19 Nocturne Boulevard

Episode 15 - The Mash Things move apace.  Penny tries to mash herself into the boom chute, Gina talks mashed potatoes, something else ends up sort of mashed, and Tunis put the mash on Linda.... And a black leather catsuit.

Episode 14 - Small Terminations Legs.  Guns.  More flashbacks.  An end.  A beginning.

Episode 13 - Boom Chute Can Penny get back in the vents? Can Linda get on Tunis' good side?  Does he have a good side? Will the Professor set Shaboo's pants on fire? And what will happen to the new Starrrrrrrettttte?

Episode 12 - Unstoppable Linda has left the studio....  and found another one. Gina finds something she hasn't seen in years, too... And who knows what's happening to Shaboo?

Episode 11 - Captivate Everyone just gets carried away.....

Episode 10 - Poetry in Motion Time to drop hands and change partners - do-si-do. And a new player hits the field.

Episode 9 - Rude Awakening Things spiral out of control on the air, and into a dither in the outland.

(19 Nocturne reissue of the day) A tragic death.  A tragic memory.  A tragic turn of events.

(19 Nocturne reissue of the day)   Linda and Penny escape? What about Gary? The ever-hard-to-describe story continues...

(19 Nocturne reissue of the day) Linda returns from the Red Zone.... but things have not gone well.

"Let Bingo Out" The fate of a favorite.

It's episode 256 - again.  And again.  And again. What's behind the magic door?

Episode 3 "Talent Show" It's all for the children.  And... where do all the old Starrettes go?

"Liberate" A new Starrette.  And an old one.  And one other...  "Star Crunch - Star Crunch! Eat it for breakfast, eat it for lunch!" Written on a sort of dare from the never-to-be-forgotten Bill Hollweg, the entire 30 script arc was written in about a month, and made... well... more slowly.

And the saga begins.... BINGO THE BIRTHDAY CLOWN Episode 1, "Before". Before what?  Just "before". Music by Project System 12   The Cult Classic from 19 Nocturne Boulevard.  Sort of like Howdy Doody and The Prisoner had a thalidomide lovechild. Try it.........  join us........

PromEvil part 4, "Home Before Curfew" See who lives, who dies, and who finds romance at the Polk High prom, in this, the final installment...   A lot of people put their heart and soul into producing this memorable event: STUDENTS Hal - Mathias Rebne-Morgan Lyn - Molly Tollefson Todd - Eli Nilsson Gee - Melissa Bartell Barb - Beverly Poole Andy - Mike Campbell Bud - Jasper Loovis Tina - Chandra Wade Missy - Jade Thomson Jake - Michael Faigenblum other students - Sky Iolta, Shelbi MacIntyre, Henry Mark FACULTY Principal Peabody - Reynaud LeBoeuf Mr. Ervin Carpel, Woodshop - Gene Thorkildsen Ms. Angela Wellesly, Crafts - Gwendolyn Jensen-Woodard Mrs. Snodgrass, Lunchroom - Robyn Keyes P.A. Announcements - Julie Hoverson Rent-a-cop Bob - The Caretaker OTHERS Cop 1 - Glen Hallstrom Cop 2 - Joel Harvey 911 Voice - Julie Hoverson STAFF Writer - Julie Hoverson Doll Wranglers - Julie Hoverson, Kimberly Poole (Warp'd Space) Sound and Mastering - Julie Hoverson Stock sound effects - Soundsnap.com; sonomic.com Music - Prom - Sinkhole Music - background - Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) ________________________________________________________________   Prom Evil PART 4   1. Craft shop SOUND          [under] POUNDING INSIDE THE KILN LYN            Hal? HAL            It's just a scratch.  I really thought the heavy foam of the Polky would-- LYN            Well, it didn't!  I need something-- SOUND          TEARING FABRIC GEE            It's not sterile, but this muslin's better than nothing.  You'll have to wrap it-- SOUND          [DISTANT] GUN SHOT ANDY           Holy shit! BARB           [gaspy scream] ANDY           Ow.  Okay, okay - lighten up there!  you're Choking me, babe!  Let go!  BARB           I'm being vulnerable, dammit!  Appreciate it! HAL            Whatever else that shot means, there's someone else in the school.  So the door must be open again. ANDY           I'll check the hall. SOUND          FEET AND HAND TRUCK, DOOR LYN            This really needs proper attention. HAL            When we get out.  BARB           [interrupting] WHEN we get out?  Don't you mean IF we get out? MUSIC   2. punchbowl AMB            GYM PEABODY        Miss Harrison, have you seen Bob? ANGELA         Not since he went to check out the school.  He was going to try and find Marge. PEABODY        The school?  It's locked. ANGELA         Well, that's apparently debatable. MUSIC   3. hallway SOUND          STRIKER CLICKS, TORCH LIGHTS SOUND          WALKING, WITH HAND TRUCK ANDY           Stay behind me, babe. BARB           Well, duh. LYN            Tsk. SOUND          GUN SHOT [Everyone reacts at roughly the same time.] ANDY           Shit! HAL            Holy crap! LYN            Oh. My. God. TODD           [gasped] Laurel? SOUND          FIVE MORE SHOTS BARB           Fuck this! GEE            Wow! SOUND          FEET POUNDING, HAND TRUCK ROLLING FAST BARB           Andy!  God! HAL            Don't!  Shit.  Stay together. SOUND          HAL LIMPING, RUNNING AFTER ANDY LYN            Hal! MUSIC   4. outside gym AMB            OUTSIDE, RAIN SOUND          MUSIC STILL AUDIBLE FROM DANCE SOUND          CLICK TO TALK NOISE PEABODY        Bob?  Where in hell are you, you moron? MUSIC   5. hallway SOUND          [close] STABBING NOISE BOB            [DEATH RATTLE] PEABODY        [on talkie] Bob?  I don't care if you're-- SOUND          BUTTON IS PUSHED, MACHINE CUTS OUT LEDERHOSEN GUY  [chuckles] SOUND          RUNNING FEET AND HAND TRUCK APPROACH ANDY           [off, barely winded] Holy shit!  HAL            [off, gasping]  Rent-a-cop Bob! LEDERHOSEN GUY  [eager noise] SOUND          DOLL FEET RUN AT THEM ANDY           Shiiiiiit! SOUND          TURNS UP THE FLAME HAL            What're you doing?  Get back here! ANDY           No.  This little shit's going down! SOUND          ROAR OF FIRE HAL            Got him! ANDY           Die, fucker! SOUND          BURNING CRACKLING WOOD LEDERHOSEN GUY  [chuckling] SOUND          WOODEN FEET RUN, DRAGGING KNIFE HAL            It's not stopping!!!  Come on! SOUND          LIMPING RUNNING FEET ANDY           [frozen] What the fuck, man!  What the fuck? SOUND          FLAMING WOOD HITS THE METAL CYLINDER ANDY           Shit!  Get off the tank you little-- SOUND          METAL ON METAL LEDERHOSEN GUY  [chuckles, but losing to the flame a little] HAL            [distant] Andy! Just drop it! SOUND          METAL CLANG, GAS HISS, EXPLOSION ANDY           [Screams] HAL            [distant] Noooooooo! MUSIC   6. gym AMB            GYM SOUND          FIRE ALARM GOES OFF. SOUND          MUSIC TAPERS OUT CROWD          [uncertain what to do] PEABODY        [annoyed] Give me strength. SOUND          QUICK FOOTSTEPS, STATIC SQUAWK PEABODY        [on P.A.] Do not panic.  Until you are informed otherwise, assume this is a false alarm.  I'll personally go and check into this.  Again, until I return and inform you that this is an actual emergency, please assume it is some idiot playing a dangerous, unfunny joke. SOUND          APPLAUSE MUSIC   7. hallway SOUND          SPRINKLERS, ALARMS SOUND          DISTANT SIZZLING BARB           [hysterical] I never thought I'd be glad to hear a fire alarm!  The firemen'll save us! LYN            The water's already putting it out. TODD           Which one was that?  Did you see? HAL            Which what?  TODD           [fierce] which doll, dammit? HAL            I just saw a pointy hat. TODD           Oh.  OK.  Good. BARB           [coming off tears] What now, Sherlock?  You blew up my boyfriend-- LYN            Hal's not responsible for that! BARB           Oh, really?  GEE            If this spell I found requires a human sacrifice, I know who I nominate. TODD           Spell? GEE            Does no one ever listen to me?  I think I can freeze up one of those things, by reciting these words-- SOUND          PIECE OF PAPER GEE            But I think someone will have to hold it down while I do.  So you guys need to pull it together. HAL            [quietly serious] That's three. LYN            What? HAL            The one in the oven, the one in the kiln, and that one.  Three down.  Only two left. LYN            [quietly] We could get his keys.  Bob's.  But we'll have to go around.  HAL            [agreeing humph]  No more fire.  SOUND          SMALL TORCH DROPPED IN METAL GARBAGE CAN MUSIC   8. OUTSIDE AMB            OUTSIDE SOUND          RAPID FEET ON GRAVEL PEABODY        Oh, please!  I've TOLD YOU it was just a prank!  SOUND          KEYS, UNLOCK, DOOR OPENS PEABODY        As I've complied with your guidelines for canceling a false alarm...if anyone shows up, don't even try charging the school for it! SOUND          DOOR SLAMS SHUT MUSIC   9. HALLWAY AMB            HALLWAY, SPRINKLERS, ALARM SOUND          ALARM CUTS OUT BARB           [freaking] What?  But it’s - they have to-- What about the firemen?  [sobs] SOUND          SPRINKLERS CUT OUT, DRIPPING LYN            Let's go this way - Not so wet. GEE            It's a different sector.  They only go off one at a time. BARB           This is, like, the worst damn prom ever! MUSIC   10.         OFFICE SOUND          SWITCHES.  FUSE BOX CLOSES, FOOTSTEPS PEABODY        Huh!  Eat me, you degenerates.  You're not pulling any more-- [cuts himself off]  What? SOUND          QUIET CLICKING NOISE PEABODY        [calling, annoyed] All right, who's out there?  Is this some kind of joke? SOUND          THREE QUICK STEPS PEABODY        [ugh!  As he kicks] SOUND          HITS WOOD, DOLL FLIES ACROSS THE HALL, HITS WALL MAJORETTE      FURIOUS CLICKING PEABODY        You cretinous troglodytes!  Cowards!  Why don't you show your ugly little Morlock faces? SOUND          WOOD NOISES - TAPS AND CREAKS - AS MAJORETTE STANDS PEABODY        What the...? SOUND          WOODEN FOOTSTEPS PEABODY        Oh my god... SOUND          DOLL RUNS AT HIM PEABODY        Yahh! SOUND          DOOR SLAMS SOUND          CLICKING PEABODY        [effort] GET...OUT OF... DOOR SOUND          TRYING TO SLAM DOOR ON DOLL MUSIC   11.         HALLWAY AMB            HALLWAY GEE            It's not exactly the quickest way to get back to Bob's keys- BARB           Maybe we should make you watch while we barbecue your boyfriend...oops, you don't have one. GEE            Survival overrules sentiment.  Besides - LYN            Cut it out.  We agreed it was probably still too dangerous, anyway.  We don't know how much damage the explosion did. HAL            Shh! SOUND          CREEPING AHEAD HAL            Ok.  Nothing moving.  All clear-- [cuts himself off] Hold on. SOUND          HIS FEET GO OFF SLOWLY LYN            What?  Hal? HAL            [off]  Bud!  Oh, Crap!! LYN            Come on. SOUND          ALL MOVE FORWARD LYN            Oh, heck.  Hal, I'm so sorry. HAL            [ignoring her] [muttering] Bud?  Bud, man?  LYN            I don't think he's-- HAL            Back off! LYN            [gasps, wobbly]  I-I'm  sorry.  But... [firming up, fiercely] But I don't want to die too, and we need you. HAL            I - I don't... [trails off] TODD           It wasn't Laurel.  She wouldn't do that. SOUND          HAL STANDS SUDDENLY, GRABS TODD HAL            [furious] It doesn't matter which one did it!  They're all dangerous! TODD           Ungh! HAL            See?  Look at that!  That was my best friend. TODD           You can't just burn her! GEE            We can try the incantation...it's supposed to make them harmless. SOUND          DISTANT SCREAMS [Peabody] and SLAMMING NOISES HAL            Maybe you'll get your chance. MUSIC   12.         OFFICE SOUND          THUMP OF WOOD MAJORETTE      CLICKING SOUND          WOOD CREAK PEABODY        How can you be getting through?  How can you be moving?  MAJORETTE      CLICK AS IT THRUSTS SOUND          SQUISH OF A STAB PEABODY        [screams in pain]  My arm! SOUND          CREAK OF WOOD AGAIN MUSIC   13.         Hallway outside office HAL            [coming on] Right up ahead.  One of them is stuck in a door.  Whoever's screaming must be inside. GEE            This is the faculty area.  BARB           What, did you draw the maps for the school, too?  LYN            What did you see, Hal? HAL            Start the chant, Gee.  It's time to see if that stuff works.  Let's get this sucker... GEE            I think the doll has to hear the chant.  I may have to start over if it gets far enough away. LYN            It won't. GEE            [under throughout] [chant] SOUND          FEET MOVE SOUND          DOOR NOISES, DOLL NOISES, GET CLOSER HAL            [noise of effort as he grabs the doll] MAJORETTE      FURIOUS CLICKING, SOMEWHAT MUFFLED HAL            Open the door...I've got it! MR. PEABODY     [muffled]  Open the door?  Are you an idiot - Wait - Is that you, Farnesby?  You are in big trouble-- HAL            Just open the goddam door, Peabody!  We're rescuing you! SOUND          DOOR OPENS A BIT HAL            Ungh! [effort]  Wah! [doll pulls harder] SOUND          CREAK, FINALLY SNAP AS DOLL LETS GO, IS FLUNG ACROSS THE HALL - WOOD IMPACT SOUND          DOOR SLAMS HARD, LOCKS HAL            Mr. Peabody! LYN            Hal!  It's getting up! GEE            [continues the chant.] LYN            Barb!  Be ready with the broom! BARB           Goddam right! HAL            Just keep it in the hall here - don't let it get away! TODD           [muttered in relief]  The majorette.  Laurel's still all right. LYN            Knock it over here! SOUND          IMPACT ON WOOD, RATTLE AS DOLL SKIDS ACROSS THE FLOOR HAL            I've got it!  [effort noise as he kicks it] SOUND          KICKING WOOD HAL            Ow!  Little bitch is hard! LYN            It's heading for Gee!  The chant must be doing something!  Todd, you're--- Todd?  That little rat!  Barb!  Get it! BARB           [screaming in fury, and beating at it with the broom] SOUND          BROOM HITTING WOOD BARB           Shit! HAL            It's climbing!  Drop the broom! LYN            Barb! BARB           Ahhh! [throwing] SOUND          BROOM GOES FLYING  LYN            Gee!  Get out of-- SOUND          WOOD CLATTERS SOUND          DOLL SCAMPERS GEE            [speeds up, but keeps chanting] MAJORETTE      CLICKING EXCITEMENT SOUND          THRUST, BLOOD GEE            [gasps, then finishes chant] SOUND          DOLL TURNS SOLID LYN            Omigod!  It went.. right through her! SOUND          BANGING ON DOOR HAL            PEABODY!!  Call an ambulance!  DAMN YOU! GEE            [whimpering, breathing hard] LYN            We can't just leave her! HAL            There's one more out there.  We can't DO anything... GEE            [whispered]  Did it work? LYN            The doll froze!  But it's baton thing is... is-- GEE            [strained whisper] Don't pull it out. LYN            What? GEE            [whimper of pain]  LYN            I won't let you die! GEE            Not much you can do to stop it.  Go!  [long sigh] BARB           Is she dead yet?  Can we go? LYN            You! SOUND          PUNCH IN THE FACE BARB           Ow!!!  LYN            And where's that little toad? HAL            Lyn?  We could get out now. LYN            There's only one more.  And I have this-- SOUND          CRACKLE OF PAPER LYN            She handed it to me right before-- [sob] HAL            You're the one who said we should get help.  That we can't handle this on our own. LYN            [with mounting hysteria] I was wrong.  There's no one we can go to for help!  How could we even ask?  "No, really, officer, there are killer dolls in our high school.  We have this magic book with a spell to de‑animate them, but we need someone to help us hold them down while we chant."  There's just no one else! MUSIC   14.         Hallway away from office AMB            HALLWAY SOUND          RAPID WALKING TODD           [loud whisper]  Laurel!  Laurel, they're going to try and get you!  You should come with me!  Laurel??? MUSIC   15.         Hallway leaving office SOUND          WALKING HAL            You're upset.  Not thinking right.  These things are deadly.  We've both lost friends, and I don't want to lose ... any more. LYN            There's nobody left to lose. SOUND          FEET STOP HAL            There's you, and I don't want to have to face that. LYN            [realizing]  Ohh! SOUND          FEET APPROACH BARB           I'm bleeding and you don't even care.  You just walk off and leave me.  You think it's my fault your stupid Wednesday Addams clone died.  You want me to die, too. LYN            [sighs] No, I don't want you to die. BARB           Oh, please.  Like I believe that.  You just want to be alone... and I don't even have anyone to be alone with any more. HAL            Come on.  We'll get the front door open and you'll be fine. BARB           What if I don't want to come along?  Maybe I want to leave YOU behind for the dolls to kill. LYN            You're not making any sense, Barb.  Calm down.  We all just want to get out of here alive. SOUND          RUNNING TINY WOODEN FEET BARB           I'm not going to calm down just because you tell me to! LYN            We can argue outside!  Come on! SOUND          IMPACT BARB           [oof!]  [screams!!] HAL            Shit!  Lyn!  Read!  I'll grab it! BARB           [screaming and running] HAL            Get back here!  Dammit! SOUND          STABBING NOISE, GURGLES BARB           [stops screaming abruptly] SOUND          BARB STUMBLES, FALLS BARB           [death rattle] SOUND          DOLL STEPS CLEAR HAL            Right over here, you little monster-- LYN            [begins reading the chant] SOUND          DOLL TAKES A COUPLE OF STEPS TODD           [running on]  Noooo! SOUND          RUNNING FEET DASH UP HAL            What the--? TODD           Laurel!! SOUND          RUSTLE OF FABRIC, CLUNK OF WOOD HALL           [astonished and upset] Todd?  [up] What are you doing? TODD           [going off again]  You'll never get Laurel!!! LYN            What is wrong with him?  Oh, shit!  Barb! HAL            She's ...dead.  MUSIC   16.         office 9-1-1 VOICE    What is the nature of your emergency? PEABODY        Um, I - there's been an accident at Polk High.  YES, I am serious! This is the principal.  9-1-1          Where are you sir? PEABODY        [choked up] Locked in my office. MUSIC   17.         Hallway away from office TODD           [panting for breath, swallows nervously]  You can out of my coat now. SOUND          RUSTLE OF FABRIC TODD           You wouldn't hurt me would you? LAUREL         [slight awww noise] TODD           I didn’t think so.  Oh!  I have something for you! SOUND          GETS CHAIN OUT OF POCKET TODD           I hope you like gold.  It's a locket.  It was too small for much of a picture, but anything bigger wouldn't fit you. SOUND          CHAIN AGAINST WOOD LAUREL         Awww noise. TODD           Perfect.  I knew it would be. SOUND          WOOD TAP LIGHTLY ON THE GOLD TODD           What’s on your hand?  [upset]  Ohhh.  Blood. LAUREL         slightly creepy awww noise. TODD           [starting to collapse into tears] No.  You're not evil.  You can't be evil! LAUREL         Awww? TODD           [sobs]  Oh, hell!  [gets ahold of himself, talking to distract her] I've always known you wouldn't hurt me, Laurel.  I put so much into you when I carved you.  I'd never let anyone burn you up...I promise!  you're so beautiful. SOUND          RUSTLE OF FABRIC LAUREL         [muffled annoyed] aww!!! TODD           CRYING, RUNS OFF SOUND          RUNNING FEET MUSIC   18.         hallway LYN            We should go after him! HAL            There's nothing we can do. LYN            Why'd he do that? HAL            He's in love with the darn thing, haven't you noticed? LYN            No.  ...I guess I'm kind of dense when it comes to romantic stuff. HAL            A lot of us are.  I know this isn't the time, but after we get out of here...  Well, keep me in mind, will ya? LYN            I - [smiling a bit] I think I can do that. SOUND          RUNNING FEET APPROACH HAL            Grab the broom! SOUND          CLATTER TODD           [coming in, panting] Quick, before I change my mind!  Start the incantation! SOUND          PAPER UNFOLDS LYN            [begins chant] TODD           Ow!  Don't struggle Laurel!  If they can freeze you, then they won't try and burn you! HAL            It's getting out! SOUND          CLATTER to FLOOR TODD           No! SOUND          THROWS COAT OVER IT HAL            Hold the coat down! TODD           Laurel!  It's for your own good! LAUREL         AWWWW! HAL            It's climbing out through the sleeve! TODD           Laurel!  Look at me! LAUREL         [angry Aww] TODD           Laurel? LAUREL         [nicer] Aww? SOUND          DOLL FREEZES LYN            Whooo.  I'm feeling dizzy. HAL            We should still burn it. TODD           No! SOUND          SHOVES HAL AGAINST A LOCKER TODD           [screaming] She's harmless now.  She can't hurt anyone. SOUND          RUSTLE AS HE GRABS HER AND RUNS OFF AGAIN LYN            I don't know what happened, but that sure... it really ...wasted me.  Did we win? HAL            Yeah.  We're still alive, anyway.  We should get out of here, though.  Now that we've finished them all... LYN            What are we going to tell people?  The police? HAL            I say we don't know anything.  Let them figure it out for themselves...that's what cops are paid for. LYN            Todd? HAL            He'll... he'll find his own way out. SOUND          [DISTANT] SIRENS COMING! MUSIC   19.         HALLWAY OUTSIDE OFFICE SOUND          DOORKNOB TURNS QUIETLY, DOOR OPENS PEABODY        [gasps] Todd? TODD           Oh, Mr. Peabody.  Um...  I think she's still breathing.  I was trying to help. PEABODY        What do you have there? TODD           Just a book.  [defensive]  It's mine. SOUND          BANGING AT THE OUTSIDE DOOR PEABODY        Stay right there.  You need to tell them what's going on. SOUND          DOOR CLOSES, TODD RUNS OFF MUSIC   20.         Leaving the building AMB            OUTSIDE HAL            You know, just this afternoon, I was sitting right over there, thinking that the only thing I wanted in the whole world was one dance with you tonight. LYN            [tired chuckle] HAL            I guess I missed my chance. LYN            It's not too late. HAL            The music's over.  Besides, neither of us is dressed for-- SOUND          KISS LYN            [breathy] Let's dance. HAL            But- LYN            Can't you hear the music?  [hums] HAL            Yeah. SOUND          THEIR FEET MOVING TOGETHER ON GRAVEL SOUND          FEET RUN PAST HAL & LYN      Todd? MUSIC END CREDITS  

PromEvil Part 3:  "What a doll!" Trapped in Polk High with some kind of murderer, Hal, Lyn, Gee (and all the rest) must fight for survival!!  Find out who's doing the killing!    A lot of people put their heart and soul into producing this memorable event: STUDENTS Hal - Mathias Rebne-Morgan Lyn - Molly Tollefson Todd - Eli Nilsson Gee - Melissa Bartell Barb - Beverly Poole Andy - Mike Campbell Bud - Jasper Loovis Tina - Chandra Wade Missy - Jade Thomson Jake - Michael Faigenblum other students - Sky Iolta, Shelbi MacIntyre, Henry Mark FACULTY Principal Peabody - Reynaud LeBoeuf Mr. Ervin Carpel, Woodshop - Gene Thorkildsen Ms. Angela Wellesly, Crafts - Gwendolyn Jensen-Woodard Mrs. Snodgrass, Lunchroom - Robyn Keyes P.A. Announcements - Julie Hoverson Rent-a-cop Bob - The Caretaker OTHERS Cop 1 - Glen Hallstrom Cop 2 - Joel Harvey 911 Voice - Julie Hoverson STAFF Writer - Julie Hoverson Doll Wranglers - Julie Hoverson, Kimberly Poole (Warp'd Space) Sound and Mastering - Julie Hoverson Stock sound effects - Soundsnap.com; sonomic.com Music - Prom - Sinkhole Music - background - Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) ____________________________________________________________________   Prom Evil - part 3 PART 3 1. LOUNGE SOUND          MUFFLED PANICKED SLAMMING AT DOOR SCREAM MEDLEY BARB           [PANIC!] ANDY           [PANIC!] LYN            Do something! GEE            Help Me! HAL            Don't - don't come in here! BARB           [PANIC!] ANDY           [PANIC!] MUSIC   2. hallway [silence] BUD            DEATH RATTLE SOUND          TINY TAPPING FEET MOVE AWAY MAJORETTE      clicking SOUND          BLOOD DROPS MUSIC   3. lounge AMB - LOUNGE BARB / ANDY    [still screaming out in hall] LYN            That sounds like Barb!  Something terrible could be happening! GEE            We can dream. HAL            Shh.  I'll look.  Stay back. SOUND          DOOR QUIETLY OPENS SOUND          SCREAMING AND SLAMMING GETS LOUDER BARB           Get it open!  Let us out! ANDY           [just screaming hoarsely and incoherent] HAL            Hey?  Who's after-- SOUND          ANDY STOPS SLAMMING ON DOOR, TURNS AND SLAMS HAL INTO WALL ANDY           [attack noise] SOUND          SCUFFLE, LONG TEAR OF FABRIC HAL            Oof! SOUND          LYN RUNS OUT LYN            [worried] Hal?   [yelling] Stop it! Andy! GEE            Here! LYN            [to gee] Thanks! [yelling]  Stop it! SOUND          HITS HIM WITH GEE'S UMBRELLA BARB           [collapsing into tears] Have to get out! LYN            [calming] Shh, Barb!  [sharp] Andy!  Hal's on our side! SOUND          SCUFFLE, LETS GO. SOUND          STRAIGHTENING CLOTHING, MORE RIPPING HAL            Man, the drama club is gonna be pissed. ANDY           The drama club can kiss my ass.  We're locked in, you stupid fuck! HAL            Locked in?  But we just came in.  SOUND          A FEW STEPS, TRIES DOOR - LOCKED HAL            [worried but quiet] Hmm.  [deep breath, then up, trying to stay positive] What a time for the teachers to realize they left the darn door unlocked. LYN            [hopeful] D'you think that's what happened? HAL            [false confidence] Had to be.  Who else could have locked it? BARB           Maybe... the murderer? LYN            Oh, gosh, did you see it too? BARB           [becoming less coherent as she continues] Oh, man... she was dead, and it was all gross, and I was right there!  She was all making these disgusting noises, and I didn't even know she was being killed... LYN            [completely baffled] What? HAL            She needs to sit down. ANDY           [growls] I got this.  [softer] C'mon babe. MUSIC   4. hallway AMB            HALLWAY SOUND          QUIET FOOTSTEPS TODD           [distant, whispered call] Laurel?  MAJORETTE      [close, clicking angrily] LAUREL         [clearly negative noise] [laurel is protecting todd from being attacked by the others] MAJORETTE      [CLICKS AWAY IN A HUFF] MUSIC   5. lounge AMB            LOUNGE LYN            We need to do something constructive.  Could we phone the Gym, maybe, and get someone to come unlock the door? GEE            Nah.  All the regular phones are turned off at night.  Too many calls to 1-800-H-O-T-T. HAL            How do you know that? GEE            [smug] I broke that story three weeks ago. ANDY           Man, we should find some weapons...if Barb's right, Tina only just died, so I bet the fucker's still around. SOUND          DOOR SLAMS OPEN BARB           [screams] TODD           The door's locked! ANDY           [yelling] Tell us something we don't know! HAL            [to Andy] Chill!  [to Todd] Last time I saw you, you were gibbering by the punch bowl... suddenly you're coherent-boy again.  What's up with that? TODD           It was awful, but...I... I just got over it.  That's all. LYN            Mr. Carpel and Missy?  We saw them too. TODD           [comes to a decision] You saw the bodies.  But... did you see the dolls? ANDY           Dolls?  What the fuck?   6. flashback TODD's FLASHBACK [NOTE:         Much of what Todd says is misleading, so some of what happens contradicts the Voice Over] TODD [VO]      I went to the Wood Shop this evening... [clearly lying] Mr. Carpel was expecting me. SOUND          LOCKPICKS, DOOR UNLOCKS TODD [VO]      The door was...uh...unlocked.  I opened it and... saw Mr. Carpel's body. TODD           [under] Ohmigod!  Laurel?  SOUND          DOLL FEET APPROACH LEDERHOSEN     [threatening noise] DUDE           huh-huh-huh TODD [VO]      And then THEY ran at me.  The DOLLS. TODD           [under, intrigued] You're... alive! SOUND          STICKY NOISE AS AWL IS PULLED OUT SOUND          SMALL FEET APPROACH MAJORETTE      [clicking and approaching] TODD [VO]      [choked up] They attacked me.  They knocked me down. SOUND          BODY DROP MONKEY HEAD    [screech] DUDE           [huh hu huh] MONKEY HEAD    [screech] SOUND          WOODEN THOK TODD           [under] Ow! SOUND          METAL BEING DRAGGED CLOSER TODD           [under] No, I don't--  Please!  I love you, Laurel! SOUND          THE DOLL NOISES CLOSE IN TODD           Ow! LAUREL         [sharp noise] SOUND          DOLL NOISES STOP SOUND          CREAK OF L's HEAD TURN LEDERHOSEN     [angry query] LAUREL         Uh-uh [no] TODD           [in the flashback] Laurel? LAUREL         [rueful noise] SOUND          ALL THE DOLLS RUN OFF DOWN THE HALL SOUND          TODD BREATHING.  SLOWLY GETS TO HIS FEET [End of flashback.]   7. lounge TODD           I don't know why they didn't kill me.  Maybe I'm just lucky...or they realized I wasn't any kind of threat. SOUND          STRUGGLE, BODY SLAMMED AGAINST WALL TODD           [gasp] ANDY           So YOU let them out, you little shit! LYN            Andy?  Andy!  [calming him] Weapons - like you were saying - is a really good idea.  [frantic, looking for support] Hal? HAL            Yeah!  C'mon, Andy.  We'll hit the-- GEE            Kitchen? HAL            Yeah, the kitchen!  You all stay here...it's safer in a group. BARB           [sullen] If it's safer in a group, why don't we ALL go? LYN            [under her breath]  Todd's in no shape to go anywhere.  We can't just leave him! BARB           [disgusted noise]  Fine. MUSIC   8. hallway AMB            HALLWAY SOUND          METAL FILE SAWING ON METAL LEDERHOSEN     [EXASPERATED NOISE] SOUND          CHAIN SWINGS BACK AGAINST DOOR SOUND          SMALL WOODEN IMPACT AGAINST DOOR LEDERHOSEN     [snarl] SOUND          HIS FEET TAP AWAY MUSIC   9. kitchen AMB            KITCHEN SOUND          DOOR SLOWLY OPENS HAL            Hello? ANDY           Shh! HAL            [urgent whisper] The lights are on!  Someone must be in here! ANDY           Why aren’t they saying anything? HAL            Cuz we're whispering?  [up, but cautious] Hello? SOUND          DOOR FARTHER OPEN, A COUPLE OF FOOTSTEPS HAL            Looks clear.  Come on. ANDY           Dude, I'm guarding the rear. HAL            Fine.  [sigh] SOUND          DOOR STARTS TO SWING SHUT, BUT IS STOPPED ANDY           [sniffs, then sharp] What's that?  HAL            Dunno.  Alcohol? ANDY           [long sniff]  Smells like bourbon.  [a bit happier]  Dude.  Just point me at it! SOUND          WALKS IN WITH CONFIDENCE HAL            We're not here for-- ANDY           [screams] SOUND          RUNNING FEET LEAVE HAL            What is it--?  Where?  Hello?  [angry sigh]  [muttered] I better see what-- SOUND          SLOW FOOTSTEPS HAL            [gasp]  Mrs. Snodgrass! SOUND          SCUFFLE, PATS, TRYING TO WAKE HER HAL            [revulsion noise]  Oh man! SOUND          TINY HANDS TAPPING ON GLASS HAL            [scared gasp] What the hell? DUDE           [muffled huh huhs rising] SOUND          FIRE IN THE OVEN HAL            [awed whisper]  Dolls.  MUSIC   10.         lounge AMB            LOUNGE SOUND          PACING SOUND          PAGE TURNS GEE            This is one weird book.  I can make out bits of it, but I think it's really old, and the words are all mixed up and spelled wrong... kinda like middle English.  Is there such a thing as middle French? LYN            Where are they? TODD           [duh] The Kitchen? LYN            Not them.  The police! SOUND          PAGES TURN BARB           [spacing out, talking to herself]  Andy is cute... TODD           Police?  [worried] Oh... GEE            The motivating...or maybe moving... of the ... unmoving? BARB           ...and he's pretty well off. SOUND          CHAIR SQUEAKS TODD           I have to go. SOUND          FOOTSTEPS - HIS AND LYN'S BARB           He would beat the crap out of someone for me. LYN            What? TODD           I have to go.  And... and get something. SOUND          PAGE TURNS GEE            [musing] Preparation of the mannequin? TODD           [lying] I... I think there's something in my... locker that I can use as a weapon. LYN            We need to stay together! GEE            [louder, but not in a different tone] Anointment of the offering. LYN and TODD    What? GEE            I think I mighta found something... Anointment of the offering.  [unsure] Maybe.  I REALLY need my dictionary.  SOUND          BOOK SLAPS SHUT GEE            [excited and a little creepy] And I want to see the bodies. MUSIC   11.         hallway AMB            HALLWAYS SOUND          FOOTSTEPS, WOODEN CLUNK ANDY           Don't tell 'em I was all getting sick back there, will ya? HAL            Huh? ANDY           With the dead lunch lady and all.  It'd make me look kinda ...you know. HAL            [exasperated]  Yeah, whatever.  It's our secret. MUSIC   12.         lounge LYN            Look!  Both of you!  Wait til they get back.  We don't know how many of them [not quite believing] ...the dolls... there are. TODD and GEE    Five. TODD           Why do you know?  GEE            Who do you think takes the photos for the annual? BARB           I thought you were a reporter for the nerdletter. GEE            [pissed] I wear many hats. LYN            Too bad we don't have the photos-- GEE            Oh, that's easy. SOUND          PURSE OPENED, CAMERA ON, BUTTONS PUSHED GEE            Oh, good.  I haven't overwritten them all. BARB           If that's a phone, can't we call--? GEE            It's not.  I prefer not to wear a tether. LYN            Let me see. GEE            Besides, where's your phone? BARB           [muttered] I dropped it...somewhere. TODD           Do you have one of Laurel - um, my project? GEE            You can look after Lyn's done. SOUND          CLICKING THROUGH PICS LYN            And these ...dolls are somehow up and running around? GEE            Shh!  [beat, then whispered] Something's coming! SOUND          VAGUE TAPPING, MUFFLED AND DISTANT LYN            Shit! SOUND          A MOMENT OF TENSE SILENCE TODD           [whispered] Can I see the camera? LYN            Ssh! SOUND          ANOTHER DISTANT WOODEN CLUNK LYN            There must be something in here we can fight with! BARB           Yeah, lotta pockets on a prom dress! GEE            Stand back. SOUND          DOOR THROWN OPEN SOUND          FEET GEE            Yaah! SOUND          THUMP OF UMBRELLA ANDY           Ow!  Crazy bitch!  That's my kicking leg! SOUND          STICK SWINGS, MISSES, SMACKS WALL LYN            Andy! HAL            Dude! GEE            [gleeful] Stee-rike! BARB           Andy?! SOUND          CLICKY HEELS DASH ACROSS THE ROOM, IMPACT, SOMETHING WOOD CLATTERS TO THE FLOOR BARB AND ANDY   [mushy kissing] HAL            Can you guys move that ... um... touching reunion out of the doorway?  I'd rather not just stand around in the hallway ...by myself... like this.  [sigh] TODD           [petulant] Can I see the camera, now? MUSIC   13.         punchbowl AMB            GYM, MUSIC, CROWD SOUND          PUNCHBOWL POURS PEABODY        What in heaven's name is all this, Angela? ANGELA         [snarky] Someone called the cops.  Again. PEABODY        If it's a question of the noise--? COP1           Sir, we had an emergency call-- PEABODY        [sigh]  Officer [reads] Trask?  You have to understand my position-- RENTACOP BOB    what's all this? PEABODY        sh-sh-sh. COP2           We received a report over 9-1-1 of a possible homicide in the school. PEABODY        A what? COP1           A possible double homicide. RENTACOP BOB    [huffy] Inside?  School's locked up tight.  Ain't nobody in there - live or dead. PEABODY        Calm down, Bob.  [to the cops]  May I make a suggestion, officers?  Prom night is a notorious time for practical jokes...and though I realize you MUST take any such report seriously-- COP2           We can't just-- PEABODY        Yes, yes.  I understand completely.  [confidential]  However, if we can prove to you that the building is secure, and there's no possible way anyone might have managed to get inside, will that be acceptable?  COP1           Well... COP2           As long as it's all locked up. PEABODY        You're more than welcome to return in the morning, when the school is open, to perform a thorough search.   14.         Hallway AMB            HALLWAY SOUND          LOCKER SLAMS SHUT GEE            You coming? LYN            I'll watch the door. GEE            Hold these, then. SOUND          LOADS HER DOWN WITH BOOKS, UMBRELLA LYN            Oof! SOUND          TURNS ON CAMERA TODD           Don't erase the picture of Laurel! GEE            Chill, dweebula.  I have them all on my hard drive. TODD           Oh! SOUND          DOOR OPENS, CLOSES SOUND          ANOTHER NEARBY DOOR OPENS SOUND          CLANKING OF METAL - ROLLING OF HAND TRUCK ANDY           Sweet.  SOUND          CLICKING OF STRIKER ANDY           Nuke 'em from orbit! TODD           You're not going to burn them all, are you?  Not ... Laurel? HAL            Laurel? TODD           She's... it's... the doll I carved.  She wouldn't hurt anyone. ANDY           Well now they're all living, breathing Chuckeys, and I say fry every last one of them. SOUND          STRIKES THE STRIKER MENACINGLY ANDY           [explosion noise] TODD           [Weakening] No! ANDY           No, that's "Nooooooo" [bruce willis running scream] [chuckles] HAL            Let's focus on getting out of here.  Gee? LYN            In... there. SOUND          WHEELING OF HAND TRUCK ANDY           I'll take the big truck.  You get the value menu. HAL            Whatever. SOUND          HAND TRUCK PARKS, FEET MOVE, DOOR OPENS A CRACK HAL            Gee? GEE            [muttering] This is just like that game I was in last week... HAL            What? GEE            Just thinking... Extreme case of short-timer's curse. LYN            What? GEE            Poor bastard was this close to retirement. MUSIC   15.         Outside AMB            OUTSIDE SOUND          FEET ON GRAVEL COP2           Are you sure this Mr. Carpel isn't in the building?  His name was given as one of the victims. PEABODY        Ervin Carpel?  Nonsense...he's already turned in his building keys.  We had to let him go, you see.  As of the end of the school year.  His safety record was ... unsatisfactory. COP1           So he might have a good reason to participate in a prank?  I see. MUSIC   16.         Hallway outside wood shop AMB            HALLWAY ANDY           So do we just wait for those tiny sons-of-birches to come to us? SOUND          DOOR OPENS, FEET COME OUT GEE            Now I need a place to do some reading. MUSIC   17.         Outside, parking lot AMB            OUTSIDE SOUND          POLICE CRUISER DRIVES AWAY RENTACOP BOB    I'll go take a look around.  No problem. PEABODY        [dismissively] Nonsense.  No reason to justify our merry degenerates by taking their ploy seriously. SOUND          THEY WALK MR. PEABODY     We can perform a complete walk-through before we open the school in the morning to make sure there are no ... surprises.   18.         Hallway AMB            HALLWAY SOUND          SNEAKING FOOTSTEPS, SQUEAK OF HAL's SNEAKERS HAL            [cautious, but trying to be heard]  Hello?  [louder, but still muffled]  Hellllooo? SOUND          FEET AND VOICE STOP, LISTEN SOUND          DISTANT TAPPING HAL            Oh, shit.  [sucks in a breath, up]  Hello? SOUND          ONE FOOTSTEP TODD           Which one is it? HAL            [completely stunned]  Yah!!!   [coming down]  Oh, shit!  Todd! TODD           Why are you in the polky costume? HAL            I have my reasons.  Get your ass back to the craft shop. TODD           I'll... uh... watch your back? HAL            [quiet] I don't trust you. TODD           Why not? HAL            Forget it.  Look, just stay the hell out of my way or I'll run your ass over. TODD           I can run. HAL            I'll bet. SOUND          SNEAKING FEET BEGIN MUSIC   19.         Craft shop AMB            CRAFT SHOP LYN            [pleased]  Oh!  There it goes!  I thought it would never warm up. GEE            I told you it would just take some time.  A kiln isn't a microwave. BARB           Oh, Andy, you're so strong and protective. GEE            [quiet gagging noise]  You guys!  Someone made that quilt, and they won't appreciate you getting it all sticky. LYN            Anything? GEE            Apart from nausea? LYN            The book? GEE            Well, I'm pretty sure this is the "spell" he used to animate the dolls.  I may even have a clue why they turned on Carpel... the spell says the master's supposed to carve the dolls himself.  LYN            Todd says... Todd?  Oh, hell, where'd he get to? ANDY           Dumbass wants to get himself killed, who are we to stop him? SOUND          IDLY CLICKING THE STRIKER GEE            Anyway, there's this other incantation thing which... [very dubious] if I'm reading this right... should make them freeze back up. LYN            [plaintive] You're not sure? GEE            I'm having to make a lot of guesses, here. The dictionary just don't cover everything. I mean, the incantation isn't even FRENCH... just... gibberish, far as I can tell. MUSIC   20.         Hallways TODD           I heard something over there! HAL            Stay the hell back! TODD           Do you have a plan? HAL            Well, it was to sneak up on them, but there's this person talking. TODD           Oh. SOUND          FOOTSTEPS SOUND          [DISTANT] SCRATCHING NOISES MONKEYHEAD     [distant] annoyed screech TODD           Do dolls make noise? HAL            I'm dressed as a giant purple polka-dot.  Do I look like an expert? TODD           Uhh... HAL            Shh! SOUND          SNEAKING STEPS MONKEYHEAD     screech, closer TODD           Soon as you see it, tell me-- SOUND          RUNNING FEET, GOING AWAY TODD           What it looks like... MUSIC   21.         punchbowl AMB            GYM ANGELA         Bob?  Can you do something? RENTACOP BOB    [swaggering]  I can do anything.  Whatcha need? ANGELA         Marge went into the building for something, and she's been gone for just ages.  [simpering]  Could you go and look for her?  As long as I'm stuck at the punch bowl, I can't even get in one itsy bitsy weensy dance. RENTACOP BOB    I gotcha covered, babe.  [clears his throat]  That was a quote.  Not meant in any sort of harassing way.  ANGELA         I understand.  SOUND          DOOR OPENS, HE GOES OUT AMB            RAIN, CRICKETS BOB            I'll check it out, but first...  [chuckles] MUSIC   22.         hallway SOUND          PELTING FOOTSTEPS TODD           [breathless] wait!  I need to know if it's Laurel! HAL            [panting, stays ahead] [yelling] Get ready!! SOUND          DOOR OPENS, AHEAD LYN            Come on! HAL            [gasping mutter] God I hope this works. [up] Out of the way! SOUND          BATTERS THROUGH DOOR LYN            Over here! SOUND          LID OPENS TODD           [still outside] No!  Check first! SOUND          DOOR SHUTS SOUND          POUNDING ON DOOR GEE            Do it quick!  We have to know if this will work! SOUND          RUSTLE OF HEAVY FABRIC, CLATTER OF WOOD MONKEYHEAD     [SCREECH] SOUND          POUNDING OF WOOD ON METAL TODD           [from outside]  Don't leave me out here by myself! GEE            [to him] Just a sec!  Come on! LYN            It's climbing out! HAL            [groan, slump] MUSIC   23.         Parking lot AMB            OUTSIDE SOUND          RUMMAGING IN STUFF RENTACOP BOB    [chuckles] Not on MY watch. SOUND          ZAPZAP OF TASER.  PUT IN CASE. RENTACOP BOB    Little shits deserve a scare. SOUND          REVOLVER CYLINDER SPINS, GUN INTO HOLSTER RENTACOP BOB    Let's see your little pranks now. SOUND          TRUNK SLAMS HUT SOUND          FEET SET OFF ACROSS GRAVEL MUSIC   24.         Craft shop LYN            Oh!  [noise as she smacks the doll]  Uh!  Uh! UH!!! MONKEYHEAD     [SCREECH, dwindling] SOUND          IT FALLS BACK, SHE SLAMS LID! LYN            [Breathing heavily]  Done. SOUND          DOOR OPENS, TODD RUNS IN, DOOR SHUTS TODD           Noooo! GEE            Did yours have a monkey's head? TODD           Huh?  [gasp of relief] No!  Ahhh. LYN            You could have helped. HAL            I - I don't.... LYN            Oh no!  He's bleeding! BARB           [screams] END OF PART 3  

PromEvil Part 2:  "Ins and Outs" Will Hal and Lyn ever run into each other? Will Todd find his true love? Will Barb ever shut up?.... A lot of people put their heart and soul into producing this memorable event: STUDENTS Hal - Mathias Rebne-Morgan Lyn - Molly Tollefson Todd - Eli Nilsson Gee - Melissa Bartell Barb - Beverly Poole Andy - Mike Campbell Bud - Jasper Loovis Tina - Chandra Wade Missy - Jade Thomson Jake - Michael Faigenblum other students - Sky Iolta, Shelbi MacIntyre, Henry Mark FACULTY Principal Peabody - Reynaud LeBoeuf Mr. Ervin Carpel, Woodshop - Gene Thorkildsen Ms. Angela Wellesly, Crafts - Gwendolyn Jensen-Woodard Mrs. Snodgrass, Lunchroom - Robyn Keyes P.A. Announcements - Julie Hoverson Rent-a-cop Bob - The Caretaker OTHERS Cop 1 - Glen Hallstrom Cop 2 - Joel Harvey 911 Voice - Julie Hoverson STAFF Writer - Julie Hoverson Doll Wranglers - Julie Hoverson, Kimberly Poole (Warp'd Space) Sound and Mastering - Julie Hoverson Stock sound effects - Soundsnap.com; sonomic.com Music - Prom - Sinkhole Music - background - Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) __________________________________________________________________   Prom Evil PART 2 MUSIC   1. Wood shop SOUND          DISTINCTIVE WOOD SHOP CLOCK TICKS SOUND          SCRITCH OF METAL ON WOOD - KIND OF AIMLESS LAUREL         [questioning sound] LEDERHOSEN     [negative] DUDE           [huh-huh-huh] SOUND          WOOD THOCK MONKEY HEAD    [screech]   2. AMB - GYM SOUND          CANNED MUSIC PLAYS STUDENTS       CHATTER SOUND          HARSH NOISE OVER THE SPEAKERS PEABODY        [P.A.] All right, everybody.  Quiet down.  I know you don't want to listen to this old fuddy-duddy all night, [waits for laughter, which is scarce] [fading into background] but I have a few announcements that have to be made.  Emergency exits are at the front and back of the room, should there be any ...um, emergency. LYN            You're sure Andy'll still be coming tonight? BARB           Oh, sure...maybe he'll even try to get me back, wouldn't that be a riot? LYN            Yeah.  [no] BARB           [to Tina] Hey Tina!  Where're you going?  The night's still young! TINA           Huh?  Barb?  [too fast] Nowhere. BARB           [nastily] Hot date? TINA           [gasp]  I-- I--  Oh! SOUND          DASHES AWAY BARB           [considering] Hmm. LYN            Why are you so harsh to your friends? BARB           Oh, please.  Any guy she can't bring to prom isn't worth dating.  LYN            Maybe she has to pick him up from work or something. BARB           [scorn] Work?  Tscha.  [up] Ooh!  Jake! LYN            Don't leave me! BARB           I'm your cousin, not your babysitter.  Andy'll be around somewhere. MR. PEABODY     [fading back in] Finally.  The only washrooms that are available are the ones in the locker rooms.  The school is locked, so no matter how long the lines are, you have to wait.      3. SOMEHOW SEGUE TO OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL.  PEABODY's VOICE STILL PLAYS, JUST MUFFLED SOUND          CRICKETS, DISTANT TRAFFIC MR. PEABODY     Anyone seen using any...ahem... atypical facilities, specifically the school's flower beds, will be taken into custody. SOUND          WALKING TODD           Ew.  Who would use the flowers.  [shudder]  [gasp as he almost walks into someone] DUDE           Freak!  The world's up here. CHICK          [giggle] TODD           [evasive] Sorry.  Sorry. SOUND          FEET QUICKLY SHUFFLE PAST CHICK          Who's that? DUDE           That's the [up] freak [down, fading out] who's all obsessed with his damn woodshop project. TODD           [muttering]  I'm not obsessed.  Obsessed is bad.  I'm passionate.  All great artists are passionate. SOUND          LAST FEW QUICK FOOTSTEPS, QUIET TRY AT DOOR - LOCKED SOUND          MUSIC STARTS IN THE GYM TODD           [chuckles]  Perfect. SOUND          JANGLE OF CHAIN, LOCKPICKS MUSIC   4. DANCE FLOOR AMB - GYM, MUSIC IS LOUD BUD            Dude.  HAL            [polky voice - goofy and muffled]  Hello! BUD            [disgusted] Oh, man.  Ditch the Spot and go talk to the brain.  She's been left unattended and needs to be towed away. SOUND          VELCRO OPENING HAL            [slightly muffled] I don't have anything else to wear.  I was gonna just-- BUD            God, you are the king of dork.  Find something in the drama closet.  They just did some pig-thing show. HAL            [exasperated sigh] Pygmalion. BUD            There must be something. HAL            [considering] Hmm. Maybe... MUSIC   5. PUNCH BOWL SOUND          LIQUID BEING SLOPPED INTO GLASS BOY1           [dubious] Thanks. SOUND          FEET APPROACH LYN            How's the punch, Mrs. Snodgrass? MRS. SNODGRASS  I've confiscated three flasks so far.  [pitbull] No one gets past me. LYN            Great.  Give me a double. SOUND          DIPPER POURS LYN            Cheers. ANDY           Hey. LYN            [gasps] SOUND          PUNCH SPILLS LYN            [frantic noise] ANDY           Damn.  Sorry.  You wanna dance?  LYN            [uncomfortable but pleased] Um, sure.  I mean...that'd be great. ANDY           Cool. MUSIC   6. WOOD SHOP AMB            WOOD SHOP CLOCK TICKS SOUND          SCRITCH OF METAL ON WOOD - KIND OF AIMLESS SOUND          MUFFLED SOUND OF METAL ON METAL LEDERHOSEN     [urgent noise] SOUND          METAL ON WOOD STOPS DUDE           [HUH?] SOUND          WOODEN THOCK SOUND          METAL ON METAL STOPS, DOORKNOB TURNS CAUTIOUSLY, DOOR CREAKS OPEN TODD           [whispered] Mr. Carpel?  [surprised] Candles? MUSIC   7. BACKSTAGE AMB            DRAMA LOCKER GYM MUSIC IS MUFFLED SLIGHTLY SOUND          HEAVY PADDED THING HURLED TO FLOOR HAL            [coughing, then sighs]  Yuch.  Sorry old Polky, but you need to die.  [makes gun noise, pauses, then empties the other five shots into it] SOUND          SCRATCHES HIS HEAD VIGOROUSLY GEE            Delousing? HAL            [gasp] SOUND          CLATTER GEE            [laughs delightedly, but clearly not "interested"]  You're so cute. HAL            Gee?  What are-- you--? GEE            Thought you could use a hand.  I did wardrobe for the last three shows and know where everything is. HAL            But how did you--? GEE            I'm a psycho - or do I mean psychic?  [holds a second, then laughs again] I heard you and Bud.  HAL            Ahh. MUSIC   8. DANCE FLOOR AMB - GYM SLOW MUSIC PLAYS ANDY           Ooh [interested noise]  Mm. LYN            [gasps]  oh. ANDY           Mm.  What? LYN            [nervous] Let's get some punch. ANDY           Don't you like dancing? LYN            I'm just suddenly really thirsty. ANDY           [resigned] Punch it is. MUSIC   9. OUTSIDE SOUND          OUTSIDE MUSIC IS MUFFLED CRICKETS SOUND          OMINOUS RUSTLING AND GROANING NOISES CAN BE HEARD IN THE NEARBY BUSHES, BUT THEY QUICKLY RESOLVE THEMSELVES INTO A COUPLE MAKING OUT. SOUND          RAIN BEGINS TINA           [oh no!] Aah! BUD            Ah, shit.  Come on. SOUND          RUNNING FEET TINA           We can't go in! BUD            Well... [indecisive]  Come on. TINA           The school's locked! BUD            [insinuating] But it's got a nice dark, deep doorway... TINA           [interested]  Ooh! SOUND          QUICK FOOTSTEPS BUD            Come here, then. TINA           Mmm. SOUND          DOOR FLIES OPEN BUD            Geek. SOUND          TODD DASHES PAST TODD           [frantic breathing] SOUND          DOOR SWINGS SHUT BUD            [speculative] Hmm. TINA           Are you thinking--? BUD            Aren't you? TINA           [teasing] Mr. Bud, are you trying to lure poor lil' ole me off to some dark place where you can take advantage of me? BUD            Well, I really just wanted your opinion of my civics project, but now that you mention it...  Sure.  I'll take advantage of you, baby.  Come on. SOUND          DOOR OPENS MUSIC   10.         PUNCHBOWL AMB            GYM SOUND          PUNCH POURS SNODGRASS      [snarls] just one at a time. KID            [frightened] Um, OK. SOUND          SCAMPERS AWAY SNODGRASS      Back again, Lyn? LYN            Just thirsty I guess-- SOUND          DOOR SLAMS OPEN, TODD RUNS IN, SLAMS DOOR TODD           [gasping] SNODGRASS      Hmph.  ANDY           Dork. LYN            He looks hurt. SNODGRASS      See if he has a ticket.  [disgusted] Or pupils. SOUND          LYN CAUTIOUSLY APPROACHES LYN            Todd?  That's your name, right?  Are you OK, Todd? TODD           [whines and whispers] Mr. Carpel.  Missy.  They're DEAD! SOUND          HE SINKS TO THE FLOOR MUSIC   11.         BACKSTAGE AMB            BACKSTAGE GEE            Hold on.  Now look. SOUND          HAL TURNS, SQUEAK OF TENNIS SHOES HAL            [surprised and cheered] Wow.  GEE            I figured you were about Higgins' size.  Oh wait-- SOUND          DRAWER OPENS, RUSTLE HAL            [admiring himself] Damn.  I clean up good. GEE            Everyone looks good in a tux - that's kind of the point.  Here. SOUND          STICKS FAKE FLOWER IN THE LAPEL, PATS IT DOWN HAL            Feels like a wedding. GEE            Plenty of time for that later.  Start with trying to speak to her - at least in her general direction. HAL            [gasps] MUSIC   12.         PUNCHBOWL AMB            GYM SOUND          SNAPPING FINGERS LYN            Hey?  Hey! TODD           [whimpers] LYN            Andy!  Help me get him into a chair! ANDY           [disgusted sigh] SOUND          CLUMSY MOVE INTO A CHAIR TODD           [mumbling, more of the same] ANDY           What the hell's he saying? LYN            Um... [listening, then repeating Todd's words, getting more creeped out as it goes along] Mr. Carpel... Wood Shop... dead... Missy... [worried] blood... ANDY           Blood?  What the f--? [realizing] Ohh! LYN            Shh.  [going on] They attacked me... they must have killed them... she wouldn't let them kill me... they're dead. TODD           [groans and passes out] SOUND          BODY FALL ANDY           [slyly] Well, we could go and take a look at the Wood Shop. LYN            Us?  Shouldn't we send Rent-a-cop Bob?  It IS what he's here for.  Besides, someone should stay and look after Todd. ANDY           [whispered explaining] It's a gag, see?  Bob'll skin anyone who gets him to shift his lardbutt for a prank.  LYN            It doesn't sound like-- ANDY           Babe, it's practically Polk High tradition for some bozo like Todd here to pull a big prank during prom. LYN            He sounds really scared. ANDY           [ignoring her] At least this sounds like a winner.  [with a naughty wink] Let's check it out. MUSIC   13.         SCHOOL HALLWAY AMB            EMPTY SCHOOL HALL SOUND          MAKING OUT BUD            Mm.  Me likee. TINA           You're sure no one can see us? BUD            Yeah.  There's no one in the ...entire ...building.  SOUND          ZIPPER UNZIPS SOUND          DISTANT TAP OF FEET APPROACHES TINA           [gasp] SOUND          SCRAMBLE OF CLOTHES TINA           I thought you said-- BUD            Come on.  I know just the place. MUSIC   14.         DOOR NEAR PUNCHBOWL AMB            GYM SOUND          DOOR OPENS ANDY           Coming? LYN            [sighs] I guess.  SOUND          SLOW STEPS BARB           [suddenly in their face] Leaving?  So soon? ANDY           There's a gag on in the school.  We're gonna take a look.  [heavy with challenge] Right, Lyn? LYN            Uh-- HAL            [off a bit, quiet] Damn. BARB           [furious] Fine.  If the building's open, I'll just go to my locker.  I could use some hairspray. SOUND          SHE FLINGS HERSELF OUT, TOO MUSIC   15.         SCHOOL HALLWAY AMB            SCHOOL HALL SOUND          WOODEN FOOTSTEPS DUDE           [huh-huh-huh-huh] LEDERHOSEN     [quieting growl] SOUND          LIGHTER THOCK DUDE           [ulp] MAJORETTE      [clicking noise] MUSIC   16.         DOORWAY NEAR PUNCHBOWL AMB            GYM, MUSIC SOUND          DOOR SHUTS HAL            [heavy sigh]  Missed it by that much.  Ow!  What was-- SOUND          UMBRELLA TAPPED ON FLOOR GEE            You think I carry this just for the SPF? HAL            But--? GEE            Go after her. HAL            Go after--?  But what do I say? GEE            Argh!  What do I look like, a fairy godmother?  Oh, god, I do....  Move your butt.  HAL            why are you doing this anyway? GEE            Lyn's my friend, and you're harmless.  Go! SOUND          SQUEAK OF HIS TENNIS SHOES HAL            [suddenly realizing] Harmless?  Huh?  [looking for her]  Gee? TODD           [muttering] They're dead, you know. HAL            What? TODD           In the wood shop. HAL            Oh shit. SOUND          DOOR SLAMS OPEN MUSIC   17.         SCHOOL HALLWAY AMB            HALLWAY SOUND          LOCKER SLAMS SHUT BARB           Jake won't know what hit him. SOUND          ZIPPER ON MAKEUP BAG CLOSES DECISIVELY SOUND          WALKING IN HEELS SOUND          OFF, RUSTLING AND GASPING NOISES BARB           Hmm? SOUND          HEELS START TO SNEAK SOUND          RUSTLING GETS CLOSER BARB           [squeal of disgust] Oh MY GOD!!!! MUSIC   18.         SCHOOL HALLWAY AMB            HALLWAY SOUND          TWO PAIRS OF FEET ANDY           [insinuating] A dimly-lit spooky hallway, a pair of good-looking, healthy American teens, what's that make YOU think of? LYN            Cheesy horror movies, what else?  You forgot to mention the possibility of two dead bodies in the Wood Shop. ANDY           It's a joke...it's gotta be. MUSIC   19.         SCHOOL HALLWAY BACK TO BARB VOICES are kind of distant BARB           [tail end of squeal] TINA           [gasp] UP CLOSE MAJORETTE      [quiet clicking] BUD            What the--? BARB           Oh... my... god.  Tina.  I cannot believe this!  You and... THAT. BUD            Screw you! TINA           [breaks down into tears and runs off] SOUND          RUNNING FEET, LADIES ROOM DOOR SLAPS SHUT BARB           Not if you had a gold plated... You know. SOUND          TURNS ON HER HEEL, WALKS OFF BUD            Tina? BARB           Ladies room, dumbass. SOUND          SHOVE, STUMBLING STEPS SOUND          DOOR FLAPS SHUT MUSIC   20.         HALLWAY OUTSIDE WOOD SHOP AMB            HALLWAY SOUND          SLOW FEET LYN            [whispered]  Is it unlocked? ANDY           Shh. SOUND          METAL CLANG - HE TAKES A FIRE EXTINGUISHER OFF THE WALL LYN            [whispered] It's not on fire! ANDY           [disgusted sigh] SOUND          QUICK SCRAMBLE OF STEPS, DOOR KICKED OPEN ANDY           Yaaah! MUSIC   21.         LADIES ROOM SOUND          LADIES ROOM DOOR FLAPS SHUT TINA           [off, Gasping and choking] BARB           Hah!  SOUND          HIGH HEELS.  BAG SET DOWN MAKEUP NOISES AS SHE TALKS TINA           [chokes and gasps under all] BARB           You should be ashamed.  That guy is such a nothing.  You can't possibly like someone like that.  Hopeless losers are not for the likes of us, Tina dear.  We're only supposed to date cute guys and guys with the potential to be rich  ...or famous.  TINA           [last gasp] LEDERHOSEN     [quiet noise] BARB           Are you just determined to sabotage your whole entire life? SOUND          SINK RUNS BARB           Tina?  You done yet? SOUND          SLOW FOOTSTEPS SOUND          PUSHING STALL DOORS OPEN, ONE BY ONE BARB           It's not that bad.  No one else needs to know. SOUND          DOOR OPEN BARB           But you're the designated driver for the next ...Hmm... SOUND          DOOR OPENS BARB           ...three parties? SOUND          FINAL STALL DOOR OPENS BARB           [full force scream of horror] MUSIC   22.         WOOD SHOP AMB            WOOD SHOP LYN            [slightly off] Well? ANDY           It's all dark.  Hold on. SOUND          GROPING FOR LIGHT SWITCH LYN            [closer] Here, let me. SOUND          LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS ON.  FLUORESCENTS FLICKER TO LIFE ANDY           Oh shit! [full force scream of horror] SOUND          FIRE EXTINGUISHER CLATTERS TO FLOOR SOUND          RUNNING, PUSHES LYN ANDY           Out of the way! LYN            Uh! SOUND          THUMP AGAINST DOOR FRAME SOUND          FEET RUN DOWN HALL LYN            [small freaking out noises] No.  No no no no. SOUND          SLOWLY BACKING AWAY SOUND          FIRE EXTINGUISHER KICKED AND ROLLS AWAY SOUND          LYN STUMBLES SOUND          CAUGHT HAL            Hey!  Gotcha. LYN            [freaks out for a second, then dissolves into tears] MUSIC   23.         HALLWAY OUTSIDE LADIES ROOM AMB            HALLWAY SOUND          LADIES ROOM FLAPS OPEN BARB           [screams past] SOUND          RUNNING FEET, THUMP BUD            Shit!  Oof! SOUND          BODY DROP TO FLOOR SOUND          BARB's FEET RECEDE BUD            [blows out a breath] Bitch. SOUND          SCRAMBLES TO HIS FEET BUD            [going off] Tina?  Tina? SOUND          DISTANT CLICKING NOISE MUSIC   24.         HALLWAY NEAR WOODSHOP AMB            NEAR WOODSHOP LYN            [still crying and gasping] HAL            It's all right.  It's OK.  Shh. LYN            [gasping out the words] He was right.  They ARE dead.  Oh, geez.  I can't.... [sobs]  I can't believe this! HAL            Who? LYN            Todd. HAL            Todd's dead? LYN            No!  Missy and Mr. Carpel. HAL            I'll take a look. LYN            No!  It's terrible! HAL            Stay here. MUSIC   25.         PUNCHBOWL AMB            GYM TODD           [drinking punch, he seems better, but is still muttering] They're DEAD.  They killed them, but she protected me.  I know she's not like the others.  She understands how ... how special she is.  She knows. SNODGRASS      You need to go home, kid. TODD           [disturbingly reasonable] They ARE dead, you know.  It was an easy A, he said.  An easy A. SNODGRASS      Look, you're scaring people.  Can't you just zip it? TODD           [reasonably] But... they're dead. SNODGRASS      Angie? ANGIE          Yeah, Marge? SNODGRASS      Take over for a while.  This boy needs something calming, and I think I've got what he needs ...apart from a padded room...if I can get Bob to unlock the school. TODD           The door IS unlocked. SNODGRASS      What?  Well, I'd better see about that, too. MUSIC   26.         WOOD SHOP AMB            WOOD SHOP SOUND          A COUPLE OF STEPS - HAL LYN            [off] Here. SOUND          MANUAL WINDING OF CAMERA BOX HAL            What?  Oh!  Good idea. SOUND          TAKES HER CAMERA, STARTS SNAPPING PICTURES HAL            Ew. LYN            [calling from off] How can you just... be in there? HAL            I watch a lot of CSI.  This just looks like ...special effects. LYN            [off] Are they...? HAL            Yeah.  I'm pretty damn sure.  Hmm. SOUND          SNAPPING MORE PICS LYN            What? HAL            It's... weird.   Just a sec. SOUND          PICKING UP BOOK, RUFFLES PAGES HAL            [musing] luh liver dess poops? LYN            What? SOUND          HE STICKS IT IN HIS POCKET HAL            [up] Almost done.  MUSIC   27.         SCHOOL KITCHENs AMB            KITCHEN SOUND          SNODGRASS HEAVY FEET STOMP IN - SHE IS DISTANT DUDE           [CLOSE - quiet huh-huh] SNODGRASS      [muttering] Nutty freaking kids these days.  None of this hot and cold running narcotics when I was a girl. SOUND          QUIET DOLL FOOTSTEPS CREEP CLOSER SOUND          DISTANT, SHE TURNS ON A LIGHT, OPENS A DRAWER SOUND          MORE DOLL FOOTSTEPS DUDE           [huh-huhs] SOUND          QUICK CLIMBING NOISES SOUND          DISTANT, BOTTLE OPENS, POURS SNODGRASS      Salut.  [drinks] SOUND          CLOSE, KNIFE SLIDES OUT OF KNIFE BLOCK DUDE           [loud huh-huhs] MUSIC   28.         HALLWAY OUTSIDE WOOD SHOP AMB            HALLWAY SOUND          SNEAKERS COME OUT OF WOOD SHOP LYN            Hmm? HAL            Um... Looks like old Mr. Carpel went all satanic and sort of... sacrificed... um... forget it. LYN            But who killed Mr. Carpel? HAL            I don't know, but this book looks all creepy and stuff.  Maybe he summoned a demon or something and it got him. LYN            You're joking. HAL            [tries to chuckle] Well, maybe just a little, but something got him, didn't it?  Come on.  We need to get ... help. LYN            We need to call the police.  Barb has a phone...when we get back to the dance... HAL            There's pay phones in the lounge. LYN            I want to get OUT of here.  Whoever - whatever - did that is still ... on the loose! SOUND          [their voices start to recede] HAL            Well...  I think that back there happened a few hours ago.  The blood looked mostly dried, and the candles were all burned down.  Whoever killed Mr. Carpel is probably long gone. MONKEY HEAD    [query] LAUREL         [negative response] MUSIC   29.         KITCHEN AMB - Kitchen SOUND          MRS. SNODGRASS STEPS OUT OF OFFICE.  LIGHT OFF.  LOCKS THE DOOR. DUDE           [huh-huh] SOUND          LITTLE FEET RUSH FORWARD SNODGRASS      Huh? SOUND          SQUISH OF KNIFE STAB SNODGRASS      [scream in agony] SOUND          BODY FALL SNODGRASS      GASPING IN PAIN DUDE           [huh-huh] MUSIC   30.         HALLWAY LEAVING WOOD SHOP AMB            HALLWAY SOUND          QUICK FEET APPROACH, PASS BY LYN            [panting a bit] I...  This sounds terrible ...I know I know you, but I can't remember your name. HAL            [panting a bit] Hal.  It's usually my face people forget. LYN            [panting a bit] I know...you're always in that costume.  It's kind of... HAL            Dumb? LYN            No!  I think it's... um... cute. MUSIC   31.         AMB - KITCHEN SOUND          BLOOD DROPS SNODGRASS      What the hell is--? SOUND          SLOW WOODEN FOOTSTEPS CIRCLE HER DUDE           Huh-huh-hwa? SOUND          IMPACT - A PAN! SOUND          DOLL TUMBLES, KNIFE SKITTERS AWAY SNODGRASS      Hah!! SOUND          SHE CRAWLS PAINFULLY SOUND          DOLL CLATTERS BY SOUND          FABRIC FLAPS SOUND          DOLL CAUGHT IN APRON DUDE           Huh?  Huh? SNODGRASS      Hah! Hah!  You little bastard! SOUND          POURING OF ALCOHOL ON DOLL SNODGRASS      [weakly] How bout a little... SOUND          CREAK OF OVEN OPENING SOUND          FIGHT TO GET IT INTO OVEN SNODGRASS      [weakening] fire.... scare... crow... SOUND          AFTER FIGHT, OVEN DOOR SLAMS SHUT SNODGRASS      [sigh in relief, breathes heavily...] SOUND          BODY SLUMPS AGAINST OVEN MUSIC   32.         OUTSIDE MAIN SCHOOL DOOR SCHOOL         EXTERIOR DOOR OPENS SOUND          FOOTSTEPS COMING OUT LYN            So what's the book?  Something Satanic? HAL            I don't really know.  It's... foreign.  Maybe Latin?  Spooky books are always in Latin, aren't they? LYN            Hmm.  That's not Latin...I TOOK Latin.  I'm pretty sure that's French.  Gee would know. HAL            [muttered] Yeah. She kinda knows everything. MUSIC   33.         HALLWAY AMB            HALLWAY SOUND          CLICKING NOISE SOUND          FEET APPROACH BUD            [off] Tina? SOUND          CLICKING STOPS SUDDENLY SOUND          A MEWLING NOISE IS HEARD FROM WHERE THE CLICKING WAS. BUD            Tina?  You OK? SOUND          WALKS FASTER MUSIC   34.         BETWEEN BUILDINGS AMB            OUTSIDE SOUND          PACING HAL            [muttering to himself]  Yeah, what do I say now - hey, since we've shared a corpse or two, why not have some bubble tea?  [heavy sigh] SOUND          UMBRELLA POPPED UP HAL            [gasps] GEE            I said it's not just for decoration. HAL            Geez.  Just sneak up on-- GEE            You've got some weird book for me? HAL            Lyn's coming back, right? GEE            Don't worry. SOUND          SHE SNAGS THE BOOK, PAGES THROUGH HAL            She's--? GEE            [exasperated] Looking for that succubus she calls a cousin. [examines the book] Hmm... It say it's a book of dolls, or puppets...or something.  [dubious] That last word - hmmm.  I gotta dictionary in my locker. MUSIC   35.         HALLWAY AMB            HALLWAY SOUND          SLOW FOOTSTEPS BUD            Tina? SOUND          TRIES A DOOR - LOCKED SOUND          MEWLING SOUND          FEET SPEED UP, THEN STOP BUD            [slightly breathless] Tina?  Huh?  [over his shoulder] Hello?  Hmph. Who could have... SOUND          SLOW WALKING BUD            [slow realization, dragged out]  I got it.  [up] Nice prank, guys!  [muttered] So what happens, I touch the dolly and [looking up] something falls on me?  Hmm?  [muttered again] MUSIC   36.         HALLWAY AMB            ANOTHER HALLWAY GEE            It's really close, I can just run over and-- HAL            Whoever killed them might still be in the-- SOUND          DOOR OPENS, RAIN LYN            [breathing a little hard]  There you are! HAL            [eager]  Waiting for you. GEE            Now can we all go to my locker?  It's closer than the library. HAL            Did you find--? LYN            I couldn't find Barb anywhere, and [breaking a little] I couldn't convince anyone else... GEE            Let me guess, they all think it's a prank? HAL            Here, then-- SOUND          OPENS DOOR HAL            And some-- SOUND          JINGLES COINS IN HIS HAND LYN            Cute.  But you don't have to pay for 9-1-1. HAL            Oh. SOUND          JINGLE PUT AWAY MUSIC   37.         HALLWAY AMB            HALLWAY BUD            Oh to hell with it.  SOUND          SOME QUICK FOOTSTEPS BUD            Oh, man!  That's the prank.  Someone broke into the wood shop and stole these little fuckers.  Bet they're all over the damn school by now. SOUND          MAJORETTE'S CLICKING NOISES BUD            Weird. Where's the parade, honey? SOUND          SCRAPE AS HE PICKS UP THE STATUE MAJORETTE      [clicking turns ugly, creak] SOUND          SQUISH, STAB BUD            [gurgle, tries to gasp for breath] MAJORETTE      [satisfied clicking] SOUND          BATON PULLED FREE SOUND          GUSH OF BLOOD, BODY DROP SOUND          MAJORETTE CLATTERS TO THE FLOOR MUSIC   38.         LOUNGE AMB            LOUNGE SOUND          PHONE HUNG UP LYN            [a little uncertain] Police are on their way. SOUND          SCREAMS AND BANGING NOISES FROM OUTSIDE IN THE HALL. HAL            Shit! LYN            [gasp] GEE            [whispered] Block the door!  [exasperated noise] Argh! END OF PART 2    

PromEvil takes you to that most horrifying of places - HIGH SCHOOL.  On prom night, naturally.  And something horrible is about to come out of the woodshop, and we don't mean Hal in his school mascot costume.... A lot of people put their heart and soul into producing this memorable event: STUDENTS Hal - Mathias Rebne-Morgan Lyn - Molly Tollefson Todd - Eli Nilsson Gee - Melissa Bartell Barb - Beverly Poole Andy - Mike Campbell Bud - Jasper Loovis Tina - Chandra Wade Missy - Jade Thomson Jake - Michael Faigenblum other students - Sky Iolta, Shelbi MacIntyre, Henry Mark FACULTY Principal Peabody - Reynaud LeBoeuf Mr. Ervin Carpel, Woodshop - Gene Thorkildsen Ms. Angela Wellesly, Crafts - Gwendolyn Jensen-Woodard Mrs. Snodgrass, Lunchroom - Robyn Keyes P.A. Announcements - Julie Hoverson Rent-a-cop Bob - The Caretaker OTHERS Cop 1 - Glen Hallstrom Cop 2 - Joel Harvey 911 Voice - Julie Hoverson STAFF Writer - Julie Hoverson Doll Wranglers - Julie Hoverson, Kimberly Poole (Warp'd Space) Sound and Mastering - Julie Hoverson Stock sound effects - Soundsnap.com; sonomic.com Music - Prom - Sinkhole Music - background - Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) _______________________________________________________________________ Prom Evil - Part 1 MUSIC AMB            BUSY HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY P.A. VOICE     Don't forget! It's your last chance to pick up those prom tickets!  Show your Polk high Spirit!  Polky says - don't drink and drive! AMB            FADE IN ON WOOD SHOP SOUND          HEAVY DISTINCTIVE TICKING CLOCK IN THE WOOD SHOP CARPEL         [off] All right, um, kids.  Let's start finishing up-- BUD            You up for prom tonight? HAL            Gotta be there.  School spirit and all. BUD            Ew, Hal, you're not bringing ..."IT"? HAL            It's my job, Bud.  Polky lives. CARPEL         [off] Let's get everything put-- SOUND          BELL RINGS SOUND          CLATTER OF STUFF JUST BEING LEFT ON TABLES CARPEL         --Away. [sigh] SOUND          MASS EXODUS HAL            Bud!  Dude! [exasperated noise] SOUND          GATHERS UP TOOLS SOUND          KNOCK ON DOORFRAME TODD           Mr. Carpel? SOUND          SLAMMING BRIEFCASE SHUT CARPEL         [ow!]  Damn! [composing himself] This... it's my break, Todd. TODD           I just wanted to see... her. SOUND          TAP ON GLASS CABINET TODD           [almost silent] Hi! CARPEL         Todd! TODD           She--  They can come home soon, right?  CARPEL         After tonight, they can do...I mean, YOU...can...do whatever you want with them.  ... Her.  It. SOUND          SCRABBLE OF FEET CARPEL         Go on now.  I'm not...done... grading.  Scoot scoot. TODD           Right.  [almost silent] Bye! SOUND          FEET CARPEL         [sigh of relief] HAL            [clears his throat] CARPEL         [startled] Ahh! HAL            Sorry.  I was just putting away... CARPEL         Of course, of course.  Go on now. HAL            Right.  They're really pretty great, you have to admit. CARPEL         What?  HAL            The carvings.  SOUND          LIGHT TAP ON GLASS HAL            I woulda gone for it, but I don't have the patience.  Or the carving skillz-- CARPEL         Right, right - just please-- HAL            Got it!  Evaporate. SOUND          FEET, DOOR SLAMS CARPEL         [sigh, of extreme relief] MUSIC AMB            HALLWAY SOUND          LOCKER CLOSES LYN            [sigh] OK, nothing happens.  Surprise! BARB           It's coming.  What?  You're all hot to go study?  It's party night, Lyn.  Loosen up. LYN            [sigh] A moment, then-- BARB           Jake!  You're SO late! LYN            Huh? Jake--? BARB           Mmm.  Come here! SOUND          LONG SMOOCHING LYN            But, Barb--!  Barb!  Barb? SOUND          SMOOCHING ENDS JAKE           [catching his breath] Hey.  So, What's the deal? BARB           This is my cousin, Lyn. LYN            [panicky] uh, yeah. JAKE           Hey, Lyn.  I-- BARB           [sudden rush] I was telling her all about you, and she's just [as if she's looking for something] ...dying ...to meet ...you.  [angry sigh]  [shrill] Anyway.  She doesn't have a date for tonight, so I-- ANDY           [coming in] Whoa.  What the hell's up? BARB           Aha!  Jake?  You know Andy. JAKE           [chuckle] LYN            [this is ugly] Ohh! ANDY           What's up with this?  What-- BARB           I meant to tell you earlier, Andy, but you weren't picking up-- ANDY           I don't got my cell on me at practice-- BARB           [flippant] Andy... it's over-- ANDY           Over?  It's not over until-- JAKE           Oh yeah? BARB           So you'll have to find yourself a new "bunny".  Right Jake? ANDY           You bitch!  You said-- BARB           For prom. ANDY           But, Prom's TONIGHT! BARB           Sorry.  [she's not]  Not my problem.  Come on, stud muffins. JAKE           [chuckles] SOUND          THEY START TO WALK AWAY LYN            [rueful] Barb.  Jeez. BARB           [over her shoulder] Lyn's free tonight. LYN            [gasp!] ANDY           [to himself] Fine! [to Lyn, muttered] I got tickets, wanna go? LYN            I'm really sorry she-- ANDY           C'mon...don't make me waste 'em. LYN            [tsks]  Fine. ANDY           See you in the gym?  Gotta get back to the field. SOUND          HE TROTS OFF LYN            Right.  Bye. GEE            [coming on, whispering] Extra, extra - read all about it.  Dumped jock falls for head of debate team. LYN            I've already had my heart attack for the day, thanks, Gee. GEE            No hearts were injured in the filming of this-- LYN            I don't even have a dress. GEE            [mock serious]  Wanna shock everyone?  You could be my date.  [goofy kissy noise] LYN            [laughs] SOUND          BELL RINGS, THEY START DASHING LYN            Come on!  [hustling] Barb'll have a plan. GEE            [keeping up] Oh, yeah.  That'll be good. MUSIC SOUND          BELL RINGS SOUND          STUDENTS POUR OUT - END OF DAY SOUND          LOCKERS BEING OPENED STUDENTS       [conversations about the prom tonight] SOUND          DOOR CREAKS OPEN CARPEL         Oh, um... [hoarse] Miss, um, Francis! [clears his throat]  Miss Francis! MISSY          Yes?  Something I can do for you, Mr. Carpel? ["CAR-pull"] CARPEL         [irritable, automatic] That's Carpel. ["car-PELL"]  [clears his throat again]  I, um, I could use some advice...  Could you step in for a moment? MISSY          [unsuspecting] Um, sure.  What do you need? CARPEL         [lying] I have this niece, and it's her birthday, and I want a, um, well, a young woman's opinion of the present I bought for her.  It will just take a moment, um, if you can spare the time? MISSY          [indulgently] Oh, sure. MUSIC AMB            OUTSIDE, STUDENTS, TRAFFIC, ETC. STUDENTS       [lots of chatter about prom] BUD            Life's almost over...what do you plan to do once YOU graduate? HAL            Not a clue.  Dad says I've got-- [apes dad's voice] ..."no ambition, no drive."  I guess he's right.  I just don't have a burning desire to DO anything with my life... [LYN AND BARB PASS BY - FADING IN AND THEN OUT] BARB           --taffeta underskirt - but not too long, you know?  I was all like, how can I possibly dance in that?  LYN            I don't dance. BARB           Let me finish!  Sides, I want to show off the adorable prada pumps-- HAL            [heavy sigh] Except... BUD            [Following the look] Ex-cept?  Still got the hots for that brain? HAL            She's not a brain, just smart..."Brains" look down on the rest of us, and Lyn...she can be really nice.  Not like the barbies you date. BUD            Nothing wrong with dumb girls‑‑ HAL            Takes one to know one. MUSIC AMB            WOOD SHOP MISSY          Ooh!  Is this what the woodcarving class has been working on!  Wow!  Look at her teensy little hands! SOUND          TAP ON GLASS CARPEL         [getting more and more nervous] Ahem.  It's just over here, Missy. MISSY          Oh, right! SOUND          PAPER GIFT BAG FULL OF TISSUE SET ON DESK CARPEL         I hope this is something a... young lady would like. MISSY          Let's see. SOUND          BAG RUSTLES SOUND          SOMETHING PICKED UP ON WORKBENCH MISSY          What is it? SOUND          RUMMAGING IN TISSUE SOUND          HAMMER BROUGHT DOWN ON HER HEAD. MISSY          Oohhhhh! SOUND          BODY DROP SOUND          FEET RUN TO DOOR, LOCK IT CARPEL         [breathing heavily, panicky] MUSIC AMB            OUTSIDE BUD            Ask her. HAL            Nah.  Polky goes stag. BUD            Buy a clue, Hal...school mascot never gets laid.  'sides, running around as a big purple - what the hell is Polky, anyway? HAL            Polky is the Polk high polka-dot. BUD            Ri-i-ight.  Well...let's just say it ain't gonna get you a job. HAL            Scoff all you want.  If I work real hard, someday I could be a giant cell phone at the mall. BUD            Hark!  The wolverine has left the lamb unguarded-- HAL            Barb's gone?  Where? BUD            She probably went to pee on some poor guy.  Mark her territory-- HAL            [speculative] Maybe I will.... [grunts as he gets up, then fading]  What's the worst that could happen? SOUND          CREAK OF BACKPACK MUSIC AMB            WOODSHOP CARPEL         [still wheezing] SOUND          ASTHMA INHALER CARPEL         [Deep breath, then an exaggerated one]  Clear the mind.  [half another breath, cuts off with]  Oh, crap!  Clear the desk! SOUND          EVERYTHING BEING SWEPT OFF THE DESK MISSY          [groan, hit by something] CARPEL         Oh no!  No, no! Come here, you!  [grunts as he gets a grip on her] MISSY          [groans again] CARPEL         And U-U-U-U-U-P! [grunts] SOUND          THUMPS [humorous bit, with him trying to get her onto the desk, finally] CARPEL         [breathing heavily] MISSY          [groans] CARPEL         [whispering, afraid to wake her]  no!  Nononono!  Stay down!  [a moment of breathing]  Good.  [a demented whisper of a chuckle] SOUND          ROPE BEING UNROLLED CARPEL         [to self] need about... hmm...  three yards for the feet, and-- SOUND          KNOCK AT THE DOOR CARPEL         [startled to death] Ahh! SOUND          EVERYTHING DROPS, ENDING WITH A GOOFY CLATTER TODD           [off] Mr. Carpel?  Um, are you there? SOUND          DOORKNOB RATTLES SOUND          ROPE MOVES AGAIN, BEGINS TO BE KNOTTED CARPEL         [barely able to breath] Go away, Todd.  I'm busy.  Come back tomorrow. MISSY          [groans] CARPEL         [frustrated noise!] TODD           [off] I just wanted to...to check on my project. SOUND          KNOT TIED TIGHTLY CARPEL         You got an A.  Now go away! TODD           [off] I...um...Well, all right. SOUND          SECOND KNOT CREAKS MISSY          [sharp moan] CARPEL         [muttered] Better not hit her again...  a gag!  Yes, um... oh, no that's filthy... um... [catches himself and starts to laugh hysterically]  MISSY          [moans] CARPEL         [worried noise] Ahh! SOUND          TISSUE PAPER GRABBED AND SHOVED INTO MOUTH CARPEL         That should do it.  Now. SOUND          BOOK CREAKS OPEN, PAGES FLIP CARPEL         Right. SOUND          FUMBLING WITH GLASSES CARPEL         [reading from a list] Five black candles check.  Oil.  Salt.  Knife, oh yes. SOUND          PULLS THE THINGS OUT AS HE NAMES THEM, SETS KNIFE DOWN, AND IT CLATTERS TO THE FLOOR. MUSIC AMB            OUTSIDE HAL            [to self] Um, hi Lyn!  No.  [mister slick] "Hey. Prom?  Yeah."  No.  Uh!  [grunt as he's shoved aside] BARB           [disparaging noise] Walk much?  [to Lyn] It's all arranged. LYN            How could you--? BARB           What?  So I helped you.  Have a cow. LYN            HELPED me?  You-- BARB           Selflessly gave you my ex‑.  Isn't there an award for that?  Oh, get that out of my face! GEE            What?  Oh, sorry, right, if you cross a witch with your shadow, she loses her power over you. SOUND          UMBRELLA COLLAPSES BARB           What-ever.  Lyn.  Walk. HAL            Oh, darnit.  SOUND          [OFF] UMBRELLA UP AGAIN HAL            Aah! GEE            Oh, jeez!  Sorry! HAL            No.. no worries. [defeated sigh] GEE            [tsks merrily] LYN            But you...like...Andy? BARB           Of course I do.  This is just for tonight. GEE            [catching up] Let me guess.  You fixed him up with Lyn so he wouldn't get snatched up by someone more like...hmm...You? ...at prom. BARB           [snide] Coming from someone who carries a black umbrella and only dates on-line. GEE            It's a parasol, and I'll still have a complexion when I'm 40! BARB           Oh, yeah?  That white makeup will suck all your vitamin D! GEE            Lizard neck! LYN            Gee, leave off, OK? GEE            [exasperated sigh] BARB           [muttered] Little "Bite-Me Barbie". LYN            You leave off too. MUSIC AMB            WOOD SHOP SOUND          HEAVY CANDLE SET DOWN CARPEL         Five.  Lit counterclockwise, um... SOUND          CLOCK TICKS FOR A MINUTE CARPEL         Right. MISSY          [moans, then starts to wake, tries to scream around the tissue] CARPEL         [more whiny than scary]  I'll hit you again if I have to.  SOUND          TURNS A PAGE CARPEL         Circle of chicken blood.  SOUND          LID UNSCREWS ON PLASTIC BOTTLE, RATTLES AWAY MISSY          [SCREAMS AROUND THE PAPER] MUSIC AMB            OUTSIDE SOUND          HAL DROPS HIS PACK, THEN SITS HAL            Psyche 101. [grunts as he sits] BUD            What? HAL            Psyche 101...I could be a shrink, right? BUD            Yeah, right. HAL            Maybe I could specialize in abnormal psychology...you could be my first case study. BUD            Or him. TODD           [muttering] I just wanted to see her, and give her this heart - it's just the right size-- SOUND          RATTLE OF TINY NECKLACE CHAIN BUD            The resident wood shop mad genius? BOB            [calling from off] Ooh, it's Todd...hey, did Barbie ever return your calls? FRED           [calling from off] Maybe he's taking Chatty Kathy to the dance tonight. BOB            [calling from off] A blow-up doll'd be a better choice, Todd...at least then you'd have a chance of getting a little. TODD           [still muttered] Laurel's not a doll, she's a statue.  She's ART. GEE            Leave off, you scrotes. FRED           I vanda suckya blood! GEE            You wouldn't know what to DO with my blood.  MUSIC AMB            WOOD SHOP SOUND          LIQUID POURING onto floor CARPEL         [chanting] MISSY          [moaning] SOUND          ROPES CREAK AS SHE STRUGGLES MUSIC TODD           [muttering] Laurel is perfect.  I made her that way, and she understands me--[gasp] SOUND          THUD AS HE RUNS INTO BARB BARB           [uh!] Dweeb.  Get some glasses. [back to Lyn] I'll even get you a dress.  It won't be Vogue, but... SOUND          CELL PHONE BEING DIALED LYN            [weakening] But I don't want a dress.  I really ...Barb...I don't like this. BARB           No problem, really. LYN            But-- BARB           I'd loan you one of mine, but it wouldn't fit.  Like a basketball hoop catching tennis balls. LYN            [very uncomfortable noise]  Umm.  BARB           Jeez.  Missy's not picking up.  Wonder who she's doing? MUSIC AMB            WOOD SHOP SOUND          SCRAPE OF KNIFE BEING PICKED UP CARPEL         CHANTING SOUND          CELL PHONE MUSIC SOUND          KNIFE CLATTERS TO THE FLOOR CARPEL         What the--?  Oh, heavens! SOUND          RUMMAGING THROUGH HER PURSE, VARIOUS THINGS TOSSED ONTO FLOOR, SOMETHING SQUEAKS AS IT HITS SOUND          FINALLY FINDS PHONE, PUSHES BUTTONS, BUT NOTHING WILL STOPS IT, FINALLY THROWS IT AGAINST WALL AND STOMPS ON IT SOUND          PHONE DIES SOUND          ASTHMA INHALER MUSIC AMB            OUTSIDE LYN            All right!  I'll...I can borrow a dress from Jean...we wear the same size. BARB           Your little sister?  She's a baby, how could she have a decent dress? LYN            Who else is my mom gonna dress up?  Me? MUSIC WOOD SHOP CARPEL CHANTS AGAIN SOUND          BOOK CREAKS OPEN SOUND          KNIFE PICKED UP OFF FLOOR WITH SCRAPE MISSY          [struggling weakly] SOUND          SUDDENLY, LUNGES, PLUNGES KNIFE INTO MISSY WITH HORRIBLE SQUISHY NOISE.  GRINDS IT AROUND A BIT, MAKING SURE SHE'S DEAD MISSY          [death rattle] CARPEL         [breathing heavily]   SOUND          WIPES SWEAT OFF HIS FACE, THEN REACTS AS HE REALIZES HE JUST SMEARED BLOOD ALL OVER HIMSELF. CARPEL         gah!! SOUND          DASH TO SINK, RUNS WATER MUSIC AMB            OUTSIDE, BUT AWAY FROM PEOPLE TODD           [muttering to self] I spent so much time carving her.  I know the project called for raw wood, no paint, but now that they're graded and everything, there's nothing wrong with a little embellishment. SOUND          DELICATE NECKLACE CHAIN TODD           Gold will suit her dark grain.  Oh Laurel! MUSIC AMB            WOOD SHOP SOUND          TAPS TURNED OFF SOUND          DRIPPING CARPEL         Right.  The blood.  SOUND          METAL BOWL OUT OF BAG, CATCHES DRIPS CARPEL         Almost done now.  [ecstatic]  And then they'll see!  They'll all see! SOUND          DRIPPING SLOWS CARPEL         No, no, I need more....  I think I need more!  Oh!  Here. SOUND          CUTS A ROPE, ROLLS BODY ONTO ITS SIDE SOUND          GUSHY NOISES, MORE DRIPPING CARPEL         There we go!  That's about enough.  SOUND          DRIPPING CONTINUES, BODY FLOPS CARPEL         Enough!  SOUND          SHOVE BODY, IT ROLLS WITH A GUSHY NOISE CARPEL         Sorry about that, Missy, but it had to be done.  I wish you'd just stayed unconscious.  Wouldn't have been so awful for you. SOUND          SETS DOWN SLOSHY BOWL SOUND          OPENS GLASS DOOR OF CASE CARPEL         [chanting again] SOUND          PICKS UP BOWL SOUND          LIQUID BEING POURED MUSIC AMB            GYM [EVERYTHING ECHOES] SOUND          SOUND CHECK IN BACKGROUND SOUND          QUICK STRIDES ACROSS WOOD FLOOR HAL            --it's in the band locker.  You gotta let me in. PEABODY        [over his shoulder] The school is locked up for the night.  Besides, the old one's in the drama loft...use it. HAL            But it's a piece of crap!  The foam rubber's all gone to dust...you can't even breathe in the darn thing. PEABODY        You only have to wear it during the announcements.  Surely you weren't planning to parade around in the ludicrous mascot costume all night? HAL            [clearly disappointed] Guess not. PEABODY        Quickly, then... MUSIC CARPEL         [The chant ends.] SOUND          CREAKING OF WOOD [NOTE]         ESTABLISH THE DISTINCTIVE SOUND OF EACH OF THE DOLLS - LAUREL, ahhhh noises; LEDERHOSEN GUY, EVIL CHUCKLE; MONKEYHEAD, SCREECHES; SURFER DUDE, LONG DUH; AND THE MAJORETTE, RHYTHMIC CLICKING SOUNDS. CARPEL         It worked!  They live! MUSIC AMB            GYM SOUND          LIQUID POURING SOUND          FEET ON STEP LADDER ANGELA         Hand me the tape, Marge? SNODGRASS      Do I look like someone with three hands? ANGELA         [to herself] No, you look like a shaved bulldog in a safety orange muumuu. SOUND          POURING STOPS SNODGRASS      Huh? ANGELA         [covering] Just admiring your dress! SNODGRASS      [taking it seriously]   It ain't just anybody can wear this color.  You were looking for tape? MUSIC SOUND          TAPPING OF DOLL FEET AS THEY CLIMB DOWN CARPEL         You are mine!  My servants!  My revenge! SOUND          WOODEN FEET AS THEY HOP DOWN LEDERHOSEN GUY EVIL CHUCKLE SOUND          MOVED QUICKLY TOWARD CARPEL CARPEL         No!  No!  Not me!  You're supposed to obey me!  Stop! SOUND          PAGING THROUGH BOOK CARPEL         Obey me!  You're my minions! SOUND          THE DOLLS ATTACK.  TRIP CARPEL, PUMMEL HIM. CARPEL         What are you doing with that awl!  You could put an eye out-- [ahh!  Gurgle, whiny death noises] SOUND          FUTILE POUNDING OF TINY FISTS ON LOCKED DOOR END OF PART 1

The crew of a U-Boat in the Great War find some danger runs very very deep CAST Cap. Karl Heinrich - Rick Lewis Lt. Keinze - J. Hoverson Crew:  Shawn Connor & Bryan Hendricksen Music by:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Recorded with the assistance of Ryan Hirst of Neohoodoo Studio Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Art - Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a U-boat of the Kaiserliche Marine - can't you tell?" ______________________________________________________________ THE TEMPLE Cast: Lieutenant Commander Karl HEINRICH, Graf von Altberg-Ehrenstein, Lieutenant-Commander in the Imperial German Navy, Prussian (mid 30s?) Lieutenant Jurgen KIENZE, second in command, "womanish Rhinelander" (30) Boatswain MULLER, elderly "superstitious Alsatian swine" SCHMIDT [mid 20s - goes mad] ZIMMER [mid 20s - leads delegation to get rid of idol] BOHIN [mid 20s - goes mad] RAABE [early 20s - engineer] SCHNEIDER [early 20s - engineer] OLIVIA      Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a U-Boat of the Kaiserlich Marine, can't you tell?  (That's World War I, for all you younger folks...) [My apologies for any mischaracterization of Germans - it's all from Lovecraft's original text.  His complete lack of knowledge of U-Boats also - But I had to leave in the portholes to support the story.  Any mistakes in military etiquette of the time are probably mine, though.] MUSIC SCENE 1. AMBIANCE     U-BOAT ENGINE SEAMEN     [murmuring voices] SOUND     HATCH OPENS, CLANGING FOOTSTEPS KIENZE     Achtung!  Kapitanleutnant Heinrich on deck! SEAMEN     [instantly silent] HEINRICH     [commanding, slightly angry sounding]  Ser gut!  I have been reviewing the log regarding the sinking of the British freighter Victory, and I must say [getting ominous] that you are - most definitely - [spitting out the words] the single, absolute, most efficient U-boat crew in the Atlantic.  [laughs]  At ease, at ease. SEAMEN     [Excited chatter] KIENZE     I myself cannot wait to view the film we took. HEINRICH     Ya, ya.  [aside] The camera was off before we sank the lifeboats? KIENZE     As always, Kaleu. SOUND     HEARTY CLAP ON SHOULDER HEINRICH     Most excellent.  Come Kienze, I have a bottle of some fine Schnapps.  You must help me celebrate. MUSIC     in then under   SCENE 2. HEINRICH     [on a recording, tired sounding] On August 20, 1917, I, Karl Heinrich, Graf von Altberg-Ehrenstein, Lieutenant-Commander in the Imperial German Navy and in charge of the submarine U-29, deposit this bottle and record in the Atlantic Ocean at a point to me unknown but probably about North Latitude 20 degrees, West Longitude 35 degrees, where my ship lies disabled on the ocean floor. MUSIC      HAS FADED OUT   SCENE 3. SFX     SUBMARINE SURFACES SOUND     HATCH OPENS AMBIANCE     CALM SEA, OCCASIONAL BIRDS SOUND     FOOTSTEPS ON METAL HEINRICH     [grunt - stretching noise]  There is nothing like the first step out on deck after a victory, eh?. KIENZE     A "Victory"?  [chuckles]  Ya.  Very amusing. MULLER     [off]  Kaleu, sir!  Come! SOUND     FOOTSTEPS ON METAL HEINRICH     What could be so--  Oh! MULLER     He must be from the Victory, sir! KIENZE     Alive? HEINRICH     Don't be foolish, Kienze, we were far too long submerged.  He would have had a better chance if he let go and braved the waves.  [shouting off]  Remove the corpse! [NOTE - red text will come back at the end in echoes] ZIMMER     Sir!  His hands are in a death grip!  HEINRICH     Fingers break more easily than railings. ZIMMER     [hesitantly] uh... Aye sir! SOUND     POUNDING NOISES HEINRICH     [sanctimonious] One more victim of the unjust war of aggression the English schweinhunds are waging upon the Reich. KIENZE     Truly, he is our victim.  Nothing more. HEINRICH     You do not see the whole picture - [amused] Just like a soft-headed Rhinelander.  If you were a solid Prussian like myself-- SEAMEN     [OFF - NOISE OF AN ALTERCATION] HEINRICH     Vas is los?  Go and see. SOUND     FOOTSTEPS ON METAL KIENZE     What is this?  What is this?  Achtung! SOUND     SCRAMBLE OF MEN GETTING TO THEIR FEET KIENZE     What is so very exciting? ZIMMER     Sir!  Schmidt took something from the pocket of the ... [gulp] d-dead one. KIENZE     Schmidt?  Would you show this to me? SCHMIDT     It is nothing, Leutnant.  KIENZE     I will judge that.  Give it me.  [beat]  Well, this is... certainly something.  I am confiscating it - now put that over the side. SOUND     FOOTSTEPS ON METAL HEINRICH     So? KIENZE     A bauble.  Ivory, I think - looks like a classical bust, ya? HEINRICH     Not a senator, though - this one is much too young and handsome. KIENZE     Possibly a kaiser?  HEINRICH     Or a god. KIENZE     [reluctantly] It is yours, if you want it.  It might be valuable-- HEINRICH     No, no. I have not the sentimental-- MULLER     [off, screams] SOUND     FOOTSTEPS RUNNING ON METAL HEINRICH     [puffing only slightly] What is it? SCHMIDT     [shivering with fear] Muller, sir - it is Muller! KIENZE     Muller's unconscious. HEINRICH     Wake him. SOUND     SLAPS MULLER     [wails] SOUND     ANOTHER SLAP MULLER     [gasps, is silent] HEINRICH     Get him up here.  [command] Stations! SOUND     RUNNING FEET CLANG AWAY KIENZE     Are you going to talk sense now? MULLER     [hollow]  His eyes!  His eyes! KIENZE      Whose eyes?  Speak sense! SOUND     SLAP HEINRICH     Enough!  Muller.  Tell me what is wrong. MULLER     Ya, mein kapitan!  [trying to calm down]  The body - the eyes were closed.  But when they rolled it over the side, they opened - and they were mocking us! HEINRICH     [casual] Superstitious rubbish.  Muller, you have seen corpses before now, and-- MULLER     Sir!  But that is not all!  He--  [sullen, inward] You will not believe me! KIENZE     You are under orders to speak. MULLER     I-- watched as the body hit the water.  I saw it sink beneath the waves, and-- HEINRICH     And--? MULLER     [almost a whisper] It drew its limbs in, and swam away. KIENZE     You filthy lying--! [grunt as about to slap him again] HEINRICH     Nein, Leutnant.  [calming]  Muller.  You know this cannot be true, don't you? MULLER     But I saw-- HEINRICH     Water is deceptive.  It is strange, ya, that the body simply sank - but that is probably due to its waterlogged condition after being held under on our railing for hours.  Beyond that--?  It is all a trick of the light. MULLER     Truly? HEINRICH     I will hear no more about it, ya? MÜLLER     But you should keep no part of him on the ship - it is bad luck.  The statue-- HEINRICH     Is nothing.  It is a trinket.  You go about your duties now, Boatswain. SOUND     RELUCTANT FOOTSTEPS AWAY HEINRICH     Pfaugh.  [muttered growl] Superstitious Alsatian swine!  Why am I surrounded by inferior-- KIENZE     Kaleu?  Do you wish that I throw the bust overb-- HEINRICH     Nonsense.  We do not give in to fear.  We are men of the twentieth century - and, more importantly, officers in the Kaiserliche Marine.  KIENZE     I could... tell them I threw it-- HEINRICH     Do not show weakness.  It makes you sound unreliable. MUSIC     in and under   SCENE 4. HEINRICH     [canned] The next day a very troublesome situation was created by the indisposition of some of the crew.  Evidently suffering from the nervous strain of our long voyage, they had had bad dreams.  When weather turned choppy, we descended to a depth where the sea was comparatively calm, despite a somewhat puzzling southward current which we could not identify from our oceanographic charts. MUSIC      HAS FADED OUT   SCENE 5. SOUND     HATCH CLOSES SFX     SUBMARINE SUBMERGES SOUND     FOOTSTEPS ON METAL RAABE     Under-Engineer Raabe, here to make a report, sir! HEINRICH     Where is Schneider?  RAABE     He is ... unwell, sir. HEINRICH     What is wrong? RAABE     He... did not sleep well, sir. HEINRICH     What? KIENZE     It is the same with many of the men, Kaleu.  They are feverish and say they have had bad dreams. HEINRICH     If they are shirking, I will-- RAABE     Sir, no!  Schmidt is burning up with fever, screaming all night in his berth.  HEINRICH     [sympathetic] Then you did not sleep well either, I expect? RAABE     Nein, Kaleu. HEINRICH     [very pleased] Yet you are here, like a good sailor.  Good man-- MULLER     [muttered off] It is the idol.  It is accursed. HEINRICH     What?  Muller? MULLER     [panicky] Nothing.  I said nothing sir. KIENZE     He said-- HEINRICH     [grim] I heard what he said.  Muller, I will have none of this wild peasant superstition on my ship! KIENZE     [amused undertone] You forget, mein noble Kapitan, I am a commoner as well. HEINRICH     [dismissively] Burgher stock.  [teasing slightly]  And they made you an officer - you must have some good qualities. MULLER     What does it matter?  We are all doomed! RAABE     [dismissive] Doomed?  Because some men are sick? HEINRICH     Sehr gut.  We must remain rational at times like these.  Retain our iron German will.  [sharp] Kienze? KIENZE     [snapping to] Ya mein kapitanleutnant? HEINRICH     Remove Boatswain Muller.  KIENZE     Ya, Kaleu.  MUSIC     in and under   SCENE 6. HEINRICH     [canned]  The moans of the sick men were decidedly annoying; but since they did not appear to demoralize the rest of the crew, we did not resort to ... extreme measures. It was our plan to remain where we were and intercept the liner Dacia, mentioned in information from agents in New York. MUSIC      HAS FADED OUT   SCENE 7. SOUND      INSIDE THE BOAT.  MANY FEET RUNNING ACROSS METAL, FEET STOP ABRUPTLY CROWD     [muttering, backs up Zimmer throughout the scene.] HEINRICH     Und vas is los? ZIMMER     [clears throat]  Kapitanleutnant, we must request - most strenuously - that you-- HEINRICH     Is this about that knickknack?  What sort of Gypsies are you, to believe such phantasms?  ZIMMER     But what could it hurt, sir?  It is surely not so valuable that it is worth risking-- HEINRICH     What?  Risking what?  The only thing we are risking here is our mission. BOHIN     We will all die! ZIMMER     Shh.  [trying to sound reasonable] Morale, mein kapitan.  It is such a small thing, yet would mean so much to the men. HEINRICH     [low, despising] I see no men here. MUSIC     IN AND UNDER   SCENE 8. HEINRICH     [canned] Everyone seemed inclined to be silent now, as though holding a secret fear. Many were ill, but none made a disturbance. Lieutenant Kienze chafed under the strain, and was annoyed by the merest trifle - such as the schools of dolphins which passed the U-29 in increasing numbers, and the growing intensity of that southward current which was not on our chart. MUSIC      HAS FADED OUT   SCENE 9. SOUND     HATCH CLANGS SHUT AMBIANCE     UP TOPSIDE SCHMIDT     That makes seven of us.  We can surely-- ZIMMER     Muller is still in irons.  He can be no help. BOHIN     Muller saw them! ZIMMER     Shh.  None of the crazy talk, Bohin.  We cannot let ourselves-- BOHIN     [too intense to be sane] I have not seen them, but they call to me!  Their voices are like the waves - but waves that make words! SCHMIDT     [sigh] So there are six of us. SOUND     HATCH OPENS, A COUPLE OF FOOTSTEPS RAABE     What is going on here? SCHMIDT     [snort] We are planning a party.  What does it look like? RAABE     What is happening that makes everyone so-- BOHIN     There!  In the WATER!  They have come! RAABE     --Crazy? SOUND     RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, A STRUGGLE, A BODY SLAMMED AGAINST METAL. MUSIC     IN AND UNDER   SCENE 10. HEINRICH     [canned]  He was in a detestably childish state, and babbled of some illusion of dead bodies drifting past the portholes; bodies which he recognized, in spite of bloating, as having seen dying during some of our victorious German exploits. And he said that the young man we had found and tossed overboard was their leader. This was very gruesome and abnormal. MUSIC     HAS FADED OUT   SCENE 11. RAABE     Seaman Bohin tried to leap off the deck.  We had to hold him down until the madness left him, sir. KIENZE     All for such a small thing. SOUND     SMALL IVORY STATUE SET ON TABLE RAABE     That is what this is all about? KIENZE     Just that. SOUND      FOOTSTEPS, STATUE IS SNATCHED UP AND PUT AWAY IN A POCKET ZIMMER     Sir!  Leutnant Kienze?  Bohin is gone!  He is nowhere on the ship.  MUSIC     IN AND UNDER   SCENE 12. HEINRICH     [canned]  It at length became apparent that we had missed the Dacia altogether. Such failures are not uncommon, and we were more pleased than disappointed, since our return to Wilhelmshaven was now in order. MUSIC      HAS FADED OUT   SCENE 13. SOUND     MEASURED FOOTSTEPS AMB     INSIDE SEAMEN     [Muffled, CHEERS!!!] HEINRICH     [sigh]  This soft-headedness is not good.  Morale is the result of willpower, not coddling. KIENZE     Still, I too will be glad when this trip is over.  That southern current we have blundered into bothers me. HEINRICH     It explains how we missed our target.  Not every inch of the ocean is charted properly.  KIENZE     But it is so strong - to be overlooked. RAABE     [clears his throat]  Sir? HEINRICH     Schneider still not feeling well? RAABE     He prefers to remain in the engine room, sir.  He does not like ... being near portholes. KIENZE     Portholes? RAABE     His dreams haunt him.  [hurriedly] But he is not impaired in his job. HEINRICH     [teasing] Well, certainly you did not come all this way to tell us Senior Engineer Schneider does not like portholes.  Out with it! RAABE     Something fantastic has happened.  The boat - it is surrounded by -- dolphins. HEINRICH     Dolphins?  How many? SOUND     KIENZE'S FOOTSTEPS GO AWAY KIENZE     [off] Ya, come and look!  They are everywhere! HEINRICH     Finally something the superstitious can interpret as a good sign, ya? KIENZE     [jubilant] Just as we decide to return to Schlicktown!  This should truly mollify them. HEINRICH     [dry] How fortunate. MUSIC     IN AND UNDER   SCENE 14. HEINRICH     [canned] At noon June 28 we turned northeastward, and despite some rather comical entanglements with the unusual masses of dolphins, were soon under way. MUSIC      HAS FADED OUT   SCENE 15. SOUND     SNORING [HEINRICH] SFX     EXPLOSION HEINRICH     [wakes up] What?  What? SOUND     MANY RUNNING FEET, SOME BARE, ONE PAIR OF BOOTS STOMPS THROUGH CALMLY HEINRICH     Report.  Someone report! SCHMIDT     This is your fault, you swine!  You made us‑‑ SOUND     SLAP, BODY HITS METAL WALL HEINRICH     SHUT UP.  Is there anyone who can talk sense? KIENZE     [breathless, and coughing]  They have the fire out.  The explosion was in the engine room.  HEINRICH     What caused it? KIENZE     They have found no cause as yet.  The damage is extensive.  All systems have not yet been tested, but it is certain we have no steering. HEINRICH     No--?  What about the air compressors? KIENZE     They appear undamaged.  But, mein freund-- HEINRICH     Ya?  What is it? KIENZE     Schneider and - and Raabe - they were killed instantly. HEINRICH     [long indrawn breath, then cold as he can be]  That is most unfortunate. MUSIC     IN AND UNDER   SCENE 16. HEINRICH     [canned] Our situation had suddenly become grave indeed; for though the chemical air regenerators were intact, and we could use the devices for raising and submerging the ship and opening the hatches as long as compressed air and storage batteries might hold out, we were powerless to propel or guide the submarine. MUSIC      HAS FADED OUT   SCENE 17. SOUND     SNORING [KIENZE] SOUND     CURTAIN OPENS VERY STEALTHILY, HUSHED FOOTSTEPS, RUSTLING KIENZE     [snoring stops] SCHMIDT     [gasp] SOUND     SCUFFLE SOUND      COCK OF GUN KIENZE     What is it you think you are doing? SCHMIDT     [nutso] He demands it!  He will not let me sleep until it is returned to him! HEINRICH     [off] Was iss? KIENZE      A mutiny, kaleu. MUSIC     VERY BRIEF HEINRICH     [muttered] Can we do without Schmidt, short as we are of hands? KIENZE     Hah!  With no engines to maintain, I must always find make-work for the men.  They will go mad [bad choice of words] -- they are restless if left sitting on their hands. MUSIC     IN AND UNDER   SCENE 18. HEINRICH     [canned] German lives are precious, but the constant raving of Schmidt concerning a terrible curse was most subversive of discipline, so drastic steps were taken. The crew accepted the event in a sullen fashion. MUSIC      FADED OUT   SCENE 19. AMBIANCE     INSIDE SOUND     HATCH OPENS ZIMMER     [jubilant, yelling down from above] A ship!  We are delivered! HEINRICH     [composed]  Excellent.  You see, Kienze?  It is never so dark that there is no light.  Come along. SOUND      STEPS CLIMBING LADDER, THEN OUT ON DECK KIENZE     Give me the glasses. ZIMMER      But it is a ship, leutnant, isn't that enough? KIENZE     [suspicious]  Glasses, now! SOUND     A BEAT, THEN HEAVY ITEM PUT IN GLOVED HAND. HEINRICH     Vas ist? KIENZE     [disappointed and disgusted] Yankees.  ZIMMER     But surely surrender is better than death-- HEINRICH     [cold] Zimmer? ZIMMER     [braced for the worst]  Ya, kapitanleutnant? HEINRICH     [colder] Prepare for a dive. SOUND     GOING DOWN LADDER. MUSIC     IN AND UNDER   SCENE 20. HEINRICH     [canned] We did not descend far.  After several hours, we decided to return to the surface, however, the ship failed to respond to our direction in spite of all that the mechanics could do. Some of the men began to mutter again, but the sight of an automatic pistol calmed them. MUSIC      HAS FADED OUT   SCENE 21. KIENZE     Kaleu, the men are very restless.  They fear the worst, being trapped and drifting.  They blame us for making a bad decision. HEINRICH     [offhand] It was the only decision to make.  None but a weakling would surrender to the Yankees.  KIENZE     Any man may turn weak in such conditions-- HEINRICH     [self-satisfied] No Prussian.  And if I must be the backbone so my crew can stand straight as men, so be it.  KIENZE     The men are restless.  Angry. HEINRICH     [dangerous] If they will not stand, then I will put them down and stamp their bodies into pulp fit only to paint the walls. MUSIC     IN AND UNDER   SCENE 22. HEINRICH     [canned] It was about 5 A.M., that the general mutiny broke loose. The six remaining pigs of seamen, suspecting that we were lost, suddenly burst into a mad fury, roared like the animals they were, and broke instruments and furniture indiscriminately. Leutnant Kienze seemed paralyzed and inefficient, as one might expect of a soft, womanish Rhinelander. MUSIC     HAS FADED OUT   SCENE 23. SOUND     FADING IN, SIX GUNSHOTS, ECHO FADES AWAY HEINRICH      [breathing hard] KIENZE     [gasping, almost hysterical] HEINRICH     [deep breath] Get up. KIENZE     [gasps] Did you--?  Was that ... necessary? HEINRICH     [scornful laugh] You saw them.  Now, stand.  We need to clean house. KIENZE     What do you plan to do? HEINRICH     What else?  Put them out.  We can’t keep them here to stink up the place. SOUND      SCUFFLING, THEN SHUFFLING FEET KIENZE     We can use the top hatch-- HEINRICH     Ya, ya.  [going off] Make sure they are all dead, will you?  KIENZE     [calling] Where are--?  This will be easier with two. HEINRICH     [turning back, briefly] So would killing them, but I had to handle that.  This is your part.  [leaving again] Let me know when you need help getting them up into the hatch. MUSIC     IN AND UNDER   SCENE 24. HEINRICH     [canned] Our compasses, depth gauges, and other delicate instruments were ruined by the rampage of those swine; henceforth our only reckoning would be guesswork, based on our watches, the calendar, and our apparent rate of drift. MUSIC     FADED OUT   SCENE 25. SOUND     FEET COMING IN [KEINZE] HEINRICH     Look at this. KIENZE     [coming in]  Ya?  Oh, ya, more dolphins.  Very exciting. HEINRICH     No, no - this one here.  See the one with the scar? KIENZE     Ya. HEINRICH     How deep are we, did we determine? KIENZE     Too deep for dolphins, certainly, but-- HEINRICH     I have been watching this one in the searchlight for two hours now - and he has not left our side.  Delphinus delphis is a cetacean mammal, unable to subsist without air. KIENZE     Perhaps they are magic dolphins.  [trying to chuckle] I'm not interested in them until we run out of other rations. HEINRICH     It is a very important discovery.  Perhaps a new sub-species. KIENZE     [sigh] I'm sure the dolphins will be fascinated when you present your paper to them. MUSIC     IN AND UNDER   SCENE 26. HEINRICH     [canned] With the passage of time Kienze and I decided that we were still drifting south, meanwhile sinking deeper and deeper. I could not help observing, however, the inferior scientific knowledge of my companion. His mind was not Prussian, but given to imaginings with no value. MUSIC     HAS FADED OUT   SCENE 27. SOUND     SEARCHLIGHT COMES ON KIENZE     Fabulous, isn’t it? HEINRICH     Sunken ships? Interesting, yes, but fabulous?  What else are you likely to find on the ocean floor?  KIENZE     No, no - look there.  To the right.  You see?  That peak.  It is -- HEINRICH     A rock. KIENZE     No!  It is too regular for a rock.  You will see when we get closer. HEINRICH     Wake me when you can see it, then.  I think I will have some sleep. KIENZE     You don't care? HEINRICH     Ya, ya.  Do you need me to remain? SOUND     SITS IN CHAIR KIENZE     [beat] We have lost our escort. SOUND      LEAFING THROUGH A BOOK HEINRICH     Vas? KIENZE     Your beloved dolphins.  They have finally abandoned us. HEINRICH     I am more surprised they remained with us so long. KIENZE     [beat] What are we to do? HEINRICH     Do?  About the dolphins?  I am sure they can take care of themselves. KIENZE     You know what I mean!  What are we to do when we run out of...  of... everything HEINRICH     That is days, perhaps weeks away.  Why waste angst? KIENZE     But - there is no hope.  We will ... we must die. HEINRICH     Everyone must die. KEINZE     We could try and get to the surface - one of us - in the diving suit.  HEINRICH     And how deep did we decide we were? KEINZE     [beat, sigh] very deep. HEINRICH     If you want to take the suit, and try to get it to the surface, you are welcome.  But you know what will happen. KEINZE     It is possible to survive caissons disease. ["the bends"]  Even drastic decompression-- HEINRICH     As a cripple?  With joints that never work without pain?  With skin so damaged no one can look you in the face?  Perhaps paralyzed, even?  Incontinent? KEINZE     [sigh] HEINRICH     Better to die as a man than live as a beast.  Of course you might be lucky and have an embolism on the way up, and then ride the waves as a corpse.  MUSIC     IN AND UNDER   SCENE 28. HEINRICH     [canned] His mind was tired, but I am always a German, and was quick to notice that the U-29 was standing the deep-sea pressure splendidly. Our southward speed, as gauged by the ocean floor, was about as I had estimated from the organisms passed at higher levels. MUSIC     FADE AND OUT   SCENE 29. SOUND     BOTTLE POURS KIENZE     [slightly drunk]  Ya, plenty of air and food, but this [long gulping swig] won't last forever. HEINRICH     Not at the rate you are abusing it. KIENZE     I cannot lose myself in study as you do.  What is the point?  So you know so much more before you die.  HEINRICH     It is not impossible we will encounter another u-boat. KIENZE     Wake up Karl!  This boat - it is our tomb.  We are dead men.  All we have left to do is lie down. HEINRICH     Go to bed, Leutnant.  There is no point in talking when you are totalblau. KIENZE     [laughs bitterly]  You are going to give me orders yet?  What if I disobey?  You clap me in irons?  You will shoot me? HEINRICH     [close and dangerous]  I will remind you that you are a man, a trained soldier, and an officer of the kaiser's navy, and as such you should have the will to face death.  KIENZE     I am a soldier, ya.  I can face death in battle.  It is this lingering, drifting fate that horrifies me.  It is like having a fatal disease - you know you must die, but you cannot know when. HEINRICH     Very well, then. SOUND     GUN OUT OF HOLSTER, CLICK AS BULLETS ARE CHECKED, GUN DROPPED ON TABLE HEINRICH     More air for me. SOUND     RATTLE OF CURTAIN, FOOTSTEPS LEAVE, RATTLE OF GUN ON TABLE MUSIC     IN AND UNDER   SCENE 30. HEINRICH     [canned] The fact of our coming death affected Kienze curiously.  I was very sorry for him, for I dislike to see a German suffer; but he was not a good man to die with. For myself I was proud, knowing how the Fatherland would revere my memory. MUSIC     FADES OUT   SCENE 31. SOUND     SNORING [KIENZE] KIENZE     [waking with a horrified start, screaming] He is calling! He is calling! I hear him! SOUND     FOOTSTEPS, DOOR HEINRICH     [coming on]  What is wrong? KIENZE     We must go!  He will not call forever! SOUND     SLAP KIENZE     [gasps, breathing hard, almost sobbing] HEINRICH     [commanding] Calm down. Remember yourself, man. KIENZE     V-v-vas?  Kaleu? HEINRICH     There you are.  [disdainful] You were having a nightmare.  Now you are better.  SOUND     FOOTSTEPS BEGIN TO WALK AWAY KIENZE     No. SOUND     FOOTSTEPS STOP HEINRICH     [sigh] Vas? KIENZE     It was not a dream.  It was a voice.  I still hear it, you see!  I still hear him.  He calls to me - to us.  I don't know why you cannot hear him! HEINRICH     You are still drunk.  Or deluded. KIENZE     I am not.  Truly.  If you do not believe me, look out the porthole, and you will see his face.  It is right in front of us.  HEINRICH     What?  Show me.  Ah - blackness.  Precisely what is between your ears. KIENZE     The searchlight - kommen-zie! SOUND     FOOTSTEPS, SEARCHLIGHT COMES ON KIENZE     There!  There! HEINRICH     Mein gott! MUSIC     IN AND UNDER   SCENE 32. HEINRICH     [canned] I am not given to emotion of any kind, but my amazement was very great when I saw what lay revealed in that electrical glow. And yet as one reared in the best Kultur of Prussia, I should not have been amazed, for geology and tradition alike tell us of great transpositions in oceanic and continental areas. What I saw was an extended and elaborate array of ruined edifices; all in various stages of preservation. MUSIC     OUT   SCENE 33. HEINRICH     [pleased] Atlantis!  And we, Germans, have discovered it!  This is stupendous. KIENZE     He is out there.  His temple lies still before us, and he watches us from afar. HEINRICH     You saw this in your dreams? KIENZE     [disturbingly reasonable] He told me.  We should go. HEINRICH     Go?  Where? KIENZE     To him.  Come now - do not wait until later; it is better to repent and be forgiven than to defy and be condemned. HEINRICH     You think we should go outside?  We have only one diving apparatus. KIENZE     [laughs disturbingly]  A suit?  We need no suits - he will gather us to him.  HEINRICH     You have finally crossed into madness.  I will find you some medication. KIENZE     You cannot cure this with your science, Karl.  You are so sensible, and what does it get you?  Nothing.  Nothing!  Come now, or there will be nothing left for you! HEINRICH     You are mad.  KIENZE     [losing it] If I am mad, it is a blessing. May the gods pity the man who in his callousness can remain sane to the hideous end! Come and be mad whilst he still calls with mercy!   MUSIC     IN AND UNDER   SCENE 34. HEINRICH     [canned] As he spoke he took his ivory image from the table, pocketed it, and seized my arm in an effort to drag me up the companionway to the deck.  When that did not work, he fled.  In a moment I heard the grind of the first hatch, and understood that he meant to open them both, exposing the U-29 to the water outside, a vagary of suicidal and homicidal mania for which I was scarcely prepared. MUSIC     OUT   SCENE 35. SOUND     THE HATCH WHEEL SPINS SOUND      GUN COCKS HEINRICH     One more move and I shoot. KIENZE     [laughs hysterically]  Shoot?  I have nothing to fear.  He will welcome me. HEINRICH     Did I say I would kill you?  I will shoot you in the leg, and clap you in irons. KIENZE     You ... would do that!? HEINRICH     Ya.  [jaunty]  But, I am not one to hold a man back.  If you wish to go, go.  I will even run the hatches for you. KIENZE     You... why? HEINRICH     Further, I will watch and make sure he finds you, once you are adrift. KIENZE     [plaintive] But you will not come with me? HEINRICH     Nein.  I have things yet to accomplish. KIENZE     Very well.  But he will not be pleased with you if you ignore his summons. MUSIC     IN AND UNDER   SCENE 36. HEINRICH     [canned] After I saw that Kienze was no longer in the boat I threw the searchlight around the water.  I wished to ascertain whether the water-pressure would flatten him as it theoretically should, or whether the body would be unaffected, like those extraordinary dolphins. I did not, however, succeed in finding my late companion, for, owing to the abruptness of the change of angle, a wire was disconnected, which necessitated a delay of many minutes for repairs. MUSIC     OUT   SCENE 37. SOUND     SEARCHLIGHT OUT [NOTE: "HIS ECHO" REFERS TO HEINRICH'S OWN WORDS FROM EARLIER IN THE SHOW - COMING BACK TO HAUNT HIM.  THEY WILL BE PUT IN IN POST, AND HEINRICH SHOULD NOT REALLY PAY ANY ATTENTION TO THEM AS HE SPEAKS, AS THEY AREN'T ACTUALLY CONVERSING.] HEINRICH     [slow sigh] HIS ECHO     [very quiet] He would have had a better chance if he let go and braved the waves.  HEINRICH     Alone.  To survive until I die.  [deep breath] Very well.  SOUND      FOOTSTEPS HIS ECHO     [very quiet]  One more victim of the unjust war of aggression... SOUND      PULL OUT BOOK, OPEN AND PAGE THROUGH.   SCENE 38. MUSIC IN HEINRICH     [canned] I must be careful how I record my awakening today, for I am unstrung, and much hallucination is necessarily mixed with fact. Psychologically my case is most interesting, and I regret that it cannot be observed scientifically by a competent German authority. HIS ECHO     If you were a solid Prussian like myself-- HEINRICH     Upon opening my eyes my first sensation was an overmastering desire to visit the rock temple that stood before the now-stationary U29. HIS ECHO     No, no. I have not the sentimental-- HEINRICH     a desire which grew every instant, yet which I automatically sought to resist. MUSIC OUT   SCENE 39. SOUND     VAGUE CHANTING, DEEP UNDER. HEINRICH     [Waking suddenly]  Heh?  What is this? SOUND     SCRABBLE OUT OF BED, CROSS ROOM HEINRICH     Light?  Where is this coming from?  [wild hope] Could it be? SOUND     RUN THROUGH SHIP HEINRICH     Where?  Another ship?  [muttered] Port side, port side.  Aha! [sound of triumph turns into sound of dismay]  HIS ECHO     Superstitious rubbish.  HEINRICH     It is alight! MUSIC UP   SCENE 40. HEINRICH     It is well that the reader accept nothing which follows as objective truth, for the events are necessarily the subjective and unreal creations of my overtaxed mind. HIS ECHO     It is all a trick of the light. HEINRICH     When I attained the conning tower I found the sea in general far less luminous than I had expected. But the door and windows of the undersea temple hewn from the rocky hill were vividly aglow with a flickering radiance, as from a mighty altar-flame far within. HIS ECHO     I will have none of this wild peasant superstition on my ship! HEINRICH     The light showed that the friezes which covered the front of the temple, clearly carved from the solid rock of the cliffside, depicted many repetitions of but one face - the same face as the ivory bust which Kienze had carried back to the sea with him. HIS ECHO     --this one is much too young and handsome. HEINRICH     The rest is very simple. HIS ECHO     --a god. HEINRICH     My impulse to visit and enter the temple has now become an inexplicable and imperious command which ultimately cannot be denied. HIS ECHO     This soft-headedness is not good.  HEINRICH     My own German will no longer controls my acts, and volition is henceforward possible only in minor matters. HIS ECHO     Do not show weakness.  It makes you sound unreliable. HEINRICH     When first I saw that I must go, HIS ECHO     That is most unfortunate. HEINRICH     I prepared my diving suit, helmet, and air regenerator for instant donning, HIS ECHO     --have an embolism on the way up, and ride the waves as a corpse.  HEINRICH     and immediately commenced to write this hurried chronicle in the hope that it may some day reach the world. HIS ECHO     This is your part.  HEINRICH     I shall seal the manuscript in a bottle and entrust it to the sea as I leave the U-29 forever. HIS ECHO     Better to die as a man than live as a beast. HEINRICH     I have no fear, not even from the prophecies of the madman Kienze. HIS ECHO     None but a weakling would surrender HEINRICH     What I have seen cannot be true, and I know that this madness of my own, will at most lead only to suffocation when my air is gone. HIS ECHO     you should have the will to face death. HEINRICH     The light in the temple is a sheer delusion, and I shall die calmly like a German, in the black and forgotten depths. HIS ECHO     Why waste angst? HEINRICH     This demoniac laughter which I hear as I write comes only from my own weakening brain. HIS ECHO     blackness.  Precisely what is between your ears. HEINRICH     So I will carefully don my suit and walk boldly up the steps into the primal shrine, that silent secret of unfathomed waters and uncounted years. HIS ECHO     If you wish to go, go.  END  

When Cael Carzfinker, blade maiden of the ninth rank (etc., etc.) comes to the castle of Evil Wizard Mazurin to rescue a captive prince, the outcome is.... magical. Cast List Cael - Julie Hoverson Amalan - Krystal Baker Mazurin - Gareth Bowley Gigli - Reynaud LeBoeuf Prince Tupin - Abner Senires Music:  Celestial Aeon Project and Matti Paalanen Editing / Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover design:  Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a road through a dark and spooky forest, leading up to an evil wizard's castle" ________________________________________________   SWORD KVETCH Cast: Mazurin, Evil Wizard Cael, Amazon Warrior Tupin, Captive Prince Gigli, Goblin Amalan, Magic Sword OLIVIA      What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's the dark woods outside an evil castle, can't you tell?  MUSIC AMB     SPOOKY NIGHT WOODS SOUND     WOLF HOWL IN THE DISTANCE SOUND     HOOVES ON DIRT UNDER CAEL     [sigh] Typical. AMALAN     What? CAEL     I could write a ballad already.  AMALAN     Oh, no.  No, no, no - that's not your job. CAEL     Shh.  I'm composing. [muttering to self] AMALAN     [whispered] [sigh] Typical. CAEL     Evil castle looms ahead....  Hmm... Nighttime, need to rest my head-- AMALAN     You can't rhyme head with ahead. CAEL     It rhymes, doesn't it? AMALAN     [exasperated sigh] CAEL     [vague threat] I'm getting another sword. AMALAN     You always say that, but you know you couldn't do without me.  CAEL     [exasperated sigh] AMALAN     And who could you ever pass me off to? CAEL     Someone deaf. MUSIC AMD     ECHOEY CASTLE SOUND     SLAPPY FOOTSTEPS RUN IN GIGLI     [coming on]  Master!  Master! MAZURIN     [distracted]  Mm? GIGLI     Master! MAZURIN     Shh-shh-shh.  [excited] Do you see what I have here, my smelly little homunculi? GIGLI     But master--! MAZURIN     [tsks]  I've turned this drop of water into an equal measure of dust. GIGLI     [flat] Why? MAZURIN     It's a vital transmutation.  A change like this could make a great deal of difference! GIGLI     To a thirsty cockroach? MAZURIN     No no, you have to see how, yes, on a tiny scale, this could be a negligible change-- GIGLI     [sigh] Sir? MAZURIN     --But if you do this a million times at once, with a million drops of water, you could cause an entire lake to suddenly turn to dust, ruining agriculture.  And then, with a simple reverse, water from dust! GIGLI     Good.  Lovely.  Can I report now?  It's kind of urgent. SOUND     FIDDLING ABOUT WITH BOTTLES, ETC. MAZURIN     [still distracted]  Uh - what?  Yes, of course, go ahead. GIGLI     Are you listening? SOUND     BOTTLE SET DOWN MAZURIN     [distant]  Of course. GIGLI     [exasperated] Oh! SOUND     BOTTLE SMASHES ON FLOOR MAZURIN     What?  Why did you--? GIGLI     Listening now?  MAZURIN     [annoyed]  Yes, get on with it! GIGLI     Someone is approaching the castle! MAZURIN     [losing interest] Oh, well - set up the defenses. GIGLI     It's an Amazon! MAZURIN     [mildly interested]  Oh, that's different.  [shrug]  Still, the defenses... GIGLI     The moat monster is in labor. MAZURIN     I thought it laid eggs. GIGLI     Well, not after you did one of your little experiments on it.  And it's not best pleased about it. MAZURIN     Oh. GIGLI     And the man-eating vines--? MAZURIN     What?  I didn't do--  They're not giving birth, are they? GIGLI     Think it through? MAZURIN     What? GIGLI     Man-eating vines?  Amazon warrior? MAZURIN     [realizing slowly]  Oh?  Oh! GIGLI     [sigh] MUSIC SOUND     HOOFBEATS ON WOOD AMALAN     Cael, I don't like this. CAEL     You mean the way nothing at all tried to stop us from strolling right up to the front door of the evil wizard's castle? AMALAN     [sarcastic]  No, I meant the two-headed gargoyles - they're so passe'.  Of course that's what I mean!  There must be a trap-- CAEL     I'll keep my eyes peeled. AMALAN     Me too. CAEL     You haven't any eyes. AMALAN     Don't nitpick. SOUND     HOOFBEATS STOP SOUND     TAPPING OF FINGERS ON THE POMMEL CAEL     [musing]  No reception committee.  No moat monster....  The gargoyles? AMALAN     They're tacky as hell, but I don't sense any magic there. CAEL     Well, then. SOUND     DISMOUNT, HORSE NICKERS SOUND     POUNDING ON HUGE WOODEN DOOR AMALAN     Subtlety.  I like it. CAEL     It's what I do. MUSIC SOUND     DISTANT BANGING ON DOOR GIGLI     [calling from off] Master! MAZURIN     Stop banging, Gigli. SOUND     SLAPPY FOOTSTEPS APPROACH GIGLI     [a little closer]  They're at the door! MAZURIN     Tell them we don't want any. GIGLI     [almost here] The Amazon? MAZURIN     Oh, yes.  She got through the defenses--?  Oh, yes of course.  GIGLI     What are you going to do? MAZURIN     Oh, the usual. GIGLI     [sigh, down]  Send me to find out what she wants? MAZURIN     Good idea.  Let me know what she says. MUSIC SOUND     POUNDING ON DOOR AMALAN     If it's abandoned, that would explain the lack of defenses. CAEL     The high council doesn't send a questor to an empty castle. AMALAN     They might not know. CAEL     Yes.  [sarcastic] Why don't you just go and point that out-- GIGLI     [yelling from off, above]  Hail, warrior! CAEL     Hmm.  Manners.  [up]  Who hails me? GIGLI     I represent Mazurin, wizard of the crooked path, mage of the 8th tier, sorcerer-- AMALAN     [muttered] Yeah, but can he dance? CAEL     [side of mouth] Shh.  [up]  I have come to face your wizard.  Open the gate. GIGLI     What is your charge?  Mazurin is an exceedingly busy mage.  AMALAN     Crooking tiers? CAEL     [tiny sigh]  I am Cael Carzfinker, Blade maiden of the 9th rank, slayer of 3 gorgons, and participant in the slaughter of the great red armadillo of Murcie-- AMALAN     With a minor in [shudder] songwriting... CAEL     --and I am charged by the high council of her most royal majesty Luria the balladeer-- AMALAN     [muttered] Ballbuster. CAEL     [trying not to react] --to find and recover the missing Prince Tupin of Vagon, with an eye toward marriage. GIGLI     And my boss is supposed to care - why? CAEL     The scryes say the prince is here - a captive in durance vile under the thumb of this "boss" of yours. AMALAN     Excessive. CAEL     And thus have I come to reclaim him. GIGLI     Oh!  Right.  Hold on, I'll tell the wizard. CAEL     Where'd he go? AMALAN     Ducked behind one of those excrescences. CAEL     I didn't see any of those. AMALAN     [exasperated] The gargoyles. CAEL     So we wait for the wizard to speak.  SOUND     DRUMMING OF FINGERS AMALAN     Oh, you're not-- CAEL     "Green and crooked, small and beady"...  [searching for a rhyme] beady?  Beeeee-dy. AMALAN     Eyes are beady.  He was more... seedy. CAEL     Ah!  "--Small and seedy, his locks were lank and eyes were beady".  AMALAN     [sigh] MUSIC SOUND     SCRITCHING OF A PEN SOUND     SLAPPING FEET RUN UP GIGLI     [slightly puffed, laughing his ass off]  Sire!  She's here for him! SOUND     DOINK AS OF FINGER SNAPPED AGAINST SOMETHING GLASS MAZURIN     Him?  Oh, well.  That's simple then - I'll just un-glaze him, and-- GIGLI     You can't just hand him over! MAZURIN     Why not?  Then she'll go away.  Problem solved. GIGLI     [exasperated sigh]  Tradition?  Ring a bell? MAZURIN     Tradition?  Oh, you're not going to say I have to fight to the death over a trifle like-- GIGLI     No!  But you're supposed to make her do tasks to earn him, so she'll spread word of your cunning and deviousness.  [muttered]  And so she'll keep him once she gets him. MAZURIN     Oh.  I'm far too busy to come up with some silly tasks.  What does tradition say? GIGLI     I'll make you up some note cards.  Want me to let her in? MAZURIN     An... Amazon?  Don't they sleep in barns or something? GIGLI     I certainly wouldn't want to be the one to suggest it to her.  I'll find her and tell her you will speak to her at dinner. MAZURIN     I will? GIGLI     Tradition. MAZURIN     [pouting]  Fine.  Tell her, then come back and find me some [vague] ... robes. MUSIC GIGLI     [off] ...This way, and the wizard will be with you shortly. SOUND     BOOTED FEET ENTER ECHOEY HALL AMALAN     Roomy. CAEL     Kind of dusty, isn't it? AMALAN     Hard to keep help in an evil castle. CAEL     [agreeing] Hmm. SOUND     POOF! MAZURIN     [booming voice]  Dusty?  Humph! SOUND     POOF! SOUND     WATER DRIPPING ALL OVER. AMALAN     [doubtful]  Impressive? MAZURIN     [muttered]  Oh, drat. CAEL     [wiping her face]  Well, that's new. SOUND     SPLAT OF WATER SHAKEN OFF MAZURIN     [trying to save face "I meant to do that"] It's... something I've been working on. AMALAN     You could use it, back home. CAEL     Shh. AMALAN     You could finally get your quarters clean. CAEL     Shh! MAZURIN     What? CAEL     Nothing.  [declaring]  Mighty Wizard, I have come to recover the most noble prince Tupin and bring him home to wed.  This is my quest.  [snarls]  Do not stand in my way. MAZURIN     Oh, of course not. AMALAN     What? GIGLI     [hissed] Master! MAZURIN     Huh?  Oh right - as long as-- um, you-- GIGLI     [whispered prompting]  Can overcome my challenges three. MAZURIN     --Can overcome three challenges. GIGLI     [muttered]  Close enough. CAEL     Of course.  Name your challenges. MAZURIN     [taken completely aback] Oh!  Well-- GIGLI     [whispered] You forgot the cards? [stepping forward]  My great master will issue you each challenge at the break of dawn on three successive days.  Then you will have until sunset on the same day to complete each one. CAEL     Morning?  Why not start now? AMALAN     Tradition. GIGLI     Tradition, milady. CAEL     Fine.  What now? GIGLI     Dinner? CAEL     Hmm.  How about showing me the prince, so I know I'm not wasting my time? MUSIC SOUND     RINGING OF CRYSTAL AMALAN     Well, it's a guy. CAEL     He's... glass? MAZURIN     Much less irritating that way. GIGLI     [jumping in] For the great wizard finds the company of mere mortals a burden - he turns them into glass to show his mighty contempt. AMALAN     That's a lot of contempt. CAEL     It’s rather a lot of prince.  Ok, oh great wizard - let's just get this straight right up front.  When I beat your challenges, you'll turn him back to normal before letting me take him, right?  MAZURIN     That goes without saying-- GIGLI     After the first challenge, he will be returned to flesh.  After the second, he will awaken, the third, you may take him. CAEL     Good, I don't want to have to cart around a giant glass statue - must weigh a ton.  And it would be rather unfortunate if I dropped him. MAZURIN     Not really. AMALAN     Nice. CAEL     You said something about dinner? MUSIC SOUND     DINING GIGLI     More port, sire? MAZURIN     [dismissive] Yes, yes.  Now um, if you can picture this fork as an oncoming enemy-- SOUND     CLINK OF FORK - clink clink clink MAZURIN     Then the napkin - I mean the entrapment grass, remember - would of course slow him-- GIGLI     Your port. MAZURIN     Over there, beside the battlefield. GIGLI     [exasperated sigh] SOUND     CUP SET DOWN. MAZURIN     Where was I, oh yes, slow him-- SOUND     CLINKS GET MUFFLED, THEN SLOW MAZURIN     --and eventually stop him. SOUND     MUFFLED CLATTER AS FORK IS WRAPPED UP IN NAPKIN CAEL     [interested] Clever. MAZURIN     Really? CAEL     Immobilizing an enemy makes him an easy target.  So you put your strength into archers, to pick off the enemy soldiers stuck in the fields like-- AMALAN     Garden gnomes? CAEL     --like so many topiary.  Hmm.  Not bad at all.  I could even write a song about that. AMALAN     Oh, please don't - he'll turn you to glass. CAEL     Shut up. MAZURIN     I didn't say anything. CAEL     Not you-- [sigh] I have this curse-- AMALAN     I am not cursed. CAEL     --of a sword.  It talks to me. MAZURIN     Do you often hear weapons talk? AMALAN     [snickers]  CAEL     No, really.  Here-- SOUND     UNSHEATHES SWORD CAEL     Say something.  [beat]  [apologetic] Great, now she's pissed at me.  [muttered] Don't make me look bad.  [up]  When she's in the sheath, I'm the only one who can hear her. GIGLI     Your sword is a girl?  Isn't that somehow counter-intuitive? AMALAN     Big words from a goblin, bub. CAEL     [heavy sigh] See? MUSIC SOUND     WALKING INTO SMALLER CHAMBER GIGLI      Sleep tight! SOUND      DOOR CLOSES CAEL     I can’t believe you would embarrass me that way! AMALAN     Embarrass you?  Who called who cursed? CAEL     No, I said you were "my curse", not that you were accursed. AMALAN     Oh.  That's different. CAEL     How's that damn wizard gonna have any respect for me now? AMALAN     Who cares?  He's old.  And evil. CAEL     He's not that old.  AMALAN     And evil. CAEL     [shrug]  That's his job. MUSIC SOUND     DOOR SHUTS, TIPTOEING SLAPPY FEET MAZURIN     [roaring] Gigli? GIGLI     Gurk! [deep breath, then bright]  Yes, master? MAZURIN     What did you think you were doing, insulting an Amazon like that? GIGLI     I --  I didn't-- MAZURIN     You called her a lummox! GIGLI     She was... playing you, sire!  I was only defending your-- MAZURIN     What?  Playing what?  GIGLI     Playing games.  You know no one ever actually listens to you when you rant on about one of your inventions, and there she is [squeaky] "oh how clever!  You're so smart!"  [normal] blech!  And you-- MAZURIN     [wounded] Of course people listen to me-- GIGLI     I don't. MAZURIN     [huffy] You're just a familiar.  GIGLI     [muttered] Don't remind me.  [up]  Sire, what I meant is she's trying to soften you up, get you to like her, so the tests will be easier.  MAZURIN     What's wrong with that? GIGLI     [sigh]  You have a reputation to uphold, my mighty lord.  MAZURIN     Oh, I really don't-- GIGLI     --and if it gets out that you're a pushover, every Tom, Dick and Harry will be at your doorstep, looking to get something from you. MAZURIN     [gasp of panic] GIGLI     And when will you ever get anything done? MUSIC SOUND     PACING IN THE ECHOEY DINING HALL AMALAN     So wizards don't wake up as early as warriors.  So what? CAEL     It's dawn.  He said dawn. AMALAN     Barely.  Sit. CAEL     Nah.  I'm hyped.  I'm ready for something really difficult.  A good fight. SOUND     POOF! MAZURIN     The challenge is-- CAEL     [eager] Yes? MAZURIN     Now, if you think the challenge is too hard, you can back out and go away, you know. AMALAN     Ri-i-ight. CAEL     Not gonna happen. MAZURIN     I am not adverse to leaving someone alive to spread word of my cruelty and -- and--. GIGLI     [hissed] Cunning! MAZURIN     And cunning. CAEL     And? MAZURIN     And...?  [thinks] and... meanness? CAEL     [sigh] And the challenge? MAZURIN     Right.  You must ... empty my entire moat into a single tankard. AMALAN     [eyeroll] Oh, jeez. CAEL     [skeptical] Are you sure? MAZURIN     Sure? SOUND     SORTING THROUGH CARDS, STOPS MAZURIN     Um... yes.  That's the first challenge. AMALAN     You wanna tell him, or should I? CAEL     Ok, here's the deal.  I could go out into the yard, smack a big hole in the bottom of a tankard and then cupful by cupful pour slimy moat water into the now bottomless tankard until there's nothing left in your pond but silt, dying fish and a pissed off moat monster. MAZURIN     Oh.  [whispered] Would that work? SOUND     FLIPPING PAGES GIGLI     Uh--  Yeah. CAEL     Or I could-- MAZURIN     [whispered] I can go on to another one. GIGLI     [whispered] Nah.  You can't switch horses in midstream. CAEL     Is everything all right? MAZURIN     [up] Just a moment! AMALAN     Ka-ching! CAEL     What? AMALAN     You aced it - he might demand you actually go through with it, but he seems surprisingly reasonable for an evil wizard. CAEL     I still don't think he's all that evil. AMALAN     He turns people to glass and makes grass that grabs you. CAEL     And I bring in archers to kill the immobilized troops-- MAZURIN     All right.  We've got this settled. AMALAN     He lets his familiar be part of the decision process? CAEL     I talk to a sword.  [up] Yes, oh mighty wizard? MAZURIN     Well. [ahem]  Rather than have to restock my pond-- AMALAN     Boo-yah! MAZURIN     --we're going to take it as read that you completed the first task, and start fresh in the morning. CAEL     What do we do for the rest of the day? MAZURIN     [at a loss]  uh...  well... [doubtful] You could... come and see my workshop? AMALAN     Spare me. CAEL     That would be fascinating. AMALAN     No really, spare me! CAEL     While we're there, you can turn the prince back to flesh. MAZURIN     Oh, right.  Of course. AMALAN     Couldn’t you leave me with the blasted goblin?  At least he can hold a conversation. CAEL     Shut up. MAZURIN     What?  Oh, right, the sword.  Did I mention that I've figured out how to turn water to dust, and vice versa?  Mostly only a drop at a time, just yet, mind you - since it's very hard to control in large quantities - oh, well, except for last night-- CAEL     Oh, is that what that was--? MAZURIN     --but I was -uh- trying to make an impression. MUSIC CAEL     [singing, but a bit shaky] the mighty warrior calms her rage goes into the castle dark and drear wond'ring what sort of wicked mage might be he that liv-ed here and whether she would see another day! SOUND     LIGHT BUT ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE MAZURIN     [admiring] You wrote that just last night? CAEL     I - I couldn't sleep.  It's not finished. MUSIC MAZURIN     I work on very small amounts at a time - no need, really, to enchant huge things.  Saves space and lord knows, who wants seven tons of aspic just lying around? MAZ and CAEL     [CHUCKLE] GIGLI     [exasperated]  On that culinary note - Master, do you plan to dine here in the workshop? MAZURIN     Dine?  But it's hardly even dark out--  Oh!  Well.  CAEL     No wonder you keep lighting candles. MAZURIN     I didn’t even notice, I was so caught up-- GIGLI     Din-ner? MAZURIN     Of course. Of course.  Shall we? CAEL     [stretching]  I hadn't even thought about it, but I am famished. GIGLI     And your sword? CAEL     don't be silly.  Swords don't eat.  She's been awfully quiet, though. AMALAN     I have been trying to ignore you.  You’re acting like a scullery maid who got smiled at by a lord. CAEL     What? AMALAN     And it will get you into trouble- this mage is the enemy.  He's enchanting you. MAZURIN     Something wrong? CAEL     No.  [thinking]  Nothing. MUSIC GIGLI     Sleep well.  Challenge at dawn.  All that. SOUND     DOOR SHUTS CAEL     Check me for magic. AMALAN     Why? CAEL     You're the one who said he's enchanting me. AMALAN     I meant he's charming you - not like a CHARM charm, just by being a smooth talker. CAEL     So you don't really suspect a spell? AMALAN     I don't see anything out of the ordinary. CAEL     Whew.  That's a relief. MUSIC SOUND     BANGING ON THE DOOR GIGLI     Rise and shine!  It's dawn. SOUND     DOOR OPENS SLOWLY GIGLI     Hello?  Hmm. SOUND     FLAPPY STEPS INTO THE ROOM GIGLI     Must already be down there...  [mischievous]  We-e-e-ell.  SOUND     PAWING THROUGH HER THINGS GIGLI     Figures an Amazon wouldn't have anything interesting in the way of undies.  Lace would ride up something fierce.  What's this? SOUND     PARCHMENT UNROLLS GIGLI     [reading] "The great and mighty Queen Luria" blah blah blah "doth decree" Oh doth she?  Blah blah blah.  "That prince Tupin should be returned safely to her royal residence in order to be joined in marriage and alignment with her oldest daughter [ with feeling] princess Cael!"  [tsks, then truly rueful]  Boss ain't gonna like this. MUSIC MAZURIN     The test for today-- [muttered] where is that idiot goblin anyway?  [up] Is for you to clean out the stables of my thirty terribly ferocious horses. CAEL     OK.  But this one's going to be easy too. AMALAN     Unless they've been eating fermented oats - remember that one time at bard camp? MAZURIN     Oh? CAEL     Course.  I've spent my entire life around the royal stables.  Horses like me.  MAZURIN     Oh, I suppose we could just call it even and I could show you a few more-- CAEL     Nonsense. MAZURIN     Nonsense? CAEL     Silly!  First - I might as well prove I can do something to earn my keep.  And second, if it's such a test, I can't imagine the poor horses having to live there without it being cleaned.  Which way? MAZURIN     Oh, um, I'll take you there. SOUND     FOOTSTEPS PROGRESSING THROUGH HALLWAYS CAEL     That would be lovely.  Oh, is there anything in the tests that says I can't ask someone for help? MAZURIN     I'm not sure - Gigli would know, but-- CAEL     Well, I figured it couldn't hurt to ask. MAZURIN     But there's only really one, well, person, you could call on to help, and Gigli isn't fond of any kind of animals-- CAEL     Oh, he's not who I was thinking of. MAZURIN     What, who, then? CAEL     Nuh-uh.  Not until you decide if I can - don't want to give it away. MAZURIN     [enjoying the byplay]  Shall I guess? CAEL     Nope, just decide, then I'll tell you. MAZURIN     All right.  Yes.  You can ask someone, but I can't constrain them into helping you. CAEL     [laughs]  Fine.  You wanna help? MAZURIN     Me? CAEL     I'll do all the heavy lifting, but I thought maybe once the bulk is gone, there's plenty of dust in a good old hayloft... MAZURIN     Oh!  [laughs himself] Oh, yes! AMALAN     [disgusted] Oh, gods. MUSIC GIGLI     No, no, no, no, NO!  She wasn't supposed to have any help at all - how could you have missed that part? MAZURIN     You weren't there to cue me, so you can't complain.  What do you think of my beard? GIGLI     Your beard?  Why? MAZURIN     I've trimmed it down a bit - I think it's rather dashing. GIGLI     [disgusted] Dashing? MAZURIN     Makes me look a bit of a rakehell.  Do you think I should wear the green or the black robe?  I like green better myself, but black is so very... oh... manly-- [hums tunelessly to himself.] GIGLI     Oh, you moron!  [sigh]  She's supposed to marry the prince. MAZURIN     [hum cuts out with a gasp]  wh-wh-whatever do you mean?  [Blustering, trying to laugh] What?  Ha-ha-ha.  [losing momentum, starting to wind down]  What did you think I was ... doing? GIGLI     I really hate to burst your bubble, especially since you actually eat and bathe right now, but I saw it in her gear.  She has to get the prince back and marry him. MAZURIN     She has to-- GIGLI     Said "Princess Cael" big as life.  MAZURIN     Oh. MUSIC SOUND     CAEL GETTING DRESSED AMALAN     Lucky for you, you were in the barn when he doused it.  No one likes a smelly Amazon. CAEL     Do you remember if I packed my teal chemise?  AMALAN     Isn't that the one you only wear for state occasions? CAEL     Um, yes... AMALAN     The one you say rides too tight through the chest and you hate to wear except that it brings out your eyes? CAEL     [overly casual]  Yes.  Did I pack it? AMALAN     I distinctly recall the words [mimicking] "phooey, when I go to do battle, who's looking at my... eyes?" CAEL     Drat. AMALAN     How can you stand him?  He's so dull! CAEL     Dull?  What do you mean? AMALAN     I mean what could possibly be more completely boring than turning dust to water - oh, yes.  Turning locusts to aspic.  That was much more boring. CAEL     It was not.  It's important magic.  He's very clever. AMALAN     Clever like a fox.  No wait that's wrong... right... anyway, forget it.  I means he's deliberately being disarming, CAEL     Speaking of disarming... SOUND     BUCKLE BEING UNBUCKLED, SWORD LEFT BEHIND AMALAN     What are you doing? CAEL     Just what you asked me to do - Sparing you. AMALAN     What? CAEL     No reason I'd need a sword at dinner.  Even with an evil wizard. MUSIC SOUND     EAGER, MESSY EATING NOISES MAZURIN     [heartfelt heavy sigh] TUPIN     [mouth full]  So where's this princess?  She one of those who likes to make an entrance?  Man, she must have seriously kicked your ass, eh?  Is she  hot?  GIGLI     [muttered] I'd actually forgotten-- SOUND     BIG DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS MAZURIN     [deeply affected - she looks good]  Oh. TUPIN     [eating stops, swallow] That her?  Man, she's kinda chunky.  And old. GIGLI     Oh, for a hammer. SOUND     [under the talking] MAZURIN'S CHAIR SQUEAKS OUT, HE TAKES A STUMBLING STEP AND THEN PULLS A CHAIR OUT FOR HER MAZURIN     [barely able to talk]  You look - very nice.  Very. TUPIN     Aren't you a little underdressed?  CAEL     I - who? [whispered] Who is that? GIGLI     You don't recognize him?  CAEL     Oh, the prince!  Greetings, your highness.  So pleased to see you upright - or at least sitting down.  MAZURIN     Have a seat, milady? CAEL     Thank you so much, kind sir. TUPIN     I don't have to stand.  I'm royalty. CAEL     What? TUPIN     That crack about me not getting up when you came in - it's not like you're my mom or anything.  Princes don't have to stand. GIGLI     [whispered] Please let me leave, boss.  I'm gonna kill him. CAEL     I didn't mean anything-- MAZURIN     [whispered] Go, then. GIGLI     As you command. SOUND     QUICK SLAPPY STEPS, DOOR TUPIN     Well, you sounded very critical.  I don't put up with that from anybody.  Not even other royalty. MUSIC SOUND     DOOR OPENS AMALAN     Who's there? GIGLI     Where is it...? SOUND     SLAPPY FEET, SWORD SLID OUT OF SHEATH AMALAN     Unhand me! GIGLI     Hey, just wanted to ask you a couple of questions - as if I know what to do with a sword...  Well, there is this prince... [nasty chuckle] AMALAN     Prince Tupin? GIGLI     Yeah.  What a prize. AMALAN     That bad?  Is he - of course!  He's awake, isn't he? GIGLI     Unfortunately. AMALAN     Oh, man, and I'm missing it.  GIGLI     If she doesn't clock him by the end of the evening, I'm no familiar. AMALAN     Nah.  She's under strict orders. GIGLI     Yeah, I know. AMALAN     You know.... what? GIGLI     Oh, I was scouting for my master, and found the parchment in her things.  He was really disappointed, you know. AMALAN     Disappointed?  Your master?  Why? GIGLI     That your princess will be marrying the prince. AMALAN     Big whoop.  She has to marry someone.  Besides, it's years off. GIGLI     Yeah, but he--  Nothing. AMALAN     He what? GIGLI     It's kind of amazing, really.  Never seen my boss like this before - you know, picking out clothes by more than smell.  And then finding out she's spoken for. AMALAN     He's interested in the princess?  That's kind of creepy. GIGLI     Why?  He may be a wizard, but he is a man. AMALAN     Perv. GIGLI     Hey, she may not be my type, but she's not so hard on the eyes.  You should be more supportive. AMALAN     You're a perv too.  The princess is only 13!  GIGLI     [blink blink]  She's really tall, then. AMALAN     Huh?  Have you even seen the princess? GIGLI     [halting]  Your... lady warrior? AMALAN     Oh, heck no.  The princess Cael is-- Oh!  You thought my boss was the princess?  Gads!  Half the girls in the country are named Cael, for the great queen who led her people out of darkness and taught them to fight? GIGLI     Oh?  Oh!  I've got to tell him! SOUND     SLAPPY FEET AMALAN     Wait!  You mean your master is really-- I thought he was just softening her up. GIGLI     [snorts]  He wouldn't know how to begin.  Short of turning her to aspic... MUSIC CAEL     With the extra horses, I can him get there and make it back in about two weeks. MAZURIN     [a bit negative] Back? CAEL     Yes.  MAZURIN     [grumpy] Why? CAEL     [a bit deflated]  To... return the horses? MAZURIN     Oh, of course.  [lying badly] I may not be here.  I have a big trip coming up.  But Gigli can see that you have a place to sleep... CAEL     [backing off] Or I could always send someone with them. SOUND     DOOR SLAMS OPEN, SLAPPY FEET RUN IN GIGLI     Sire!  There has been a grave error! MAZURIN     [sharp]  What? GIGLI     It's entirely my fault, I admit - wait, what happened to the prince? CAEL     He fell asleep.  I think he ate too much. GIGLI     [chuckles] I'll bet.  Good one, sire. MAZURIN     What is your news, mannikin? GIGLI     Ah, yes.  Um, can you come over here, maybe?  CAEL     I can... leave. GIGLI     No!  [urging] Master? MAZURIN     Just spit it out.  GIGLI     [whispered] She's not the one. CAEL     Not the one what? MAZURIN     Not?  What?  GIGLI     Arrying-may the ince-pray. CAEL     Your goblin has lost its mind. MAZURIN     Not marrying the prince?  You're not marrying the prince? CAEL     Me?  Oh, gods no!! MAZURIN     But he saw-- GIGLI     Princess Cael is marrying him. CAEL     Yeah.  She's my cousin.  It's all arranged for her eighteenth birthday.  Hey, if they ask, can I tell them you'll turn him back to glass until then? MAZURIN     Not you? CAEL     No.  [thankful and sarcastic] I'm not worthy of one such as him.  Besides, he's years younger than me. MAZURIN     Then you can marry anyone you want? CAEL     Once I successfully complete my quest.  That's kind of why I took it. MAZURIN     [horrible anticipation] Did you - have someone in mind? CAEL     [suddenly shy]  No.  Why? MAZURIN     Nothing.  Just-- GIGLI     This is disgusting.  Just kiss her.  CAEL     But there's a third test--? MAZURIN     Oh, yes... GIGLI     [eye roll]  The third test was too see if you could listen to the wizard and not fall asleep - boom, you win.  Kiss her. MAZURIN     [excited]  Can we do that? GIGLI     The whole test thing was mostly because I was really, really bored.  ...And tradition. CAEL     We should hold off the kissing until I complete my quest.  There's always the chance the prince will get lost in the forest on the way back. GIGLI     Now there's an idea... MAZURIN     Perhaps an escort would be helpful?  Hmm? CAEL     ...and a cart.  Then he could sleep the entire trip! GIGLI     Poor princess. CAEL     She throws things.  I think they're actually well matched. MAZURIN     [giddy]  Well, perhaps a toast? CAEL     And then you can finish telling me about your research into the relationship between the angle of sunlight and the movements of pond slime. MAZURIN     Only if you promise to complete that ballad you were writing and sing it for me on the trip. GIGLI     [disgusted moan] END  

In classic 1940s Hollywood, aspiring screenwriter Fiona Cross discovers the pitfalls of writing remakes - including, perhaps, romance with an undying legend of the silver screen. Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Fiona Cross - E. Vickery Victor Malacard - Cole Hornaday George - Jerry Bennett Margie - Kristina Yuen Andy - Michael Faigenblum Additional Voices - Rhea Lutton, Julie Hoverson,  Reynaud LeBoeuf Music:  Gabriel Garcea (gagamusic.eu) (also available on Jamendo) 19 Nocturne Theme:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Sound effects found on Soundsnap.com Recorded with the assistance of Ryan Hirst of Neohoodoo Studio Cover Photos:  (courtesy of Stock Xchange.com) "What kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a movie studio office - can't you tell? Where else would you find... a screenwriter?" _______________________________________________     HOUSEWARMING Cast:   [opening credits/Olivia] Fiona Cross, screenwriter   George Webber, producer   Victor Malacard, actor/director   Margie, best friend   Mason, butler   Andy, a Messenger   Instructor voice, on P.A. Landlady   OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What  do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a film producer's office, can't  you tell?   SCENE 1 MUSIC SOUND EFFICIENT TYPING, PHONES IN THE BACKGROUND GEORGE The bad news is -it's really very good. FIONA [excited] Wonderful! [waitaminute] That's  the bad news? GEORGE Yup. Because we can't use it. SOUND SHEAF OF PAPERS TOSSED ONTO TABLE. FIONA What? But ...but Mr. Webber, you said it  was GEORGE Practically brilliant. I'll even read your  next one, and I don't say that often.  [pauses, thinks] Ever. But, Miss Cross...  you should know by now that writing remakes  is a complete waste of time. There's all  sorts of issues. We don't want to get sued. FIONA But The House on the Peak was made- GEORGE Twenty-odd years ago. It's still dicey.  Whoever owns it could sue us, and after that  fiasco at Champion pictures last year...  We're taking no chances. We're not Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, you know. FIONA If ... what if I could make an arrangement  with the owner? Would you still be  interested? GEORGE [cagey] Well, I said it was good, but I  never actually said I was interested.  [beat] Come back when you've got a  signature. MUSIC BRIDGE   SCENE 2 SOUND TINNY PHONOGRAPH MUSIC INSTRUCTOR [off mike throughout] And lift. One. Two. FIONA [puffing slightly throughout] All that  work! MARGIE [puffing slightly throughout] Goodness,  Fiona, didn't anyone ever tell you never  adapt? INSTRUCTOR ...five and six. Arms up! FIONA I guess I figured the studio would handle  all that. MARGIE [teasing] Did you just drop off the turnip  truck -Oh, sorry, the porkchop truck. INSTRUCTOR ...seven and eight -keep them up! FIONA [teasing back] You just watch it, we  Piggottsville girls are tough! [puffs a  bit] Now I just have to get up the nerve. MARGIE [sarcastic] Nerve? YOU? I can't imagine! INSTRUCTOR [off] I hear someone talking! FIONA [whispered] Enough nerve to go and talk to  Victor Malacard. MUSIC BRIDGE   SCENE 3 SOUND CAR DRIVES AWAY. WOODSY NOISES FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL. FIONA OK, Fee. Let's see what you've got. Scene:  Heroine walks up to big spooky house. She  is nervous. Almost trembling -wait, no  scratch that. She is resolved, plucky.  Much better. SOUND CREAK OF WOOD, BIRD CALL FIONA [slightly spooked] Or not. Come on, Fee.  You can DO this. Plucky heroine, for  goodness sake. Pluck up. SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL. FIONA What a scene. Artfully disheveled garden.  Overgrown and dried out fountain. Huge  mansion in exactly the proper state of  dilapidation. [tries to laugh] I should be  taking notes. SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON WOOD STAIRS FIONA [practicing] Mr. Malacard, I am such a big  fan of--No, I'm sure he hears THAT all  the- SOUND FOOTSTEPS SLOW DOWN, THEN STOP. FIONA [firm] Mr. Malacard. I have a proposition  for--Oh pooh! [ingratiating] Mr.  Malacard. How wonderful to finally meet- SOUND DOOR CREAKS OPEN. FIONA [gasp] MASON [spooky and unwelcoming] May I help you? FIONA [muttered] I bet you get a lot of these  roles. MASON Hmm? FIONA Sorry. Nothing. I would like to speak to  Mr. Malacard. MASON No. SOUND DOOR SLAMS SHUT. FIONA What? Aren't you supposed to say something  like [aping his voice] "I'm afraid Mr.  Malacard... isn't himself today." [normal  voice] and give me a chance to argue with  you? [pause] Huh? SOUND TWO FOOTSTEPS ON WOOD, THEN SHE SITS ON THE  STAIR WITH A CREAK. FIONA [calling over her shoulder] Very well,  then. I'm not leaving. I'll just sit here  until the spiderwebs grow up over me and I  become part of the set! SOUND BIRDS. FIONA [muttered] Or at least until I get up the  nerve to walk back to town. [sigh] Well,  it's kind of nice here, anyway. Peaceful.  [takes a couple of deep breaths] SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL APPROACH VICTOR [coming on mike] Can I help you? FIONA What? Oh! [noises, as she stands] Mr.  Mal--Wait. You can't be--I'm confused. VICTOR [chuckles] I look just like him, don't I?  I'm Victor Malacard the lesser. Call me  Vic. FIONA Fiona Cross. I'm so pleased! I'm a writer,  you see, and-15            VICTOR [cold] So sorry. Father doesn't give  interviews. FIONA Oh, no -I'm a screenwriter. I wrote a  wonderful script- VICTOR [perturbed] He doesn't act any more,  either. FIONA Does he let people finish their sentences? VICTOR [chuckling in spite of himself] All right.  Just point to me when it's my cue. FIONA [deep breath] I wrote a new version of The  House on the Peak, your father's  masterpiece, and I would very much like to  get it produced- FIONA --because I spent a lot of time on it, and  I know he would be flattered if he could  only read it, because, well, the original  was brilliant, but most people DO like sound  nowadays, and this would bring his work back  for more people to see, and if I could just  get his permission, I have a studio which is  VERY interested. VICTOR [pause] My turn? Then... all right. FIONA All right then, what? VICTOR Let me read it. I'll see if it's all you  say it is. FIONA But your father- VICTOR Is old and very ill -one reason I cannot  let anyone into the house. I have all the  authority necessary. I assume you brought your script? FIONA Oh, yes! SOUND SNAPS OPEN SHOULDERBAG, PULLS OUT SHEAF OF  PAPERS. FIONA Really, I'm a much better writer than I must  sound like, from the way I talk. I just get  really- SOUND A COUPLE OF PAGES FLIP VICTOR Come back in a couple of days. Saturday. FIONA Oh, no! I've heard that one before. It's  not so late, I'll wait while you read it.  [BEAT] Besides, I need to borrow your phone  to call a cab. VICTOR [cold] I'm afraid you're doomed to  disappointment on many levels, Miss Cross.  I refuse to read on demand, and you cannot  come in. FIONA But it's miles to the nearest- VICTOR You'd better start walking. I will see you  on Saturday. MUSIC TIME PASSES   SCENE 4 SOUND DOOR OPENS. CRACKLE OF WAXED PAPER. VICTOR [warning] I am not going to--[surprised]  What is that? FIONA Lunch. You're not going to what? VICTOR You brought - FIONA If there's one thing that Hollywood taught  me, it's come prepared for a siege. You're  lucky I didn't have time to make pastrami  and onion sandwiches, though they work a  whole lot better in an office. VICTOR Work... better? FIONA Nothing like the chance you might stink up  someone's office to motivate them to give  you five minutes. VICTOR [chuckles] FIONA Want some? VICTOR What? Oh, no -I've eaten. FIONA [snort] Hospital food, I bet -all bland and  toothless. It's always like that when  someone in the house is sick. VICTOR No, [sighs, then, resigned] no -if there's  one thing Mason makes certain of, it's that  the food is good. FIONA That your butler? Or is he some kind of  nurse? VICTOR Some kind... um, something. FIONA [bright, teasing] So, did you read it yet? VICTOR There's hardly been time- FIONA [Sweetly] Then why waste it talking to me? VICTOR [sad] It's not something I get to do very  often. Talking. To someone. FIONA Read the script, and I promise I'll come  back and talk up a storm. SOUND DISTANT THUNDER VICTOR [sigh, pause] Speaking of storms, it looks  like rain. If you need to walk back to  town, you'd best get started. FIONA I'm a farm girl. We're built tough. And  reasonably waterproof. VICTOR [chuckle ruefully] SOUND DOOR SHUTS. MUSIC TIME PASSES   SCENE 5 SOUND CRICKETS, NIGHT SOUNDS, RAIN [a beat] DOOR  OPENS VICTOR Tsk. Do you know what time it is? FIONA Judging from the position of the stars, what  little I can see of them -my watch says  about 9. VICTOR [a beat, then] I read it. FIONA [gasps, then tight] And? VICTOR It's brilliant. FIONA Really? VICTOR Here's your release. My lawyer can validate  it in the morning. FIONA Oh! I could kiss you [SHE DOES] VICTOR [shaken] I... Miss Cross...! FIONA Fiona. You know, you really do look like  your father. You're lucky. He was really  something, back in the day. It's those  eyes. VICTOR Yes, I... [with emphasis] He... SOUND CAR APPROACHES, STOPS. VICTOR What? Who the devil--? FIONA My cab. I arranged for it to pick me up at 9. Siege or not, I'm not sleeping on  anyone's doorstep but my own. Thanks again! SOUND RUNNING FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL. FIONA [off] ...and if you're ever in town...! VICTOR [yelling slightly] Of course...! SOUND CAR DOOR SLAMS SOUND HOUSE DOOR SQUEAKS OPEN. VICTOR [sadly to self] ...not. SOUND SLOW FOOTSTEPS ACROSS THE PORCH. MUSIC   SCENE 6 SOUND TENNIS, CROWD, IN BACKGROUND THROUGHOUT. MARGIE So, they loved it. Did you write yourself a  part? FIONA What? MARGIE Oh, come on-don't tell me you only aspire  to be the pen and not the face? FIONA I just enjoy writing. I'm in complete  control of the world. Everyone in my story  has to listen to me and do what I say. MARGIE But acting is where the fame is. FIONA Who wants fame? VOICE ON P.A. [filter] Number 33, Court 1 is open. MARGIE Are we getting close? SOUND RUSTLE OF PAPER FIONA Should be next. MARGIE So you're in it for the money? FIONA No... I guess... I'm in it to ... to see it  happen. MARGIE [pause] Are you explaining or should I order  another drink? FIONA I want to see things from my imagination up  there on the screen. I want to create  something that people will remember. MARGIE And you don't want to be famous or rich?  You're nuts. FIONA Rich would be OK, but famous just means you  never get away. That must be why Mr.  Malacard lives out in the country -to get  away from the craziness. MARGIE Craziness? In Hollywood? Perish the  thought! [pause] So, can I have your part? FIONA [laughs] There aren't really any good  female roles in the House on the Peak. MARGIE Will I sound hopelessly undereducated if I  admit I've never actually seen this fabulous  item? FIONA You never--? Where did you grow up, a cave?  I mean even in Piggottsville, it showed for  three whole nights -and then each year near  Halloween. I think the theater proprietress musta had a thing for Malacard. MARGIE Spare me the down home gossip and tell me  about this masterpiece. FIONA Well, it's sort of modeled on this story by  Edgar Allen Poe- MARGIE Didja have to get permission from him, too? FIONA Shush. He's been dead for -I dunno, a  century? Besides, it's not really the same  idea, just the tone. See, there's this guy  who goes home after his father's death, to  see his twin brother who he hasn't seen in  years- MARGIE Which one was your mysterious actor? FIONA Oh, Victor Malacard played both brothers.  It was groundbreaking at the time -using  cutaways and doubles- MARGIE Is this important? FIONA [chuckles] I guess not. But the brother  who'd been away was a man of the world, very  caught up in business, and the one who  stayed was a strange lonely man who talked  to himself- MARGIE [sarcastic] In a silent film, no less. FIONA [agreeing] Malacard was a genius. They've  got their eye on this new fellow -he was in  that film, "Laura"- MARGIE Stick to the point! FIONA Tsk. So it turns out the house is alive,  and must have a family member in residence  or it will die. But the one who stayed  would live forever, barring falling out of a  window, which is what'd happened to their  father. MARGIE Foul play? FIONA You got it -turns out one of the sons had  killed dear old dad to take his place as  head of the family, and live forever. MARGIE Was it the creepy one? VOICE ON P.A. [filter] Number 34, court 3 is open. SOUND GLASS PUT DOWN, BAGS SNATCHED UP FIONA I'll tell you whodunnit... but only if you  beat me. MUSIC   SCENE 7 SOUND CAR DOOR SLAMS. FEET ON GRAVEL. FEET SLOW DOWN. FIONA Oh. Hullo! SOUND CAB DRIVES AWAY VICTOR I heard you coming. FIONA Oh, and here I thought old Igor your butler  was a warlock or something. VICTOR Mason is a lot of things, but--[pause]  What's that? More scripts? FIONA No, silly. It's a picnic. VICTOR A what--? FIONA Pic. Nic. Food to eat outside so as not to  bother those inside whom shall not be named. VICTOR But, you- FIONA I promised I would talk up a storm, didn't  I? If Hollywood taught me one thing, it's  to keep my promises. VICTOR Well. [bemused, but pleased] Very well,  then. SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL. DOOR OPENS [OFF]. MASON [off] Sir? VICTOR [calling] Don't worry, I'll stay where you  can see me. MASON [off] Very good, sir. FIONA Wow, he sure keeps you on a short leash. VICTOR [deep with meaning] So true. FIONA Well, this looks good -and see, there's a  window right there where your keeper can  peep out and make sure nothing improper  happens. SOUND BLANKET SPREAD, THINGS BEING TAKEN OUT OF  PICNIC BASKET VICTOR [deep sigh] FIONA [sincere] I do understand. My gramma raised  me -she was from the old country, very wild  Irish, and hospitals would never, never do.  So when she took ill at the end, I had to  look after her. And the farm. Just the two  of us, right up til she passed. VICTOR So being tired of the sticks, you came right  out to Hollywood, no training wheels or  anything? FIONA Oh, I figure I'll go back someday -not to  the farm, but to the country. Being down  here -well, down there -is tough -there  are so many people everywhere. VICTOR Better than being lonely- FIONA You can be lonely in a crowd just as easy as  on a farm, and it's much noisier. The  crowd, I mean. VICTOR More material for your writing. FIONA I don't agree. I figure growing up pretty  much alone is why I have such a good  imagination. Keeping myself occupied,  making up folks to talk to. VICTOR [moving in romantically] And you enjoyed my  --my father's film so much that you decided  to put words to it? FIONA [slightly breathless] I... I didn't so much  write them as sort of translate what he  already said. VICTOR [deep and husky] And very well too. FIONA [gasp, deeply important] Before this goes  any further, I have to say something. VICTOR [snapping out of it] I--we--of course, we  shouldn't- FIONA Since the studio is picking up the cost of  lunch, we have to talk business. I hope you  don't mind. VICTOR [vastly relieved, deep breath] Of course.  Mm, that smells good. No pastrami and  onions? FIONA [laughing] No. [serious] See, the studio  wants to know if we can add a girl -a  romance -to the story. Seems everything  just has to have a love interest these days. VICTOR [sharp] A what? FIONA And a happy ending. They don't want- VICTOR No! Under no circumstances! They're not  going to ruin my--[through gritted teeth]  my... father's vision -with sentimental  claptrap. FIONA [teasing] Really? Sentimental claptrap is  all the rage nowadays. [change of tone,  satisfied] Good. That's what I thought,  but they won't listen to me. Business over. VICTOR But you- FIONA Oh, don't get me wrong, I like romance as  much as the next girl, but it would weaken  the drama. Try a taste of this. VICTOR Um, yes. [takes a bite] That's -mmm,  that's delicious. The drama, you say? Have  you been writing for very long? FIONA This is my first script. That I've  completed, anyway. I've got lots of ideas,  but this one just sort of made me finish it.  It's a bit of an obsession, I guess. VICTOR You should write more. It was very good.  [pause, then throaty] Maybe... romance...  next time. FIONA [oblivious] Maybe. I guess it's easier to  write what you know, though. VICTOR [still making his move] Really? No romance  on the horizon, no beau back home on the  farm? FIONA [reacting, almost breathless] No -no one.  I've ... never... not really, anyway... Oh.  [long indrawn breath, then a teasing  whisper] Your butler's watching us. VICTOR [breaks away] Blast! I can't even--!  [muttered growl] Look at him. [heavy sigh,  then businesslike] This has been very  pleasant, Miss Cross, but I must go- SOUND GETS UP, FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL, MOVING QUICKLY FIONA Hmph? SOUND BITING A CARROT MUSIC   SCENE 8 SOUND BUSY LUNCH COUNTER MARGIE So do you make a habit of scaring off men? FIONA Well -there was this boy back at Jefferson  junior high ... No, I'm teasing. I've  never had much of a chance to try -guess  I'm just a natural. MARGIE And he was circling in for the kill, ready  to land a knockout, when- FIONA The ref appeared and he threw in the towel.  You don't usually think of grown men as  needing a chaperone. MARGIE Maybe he's old fashioned and is trying to  look out for your reputation or something. FIONA Old fashioned I would buy. He's got this  courtly way about him...just like his  father, at least the way he was on the  screen. This sort of graceful way of moving  that expresses so much. MARGIE And what was he expressing just before the  bell rang to call the match? FIONA Well... [blushing] He wasn't afraid -I can  say that for sure. MUSIC   SCENE 9 SOUND CAR DRIVES AWAY, FEET ON GRAVEL VICTOR You found your way back? FIONA The picnic was to thank you. Now I'm  buttering you up in case I want to remake  another one of your father's films. VICTOR So what's in the bag this time? Dare I  guess? FIONA No, silly. It's a surprise. I figure, not  leaving the house much, you don't get to  have a lot of fun. VICTOR My... father- FIONA Exactly. So, I figured I'd bring the some  to you. VICTOR Fun? FIONA I remembered you had a swimming pool. VICTOR Pool? But--But there's no water- FIONA And swimsuits don't clank. SOUND CLANK OF SOMETHING METAL IN BAG VICTOR Then, what--? FIONA We-e-ell, can we go look at the pool? VICTOR Uh--yes? SOUND FEET ON GRASS FIONA I hope you don't mind my coming up here like  this. I'm just so exuberant. Or is that  the right word? VICTOR Well, you sound exuberant to me. FIONA Aha, the pool. Oh, good, it's nice and  clean. VICTOR Mason sees to the grounds as well as the  house. FIONA So, here. SOUND CLANK AS BAG IS SET DOWN, UNTYING OF KNOT VICTOR I--I'm intrigued. What do you have there? FIONA Keep in mind, I'm kind of unsophisticated,  here. Another girl might have brought  champagne or something. I hope this isn't  too disappointing. SOUND METAL CLANK VICTOR I can't even tell what those are -I see  metals and wheels, and- FIONA Silly, it's roller skates! MUSIC   SCENE 10 MARGIE Roller skates? You had a chance to romance  a bigwig, and you took him roller skates? FIONA The pool was perfect -I couldn't resist. MARGIE And the two of you rolled around the bottom  of the pool like children? FIONA More or less. Well, mostly me. He was a  bit too dignified to give it a fair shake. MARGIE But you didn't roll around like grownups? FIONA What? MARGIE Nothing. MUSIC   SCENE 11 SOUND CAR DRIVES AWAY, FEET ON GRAVEL FIONA Hello? [beat, then chuckles] Maybe he  didn't see me coming, for once? SOUND FOOTSTEPS IN LEAVES FIONA Hello? How tragic. A perfectly good cab  ride wasted. [worried] Maybe his father's  not doing well. SOUND DOOR OPENS MASON Miss? FIONA Oh, gosh -sorry! I guess I kind of  expected Vic to be around somewhere. He  usually is. MASON He's busy. Inside. [ominous] Would you  like to come in? FIONA Oh, Vic said it's- MASON It's no problem. Really. FIONA Sure. Thanks a lot. SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL FIONA I can always, go, you know. I don't want to  be a bother. MASON No bother. You're quite welcome here. SOUND FOOTSTEPS SLOW A BIT ON THE WOODEN STAIRS FIONA It'll be interesting to see inside. VICTOR [distant] Fiona? Is that you? SOUND RUNNING FEET APPROACH VICTOR [angry, worried] What's going on? Mason?  [beat] Fiona? FIONA Just looking for you. Mason said you might  be inside. VICTOR [angry hiss] Inside? Get out of here,  Fiona. Just go. We'll be talking about  this, Mason. SOUND FOOTSTEPS DOWN STAIRS INTO GRAVEL FIONA [puzzled] Victor? VICTOR [whispered] I don't want you going in and...  catching anything. Understand? FIONA All right. Um, sorry? VICTOR [cold] Goodbye. [up] Mason! MUSIC   SCENE 12 GEORGE [very serious] Thank you for coming in, Miss  Cross. We have a bit of a problem. FIONA You couldn't get that actor, Price? GEORGE More serious than that. [heavy pause]  Mr. Malacard. FIONA What happened? Is Vic's dad OK? GEORGE Sorry, I meant the son. He rang up  yesterday and said, well... said you've been  pestering him. FIONA [shocked] ...pestering? GEORGE Yes. He said he'll pull the permission for  the film if you bother him again. FIONA [nearly in tears] B-but... I--He never  said- GEORGE [fatherly] Just lay off, at least until the  film is finished. Once it's in  distribution, you can pester him all you  want. FIONA Oh! [sobbing] SOUND CHAIR SCRAPE, RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, DOOR BANGS  OPEN. MUSIC   SCENE 13 SOUND COCKTAIL LOUNGE, MANY ROWDY PEOPLE IN  BACKGROUND FIONA [very down] Pestering. That's what he  said. Apparently. Vic couldn't even tell  me to my face, [breaking down into tears] he  had to send it through- MARGIE There, there. [calls] Waiter! Bring  another one. [half whispered] A double. FIONA No. I really shouldn't. [moping again] I  guess I deserve it -he didn't say I could  come back, but... The picnic was NICE.  Everything was nice. He was nice. Real  nice. I thought. MARGIE They all seem nice -say, you didn't let him  ... have his wicked way with you, didja? FIONA What? No! [melting] I mean, he almost  kissed me at the picnic, but the butler was  watching. MARGIE That's it, then. The butler did it.  Probably threatened to quit or something.  Good help is a lot harder to find in this  town than pretty girls. [lecturing] Most  servants are just actors waiting to be  discovered -they're just not very good, or  they'd be able to act like servants. FIONA [almost a laugh] Hmph. MARGIE That's better. What you need is a night at  a dance hall -meet some nice guys, wear  yourself out, then you can sleep. I  promise, all you'll be worrying about in the  morning is your bunions. MUSIC   SCENE 14 SOUND PERSISTENT CITY NIGHT NOISES. SOUND PHONE RINGS, OFF [PAUSE] THEN POUNDING ON A  DOOR FIONA [waking] Yes? Mm-what? LANDLADY [very annoyed] Phone for you. MUSIC   SCENE 15 SOUND CAB PULLS UP, DOOR SLAMS, RUNNING FEET ON  GRAVEL FIONA [panting] SOUND FEET RUN UP WOOD STAIRS, POUNDING ON DOOR FIONA Hello? Hello? SOUND DOOR SWINGS OPEN MASON [very calm] Oh, good. Come in. FIONA Mason? What happened? You said it was an  emergency? SOUND FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CLOSES, FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE  UNDER MASON This way, miss. FIONA [getting more panicky] But, is Vic hurt?  Did his father...? What could he --what  could he want me here for? MASON Through here. SOUND DOOR OPENS MASON The master will be right in, Miss. SOUND DOOR SLAMS SHUT. FIONA [gasp, then yelling] You could at least  turn on a light! [to herself] Which  master? Maybe I'll finally- SOUND DOOR OPENS MASON [off] Just through here, sir. SOUND RELUCTANT FOOTSTEPS MASON [off, condescending] I think this will help  with your --mood, sir. VICTOR [coming on] I can't think of anything worth  getting me up in the middle of the--Fiona?  [truly upset] MASON [off, condescending] Now everything will be  better. FIONA Oh, Vic, I shouldn't have come. I'm so  sorry! Please don't- VICTOR Oh, no! No! FIONA But Mason called me. He said- VICTOR Mason! That filthy--!! SOUND DOOR SLAM CUTS HIM OFF FIONA What is it? VICTOR We must get you out of here! SOUND RUNNING FEET, POUNDING ON WINDOWS, TRYING TO  GET THEM TO OPEN FIONA I don't understand, Vic? VICTOR Blast it Fiona, help me. FIONA No. I want to know what's going on. VICTOR Is this one of those things Hollywood taught  you? Take a bad situation and make it  worse? FIONA No. Oh, here [grunt as she helps try and  push] I wasn't going to ... to not help.  I'm just confused. VICTOR [grunt, then angry noise] No use, they're  sealed. FIONA They are glass. There must be a chair or  something- VICTOR It's never that easy -trust me. This way.  Come on. SOUND RUNNING FEET, SLAM AGAINST CLOSED DOOR BOTH are getting BREATHLESS FIONA Locked! VICTOR Maybe down here! SOUND MORE RUNNING FOOTSTEPS FIONA Don't you know your own house? VICTOR [harsh laugh] Don't slow down. SOUND RUNNING, SCRAMBLE, RATTLE OF LOCKED DOOR FIONA Victor, wait! VICTOR No! I will NOT let him get you! SOUND POUNDING ON DOOR, BUT SLOWER VICTOR [sobs] I won't let IT! FIONA Victor. Breathe, Victor! VICTOR I'm so sorry, Fiona. I don't understand why  it brought you here. FIONA It? Oh! [dawning] Um, I guess everyone  agreed the story needed a bit of romance. VICTOR What? FIONA Your house. It's just like the film -or  close to it -isn't it? VICTOR How could you think--How could you know? FIONA I told you I have a good imagination. VICTOR But you- FIONA And you're the one and only Victor Malacard. VICTOR You're mad! I would have to be- FIONA Almost 60. I looked it up. And you don't  look a day over 35. Coincidentally, the age  you were when you went into seclusion. You  look like him, move like him -even the way  your lips move when you talk -not even  father and son can be THAT much alike. VICTOR It's... the house. FIONA And Mason? VICTOR Mason's not a... person. Just part of it.  The house. He... speaks for it. FIONA And watches over you. VICTOR Keeps me prisoner, you mean. [sadly] And  now, you too. Fiona, I am so dreadfully- FIONA Shh. [calling] Mason? I want to talk to  you -whatever you are. MASON [deep, on filter] Yes miss? VICTOR [yelling] You let her go, you wretch! FIONA Shh. Victor. It'll be fine. VICTOR No...! FIONA Yes. [SOUND -brief kiss] If there's one  thing I learned in Hollywood, it's there's  always room for negotiation. [calling,  sweetly] Mason? MUSIC, fades into-   SCENE 15 MUSIC 1960S BUBBLEGUM POP ON A TINNY RADIO,  DISTANT, WITH BIRDS AND OUTDOOR NOISES.   SOUND MOTORCYCLE APPROACHES, STOPS FIONA [coming on] Ah! Over here, Bobby! Oh! I  was expecting- ANDY Sorry! I'm Andy -Bobby retired. FIONA [chuckles] It's so hard to keep track.  Well, then, Andy. Do you have my packages? SOUND LOADING UP WITH PACKAGES AS HE SPEAKS ANDY Yup, packages from Woolworth's and Mays, a  big bundle of magazines, and here's one from  the studio -a film canister -gee do you  have your own theater? That's way out  there, man, I mean ma'am. FIONA [chuckles] Just leave everything on the  porch. The butler will see that it all gets  inside in one piece. And here's my latest  screenplay -hardly a fair trade, but an  easier trip, eh? Get it to George -no,  wait... I mean Harold, don't I? Harold  Mills is in production these days, right? SOUND SCRIPT CHANGES HANDS ANDY Umm... [working up to say something] So  you're Fiona Cross Malacard? The one who  wrote Trapped by Love? That was a groovy  flick, even if it is kind of ancient. FIONA Well, thank you, Andy. [chuckles] I guess. ANDY But you don't look--I mean, you're really  much--oh, criminee. I mean to say- FIONA You're trying not to say I must be older  than I look? ANDY Uh-huh. FIONA I'll take the compliment. I put it down to  clean country air, good healthy food... VICTOR [way off] Fiona? Was that the deliveries? FIONA ...and a wonderful husband. ANDY Having servants don't hurt neither, eh? FIONA [ironic] No -no, it don't. MUSIC TO END  

[mature language and violence] Roy Chambers, self-proclaimed "artist of junk" becomes suspicious about the intricate work of another sculptor. Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Roy Chambers - J.D. Lloyd Gwynneth Robinson Molly Tollefson Vivienne - Rhys TM Robert - Mr. Synyster Arturo - Philemon Vanderbeck Solange - Angela Kirby Penelope Cartwright - Kris Keppeler Hank Norton - Powers Chamber 19 Nocturne Theme:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) All other music by Professor Kliq (Creative Commons License) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Photo:   (courtesy of Stock Xchange.com) "What kind of a place is it?  Why it's an art gallery - can't you just smell the culture?" _________________________________________________________ FOR ART'S SAKE Cast: Announcer Cabbie Olivia Roy Chambers, artist of junk Gwynneth Robinson, gallery owner Robert [ro-BEAR], art critic Vivienne, art critic Arturo, sculptor Solange, a supermodel Hank Norton, grieving brother Penelope Cartwright, psychic Gordie, aspiring young critic OLIVIA      Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's an art gallery.  Can't you just smell the culture? SCENE 1 MUSIC - PRETENTIOUS GRUNGE/INDUSTRIAL, BUT LOW. AMBIANCE     LOW CROWD MUMBLE ROBERT and VIVIENNE sound bored and disinterested - very, very jaded intellectual.  They are sort of fencing with each other. ROBERT     It's so innovative, it's almost retro. VIVIENNE     Jejune, yet piquant. ROBERT     The raw power of the chain link simply draws the eye. VIVIENNE     The underlying metaphor behind the cracked concrete base is very telling. ROBERT     Trash cans have been overused this season. VIVIENNE     Which is precisely what this piece is trying to say.  It is a commentary on the current state of the art world. ROY     That it's all garbage? ROBERT     [snort of derision] Garbage?  Perhaps to the petty and feeble mind, incapable of looking beyond the component parts-- VIVIENNE     --this one would look at a forest and see trees. [ROBERT AND VIVIENNE chuckle.] ROY     Oh, I understand this piece just fine. ROBERT     Do you?  Do you really?  VIVIENNE     What, then, is this putty-like brown graffitti in its indecipherable scrawl? ROBERT     And that smell - it's almost visceral. ROY     It's crap. ROBERT     You'd best keep your voice down, dear fellow.  The artist is a good friend of dear Gwynneth, our host tonight, and I hear he's actually graced us with his presence. ROY     No- no.  It's actually feces.  The graffitti.  I'm Roy Chambers.  The artist? VIVIENNE     F-feces?  Excrement? ROY     Yup. VIVIENNE     B-but...  doesn't it ... lose pungency after a time? ROY     Of course.  I freshen it up every couple of days.  I hope you don't mind if I don't shake hands. A BEAT OF SHOCKED SILENCE, THEN ROBERT     Well, that does put a new [trailing off] face ...on ...it.  VIVIENNE     Oh, look, they've opened the champagne. SOUND     HURRIED FOOTSTEPS AWAY ROY     [chuckles] GWYNNETH     [sigh] Darling, you'll never sell anything if you keep telling people your work is shit. ROY     [laughs harder]  You know that's not the point.  I just love seeing the look in their eyes.  GWYNNETH     Well, you may have the luxury of not needing to make your way as an artist, but I still need-- ROY     I can always-- GWYNNETH     [indignant]  Write me a check?  Not on your life, handsome.  If I can't make it, I'll fail on my own two feet.  [softening]  But you can buy me dinner.  Again. ROY     [chuckling] I wasn't going to suggest charity - but since I seem to be the one losing you sales on my pieces, you could let me pay rent for the space-- GWYNNETH     I don't understand why you're so down on your art.  [serious] It's good Roy.  It's powerful.  I wouldn't have it in my gallery otherwise... [rowr] no matter how terrific you are in bed. ROY     It makes me uncomfortable, like I'm ... exposing myself. GWYNNETH     That's what makes it so strong-- SCENE 2 SOUND     A COMMOTION IN THE BACKGROUND - SOMEONE YELLING - GETS LOUDER AS GWYNNETH AND ROY APPROACH GWYNNETH     [muttering as she hustles] Oh, goodness, it's not the man enclosed in legos with his winkie hanging out again, is it? ROY     [right behind her] Maybe a critic's seeing eye dog got at the sculpture in baloney. GWYNNETH     Poor dog - that meat's been here a week. ROY     Either one. SOUND     COMMOTION HAS ENDED - JUST HEAVY BREATHING FROM A COUPLE OF GUYS GWYNNETH     [authoritative] What is going on? ARTURO     This ...person... was ...molesting... my statue. ROY     [muttered] Is it the baloney?  GWYNNETH     [muttered] No. ROY     [muttered] The winkie? GWYNNETH     [muttered] Shh.  ARTURO     I demand charges be filed. HANK     I was only-- ARTURO     No one cares what you were trying to do, you philistine! GWYNNETH     Arturo.  ARTURO     Luddite!  Peon! GWYNNETH     Arturo!  Please, calm down.  I promise I shall handle this personally.  ARTURO     [going off] Just make sure he keeps his filthy hands off my beautiful marbles. ROY     [muttered] Maybe his marbles should meet lego man's winkie. GWYNNETH     [trying not to laugh] Ahem.  Now, sir, I'm Miss Robinson - and this is my gallery.  And you are? HANK     [subdued, apologetic, aw shucks] Hank - Henry, that is - Norton. GWYNNETH     What were you doing, then? HANK     The statue - it looks like Lizzie - Elizabeth - my sister.  Just like her.  ROY     That not what she asked. HANK     Well, I was thinking it might be like that old movie where the guy kills people, puts them in plaster and gets famous for his art...  Lizzie's missing, ever since she wrote and said she had a job modeling for this guy.  So I wanted to... check and see... GWYNNETH     [gentle] I don't know the movie, Hank, but I'm pretty sure you can't put someone in marble the way you might with plaster.  It simply doesn't work that way. HANK     No? GWYNNETH     No. ROY     Hank, let's get us a glass of that champagne. GWYNNETH     [stage whisper] Thank you! SOUND     QUICK KISS SCENE 3 MUSIC      A LITTLE TIME PASSES SOUND     EXCITED COMMOTION, CAMERAS GWYNNETH     Oh, god, what is it this time? ROBERT     [in awe] It's Solange.  She's here! VIVIENNE     [going off] If I were only into women... ROBERT     [going off] Me too... GWYNNETH     [sigh, then clearly trying to convince herself] It's good.  Publicity.  I like supermodels. ROY     [coming on] Who--? GWYNNETH     Solange is the latest sensation.  So bloody skinny. ROY     Better keep her away from the baloney. GWYNNETH     [slightly venomous] It would do her good. ROY     I didn't mean her - just the dog. SOUND     FOOTSTEPS AND JINGLE OF DOG HARNESS APPROACH GWYNNETH     Solange, I am honored. SOLANGE     [strange accent] Ah?  Sorree, and you are? GWYNNETH     I'm Gwynneth Robinson.  This is my gallery.  We are truly-- SOLANGE     Where ees Arturo? GWYNNETH     Right over there.  SOLANGE     Take mee to heem, pleez.  SOUND     JINGLE OF DOG'S HARNESS, SCRABBLE OF CLAWS ON FLOOR. GWYNNETH     My pleasure.  My arm is just to your right.  Would you like something to drink?  [fading out]  Perhaps some water for your service animal? ROY     Is that the latest thing - blind models? VIVIENNE     'Differently abled' darling.  You could get sued -- ROBERT     Or at least censured. VIVIENNE     --for use of non-PC language. ROBERT     Besides, with a body like that, who cares if she can see?  And the dark glasses are her trademark - she's never seen without them. ROY     Hmm.  You two seem like just the type I need. VIVIENNE     I don't do threesomes. ROBERT     I do. ROY     No, no - not like that, but [buttering up] you really seem to be in the know... VIVIENNE     Of course. ROBERT     Pity. ROY     This Arturo guy - what can you tell me about him? VIVIENNE     Quid pro quo, dear friend - tell us about you first. ROY     Well...  It's brownie mix - the brown stuff. ROBERT     Re-e-e-eally...?  SCENE 4 MUSIC SOUND      CLUNK OF OVERHEAD LIGHTS GOING OFF GWYNNETH      [coming on, low and sultry]  So.  The lights are off.  The crowd is gone.  And the door is locked against the night.  You know what that means? ROY     Hmm? GWYNNETH      Come on, love.  I need some serious stress relief. ROY     In a moment. GWYNNETH      What is so fascinating about these things?  First that poor little man - now you? ROY     Have you really looked at them? GWYNNETH      Dearest, I don't really look at anything that goes in here, beyond deciding if I think it will sell.  That way lies sheer madness. ROY     How did legoman get in? GWYNNETH      Oh, that. [sigh] I'm still not certain about that one.  ROY     Anyway, these statues - I don't know anything about marble sculpting, but I would assume it's not the easiest thing in the world, even with modern technology. GWYNNETH      I suppose. ROY     Look at the detail here.  The clothes, hair  - rivets in the jeans, even.  Everything is exact.  Perfect. GWYNNETH      So he's anal.  Surely you're not thinking that Arturo whats-his-name has somehow immured people in marble. ROY     Nah.  But I can see Hank's point.  His sister's statue looks - almost alive.  And she's not happy about it. MUSIC SCENE 5 AMBIANCE      RESTAURANT GWYNNETH      Where were you?  I really could have used you at the gallery tonight. ROY     Why?  What happened? GWYNNETH      I asked you first. ROY     [sigh]  I-I was trying to find that artist - the one with the statues. GWYNNETH      And--? ROY     He's harder to track down than ... than me. GWYNNETH      [laughs] Perhaps he's another eccentric with more money than sense. ROY     Hey--!  I thought that was part of my charm. GWYNNETH      No.  I love you.  But I don't make any claim to understand you.  You don't even like your own art. ROY     [slightly uncomfortable] It just comes out that way.  SOUND     A MOMENT OF EATING GWYNNETH      [unpleasantly surprised]  Oh god! Don't look.  It's her.  Just act normal. ROY     What?  Who am I not looking at? GWYNNETH      The commotion.  I mean the woman who caused the- PENELOPE     [off]  Hello! ROY     I think she's seen you. GWYNNETH      Oh, god. ROY     Is there anything I should know before she gets here? GWYNNETH      I'm going to be a coward and duck out for the loo. ROY     About her, I mean.  [beat]  You've got a moment, the maitre d' has her in a headlock. GWYNNETH      [laugh] She claims to be a psychic and made a fuss over Arturo's marbles.  God, I'm seriously regretting ever taking them on. ROY     Why did you?  I mean, looking at his stuff, he could be showcased in the biggest gallery in town, and- [trails off uncertainly] GWYNNETH      Rather than a piddling little upstart like mine?  Oh, hell-  See you! SOUND     GETS UP FROM CHAIR, DASHES AWAY ROY     Chicken. PENELOPE     [slightly off] Miss Robinson! SOUND     CHAIR SCRAPES ROY     She'll be right back.  PENELOPE     [coming on] Oh.  I'm so sorry - I didn't mean to interrupt - are you - you're her beau, aren't you? ROY     I'm her boyfriend, yeah. SOUND     CHAIR SCRAPES, SHE SITS DOWN PENELOPE     I could tell the moment I really looked at you. ROY     [giving her nothing] Ah.  Well.  PENELOPE     Oh, I'm so sorry.  She probably mentioned me, I'm Penelope Cartwright. [confidential]  I'm a certified psychic. ROY     Oh.  Well. PENELOPE     Oh-ho!  I can tell you're a disbeliever, Mr. -? ROY     Don't you know?  You're the psychic. PENELOPE     [laughs]  It's not like that, handsome.  Well, sometimes it is.  Let me see, let me see.  Hmm.  I'm feeling the letter T.  Can I see your hands? ROY     [over-eager] T?  As in Thomas? PENELOPE     [pleased] Aha!  Your palm?  There.  You work with your hands, are you in construction? ROY     [noncommital] Mm. PENELOPE     But there's something else - your money line is a bit baffling.   Very strong - not what I usually see in someone doing manual work.  And something about cats... [Surprised as he snatches his hand away] What?? ROY     Look, Miss Cartwright. You've been right about one thing - and only one thing - I'm a skeptic.   PENELOPE     But, I-- ROY     But, nothing.  I think you'd better go before I feel like embarrassing you in front of Miss Robinson. PENELOPE     Please-- ROY     Go. PENELOPE     [beat]  Very well.  [intense]  But you need to hear this--  [before he can speak]  No!  I have to say it, and if you won't let me wait to tell her, then you have to hear it. ROY     Fine.  Whatever.  Quickly. PENELOPE     The statues - there's something very wrong with them - worse even than that painful installation near the front door with the brown stuff-  I just walked past, and they shouted to me - screamed for help - as if they were alive! ROY     Right. PENELOPE     You don't have to believe, but you must hear me.  I felt such evil in the presence of those poor dear things. ROY     [very sarcastic]  They're... evil statues? PENELOPE     Oh, no.  They're evil's victims. SCENE 6 MUSIC AMBIANCE     STREET GWYNNETH      I can't believe she would do that!  You're such a saint to put up with everything. ROY     Saint?  No.  Just amused by people.  Probably why I like the gallery scene - art folk are hilarious. GWYNNETH      Like Vivienne and Robert? ROY     Who? GWYNNETH      You were talking to them at the gallery last week - after that young man made the fuss over the statues. ROY     Oh.  Bert and Ernie. GWYNNETH      Vivienne IS a female.  I've known her for years. ROY     The way they dress, who could tell?  And who would care? GWYNNETH      Dare I ask what 'the statue whisperer' had to say? ROY     She said they were crying out for help, blah blah blah.  GWYNNETH      Oh, good, now we have two loonies who believe the statues are somehow alive. ROY     Oh, and she apparently hates my work too. GWYNNETH      [joking] Well.  Then she must be normal. MUSIC SCENE 7 SOUND     HEAVY DOOR OPENING ROY     [echoey] Hello? SOUND     ECHOEY FOOTSTEPS, SECOND HEAVY DOOR OPENING ROY     Hello?  I know you're in here. ARTURO     [distant sigh, then, off]  Come on, then - to the left. SOUND     HESITANT ECHOEY FOOTSTEPS, ANOTHER HEAVY DOOR ROY     Isn't it a bit dark in here for a studio? ARTURO     [still distant] You want light?  SOUND     LOUD RUSTLE OF CANVAS, as a heavy curtain swoops to the side. ROY     [reacts to sudden brightness] Jeez!  Good thing I'm not a vampire. ARTURO     [close] You come to steal my secrets? ROY     [jumps, then laughs]  Not my style.  I sculpt from garbage. ARTURO     [disdainful] Yes.  I have noticed.  So why? ROY     You interest me. ARTURO     I thought you were sleeping with our blonde gallery owner. ROY     Um, and you're seeing the supermodel. So? ARTURO     Not that kind of interest?  ROY     [reacts, then] Not very sociable, eh? ARTURO     Hmm.  Perhaps that is why my place here is unlisted and no one visits me.  You have explained a lot.  Feel free to leave. ROY     [beat]  I don't see any materials - working on anything? ARTURO     I am planning.  I don't sculpt here.  It is much too noisy. ROY     The sculpting? ARTURO     The city.  [beat]  And the work.  ROY     Your work is very detailed.  Do you model from life or photos? ARTURO     [a bit odd] From life.  ROY     How do you find your models? ARTURO     Anyone can be a model. [a bit threatening] Perhaps I should ... immortalize ... you? ROY     I'm not that cute. ARTURO     [uncomfortably close]  You don't see yourself clearly.  You're a perfect type - strong, but not silent.  Yet-- SOUND     CELLPHONE RINGS ROY     That's me.  Sorry.  SOUND     CELLPHONE ON ROY     'lo?  Yeah, I'm there now.  No, won't be long.  SOUND     CELLPHONE HANGS UP, TURNS OFF ROY     Sorry about that. ARTURO     [backed off]  Of course.  You are interested in my work - My next major project is a woman.  That is all you will know.  Now leave me. SCENE 8 MUSIC SOUND     DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS APPROACH, COMPUTER NOISES ROY     I've been doing some googling-- GWYNNETH      [slightly off] You don't even look up.  I could be anyone.  A serial killer? ROY     Reflection in the screen.  GWYNNETH      [close up] Oh, well, then.  [hug and kiss noise] So what have you been googling? ROY     Turning people to stone. GWYNNETH      [sigh] Oh god, not Arturo again? ROY     He creeped me out.  I'm not sure if he was about to kiss me or stab me.  And when he said his next project was a woman - all I could think about was that poor blind girl. GWYNNETH     Yes. [mock sympathy] Poor little skinny bitch blind supermodel. ROY     Right.  So, disregarding the E-L-O song, there are myths all over the place about people being turned to stone.  Gorgons, Basilisks-- GWYNNETH      Medusa-- ROY     --yeah, gorgons-- GWYNNETH      What? ROY     Medusa's a gorgon. Like Dracula's a vampire. GWYNNETH     Fine, so I slept through my classical education.  What have you come up with, then? ROY     Disregarding the mythological crap, then, there are a number of fictional stories dealing with it. GWYNNETH     Why disregard the mythical crap?  ROY     Right.  Have you seen any women wandering around New York with snakes for hair?  Or a giant lizard?  GWYNNETH     Hmm.  [shrug] It is New York.  So you lean towards fiction as being more reliable? ROY     When you put it that way... GWYNNETH     What's the front runner, then? ROY     [very serious] Some sort of alchemical process or machine  that changes flesh to stone.  [laughs]  But it's still nuts.  SOUND     LAST COUPLE OF KEYS BEING HIT GWYNNETH     If you're so creeped out by him, perhaps I should send him on his way. ROY     Nah.  GWYNNETH     Good.  He sells.  [teasing] Unlike some... ROY     Most of your art crowd creeps me out.   A little. GWYNNETH     And me--? ROY     Definitely.  [chuckle] Not. SOUND     SMOOCHING SCENE 9 MUSIC GWYNNETH     [talking on phone]  --shipped out first thing.  Crating and handling will be fairly expensive-- [some talk] --very heavy, yes.  SOUND     TAP ON DOOR, DOOR OPENS QUIETLY GWYNNETH     [covers phone, whispers] just a second.  [back to phone]  I'll email you the invoice, and that should go out this afternoon. SOUND     PHONE HANGS UP GWYNNETH     Can I help you? VIVIENNE     I hate to bother you, but-- [deep breath] GWYNNETH     Nonsense.  Have a seat. SOUND     CHAIR SHIFTS VIVIENNE     Could you perhaps see your way to telling me how to find that sculptor?  The one who does the truly amazing marble statues? GWYNNETH     [muttered] Not another one. VIVIENNE     Huh?  You see, Robert--  that fellow asked him to model, and being the narcissist that he is, he was entirely unable to refuse-- GWYNNETH     Oh.  Um, I might be able to-- VIVIENNE     I don't want to make any trouble, but his partner, you know, blames me-- SCENE A1 MUSIC AMBIANCE     NEW AGE MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY ROY     Hello? PENELOPE     [off, musical] Just a moment! SOUND     RATTLE OF BEAD CURTAIN, FOOTSTEPS PENELOPE     [over the top] Welcome to-- [tone change] oh, it's you.  Come to sneer? ROY     [soft laugh]  No.  I wanted to ask you a few questions. PENELOPE     You saw my sign - it's all entertainment. ROY     It also said this-- SOUND     SLAP OF MONEY ON TABLE ROY     --buys me an hour of your time. PENELOPE     [sigh] It's your dime.   SOUND     MONEY SNATCHED UP PENELOPE     One of many, if I recall your money line. ROY     I want to know what put you onto the statues.  Did a guy named Hank Norton hire you? PENELOPE     Hire?  You think I've been paid-- ROY     Were you? PENELOPE     [sigh]  Yeah, I really love making an ass of myself in public.  Tscha.  If I was that much of a masochist, I'd'a taken up mime.  You may not believe it, but I truly felt something in there.  ROY     Screaming? PENELOPE     It's not that specific.  I have to exaggerate - to translate - when I tell people about my "feelings."  They only want to believe things they can relate to.  I felt ... unease.  Fear.  [sigh]  A definite flavor of more than one mind.    ROY     You were in a crowded gallery. PENELOPE     More than one mind in distress.  Since then- [breaks off] ROY     Yes? PENELOPE     Can you do me a huge favor? ROY     Maybe. PENELOPE     Can you try to hold your laughter until you're back out on the street? ROY     I think so. PENELOPE     I've been having dreams. ROY     [snort] PENELOPE     [warning noise]  I couldn't move.  And I couldn't feel anything - but I could see. I could even hear.  And be afraid.  It was - fear was the biggest part of it.  [beat]  You seem to be with me so far-- ROY     Yes. PENELOPE     Well, here's where I'll lose you.  I don't usually feel things in words, but in flavors, and colors, and textures.  ROY     Like auras? PENELOPE     No.  It's - like with you, I taste brick and brown, and smell the tang of old wires. ROY     [uneasy] Whatever.  Get on with it. PENELOPE     The feeling in my dream - the flavor of it, if you will - was identical to what I felt at the gallery.  SCENE a2 MUSIC ROY     [off, calling]  Gwyn? VIVIENNE     [muffled] Eh? ROY     [coming on] Gwyn?  [muttered] Oh, it's Bert.  Or Ernie. VIVIENNE     Hmm?  She's out.  Asked me to run some numbers for her.  You didn't realize I have skills beyond those of mere mortal critics? ROY     [snarky] You'd have to. VIVIENNE     Look.  Maybe you can help me - Gwyn seems to put a lot of faith in you, despite your obvious attitude problems. ROY     [snort] VIVIENNE     Robert - you recall Robert?  Well, he's gone missing, ever since agreeing to model for Arturo, and I don't know what to-- ROY     He probably just went off with someone. VIVIENNE     He wouldn't-- ROY     And you're such a judge? VIVIENNE     I know Robert-- ROY     I thought he was into guys. VIVIENNE     [really mad]  That does not make him a slut who would run off without a word. ROY     [backing down a bit]  Ok, fine.  You know your friend.  But everyone has a dark side. VIVIENNE     True.  [quick, stabbing] Why do you hate yourself? ROY     What?  What are you, a shrink? VIVIENNE     There's a lot of psychology in art.  Your work says a great deal about you.  Self loathing fairly screams from every line. ROY     [still trying to brush her off, but with an edge] Maybe why it doesn't sell. VIVIENNE     I didn't say it wasn't brilliant - it is.  It's much too powerful for most people. They see what you show them, but don't know how to handle it. ROY     You should meet that psychic.  You'll get on like a house on fire. VIVIENNE     Marines? ROY     [sharp] What? VIVIENNE     Special forces?  You either saw action or spent a lot of time in prison.  You don't have the stance of an abused child. ROY     Look lady-- VIVIENNE     Or the tats of a career criminal-- ROY     Shut up! VIVIENNE     Those are the main ways to reach such a depth of hatred for yourself-- SOUND     A COUPLE OF QUICK FOOTSTEPS ROY     [close]  Is there a point to this? VIVIENNE     [not backing down]  I needed to show you I understand people.  You.  Gwynneth.  And Robert.  And he wouldn't go off and leave Gregoire without a word like that. ROY     Ok, I believe you.  Get the fuck out. VIVIENNE     First, tell me how to find Arturo.  If you don't care what happened to Robert, I do. ROY     What makes you think I know how to find him? [beat]  All right.  SOUND     SCRIBBLING, PAPER TEARS ROY     Here. SOUND     FOOTSTEPS RECEDE, THEN STOP VIVIENNE     [slightly off] She doesn't care, you know. ROY     [tries not to respond, then] What? VIVIENNE     Gwynneth.  She knows you, and for some reason she still loves you.  SCENE a3 MUSIC GWYNNETH     She really said--? ROY     [uncertain] She was full of it. GWYNNETH     Well, if that looney's psych-ee sense is right, and they are cursed, at least they're not my problem - all six of them have sold for huge amounts, and I've a list of commission requests as long as my arm to pass on to Arturo as soon as he gets back in contact. ROY     Have you checked out his so-called studio? GWYNNETH     He never told me where it is. ROY     I was there.  GWYNNETH     You beast! ROY     I guess I forgot to mention it.  Money does have some privileges.  SCENE a4 MUSIC SOUND     STEALTHY FEET. EVERYTHING ECHOES SLIGHTLY GWYNNETH     [whispered] This is madness. ROY     You're the one who spotted Vivienne's car.  GWYNNETH     Doesn't mean we needed to break in. ROY     It was unlocked.  No breaking.  SOUND     RUNNING FEET APPROACH, SLIGHTLY MUFFLED ROY      Stay back, someone's-- SOUND     FEET ARE CLEAR VIVIENNE     [panting, then gasps in muffled terror] SOUND      FEET COME TO AN ABRUPT STOP GWYNNETH     Viv? VIVIENNE     [gasping, trying to calm down]  We need to get out of here - call the police!  GWYNNETH     What?  Why? VIVIENNE     It's Robert!  A statue!  There's no way he could have carved so fast-- SOLANGE     [far off scream] VIVIENNE     [gasp] He's doing something terrible to her, too--! ROY     You get out of here - I'll see what I can do-- GWYNNETH     Yes, get going. SCENE a5 SOUND     FOOTSTEPS, DOOR ROY     [to Gwyn] You too. GWYNNETH     Nonsense.  You stop him, I'll help her-- SOUND     THEIR SNEAKING FOOTSTEPS ARTURO     [off, calling] You think you can get away?  Darling?  If you hide, it just makes me angry. GWYNNETH     We can at least see what's coming at us.  ROY     That's not always a good thing. SOUND     DISTANT DOOR IS FLUNG OPEN ARTURO     [off]  Here?  No? GWYNNETH     I plan to stare death in the face and spit in its-- SOLANGE     [off, whimper]  GWYNNETH     Shh!  Did you hear that? ROY     [moving off] Over here— SOUND     CUPBOARD DOOR OPENS SOLANGE     [gasp]  Who ees thees? GWYNNETH     It's all right.  We'll get you out.  Feel my hand? ROY     He's getting closer. GWYNNETH     I've got her.  Up you come. ROY     We need to move.  SOLANGE     Are wee neer zee door say ehkseet? GWYNNETH     Exit?  [looking around]  Oh, yes – there.   Come on. SOUND     CAREFUL FOOTSTEPS, DOOR QUIETLY OPENS, THEN  STARTS TO CLOSE BEHIND THEM GWYNNETH     Roy? ROY     Get her out of here.  I'm going to stop Arturo. GWYNNETH     Roy! SOUND     GRAB, RUSTLE, KISS ROY     Get clear. SOUND     DOOR SHUTS SCENE a6 SOUND      QUIET CAREFUL FOOTSTEPS ARTURO     [off, calling]  Come out, come out? SOUND     DOOR SLAMS OPEN, OFF SOUND     ROY'S FOOTSTEPS STOP ARTURO     [Getting closer]  There is no place to run to— SOUND     A's FOOTSTEPS APPROACH ARTURO     Don't make this any more difficult-- SOUND     SCUFFLE.  GRUNTS.  BODY FALLS ROY     [whispering, close, puffing a little]  Not difficult at all.  [chuckle] SOUND     HANDCUFFS RATCHET, SLAP SHUT ARTURO     [puffing, hard to breathe] And Solange? ROY     Out of your reach.  ARTURO     [wheezy evil chuckle]  In reach of your young lady, though. [laughs again] ROY     What?  ARTURO     Don't worry - you still can get away. ROY     [dawns on him] Shit!  SOUND     BODY DRAGS, DOOR OPENS ROY     [Grunt as he shoves Arturo into a closet] SCENE a7 SOUND     DOOR SLAMS, LOCKS, HURRIED FOOTSTEPS ROY     [edge of panic] Gwyn?  You here? GWYNNETH     [muffled gasp of pain, distant] SOUND      RUNNING FOOTSTEPS ROY     Where are you? SOLANGE     [off, too sweetly] Over heere.  SOUND     BANKS OF LIGHTS COME ON, ONE AT A TIME SOUND     FOOTSTEPS SLOW, CAUTIOUS ROY     You can't hide in the light— SOLANGE     [closer] I 'ave no weesh to.  I hwant you to see— GWYNNETH     [off] Roy!  Get out!  Get the police!  Don't— [breaks off with a long gasp] SOLANGE     [off] Are hyou zee hero?  Cohm and geet her.  Hyou might steel sehv her. SOUND     FOOTSTEPS STOP ROY      [very sotto]  Shit.  [up] I've got Arturo – let's make a trade. SOLANGE     Heez a tool.  I can find anozzer. ROY     What?  You--? SOLANGE     [disparaging] Zee great arteest.  A mere saylzman.  He is un‑eemportant.  Come out and aye weel no hert her more. GWYNNETH     [gasp]  Get out, Roy— [ends in a hiccup of pain] ROY     Gwyn, whatever you do, keep your eyes shut – can you do that? GWYNNETH     [fights to make an affirmative sound] SOLANGE     So you Zink you noh somezeeng?  Come clozer, man.  [kissing noise, like summoning a dog] I could reemov her eyeleedz, you know.  It is chust zo – barbareec. GWYNNETH     [High squeal] ROY     Why?  I mean, why do it?  What are you? SOLANGE     Stop moveeng!  Hwonce, we wayr feered and worshipp-ed.  GWYNNETH     [gaspy] So now you're a supermodel - what's the diff-- [gasp] SOLANGE     Hyou ask why I turn peepul to stone?  ROY     [muttered] Just a bit closer.  [up] Yeah, what's the deal? SOLANGE     Chust for the look on zayr face! [laughs merrily, then gasps] Ow! SOUND     SCUFFLE, THEN QUICK FEET SOLANGE     You Beech!  You BEET mee! GWYNNETH     Come on! SOUND      RUNNING FEET SOLANGE     [going off] You cannot geet away! SCENE a8 SOUND     FOOTSTEPS RUNNING MADLY, SLAM THROUGH SEVERAL SETS OF DOORS, FOOTSTEPS STOP BOTH     [breathing hard, Gwynneth gasping a bit in pain] ROY     Sorry.  GWYNNETH     Let's get out, then you can apologize all over me. ROY     [chuckle] SOUND     HIT BAR ON NEXT DOOR. IT WON'T MOVE. ROY     Shit! SOUND     POUNDING ON DOOR, TRYING TO MAKE IT OPEN SOUND     BEHIND THEM, A DISTANT SET OF DOORS SLAMS OPEN ROY     Shit!! GWYNNETH     What is it?  ROY     She's a gorgon – medusa.  That's why she always wears the shades-  Whatever you do, don't look in her eyes. SOUND     ANOTHER DISTANT SET OF DOORS SOUND     PUSHING ON THE NEAR DOOR. NO LUCK ROY     [almost giving up] shit. GWYNNETH     [strangely calm] We're trapped? ROY     She did it.  Just like this.  Hunted them down and caught them - no wonder they all look so damn scared. GWYNNETH     Well... [gasp] hold me?  At least that way, we end up a statue together. ROY     [chuckle dissolves into gasping sob] SOUND     LAST DOOR BUT ONE SLAMS OPEN.  FOOTSTEPS CAN BE HEARD COMING CLOSER ROY     [deep breath] Do you trust me? GWYNNETH      Of course.  I love you. ROY     I – I love you, too. GWYNNETH     I know.  I – SOUND     LAST DOOR SLAMS OPEN.  SLOW OMINOUS FOOTSTEPS, SLITHERY NOISES ACCOMPANY HER ARRIVAL GWYNNETH     [Scream of agony] SCENE a9 MUSIC AMBIANCE     GALLERY.  BUZZ.  MUSIC. GORDIE     Is that the owner?  Seems funny to run a gallery, being blind and all. VIVIENNE     [sounding older, wiser]  She trusts my judgment.  GORDIE     Was she born blind? VIVIENNE     Oh, no – there's a tragic story there. GORDIE     Do tell! VIVIENNE     Some years back, our dear hostess was madly in love – you've seen the statue in the corner near her office? GORDIE     That fabulous marble of the hunk?  Sylvester said it was the last piece Arturo ever sculpted. VIVIENNE     The – model – for that was the man she loved. GORDIE     [a little bitchy] Oh, how sweet, and she keeps it to remind her of him? VIVIENNE     He was the one who put her eyes out. END  

Gamers on their way to a convention run afoul of violent criminals on the run.  Can they use their "skillz" to survive? [warning - some violence, language, and mature situations] Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Abby - Beverly Poole Mark - Brian Lomatewama Justin - Mathias Rebne Morgan Brianna - Lyndsey Thomas Tyler - Michael Faigenblum Clark - Brandon O'Brien News Report - Gwendolyn Gieseke-Woodard Man - Bill Hollweg Music of DARKEST OF THE HILLSIDE THICKETS!  used with permission Show theme and Incidental Music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Recorded with the assistance of Ryan Hirst of Neohoodoo Studio Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a van on a road in the middle of nowhere, can't you tell?" _______________________________________ EXIT STRATEGY Cast: Mark - Game Master, in a wheelchair Abby - strategy girl Justin - the driver, Mark's brother Brianna - nurse, dating Tyler Tyler - wiry LARPer, dating Brianna Clark - a criminal Thug - another criminal SOUND     FOOTSTEPS OLIVIA      Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a car on a stretch of road in the middle of nowhere, can't you tell?  MUSIC SOUND      INSIDE CAR NOISES SOUND     Music plays on the radio SOUND     "BING" FROM THE DASHBOARD SOUND     Justin turns down the stereo JUSTIN     We're riding E.  [up] Eyes peeled for a gas station, everybody! MARK     Hey, Justin, remember when it used to be sooo cool to cross the state line? JUSTIN     Yeah - some things just lose their charm as you get older, little bro. MARK     And can drink legally in your own state... ABBY     Don't drink and game.  It dulls your edge. JUSTIN     You've got enough edge for all of us, Abby.  BRIANNA     [slightly off, giggles] I would too. TYLER     [slightly off] That is so great.  You are so great. ABBY     You do realize we can hear you? JUSTIN     Keep it clean back there.  I'll lose my damage deposit on the van if it comes back stained. BRIANNA     Ew!  We were just-- TYLER     [defiant] I was just telling Bree that if she ever got possessed by a demon, I would totally kill her. BRIANNA     [squeaky] Isn't that sweet? ABBY     [baffled] Yeah.  [whispered] What do you think brought on this declaration of undying love? JUSTIN     Tyler brought his DVD player.  I think they're watching Evil Dead. ABBY     Oh. [that explains it] MARK     You guys are all going to help with the "Super Five" tournament, right?  I can count on you? ABBY     Well-- MARK     Well? ABBY     [hesitant] I was checking, and the final round of the "AfterBlast" championship is in the same time slot. MARK     [excited] You really think you have a chance? ABBY     Hell yeah.  I plan to kick ass and take names.  MARK     That rocks.  JUSTIN     I-- I noticed you were the only - um - ABBY     Discernibly female? JUSTIN     Yeah, that - name on the semi-finals roster.  ABBY     Yup.  Time to represent. MUSIC JUSTIN     Pit stop! MARK     Man, you are this close to losing your deposit. JUSTIN     Shit.  Your chair's packed! BRIANNA     I got you, Mark.  SOUND     DOOR SLIDES OPEN, SHIFTING SOUNDS AS SHE GETS OUT SOUND     FRONT DOOR OPENS BRIANNA     Come on, then. TYLER     [teasing, going off] No groping my girl, now. MARK     Hey!  My hand slipped.  Once. BRIANNA     Girl. [snort]  I am a woman. [grunts as she gets Mark on her back]  OK, hold on.  Tyler, got the door? TYLER     [off] Getting it! SOUND     QUICK FOOTSTEPS ON CONCRETE SOUND     DOOR OPENS. MEN'S ROOM SOUND     FLUSH, STALL DOOR OPENS MAN     Hey!  You can't be in here! BRIANNA     Puh-lease.  I'm a nurse.  Almost.  [sarcastic] And you should get that looked at. MUSIC AMBIANCE     NIGHTTIME ROAD, VERY QUIET MUSIC VERY QUIET ON THE STEREO JUSTIN     [quiet] Hey Abby? ABBY     [quiet, tired] Hmm? JUSTIN     Just wanted to see if you're awake. ABBY     Really?  Nice of you to check. JUSTIN     Well... I'm not sure how much farther it is to the motel, and I was starting to fade a bit.  Help keep me on the road? ABBY     [half yawning] Sure.  What's on your mind? JUSTIN     Any chance you and I - you know - sometime? ABBY     [half a laugh]  I've sworn a blood oath not to date any man who can't beat me in a fair game of AfterBlast. JUSTIN     Really? ABBY     Something like that.  No offense, OK?  You're nice.  But we're kind of different worlds. JUSTIN     I used to game--  ABBY     Used to.  You traded in your dice for the corporate world. JUSTIN     It's not that bad-- [sudden change]  Whoah. ABBY     What? JUSTIN     Nothing.  Just - there's headlights behind us.  They weren't there a minute ago. ABBY     Must have come round a corner.  SOUND     CREAK, TURN ABBY     [turned to look] Hmm.  How fast are we going? JUSTIN     Why? ABBY     They're catching up.  Should I wake everybody? JUSTIN     Well...  if there's a crash, they're better off asleep.  Relaxed.  It's a fact - why drunks walk away more often-- ABBY     It's still coming.  Can we get off the road?  JUSTIN     There just isn't any place to go!  The ditches are ... gaping black chasms! ABBY     What's our speed? JUSTIN     Seventy.  So far. SOUND     GROWLING ROAR, GETTING CLOSER ABBY     How much can you push a minivan? JUSTIN     Don't know.  It's a rental. ABBY     All right. [thinking]  Turn off the headlights. JUSTIN     What?  ABBY      There's a good moon - the road is straight as far as I can see right now - can you hold the wheel straight while you're blinded? SOUND     ROARING REVVING APPROACHES JUSTIN      I... guess-- yes. SOUND     HEADLIGHTS TURN OFF JUSTIN     [heavy breathing] ABBY     Once our eyes adjust, we can look for a turnoff - in the dark, with the headlights, we won't see it until it's too late.  JUSTIN     Does that work? ABBY     I don't know.  Yes!  There, to the left, a road. JUSTIN     We're going too fast! ABBY     Start the turn early, and run in at an angle.  It should work.  MARK     [half asleep] Yeah, the roll factors are considerably less-- JUSTIN     Roll factors? MARK     "Street Wars," core manual.  The turn gauge modifiers. JUSTIN     Whatever, here we go! SOUND     SCREECH MUSIC AMBIANCE     OUTSIDE SOUND     TICKING OF THE ENGINE MARK     I'm suitably impressed. JUSTIN     Thanks.  Me too. ABBY     It worked! JUSTIN     A flat tire-- ABBY     Just one. MARK     --is not bad, all things considered. ABBY     [encouraging] Besides you missed the ditch, and the car didn't even flip. MUSIC SOUND     ON THE ROAD AGAIN TYLER     Doesn't this whole thing remind anyone of a movie? JUSTIN     Movie?  What, Texas Chainsaw Massacre? ABBY     Wo!  We do have the right carload for leatherface. MARK     Hey, Justin, don't pick up any strangers, kay?  I don't wanna be the first to die. TYLER     No....  OK, think.  A brother and sister in a car, in the middle of nowhere-- BRIANNA     [helping] In the middle of the day-- TYLER     Run off the road by a huge spooky truck--?  Hmm? MARK     That wasn't a truck.  ABBY     It wasn't? MARK     While you guys were watching the road, I watched it go by - It was big and square-- TYLER     A truck. MARK     No.  Better than that - I saw words on the side. BRIANNA     A truck? MARK     [sigh] Nope.  I must have made a perfect success on my perception roll, though - it was an armored car.  JUSTIN     In the middle of the night?  In the middle of nowhere? ABBY     Radio.  There must be something. SOUND     RADIO ON, SURF CHANNELS, STOP ON AN AD MARK     I like N-P-R. ABBY     News channel, bub. [Moment just listening.] JUSTIN     OK, enough with the ads - give us some news. TYLER     If this was a movie, the minute we switched over, the news bulletin would come on right then.  Cheesy, eh? BRIANNA     It's just a genre convention - a way of condensing all this boring time spent listening to-- JUSTIN     Shh. SOUND     TURNS VOLUME UP NEWS     ...the third armored car hijacking this year, and the second one with fatalities.  Three security guards were injured in the attack-- JUSTIN     Wow.  We should call someone. ABBY     Already on it.  SOUND     CELL PHONE BEEPS ABBY     Damn.  No reception. NEWS     --two are in critical condition.  Pursuers lost the car in a high speed chase when the hijackers realized they were being tracked and dumped the onboard GPS at the side of the road.  JUSTIN     Well, the motel must be close.  They'll have a phone. NEWS     Police believe that one of the hijackers may have been injured in the attack... SOUND      CLICK RADIO OFF - no music here MARK      I thought we were supposed to reach it by ten? JUSTIN     Well, with all you small bladdered people, we had a lot more potty breaks than I allowed for.  And, o'course, getting run off the road...  Changing the tire... TYLER     There was that. BRIANNA     Think your Uncle Joey'll give us a discount for coming in so late - half the night, half price? TYLER     I'll ask him.  [yawns] In the morning, though. MUSIC SOUND     CAR, SNORING FROM ALL BUT JUSTIN SOUND     BUMP, THEN CAR PULLS TO A STOP JUSTIN     [trying to stay awake noise]  Holy crap, I think we're here. ABBY     [waking]  Mmm?  Oh good... JUSTIN     One moment and I'll go and check in... ABBY     No, I'll get it.  Gotta pee anyway.  Small bladder.  [yawns] All that. JUSTIN     [receding] I didn't mean.... SOUND     CAR DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS SOUND     FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL, DOOR, BELL JINGLES ABBY     Hello?  Hello?  SOUND     RINGS DESK BELL SOUND     DOOR OPENS SOMEWHERE ABBY     [calling]  Look, I'm sorry to be coming in so late!  We had car trouble.  Can we get a room?  [beat]  Hello?  SOUND     FLUSH OF A TOILET ABBY     [needs to pee] Oh, jeez.  [deep shaky breath]  Hello? SOUND     DOOR OPENS CLARK     Hey.  Sorry about that.  I was catching a few.  You want a room? ABBY     Yeah, my friends and I - if you have a room with a couple of queens, we'll be fine. CLARK     Uh, sure.  Probably.  [looking around]  Nobody really here, tonight. ABBY     Could we have the one out on the end, then? CLARK     Don't see why not... um... ABBY     Says here it's room 14. CLARK     There you go.  [unconvincing laugh] So tired my eyes won't focus. SOUND     KEY SLAPPED ON TABLE ABBY     How much? CLARK     Oh, pay when you leave.  ABBY     Hmm.  Are you Joey? CLARK     Joey who? ABBY     [sharp intake of breath, then faking being ditzy]  Sorry - you look a lot like the cousin of a friend of mine.  CLARK     I get that a lot. SOUND     FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPENS ABBY     Oh, can I use your bathroom?  It's kind of an emergency. CLARK     [too sharp] No!  I  mean, sorry - no can do.  Absolutely against policy.  Too bad you didn't get a room closer in, eh? ABBY     [flat, suspicious] Yeah. SOUND     DOOR SHUTS, JINGLE MUSIC SOUND     HOTEL ROOM DOOR SHUTS, FEET STUMBLE AROUND, BAGS DOWN, ETC. SOUND     BODY FLOPS ONTO BED JUSTIN     I am dead.  As driver, I call a bed.  SOUND     WHEELCHAIR ROLLS MARK     I'm with you.  SOUND     FLUSH BRIANNA     I suppose Abby and I should share the... other...? I thought she said the room would have two beds? SOUND      DOOR OPENS ABBY     That clerk didn't know his ass from a hole in the ground.  Did you park right next to the door Justin? JUSTIN     [half moan] Yes.  Why? ABBY     I have a bad feeling about all this.  TYLER     Any chance it has something to do with all the spooky movie talk in the car? BRIANNA     And the guy who ran us off the road? ABBY     Maybe.  JUSTIN     Well, unless you're ready to drive - and pay for the extra insurance - We're not moving from this spot until I wake up. ABBY     But the clerk - there was something wrong there.  Really.  God, for a chance at a spot hidden roll. MARK     [more awake] Describe him. BRIANNA     [groans]  Come on - it's beddy-bye time! MARK     Abby's got good instincts, Bree.  You know how hard it is for me to fool her. ABBY     That's just in game.  I'm not-- JUSTIN     [half asleep, but trying]  But you are the only girl-- BRIANNA     [half-hearted] Woman. JUSTIN     --to make it into the ... strategic final thingee-- ABBY     Ok.  Shit I'm tired.  [long deep thinking breath]  He wouldn't let me use the bathroom.  He didn't try and hit on me.  Didn't know which number room was the one on the end.  Didn't ask how many "we" were.  Didn't know which rooms have queen beds.  Didn't ask for a credit card. TYLER     So? He's dead tired too.  Big whoop.  It's [looks] 2 freaking 55 in the morning. MARK     Jeez, folks, we've had sessions which went long past 3!  What's wrong with you? JUSTIN     [muttered into the pillow]  Getting old. MARK     Yeah.  You 25-year old over the hill codger, you.  Abby, what would you do now?  ABBY     What? MARK     This is the scenario.  Right here.  What would you do? TYLER     Sleep. BRIANNA     Seconded. JUSTIN     [Snoring] MARK     Assume it's unlikely we can drive out of here - at least not conveniently.  How would you secure the room? ABBY      [perking up]  We could set watches-- TYLER     [mumbled] Screw you! ABBY     I can't watch all night.  Adrenaline is only good for so long. MARK     That guy struck you that bad? ABBY     Yeah.  I'm probably just-- MARK     Let's assume otherwise.  We have a map - of sorts - on the door there.  Take a look. ABBY     I - well, I got the room on the end, since we'd have a better chance of seeing or hearing anyone coming.  MARK     [chuckles] ABBY     I can't help it.  I'm already in strategy mode.  Ok, the room has windows at the front and back and a bathroom that abuts the next room.  No windows in the end wall.  If we could keep an eye either side-- SOUND     FEET ON CARPET, CURTAIN PULLED ASIDE, THEN WHIPPED BACK INTO PLACE. ABBY     Oh, shit. MARK     What? ABBY     God, I hope no one saw the light.  MARK     I'll turn it off.  Let them think we're asleep.  SOUND     CLICK OF SWITCH MARK     Now? ABBY     It's the truck - car - whatever!    The one that almost ran us off the road! MARK     [gasps]  Are you sure? ABBY     Come and look! MARK     I believe you.  We need everyone if this is a real situation.  Shit. ABBY     There's woods - cover - right out back.  If Tyler was up, he could go look. MARK     He's not going to be up any time soon. ABBY     I know what will-- I'm going to take a chance and get my other bag from the car.  I'll see what I can see.  MARK     I'll try the phone-- ABBY     No! MARK     Why? ABBY     Switchboard - I saw a switchboard in the office.  MARK     Shit.  Major "notice," though.  Good one. SOUND     DOOR OPENS MARK     Abby? ABBY     I'll be careful. MARK     [encouraging] I'm glad it's you. SOUND     DOOR SOFTLY CLOSES MARK      Shit.  SOUND     A moment of just snoring MUSIC      CREEPS IN, JUST A BIT MARK     [snorty, "almost fell asleep" noise]  Abby?  What time--?  Shit.  SOUND     WHEELCHAIR SHIFTS MARK     [urgent hiss] Justin!  Wake up, dammit! JUSTIN     Wha--? MARK     Wake Up! SOUND     DOOR OPENS QUICKLY, FEET COME IN, DOOR SHUTS AGAIN MARK     God!  You nearly gave me a heart attack! ABBY     Sorry - I spotted someone out in the parking lot, just after I got in the van, and I didn't want to move again until it was clear.  JUSTIN     [almost awake] What's going on? ABBY     I'll get Tyler up. MARK     Go for it.  I doubt you'll have much luck. ABBY     Ah, but I have a secret weapon - I always pack a sixer with me to gaming cons.  SOUND     SLOSHING OF LIQUID MARK     [almost drooling] Energy shots. ABBY     Un-huh.  It may take a minute or two, but we'll get everyone up and running. MUSIC TYLER     All you had to do was shout "Bob! Bob is coming!" and I woulda been up and running without the taste of ass - Bob was the demon in the larp last weekend, and man was he-- MARK     Shush.  EVERYONE     [Murmurs of assent] MARK     Let's assume this is not a drill. EVERYONE     [a bit undecided murmurs] ABBY     I know there's something odd here.  I feel it. JUSTIN     Are you sure you're not just jittery about the tourney? ABBY     Probably am, but that doesn't make me think I'm wrong. BRIANNA     [Still groggy] What do you want us to do? MARK     Tyler, are you up for something that could be really dangerous? TYLER     Hell yeah. BRIANNA     [cautioning] Tyler? TYLER     Well, how dangerous? MARK     Abby? ABBY     Out the back window of the room, I think I saw that armored car that nearly ran us down.  It's parked in a dark spot.  If it's really the one, and there's any chance it's the same one that was stolen, there's a good chance we've walked in on a den of thieves.  We need to know.  Can you get within range of it and have a look? TYLER      Gimme a second. SOUND     FEET. CURTAIN MOVES BRIANNA     When you say "really dangerous"--? MARK     They already killed a couple of guys during the holdup.  I can't see them hesitating at shooting a few more bystanders. BRIANNA     Tyler? ABBY     Bree, I've Larped with him, and if anyone can really sneak, it's Folemon. BRIANNA     But that's his character! ABBY     In live action games, there are things you either can do or you can't, and sneaking is‑‑ TYLER     [voice slightly different - "in character" as Folemon]  I spy the brigands' carriage.  I will hence and reconnoiter. BRIANNA     Be careful. TYLER     Fair maiden, with you to return to, I cannot fail.  [kiss on hand]  Douse the lanterns, lest my shadow betray me! MUSIC SOUND     LIGHT TAPPING NOISE, WHICH GOES ON THROUGHOUT JUSTIN     What are you doing? ABBY     What does it look like?  I'm checking for trap doors. JUSTIN     You're joking. BRIANNA     Didn't you see that movie Vacancy?  There was a trapdoor in the bathroom floor.  ABBY     That was so annoying.  They were so stupid about that. JUSTIN     About what? ABBY     Did you see the movie? JUSTIN     Well, no. ABBY     They could have easily blocked the hatch.  But they didn't and ended up fighting guys popping up out of it. BRIANNA     They couldn't block it - they tried.  There wasn't any heavy furniture. ABBY     [derisive laugh]  What do you call this? SOUND     DULL THUMP JUSTIN     A mattress. ABBY     Have you ever had to move one?  From a dead lift?  And if that's not enough, the trapdoor was right next to the tub - you just soak the damn thing and no one - not even Schwarzenegger-- BRIANNA     Well, back in his prime-- ABBY     Is going to be able to shift it. JUSTIN     You ...actually ...thought about this? ABBY     [matter of fact] It's what I do.  SOUND     KNOCKING BRIANNA     Lights out - it's the door.  SOUND     SCUFFLE OF MOVEMENT BRIANNA     Tyler? ABBY     Folemon! TYLER     [muffled] I return triumphant! SOUND     DOOR OPENS AND QUICKLY SHUTS AGAIN, LOCKS TYLER     And, I have a prize! SOUND     TAP ON SOMETHING METAL SOUND     LIGHT CLICKS ON JUSTIN     What the--? MARK     No, that's good.  If we can get to the authorities, we can prove we saw the damn thing. JUSTIN     You coulda taken a picture - you think they're not going to notice a missing license plate? TYLER     [chuckling, full of himself] I think they'll have other things on their mind. ABBY     Oh, god, what did you do? TYLER     I had my thieves tool handy-- JUSTIN     What? BRIANNA     Pocketknife. TYLER     So I hobbled their horses. ABBY     We need to go now. JUSTIN      You did what? BRIANNA     He let the air out of their tires.  Tyler, sweetie, speak English so I can stop translating. TYLER     Hey, what?  They won't be able to come after us-- ABBY     But they will know someone was spying on their truck.  They might not notice the plate, but--  aagh! TYLER     I was... um... in the zone?  My character would have-- MARK     Understandable.  Let's deal with it.  Were there any other cars out there? TYLER     Not out back.  MARK     Justin? JUSTIN     What? MARK     Any other cars out front? JUSTIN     I didn’t notice.  Sorry. MARK     See what happens when you give up gaming?  You lose your edge.  You remember anything Abby? ABBY     Not in the parking lot.  I can take a look. MARK     Hold off.  What do we have for weapons, if it comes to that? JUSTIN     Jack Shit. ABBY     Torchiere for a club.  BRIANNA     No - no heft. ABBY     We can wire the doorknob as a last resort - give someone a bitch of a shock. TYLER     Shh! [They all do.] SOUND     SLIGHT CRUNCH, MIGHT BE FOOT ON GRAVEL MARK     Posts. SOUND     VERY QUIET MOVEMENT ABBY     Uh-uh. BRIANNA     shit. MARK     The front? BRIANNA     Movement. ABBY     Window?  Door?  BRIANNA     Distraction.  [starts moaning, loudly - very sexy] ABBY     Stay out the way of the window.  BRIANNA     Uhh!  [whispered] Watching. [Up] Ohh! TYLER     [joins in] JUSTIN     You won't be able to hear-- ABBY     Neither will they! SOUND     WINDOW SLIDES OPEN WITH A PROTESTING SQUEAL ABBY     Shit.  If we're going out this way, we're doing it sharp and hard. MARK     Out front? TYLER     [still groaning] BRIANNA     Someone's right outside.  Ohh! Just a shadow.  Ohh!  Peeping or about to try something.  Ohh! JUSTIN     This is insane.  This does not happen in real life. MARK     Look, bro- you can play along, and worst that happens is you look like an idiot with the rest of us, or you keep saying it can't be real and maybe take a bullet.  Why not play along? JUSTIN      Shit.  What do you need me to do?  I am not joining that party. [Moans continue intermittently] MARK     Can you see what's at the top of the closet? Usually if there's access to an attic space, that's where it would be. JUSTIN     Sure. MARK     And you're tall enough. JUSTIN     No problem.  [suddenly serious] If this is some psycho situation, you know I won't let anyone get you, right, bro? MARK     Shithead.  Get everyone else out first!  I'm the burden - now get in the damn closet. SOUND     CLOSET DOOR OPENS ABBY     You're not a burden.  MARK     Physically, I'm a drag on the party. ABBY     Mentally, you're the only one keeping us together.  So you can just shut up. MARK     OK, shutting. BRIANNA     He's making a move. MARK     Shit.  SOUND     KNOCK ON THE DOOR BRIANNA     [loud] Ooh!  Oh, shit!  Huh? TYLER     [loud] What the fuck? MARK     Abby?  Where are we? ABBY     Tyler, get behind the door. Ready to slam it if you gotta. TYLER     Check. SOUND     KNOCK AGAIN ABBY     Brianna, the torchiere, stay below the window, trip anyone coming in. BRIANNA     On it. SOUND      KNOCKING INSISTENT ABBY     [trying to make up her mind] Door - wall - wall - door.  Shit! [deep breath, then calling out] What? SOUND     SHIFTING FURNITURE CLARK     You all right in there? ABBY     What? CLARK     I heard a noise. JUSTIN     [whispered] See?  Normal. ABBY     No.  At the very least, he's peeping.  No way he'd hear anything from the office.  [up]  Everything's fine.  We were watching a movie.  MARK     Good one. JUSTIN     Oh, this is idiotic. SOUND     WALKS, UNLOCKS AND FLINGS OPEN DOOR TYLER     Hey! ABBY     No! SOUND     GUNSHOT, BODY DROP JUSTIN     [screams in pain] SOUND     DOOR SLAMS CLARK     [screams in pain] ABBY     Bree, can you get the lock, without getting in front of the door - it's crap, but-- BRIANNA     Done.  Justin - is he--? SOUND     LOCK FUMBLED SHUT JUSTIN     [sounds more annoyed than hurt] I'm shot. ABBY     At least now we know it's not a drill.  SOUND     GUNSHOT, WINDOW SHATTERS ABBY     Down! SOUND     BODIES FALL, WHEELCHAIR RATTLES AND TIPS MARK     Get him.  I'll cover Justin. SOUND     CAUTIOUS STEP ON BROKEN GLASS ABBY     [scream, distracting him] SOUND     FEET TURN ON THE GLASS, GUNSHOT ABBY     Bree! BRIANNA     Yaaaah!  SOUND     THUMP - BODY DROPS CLARK     Yowtch! ABBY     Sit on that bastard.  Tyler, check for backup? SOUND     HEAVY CRUNCH ON GLASS CLARK     [Whimper] TYLER     On it. SOUND     CAR STARTING TYLER     Oh shit - he's in for a surprise.  Front's clear. JUSTIN     You seem to all be ignoring the fact that I've been shot. MARK     I've been applying pressure. JUSTIN     To my mouth. MARK     oh, yeah, I was supposed to be stopping the part that got shot, not the part that shot off, right. ABBY     Brianna, swap - you take a look at Justin, see if we can move him.  I'll hold down the ...fort. TYLER     Fart. [Snickers all around.] CLARK     [Moans, then grunts when Abby turns him over] SOUND     CRACKLE OF GLASS UNDER HIS BODY ABBY     Need something to tie him with.  TYLER     Gotcha.  Thieves tools to the rescue again. SOUND     RIPPING FABRIC - GOES ON FOR A WHILE BRIANNA     Tyler, toss me your flint and steel. SOUND     CATCH, THEN FLASHLIGHT COMES ON BRIANNA     Looks superficial.  I was hoping I knocked you down quickly enough, but I wasn't sure. JUSTIN     I've been shot. BRIANNA     Yes, but not badly.  I'll bandage it in a second. TYLER     Here's your fifty feet of rope... ABBY     Check the back? TYLER     I am fleet enough to be in all places at once. SOUND     ENGINE STOPS TYLER     Oh. ABBY     [grunts as she ties a knot]  OK, shithead.  Talk. CLARK     What? ABBY     Well, we have your gun.  And a pocketknife.  You want to choose which one I do you over with? CLARK     What?  I was just-- ABBY     Shooting in through our door? CLARK     I thought you were - TYLER     Shut up. ABBY     No, let him talk.  I want to hear this. CLARK     Nothing. ABBY     Oh, well.  How many friends you got out there? CLARK     None. ABBY     So that's Christine out back?  Or are you Knight Rider? CLARK     Ow!  No - No!  Stop! JUSTIN     Let me.  I'm the one he shot. CLARK     No!  There's just the two - and B-Ball's shot. ABBY     Anyone else? JUSTIN     Is this what you were doing? CLARK     OWWW!  No, no one! ABBY     What about the real clerk? CLARK     Oh - um - ABBY     Right.  We need to dump this guy somewhere. TYLER     Out back?  ABBY     Chances are, we can get out the front. JUSTIN     Chances?  I don't want-- ABBY     No worries.  Tyler - eyes on the back until I signal, OK? TYLER      Sure thing. BRIANNA     What now? ABBY     We do what we have to do.  Mark, you ready to take a chance? MUSIC SOUND     OUTSIDE - DOOR OPENS SOUND     WHEELCHAIR BUMPS NOISILY OUT THE DOOR ABBY     No shots.  Good.  We're moving out.  Justin, you're behind me and the chair - get your ass into the car and start it.  We'll pile in, peel out, and worry about belts and seats later. JUSTIN     Are you sure this is safe? ABBY     Nope.  Tyler?  Got the rear? TYLER     Got it. ABBY      Bree, you're first in.  I'll cover you. SOUND     GUN CLICKS READY BRIANNA     Check.  Hold tight! SOUND     WHEELCHAIR GRINDS ALONG THE GROUND TYLER     He's coming!  ABBY     Everyone - Move!  Justin - get it in gear! JUSTIN      Yeah... SOUND     JINGLE OF KEYS, THEY DROP TO THE GROUND JUSTIN     Shit! ABBY     Dammit!  Bree, get your ass to the other side of the car! SOUND     HEAVY FEET RUNNING ON GRAVEL TYLER     I'll-- SOUND     GUNSHOT ABBY     You'll go.  Move it.  I'll cover you.  [solemn] Don't fumble the keys. TYLER     I won't. SOUND     RUNNING FEET TAKE OFF ACROSS THE GRAVEL, snatch up the keys. SOUND     GUNSHOT ABBY     [Gasps as she shoots]  Damn, that's a kick. SOUND     GUNSHOT SOUND     CAR DOOR OPENS ABBY     Yessss! SOUND     ABBY SHOOTS SOUND     SIDE DOOR SLIDES OPEN ABBY     [yelling] Stop shooting at the crip, you scumbag!  You'll be sorry! SOUND     WHEELCHAIR MOVES SLOWLY, ODD FOOTSTEPS AS ABBY CROUCHES BEHIND IT ABBY     Nice to have friends, isn't it? SOUND     GUNSHOT ABBY     [yelling] You really should stop that!  THUG     [evil laugh] ABBY     I told him. TYLER     Come on! ABBY     Bye-bye SOUND     WHEELCHAIR PUSHED, ROLLS SOUND     GUNSHOT SOUND     GRUNT OF PAIN [CLARK] SOUND     RUNNING FEET SOUND     CAR REVVING SOUND     JUMP SOUND     GUNSHOT, PINGS OFF METAL OF CAR TYLER     [grunting to pull her in] Come on! SOUND     CAR MOVES, FEET DRAG BRIANNA     Here. SOUND     GRAB, DRAG ABBY     [grunting] SOUND     DOOR SLAMS SOUND     TIRES SPIN IN GRAVEL, CAR ZOOMS OFF ABBY     [sigh] OK, whose lap am I in? MARK     Mine.  Sorry about that. ABBY     Hey, we're all here, no one got shot-- JUSTIN     I did! MARK     And we had to dump my chair... ABBY     No one got killed, and we're back on the road.  I'm gonna feel like shit for the tourney, but who gives a crap?  [giggles] [All join in the hysterical relieved laughter.] MUSIC SOUND     OUTSIDE ROAD - MORNING NOISES ABBY     [waking up noises, suddenly awake with a gasp] MARK     [whispering]  Shh.  It's ok-- SOUND     RUSTLE AS SHE TRIES TO SIT UP ABBY     Was it - It was a dream? MARK     Hell no.  But once you passed out, we figured you deserved it.  Let you sleep. ABBY     Oh... MARK     Hey Justin?  When's the next bathroom? BRIANNA     And a phone. JUSTIN     Like anyone's gonna believe us.  BRIANNA     You did get shot. TYLER      And I still have my trophy. SOUND     PING AGAINST METAL OF LICENSE PLATE MARK     Shh.  Abby's out again.  ABBY     Hmm?  [rousing herself] Like hell!  Justin?  Crank the music!! END  

Thanks for your patience!  Winter is tough. ______________________________________________ This episode includes graphic violence, archiac psychiatric attitudes and terminology, gaslighting, and misogyny.  It was written intentionally to emulate the style of Italian "GIALLO" thriller films of the 1970s and 80s. ______________________________________________ Hot chicks in peril, black leather-gloved killer, faces through plate glass, badly-dubbed voices, and lots and lots of the red stuff! Written and produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Dr. Silver - Anthony D.P. Mann Jessica - Julie Hoverson Adrienne - Robyn Keyes Dana - Kate Waterous Chris - Tanja Milojevic Inspector Gules - Glen Hallstrom Manager - Dru Williams Voice on Phone - Lord Blood-Rah Cop1 - Desmond Reddick (Dread Media) Cop2 - Miguel Guerreiro (FearShop.com) Coroner - Jack Kincaid (Edict Zero) Detective - Caretaker (Graveyard Show) Music:  Professor Kliq Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover: Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it?  Why it's a psychiatrist's office, can't you tell?" ________________________________________   WHEN YELLOW CASTS A CRIMSON SHADOW Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] Jessica Dr. Silver Dana Adrienne Chris Detective Gules Manager Voice Cop1 Cop2 Detective Coroner OLIVIA      Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a psychiatrist's office, can't you tell?  MUSIC SOUND      LOW MUSIC PLAYS SOUND     DOOR OPENS JESSICA     Dr. Silver? SILVER Ah, you must be Jessica. Come in!  Come in.  Your father has spoken of you often. JESSICA     Mm.  He told me to come to you if I.... needed anything. SILVER Come in! Sit down!  I can't tactfully say I am pleased to see you, but I can heartily say I am most happy to make your acquaintance. JESSICA     Oh.  Yeah.  Thanks. SOUND     DOOR SHUTS QUIETLY, SHE CROSSES ROOM AND SITS SILVER There. Now tell me what I can do for you. JESSICA     Since I moved to Florence, I've - I've been doing really well.  Sleeping.  Even without the drugs. SILVER You haven't been taking your prescriptions? JESSICA     My doctor back home said I could cut back some - once I started feeling better. SILVER Your doctor--? JESSICA     Dr. Gelb.  Joan Gelb? SILVER Ah, yes, I am familiar with some of her work. Go on. JESSICA     Go... on? SILVER You had a reason for coming to me, didn't you? JESSICA     Oh!  Yes.  [very down] The dreams. SILVER [after a beat] Yes? JESSICA     Well, I came here to attend university.  And be closer to my father. SILVER He is not in the United States? JESSICA     No.  He's on diplomatic attachment in the Netherlands - [amused] but I don't understand any Dutch. SILVER [chuckles] JESSICA     So I found a room with three other girls from the college.  They're all models.  To pay for their classes.  Well, except Dana - she just models for fun...  Sorry.  That's probably not important.  SILVER Don't let it worry you. Go at your own pace. JESSICA     Can I have a piece of paper? SILVER You want to take notes? [teasing]  That's really my job. JESSICA     No, no!  It helps me concentrate.  Please? SOUND     PAPER RIPPED FROM NOTEBOOK, PASSED OVER JESSICA     Thank you. SOUND     PAPER FOLDED, TORN - UNDER THROUGHOUT JESSICA     So, Dana, Chris, and Adrienne - are all gorgeous.  I'm the mouse.  [heavy sigh] Don't get me wrong - they're all very nice. SILVER But you are a bit jealous? JESSICA     They've all got legs all the way up to their shoulders! SILVER [musing] A woman with legs up to her shoulders might be missing a heart. JESSICA     [startled, laughs, relaxes a bit]  I like that.  But, they're nice - really nice. SILVER You're lucky. Good friends are hard to find. JESSICA     Yes... [trails off, sighs, then absently]  The dream. SILVER Whenever you're ready. JESSICA     You're going to think I'm horrible! SILVER Nonsense. Dreams are primarily symbolic, and everyone dreams about things they are embarrassed by.  I promise not to judge you. JESSICA     [gulps, long breath] In the dream, I come home.  Our apartment is on the top floor, so I walk up and up the endless stairs.  It's the type that goes round and round an open space.  [her voice slowly picks up an echo, as if in a stairwell] You know, where you can look all the way down to the ground floor - as long as you don't have to worry about vertigo? SOUND [under]      FOOTSTEPS ECHOING UP THE STAIRWELL SILVER Mm. JESSICA     And the door was ... open. JESSICA [under] Hello? JESSICA     I pushed it the rest of the way, and went in.  And everything was red.  Red on the walls.  I couldn't understand.  All I could think was - did we repaint? SILVER Yes? JESSICA     And then I looked up and saw the light fixture.  It was red too.  Red and dripping.  [slowly] Slowly dripping. SILVER [after a pause] Is that when you woke? JESSICA     [hollow, numb] No.  [coming back]  Can I have another piece of paper?  I'll trade you. SILVER A crane? Very nice. JESSICA     It was... part of my therapy. SOUND     PAPER RIPS, PASSED OVER, MORE FOLDING BEGINS SILVER Still... very nice. JESSICA     Thanks.  [deep breath]  I went into the next room.  [half a chuckle]  Out of the foyer into the frying pan.  [lame laugh]  You must think I'm awful, to be able to joke at a time like this! SILVER No. Humor is a very common way to deal with painful circumstances.  Don't concern yourself with what I think. JESSICA     Adrienne was in the sitting room.  [trying not to choke up]  Dead.  She was - all cut up, and the mirror next to the kitchen door was smashed and bloody.  I could see my reflection in the shards ....sticking ...out of her ...eyes. JESSICA [tinny] [screams] SILVER [after a short moment] Was that where the dream ended? JESSICA     [trying to be chipper]  Yes.  Just that.  Just... seeing her dead. SILVER I'd... like to venture an interpretation of this dream that might help you... come to terms with it. JESSICA     Yes? SILVER It's a manifestation of a deep-seated jealousy. JESSICA     I'm not jealous! SILVER It's normal - don't worry. She's a beautiful model and you want to see yourself in her eyes as she appears to yours.  JESSICA     [brightening] Really?  But it was so bloody. SILVER Symbolism again. Red is the color of jealousy and passion.  Nothing more. MUSIC SOUND     HER FOOTSTEPS ECHO UP ENDLESS STAIRWAY SOUND     HEAVY FOOTSTEPS BELOW SOUND     HER FOOTSTEPS STOP SOUND     A COUPLE OF HEAVY FOOTSTEPS, APPROACHING SOUND     HER FOOTSTEPS, RUNNING UP THE STAIRS SOUND     SHE PAUSES AGAIN JESSICA     [heavy breathing, trying to be quiet and listen] SOUND     NO FOOTSTEPS SOUND     THUMPING SOUNDS APPROACH - SETS OF FOUR SOUND     TURNS OUT TO BE A BALL COMING DOWN THE STAIRS SOUND     SHE CATCHES THE BALL JESSICA     [sigh, chuckle] CHILD     [strangely bland] My ball! JESSICA     [gasp, almost a scream]  Oh!  [more normal] I've got it. SOUND     HER STEPS BEGIN AGAIN MUSIC SOUND     DOOR OPENS DANA     [lecturing] I only eat chocolate off a man. JESSICA     [gasp] CHRIS     Ha!  What a line to come in on!  Dana was just explaining her perfect diet plan. ADRIENNE     It makes perfect sense - work up a sweat, then have all the chocolate you want! JESSICA     You girls. DANA     Don't tell me you wouldn't, if you had a chance? JESSICA     Well... CHRIS     Maybe she doesn’t like chocolate! ADRIENNE     Maybe she doesn't like men. JESSICA     I like chocolate!  My father sent me some cocoa - the good Dutch kind. DANA     I'm surprised you like men any more, Adrienne, after all that bastard Alberto put you through. ADRIENNE     Don't get me started.  [beat]  You should really be allowed to shoot men when you're through with them.  CHRIS     I'd have a trail of bodies stretching to the sunset. JESSICA     Are there any more of those apples? DANA     Catch! SOUND      CATCHING AN APPLE CHRIS     What would we do when we run out of men? ADRIENNE     [bitter, haunted] Not all men, just the ones who want to track you down and torment you. DANA     He didn’t! CHRIS     Again? JESSICA     [bites into apple, then chewing]  What? DANA      You should tell her. ADRIENNE     It makes me sound like such a victim. DANA     Why do you think she never does bikini shots? CHRIS     She's moved three times in the past year - but he always finds her. DANA     She's got the scars to prove it. MUSIC SOUND     SOFT MUSIC PLAYS SOUND     DOOR SLAMS OPEN, HURRIED FEET ENTER JESSICA     It  happened again! SILVER Calm down, Jessica. JESSICA     I'm - I'm so sorry to burst in here like this-- SILVER Sit down. JESSICA     But I - I can't concentrate on anything today-- SOUND     PAPER RIPPING FROM NOTEBOOK SILVER Here. Now sit. SOUND     SHE SNATCHES THE PAPER, FLAPS IT JESSICA     Thank you.  Are you sure it's ok? SILVER I've got plenty of paper. JESSICA     [chuckles] No, I mean-- [sighs] Thank you. SOUND     SHE SITS, BEGINS FOLDING JESSICA     I feel like such a fool. SILVER It obviously upset you. Sharing will make you feel better.  You had another dream? JESSICA     No!  That's the weird part - it was the same dream! SILVER The same? JESSICA     Well, it started the same.  Going up the stairs, and the blood on the light, and ... [almost a whisper] Adrienne. SILVER And...? JESSICA     It was all the same - except the ending.  SILVER How did it end, then? JESSICA     It didn't.  I mean - it went on, from where I woke up before.  SILVER Hmm. JESSICA     I was staring at myself in the mirror shards - but then I realized it wasn't me.  Not Jessica.  Not this time - that was different.  SILVER Who was in the reflection? JESSICA     I think it was.... the killer! [NOTE - now the voices in the consulting room are tinny, as the scene plays out underneath] SOUND     [repeat of Jessica's scream from the first dream, which trails off into a weird noise of breathing] SOUND     FOOTSTEPS WALK SLOWLY THROUGH SQUISHY BLOODY PUDDLE SILVER Be as specific as you want. You won't shock me.  You can give me every detail. JESSICA      I can smell the blood.  It's everywhere.  SILVER It's quite a distinctive smell. JESSICA      Yes. SOUND     DOOR PUSHED SLOWLY OPEN, FOOTSTEPS MOVE INTO DRY SPACE SOUND     SQUEAK AS KNIFE IS CLEANED OFF - LEATHER AGAINST METAL SOUND     FOUR TAPS OF KNIFE AGAINST WOOD JESSICA      It was Dana's room.  And she was sleeping. SILVER So this was nighttime? JESSICA      [slightly confused] I don't know.  Dana sleeps late.  SILVER Jessica - in the dream, are you Jessica, or are you the killer? JESSICA      I - I'm not sure.  I'm not... thinking in the dream, just seeing and feeling... and smelling.  I can't see a face - even in the mirrors - I just knew it was the killer looking back at me, but I couldn't tell you what he...I...looked like. SILVER [too interested] What are you wearing? JESSICA      Boots.  Black.  Leather gloves.  I move toward Dana's bed... SOUND     CREAK OF THE LEATHER GLOVES SILVER Do you stab her too? JESSICA      [offhand] Oh, Adrienne wasn't stabbed - at least... that wasn't how she died.  She was strangled.  SOUND     CREAK OF LEATHER DANA     [gasps, awakens, tries to breathe] SOUND     CLAWING AT LEATHER, SHAKING OF BED, POUNDING SILVER And then she died? JESSICA      Oh, no.  That would be too quick.  I let up just in time - she's out. SILVER [licks his lips] Do you tie her up? JESSICA      Yes.  I tie her to the bed frame.  Up and down. SILVER What is she wearing? JESSICA      A scarlet negligee.  She got it after one of her modeling shoots - the picture is on the wall over the bed.  Huge.  Her.  Posed in red.  Enticing. SOUND     [tinny] CRUMPLE OF PAPER SILVER And then...? JESSICA      [coming out of it]  I-I- can I have another piece of paper? SILVER [breathing a bit heavily, trying to calm down] Of course. SOUND     PAPER TORN RATHER CLUMSILY OUT OF NOTEBOOK - RIPS IN HALF SILVER Damn. What will you make? SOUND     TEARS ANOTHER PIECE, SHE SNATCHES IT AWAY FROM HIM, BEGINS FOLDING JESSICA      A box.  I feel like I'm in a box. SILVER Perhaps you should make something more... open. Something you can get out of. JESSICA      Maybe next time. SILVER All right. Was there more to the dream? JESSICA      A little.  After Dana woke up.  SILVER [trying to hide his excitement] What happened? JESSICA      [evasive] I just... killed her. MUSIC ESCALATES SOUND     STABBING - SETS OF FOUR DANA     [Screaming, begging, gurgling] SOUND     SPLATTER DANA     [gurgling] SOUND     A COUPLE MORE KNIFE STABS DANA     [death rattle] SOUND     DRIPPING SOUND     WIPING KNIFE WITH GLOVES AGAIN MUSIC SOUND     FOOTSTEPS IN STAIRWELL, STOP FOR A SECOND SOUND     FAR AWAY, DOOR OPENS JESSICA     [sigh] SOUND     TWO STEPS SOUND     DOOR NEARBY SLAMS OPEN SOUND     FEROCIOUS DOG!!!!! JESSICA     [screams, then smothers it] SOUND     SCRABBLING OF DOG NAILS ON TILE FLOOR JESSICA     Mrs. Amarelo!  Mrs. Amarelo!  Please! MUSIC SOUND     TEAPOT WHISTLING, TAKEN OFF, WATER POURS JESSICA     [talking loudly to someone in another room] She really needs to keep that dog on a shorter leash.  She's lucky I didn't jump back and fall down the stairs. SOUND     DOOR OPENS, SLIPPERED FEET IN DANA     [half awake]  Mm.  Coffee? JESSICA     [silly!] Cocoa.  [gasp] Oh! DANA     You don't like it?  It's imported French lace. JESSICA     I'm just not used to-- DANA     And red is such a good color on me. ADRIENNE     [calling from the other room] --she's just shy. SOUND     FOOTSTEPS COME IN ADRIENNE     [close] Haven't you ever wondered, Jessica? JESSICA     [disturbed]  Wondered... what? SOUND     A COUPLE OF STEPS DANA     Mmm? ADRIENNE     What it would be like with a woman? JESSICA     [disturbed] Um - no.  Uh, I don't even know anyone who does-- ADRIENNE     Anyone who you KNOW does, anyway. JESSICA     Um... I guess. SOUND     DOOR SLAMS OPEN CHRIS     [freaking out, out of breath] Oh, god!  SOUND     DOOR SLAMS SHUT, BODY THUMPS AGAINST IT ADRIENNE     What's wrong?  Sit down! SOUND     DOOR LOCKS JESSICA     Cocoa? CHRIS     Thanks!  [sips, then shudders in a breath] ADRIENNE     What happened? CHRIS     [gasping it out] On the street.  A gun! It was so loud!  DANA     Someone was shot?  I'm phoning the police. ADRIENNE     Give her a minute!  She's nearly hysterical! CHRIS     No!  No!  Call them!  The sooner I tell, the sooner he'll be caught! JESSICA     Did you see the guy? CHRIS     Uh-huh! [yes] MUSIC SOUND     LOW MUSIC PLAYS SOUND     PAPER FOLDING JESSICA     I have this awful feeling-- SILVER Yes? JESSICA     That this is all... some kind of premonition. SILVER You think you're seeing something that might happen in the future? JESSICA     It would make so much sense. SILVER Is there anything in the dream that makes you think it will happen? JESSICA     Like what? SILVER Something with the date? A newspaper, perhaps? JESSICA     [concentrating]  Mmm, no.  None of us really reads the papers.  Magazines, yes, but they don't come out that often.  [beat] And they all kind of look the same. SILVER Have you ever had a dream - any dream - come true in the past? JESSICA     What?  [half a chuckle] No! SILVER Then I think you are safe. [teasing, fatherly] But make sure to lock your door. JESSICA     [laughs a bit] SILVER [getting back on track] So. The dream came back.  Again. JESSICA     [quiet, sad] Yes. SILVER And it was--? JESSICA     Longer. SILVER [avid] So once again, you saw your first two friends strangled and tortured and-- [swallows] mutilated. JESSICA     Yes.  SILVER And then? What about your third friend - what was her name? JESSICA     Chris.  [numb]  Chris was in the hall.  She must have heard the commotion with Dana.  I... feel like the killer was - ummmm - surprised.  Like he didn't expect her to be there. SILVER Why do you say that? JESSICA     I don't know.  Just that he - I - had to chase her down. SILVER Be specific. JESSICA     I came out of Dana's bedroom-- [office voices go tinny] SOUND     SQUISHING FOOTSTEPS, WIPE FEET AND STEP ONTO TILE SOUND     DOOR OPENS CHRIS     Dana?  What?  Oh, god!  [screams] JESSICA     I hesitate, stunned.  Just long enough for her to run back into her room. SOUND     DOOR SLAMS SOUND     HEAVY FEET RUN, SLAM INTO DOOR CHRIS     [muffled] No!  No! SOUND     SLAM INTO DOOR, WOOD CREAKS AND CRACKS JESSICA     There's such a - a rush as the door gives way. SILVER Where is Chris? JESSICA     She's pressed again the window, outlined in light from the pink and red neon across the street. SILVER Ahhhh. What is she wearing? JESSICA     Silk.  A blue slip-- SILVER Blue? Are you sure? JESSICA     Yes.  Why? SILVER The neon light - it might be deceptive. JESSICA     I saw it in the hall. SILVER Ahhh. What color is her hair?  JESSICA     Chris?  She has long straight blonde hair.  SILVER And very pretty. JESSICA     Yes. SILVER Mmmmm. SOUND     WINDOW SLAMS OPEN JESSICA     I raise the knife and she screams again, trying to climb out the window. SILVER Can she? JESSICA     We're six stories up.  That's why there's all those stairs. SILVER Do you... cut her? JESSICA     Better.  I set the knife aside again-- SOUND     LEATHER ON METAL JESSICA      --and take her by the throat.  The black leather of the gloves looks strange in the neon pink glow - especially against her pale white throat. SILVER Does she struggle? JESSICA     Like a fiend.  She strikes and kicks, but it is all in vain.  [coming out of it] The killer must be a man. SILVER [startled out] Um? Of course--  Um, [swallows, clears throat] The um - the killer in the dream. JESSICA     That's what I meant. SILVER Right. More paper? SOUND     RIPS PAPER OUT OF NOTEBOOK JESSICA     Thanks. SOUND     TAKES IT, STARTS FOLDING SILVER You've made me quite a little collection here. What’s this one? JESSICA     A knife.  SILVER [amused] A paper knife. And this? JESSICA     A shrew. SILVER No more cranes? JESSICA     Cranes are peaceful.  I haven't been feeling very... peaceful. SILVER Do you want to continue? JESSICA     Don't you have another appointment? SILVER No. Your case is fascinating, so I cleared some extra time for you. JESSICA     Oh.  All right. SILVER At least follow the dream to the conclusion. JESSICA     Where was I? SILVER [too quick] You were strangling Chris. SOUND     STRANGLING NOISES UP AGAIN SOUND     HAND POUNDING AGAINST GLASS [voices go tinny again] JESSICA     Right.  Then she passed out. SOUND     STRUGGLE STOPS, SQUEAK OF HAND SLIDING DOWN PANE SILVER Gooood. SOUND     ROPE PASSING THROUGH HANDS SILVER And--? JESSICA     I took the cord from the blinds and wrapped it around her neck. SILVER Strangling her? Again?  Why? JESSICA     It wasn't tied that tight. SILVER Then, what? JESSICA     Then I cut her a little.  Not deep.  Just enough to see red - just enough for the blood to flow.  Shoulders.  Thighs.  Chest.  It took a long time for her to wake up again. SILVER Did you cut her blue slip off? JESSICA     It's not blue any more.  Now it's wet and dark in strange rivulet patterns.  So is the floor. SILVER And then? JESSICA     Her eyes open - and once again I see my own reflection twice in one face.  And this time I can almost make out who I am.  If it weren't for that darn pink neon, I might be able to. SILVER Does SHE recognize you? JESSICA     [dismissively] Maybe.  She tries to scream.  But I already gagged her.  [little sigh]  She was asleep a long time. SILVER Uh-huh? JESSICA     I pull her up by her hair - her long blonde lovely hair.  The word "tresses" pops into my mind. SILVER Tresses. That's a good word. JESSICA     She squirms and tries to escape.  Her eyes plead with me.  But I don't waver.  I show her the knife and she closes her eyes.  I run the hilt of the knife over her forehead and she squeals - when really all I want to do is press her eyelids open. SILVER She can't understand that, can she? JESSICA     I just want her to see.  She was always a big one for seeing things. SILVER See what? JESSICA     The window. SILVER Is there something outside? JESSICA     Not yet. SILVER Oh? JESSICA     As soon as her eyelids flutter open, I turn her toward the window and slam her face into it, shattering the glass.  Something breaks in her, too, and I hear her muffled agony. SILVER Her nose? JESSICA     I don't know, since as soon as the glass is gone, I push her out. SILVER On the cord? JESSICA     She dances so prettily.  SILVER Do the people outside see? JESSICA     No, the music from the club with the neon is very loud, and no one ever looks up. SILVER What about the blood? JESSICA     I don’t know.  I woke up. SILVER [breathing heavily, calming down] JESSICA     What do you think? SILVER We definitely have some work to do. You'll see me each afternoon for a while - can you promise me you will? JESSICA     Of course, if you think it's important. SILVER Very. And here is my home number-- SOUND     SCRIBBLING ON A CARD SILVER --In case anything else comes to mind. JESSICA     You're sure you don't mind if I call you? SILVER No. Of course not.  In fact, I insist.  I am here for you. MUSIC AMB     STREET, NOT TOO MANY PEOPLE AROUND SOUND     JESSICA'S STEPS, HURRYING SOUND     A STRANGE TAPPING NOISE - SETS OF FOUR - GETTING CLOSER SOUNDS     SHE SPEEDS UP SOUND     THE TAPPING GETS CLOSER SOUND     SHE SPEEDS UP MORE JESSICA     [gasping] SOUND     GRAB AND FLING OPEN DOOR SOUND     FEET RUN INTO BUILDING SOUND     DOOR SLAMS SHUT JESSICA     [breathing heavily]  SOUND     TAPS GO PAST OUTSIDE JESSICA     [sighs, almost laughs] MANAGER     [off slightly] Scotomaphobia? JESSICA     [gasps] SOUND     THUMP AS SHE RECOILS JESSICA     What?  Mr. Cramoisie?  You - you startled me! SOUND     CIGARETTE CRUSHED OUT MANAGER     The fear of going blind. JESSICA     Huh? Me? MANAGER     I saw you run from the white stick.  [chuckles] And I don't know a word for fear of a blind man. MUSIC SOUND     DOOR OPENS TENTATIVELY JESSICA     [clearly worried] Hello? ADRIENNE     Jess?  Is there something wrong? JESSICA     [sigh of relief]  No.  Nothing.  Glad to be home. SOUNDS     STEPS COME IN, DOOR SHUTS SOUND     REMOVING COAT, ETC. DANA     I was just putting on some tea - want some? JESSICA     No, thanks.  Save me some water, though? ADRIENNE     You and your cocoa.  Come in here - we’ve got company. SOUND     A FEW SLOW STEPS JESSICA     Oh?  Hello. GULES     Ah.  This must be your other roommate.  Very pleased.  Four such lovely ladies, [slightly ominous] all alone. CHRIS     This is Detective Gules.  That is Jessica.  Sit down Jessie.  JESSICA     Detective? SOUND     CHAIR CREAKS AS SHE SITS CHRIS     He's investigating - um - [whispered] what I saw yesterday. GULES     We suspect the murder she witnessed was gangster-related, and are concerned for her safety.  Your safety, too.  This isn't a very secure building.  You don't even have grilles on the windows. DANA     Pssht!  We're six floors up!  Who needs grilles!  Here, Jess.  Water-- SOUND     MUG SET DOWN DANA     And your precious cocoa. SOUND     TIN SOUND     SPOON DROPPED INTO MUG DANA     [to the room, teasing] I wouldn't dare measure it for you. JESSICA     [laughs]  That's perfect, Dana, thanks.  SOUND     MIXES UP THE COCOA GULES     I'm trying to convince Chris to let me take her into protection.  [getting darker] We want to make sure she stays where we can put our hands on her. MUSIC SOUND     PHONE PICKED UP JESSICA     Hello?  VOICE     [harsh whisper]  Four girls.  Could be three.  Or one. JESSICA     Who is this?  You're scaring me. VOICE     Will it be you? JESSICA     I'm hanging up now! SOUND     PHONE SLAMMED DOWN DANA     [worried] Jess?  Who was that? JESSICA     A heavy breather.  You know the type. DANA     I didn’t even hear the phone ring. JESSICA     Oh?  Umm... I must have picked it up just as it was starting.  Who did you think it was? DANA     Oh, Michel.  My brother.  He's been asking for money again.  JESSICA     What's wrong this time? DANA     Same old shit.  Someone's going to break his legs.  Someone's going to kill his dog.  [disgusted noise]  He ran through his half of the inheritance years ago. JESSICA     And you don't feel sorry for him? DANA     I felt one hundred thousand dollars sorry for him, and that was in the first month after he flushed all his cash down one toilet and another.  Since then.  [shrug]  Not so damn sorry. MUSIC SOUND     SNORING [Dr. Silver] SOUND     PHONE RINGS SOUND     PHONE PICKED UP SILVER [not awake] mmm Hello? JESSICA     [on phone, hysterical] Doctor?  Please?  Something terrible has happened! SILVER [snapping awake, but still groggy] Jessica? Wha-what's going on? JESSICA     [on phone] You have to come, Doctor!  I need help!  [backs off and screams] SOUND     [on phone] PHONE DROPS, THUMPS A FEW TIMES. SOUND     BED CLOTHES FLUNG OFF MUSIC SOUND     DOC'S FEET COMING UP THE STAIRS, QUICKLY SILVER [reading door numbers] 601... 602...? JESSICA     [moan]  SILVER Jessica? What has happened? JESSICA     D-doctor?  SILVER Come out here. My god - what--? JESSICA     A nosebleed.  I - I get them sometimes. SILVER With the dreams? JESSICA     Uh-huh. SILVER Why are you out here in the hall? JESSICA     I didn’t want to wake anyone. SILVER They're your friends. They will surely understand.  Let's go inside.  [suave] Maybe have some of your famous cocoa? JESSICA     [small laugh]  That would be nice. SILVER Invite me in? SOUND     DOOR OPENS JESSICA     You're invited. SOUND     A COUPLE OF STEPS, A SLIGHT SQUISH SILVER [slight shock] What? MUSIC JESSICA     [sips, then] The dream was sooo bad this time. SILVER [grunt] JESSICA     Then I found these-- SOUND     SLAP OF LEATHER GLOVES JESSICA     And suddenly everything started to be so real.  But it can't be, can it? SILVER [grunt] JESSICA     I hoped I would wake up, and the gloves would be gone, but here they are. SOUND     GLOVES CREAK SILVER [agreeing grunt] JESSICA     It's really good isn't it?  Is it too hot for you? SILVER [slight overreaction negative grunt] JESSICA     My father sent it.  From the Netherlands.  He's always somewhere else.  I mean somewhere else from where I am, anyway.  Did I tell you how my mother died? SILVER [negative] JESSICA     She committed suicide when I was 5.  I found her.  Dr. Gelb says that's why I can't sleep.  She says I can never forget my mother's dead eyes.   SILVER Hmm? JESSICA     They looked at me, but they weren't really her any more, you know? SILVER Hmm. JESSICA     [briskly] But this is all beside the point.  I'm so glad the girls are heavy sleepers.  So we can talk. SILVER Mm-hmm. JESSICA     [very important]  I finally saw myself in the dream. SILVER Mmm? JESSICA     I mean, I, in the killer's eyes, saw me - Jessica.  Do you know how frightening that could be?  The idea that I could not only watch myself be butchered, but that I would somehow be behind the eyes of the one doing it? SILVER [sigh] JESSICA     [sips]  SOUND     SETS DOWN CUP, PICKS UP PIECE OF PAPER, STARTS FOLDING JESSICA     Somehow, when I have a piece of paper in my hands, the dream fades into something that might have been on the television. SILVER Hmm. JESSICA     [beat, then] Once Chris was dead, the killer must have pulled her back in.  She was on the bed, starred with glass in the dark.  Pink stars, catching the neon. SILVER Mmm. JESSICA     I watch his black gloved hand push open my own bedroom door.  I'm lying on the bed, tossing in my sleep.  SILVER Umm. JESSICA     The knife in my - his - hand leads me to the bed.  To the woman.  To me. SILVER Umm? JESSICA     [agreeing] I know.  SOUND     [off slightly]  DOOR SLAMS OPEN JESSICA     What? COP1     [off] Oh my god! COP2     [off] [trying not to hurl] SOUND     HER SQUISHY, STICKY BARE FOOTSTEPS JESSICA     [way too calm, calling]  Chris?  Did you call for the police?  [to the police] You should have knocked. COP1     What the hell?  What... the ... hell! COP2     Is all that...blood? JESSICA     What?  Oh, the nosebleed.  Sorry, I should have changed into something fresh.  Would you like some cocoa? COP1     [calling back over his shoulder] Watch where you step! MUSIC     SOUND     GURNEY AFTER GURNEY BEING WHEELED OUT BEHIND THEM SOUND     DOG BARKING DOWN THE HALL, KEEPS GOING COP1     It's bad, sir. COP2     You might want some shoe covers. DETECTIVE     Who could have done such an awful thing? COP2     Someone crazy.  Truly out of his mind. DETECTIVE     Or her mind. COP1     Do you have any reason to suspect a woman? DETECTIVE     [shrug] I suspect everyone.  How many bodies? CORONER     Four bodies.  And one clinging to life. DETECTIVE     And the smell? CORONER     Rotting flesh.  [long sniff]  Been lying here several days, if I don't miss my guess.  MUSIC end

once more, we return to the world of zombies.... Written and produced by Julie Hoverson Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson [warning - foul language] ******************************************************************* Tammuz Corporation has barely settled back in as top producer of undead workforce, when something much worse comes out of R&D.   Cast List Fred - Leonard Streeper June - Melissa Bartell Dill - Mark Olson Chambers - Dave Marshall Dr. Plasmus - Kim Poole Landon Frost - Chris Barnes Pamela Frost - Julie Hoverson Doctor - James Sedgwick Nurse - Rachel Cavic Interviewer - Russell Gold Music by Kevin MacLeod of Incompetech.com Cover art by Julie Hoverson INTERLUDES: Cricket - Reynaud LeBoeuf, Julie Hoverson, M. Siero Garcia, Katy Fontenot Courtroom - Carl Cubbedge, Tanja Milojevic Champion Chum - Katy Fontenot, Rachel Cavic, Reynaud LeBoeuf Save the Zombies - Gwendolyn Jensen-Woodard New Year's Head Swaps - Justin Charles, Crystal Dennis Life Insurance - Joe Stofko Big Bob's - Richard Summers Lecturer - Robert Cudmore Classroom - Janny Hilverts, Katy Fontenot, Sirena Carroll, Mike Campbell, James Sedgwick, Julie Hoverson Zombie Show - Gareth Bowley Survivalists - Dave Fontenot, Matthew McLean "Working Stiff" - Chris Stockett Edna's Chum - M. Siero Garcia Scam - Rick Lewis Zombie Lib - Derek Koch Old Zombie Spice - Morgan Brown "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a secret lab, deep in the Tammuz Corporation, can't you tell?" ***************************************************************************************   Project Top Hat Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] Landon Frost, TV show host Pamela Frost, his wife Fred and June Doctor Plasmus, top researcher Chambers - executive Dill - less important executive OLIVIA      Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a Top Secret Lab, on the human side of the wall, in the world of zombies, can't you tell?  MUSIC SOUND      computer and lab noises LANDON     [on TV] I'm Landon Frost, and tonight on "the Z word," we'll take a behind the scenes look at how zombies are used in the manufacture of your dog's kibble.  FRED     How can they feed zombies to dogs? JUNE     Ambulates make the food - prepare it.  It's illegal to terminate them without "just cause." FRED     As opposed to "just cuz"?  [laughs] JUNE     Hah.  That's what "the Z word" is about - exposing the ways zombies are exploited. LANDON     [TV] You'll be watching this series throughout the holidays, and I'll be tucked up at home with my family.  JUNE     He's always busy.  Hardly ever gets to see them. FRED     Oh, boo-hoo.  This Frost guy gets to fly all over the world, cussing on TV, and making zillions of dollars, and he wants sympathy? JUNE     Don't forget taking his shirt off...  [chuckle]  But he's also a romantic - always talking about how he misses his wife Pamela. FRED     So?  He could retire. JUNE     Helping improve "life" for ambulates is like a crusade for him. SOUND     DOOR OPENS, CUTTING HER OFF FRED     [muttered exclamation] Oh shit! SOUND     CHAIR SQUEAK, SCRAMBLE LANDON     [TV] I'll be meeting my wife in secret at‑‑ SOUND     SWITCH, TV OFF DILL     [coming in talking]  We should be able to improve the bottom line. CHAMBERS     AND not expose Tammuz to any more... liability.  We are just starting to get back to where we were before Mrs. Skray's... DILL     Unfortunate accident? CHAMBERS     [grim] Breakdown. DILL     Ah. CHAMBERS     I need your personal guarantee this won't come back to bite us in the butt. DILL     If it does, my butt will have your back. CHAMBERS     What? DILL     uh... nothing.  Dr. Plasmus is expecting us. CHAMBERS     Plasmus?  What kind of a name is that? DILL     Dunno.  I only know results, and the good doctor facilitated the "crickets".  Look what they've done to help us get back in good odor over the last 18 months. CHAMBERS     [favorably impressed] MMmm. DILL     And now - [announcing] Project Top Hat! SOUND     DOOR OPENS SOUND     MUSIC SCENE CHANGE TV DUDE     [ON TV]  Do you ever have behavior problems with your ambulates? ZOMBIE     Grr. OLD LADY     [pleased] Cricket! TV DUDE     Do they sometimes seem to have a mind of their own? ZOMBIE2     [weird noise] MAN     [smug] Cricket. TV DUDE     Would you ever have them in the house without it? WOMAN     Around my kids?  Forget it! KIDS     Just CRICKET! TV DUDE     Yes, Cricket, the "behavioral reminder" Implant that reminds zombies to toe the line.  TV DUDE      [quiet, rushed]  Results may vary.  Some side effects may occur.  No guarantee of bodily safety is implied or express in the sale of this product.  Not available in all areas.  [up]  Get Cricket today!  Brought to you by your friends at Tammuz Corporation. SOUND     MUSIC SOUND     WALKING, DOOR SWOOSHES OPEN SOUND     ZAPS and SQUISHY NOISES PLASMUS     You're early. DILL     Uh, no.  It's - um - six? PLASMUS     It is?  Hmm.  Well, just let me finish this, and-- SOUND     BIG ZAP CHAMBERS     What are you working on? PLASMUS     Shh! DILL     [hushed] Sorry, the doc doesn’t multitask.  CHAMBERS     What? SOUND     ONE FINAL ZAP PLASMUS     Done.  He means I do not work and talk.  When you have worked directly in as many brains as I have, you begin to value each function for its own worth, and not merely as a gestalt whole. CHAMBERS     Uh, right.  So are you ready to gestalted [get started] now? DILL     Gestalt isn't-- CHAMBERS     I KNOW. PLASMUS     It was a bit of a joke?  [small dry chuckle]  Am I right? CHAMBERS     Yeah. PLASMUS     I thought as much.  I fear that the humor seat of my own brain has probably been left a wee bit underdeveloped.  Oh well.  Could be MUCH worse.  I could have an atrophied hippocampus!  [laughs riotously] DILL     Uh, yeah.  [toady laugh] CHAMBERS     That would be unfortunate, indeed. PLASMUS     [stops laughing suddenly]  But you are not here for pleasantries.  You are here to see what I have wrought! CHAMBERS     Aha!  So that's the smell in here. PLASMUS     What? CHAMBERS     Rot? PLASMUS     [laughs] MUSIC      SCENE CHANGE to TV LANDON     What the fuck do you think you're doing?  You can't have rats in any ambulate work area, you moronic lavat'ry brush!  They may not decay, but can still be damaged - do you want to be the one providing your workforce with replacement parts every time rats gnaw a bit off?  Or perhaps rats are the only protein going in to your fucking kibble?  SOUND     MUSIC DILL     So now the doctor will demonstrate--? [hint] PLASMUS     Have you forgotten the name again? DILL     [uncomfortable] No.  no, I just was giving you a chance to - you know - take the glory. PLASMUS     You should have warned me.  [sigh]  It is project top hat for a very simple reason-- SOUND     METAL CLANK CHAMBERS     It looks like a top hat.  Original.  DILL     And what does it do...?  [hinting] PLASMUS     Stop doing that.  DILL     Sorry. PLASMUS     [launching into lecture mode] The ambulate workforce is sturdy, capable - albeit slow - and cheap, since all they require is chum, unlike human workers who not only need food, shelter, sleep, etc., but also WANT things. DILL     [muttered] Zombies want things too.  That's part of the problem. PLASMUS     Shush.  It is this volition which is the only real drawback to the use of ambulates for many sorts of work - and which gives rise to the various debates over ambulate sentience, and to use an inexact phrase - over their "personhood". CHAMBERS     None of this is news. PLASMUS     I am setting it up.  So if there was a way to mix the useful qualities of the ambulate with the mindless diligence of, say, a computer, wouldn’t that improve their value? CHAMBERS     [interested] Yessss.... DILL     Of course. PLASMUS     So this mechanism will do that - replacing the corpse's brain with a limited function computer, only able to obey commands. CHAMBERS     You specify "Corpse"? PLASMUS     [pleased] Ah, you caught that.  [chuckles] Much like the pre-edict abortion debates, this idealization of ambulates leads to the nasty question of when, precisely, one goes from human, to dead human, to ambulate.  DILL     You've seen the courtroom reality shows. MUSIC COURT REPORT     We'll catch the plaintiff as she leaves.  Missus Feinman,  Missus Feinman?  How do you feel about the jury's ruling? MISSUS     Act of god, my eye!  My husband had a very clear "do not reanimate" clause in his will - but that doctor failed to catch him at the exact moment to remove the head and prevent reanimation, and now he's stuck.  MISTER     [zombie moan] MISSUS     I can't even have him decently put down, what with the iffy legal status of zombies.  [sniffles] COURT REPORT     [bland] You have our sympathy, I'm sure.  In just a moment, we'll speak to the doctor and his attorney. MUSIC PLASMUS     So we must catch them in that window - that tiny "between states" period when we can still legally treat them as objects.  CHAMBERS     And--? PLASMUS     Remove the head.  Once the head is gone, the body may yet convert, but does not move, as it has little sensory input to motivate it. CHAMBERS     You remove the head?  [Slowly gets it] And then you do - oh - ohhhh.  The Top Hat. PLASMUS     I see you are a quick thinker, Mr. Senior executive.  Yes.  The unit replaces the so-called "mind", by which we truly mean the physical brain, giving the animated carcass sensory input, all the while leaving complete control with the human controller.  CHAMBERS     Can the body re-animate, without the head? PLASMUS     Do you know how the ambi-twist works? CHAMBERS     The what? DILL     [muttered] The T virus. PLASMUS     No, no!  That is a trademarked name and cannot be used without possible reprisal!  DILL     Sorry!  That's what most people [call it]. PLASMUS     I don't want to hear it!  Besides, the ambi-twist does not make ravenous beasts.  Animates are gentle.  Like kittens. MUSIC COMMERCIAL AMB     GROCERY SHOPPING SUSY     Gee, mommy, Rolf pushes the cart real well, don't he? MOMMY     That reminds me!  We need to pick up some chum! ROLF     [eager zombie noise] SUSY     He knows THAT word! ANNOUNCER     Of course he does, but can he tell the difference between Champion Chum and the bargain brand? MOMMY     Is there a difference? ANNOUNCER     Just ask Rolf! ROLF     [sticky zombie eating noises] SUSY     [laughing] Oh Rolf! ANNOUNCER     Every zombie, every day, chooses Champion brand chum! MUSIC CHAMBERS     They're tame enough with the cricket.  If they were naturally docile, we wouldn't need it. PLASMUS     And with the top hat, there will be no need for the cricket.  Let me show you. SOUND     CAGE OPENS CHAMBERS     [horrified reaction] Oh! DILL     ugh [bland] PLASMUS     This stray dog was humanely euthanized, and the top hat was immediately attached-- SOUND     COMPUTERIZED BARK PLASMUS     We had to use a fairly large dog, so the top hat unit wouldn't overbalance it.  It was designed for a human frame-- SOUND     COMMOTION OUTSIDE PLASMUS     What is this? SOUND     DOOR SLAMS OPEN JACKIE     All of you!  Over by the wall!  [to june and fred] Get in there! FRED     Right, of course. JUNE     Excuse me.  Just - um - going through. CHAMBERS     Who the devil are you? JACKIE     I'm the one with the gun!  And I said over by the wall! DILL     She means it.  Move it!  Move it move it move it.... PLASMUS     But the dog-- SOUND     COMPUTERIZED BARK SOUND     GUN SHOT INTO CEILING JACKIE     And don't get any funny ideas.  I'm not alone. CHAMBERS     [reasonable and placating]  Tell us what you want. JACKIE     [almost a yell] I want you all over by that wall! SOUND     COMPUTERIZED BARK DILL     Already here! JUNE     Me too! PLASMUS     Allow me to-- [take the dog] JACKIE      Leave that poor thing! SOUND     COMPUTERIZED BARK JACKIE     That is exactly the kind of horrid monster we're here to put an end to. PLASMUS     Ah.  Activists.  [chuckling] CHAMBERS     Don't mock the woman with the gun! PLASMUS     Oh.  Of course. JACKIE     And what's behind here? PLASMUS     No! Don't!  It's not ready yet! CHAMBERS     What IS it? SOUND     CURTAIN OPENS JACKIE     Mother of god! MUSIC     SCENE CHANGE, AND then WUSSY POPSTAR     I know all of you have heard and most of you have enjoyed my hit single "walking away with my heart" about the plight of the ambulate.  ZOMBIE     [pathetic moan] POPSTAR     Too many of these poor once-human creatures are abused, neglected, and sometimes even abandoned to fend for themselves - forced to sell their bodies, bit by horrible bit, for the chum they need to survive.  Can’t you spare just a little - the price of a cup of coffee - to help? MUSIC CHAMBERS     Just tell us your demands, and let's get on with this. JACKIE     [horrified]  What have you done to this man? PLASMUS     It is not a man.  It is a corpse. JACKIE     It's moving. PLASMUS     There's no one there.  As you can see, the computer has taken the place of its entire head, thus removing all chance of-- CHAMBERS     [hissed, annoyed] You didn't say you'd already done this to a human - [correcting himself] a human corpse, that is. PLASMUS      I simply hadn't got to that part of the presentation, yet. JACKIE     [distracted and horrified] But why? FRED     Hi-YAH! SOUND     THUMP, SCUFFLE DILL     Wow.  SOUND     GUN GOES OFF DILL     Stay back! JUNE     [indecisive but encouraging] Get her, Fred! SOUND     SCUFFLE ENDS FRED     Got her. PLASMUS     Can I have her as a specimen? JACKIE     You can't do that to me! PLASMUS     Of course we could.  We simply record that you died in an attack on our security, and your corpse will be ...recycled. JACKIE     NO! CHAMBERS     That's a bit much, isn't it? PLASMUS     [quiet] Drat.  [up] Heh-heh.  Of course.  Just a bit of - intimidation.  Hah.  Hah. DILL     Right. PLASMUS     What this young lady doesn't seem to understand is that there are many people who don't wish to return as a shambling, slow, and stupid ambulate.  Many would rather know that their mind - their "soul" - had been allowed to pass on. JACKIE     How the hell do you think you're doing that? PLASMUS     Cutting off the head.  The body is still useful - as you can see.  It can be of service to the living. JACKIE     The soul isn’t in the brain.  The soul is - the soul.  It will stay around no matter what. PLASMUS     [derisive laugh] MUSIC SOUND     PARTY! BRANDON     And we're here on the dead side with the new years crowd!  They start a week early, since they know it'll take 'em that long to arrive!  Whoo!  ARIA     And the hottest thing this year is head swaps!  BRANDON     [prompting, not really questioning] Head swaps, Aria? ARIA     That's right, Brandon!  You know how zombies can cut off and attach body parts?  They recently discovered that they can swap heads!  They say it's totally the ultimate! BRANDON     Unless they sew it on backwards!  Man, that would be a pain in the ass! ARIA     Yeah, but at least you could see your ass! BOTH     [LAUGH] MUSIC CHAMBERS     Where's security when you need them? JUNE     I just called them, sir.  Apparently, they've had a number of ...insurrections. DILL     Must be how she slipped by.  JACKIE     You won't get anything from me! PLASMUS     I suppose you two will have to take her to the security office for detention. FRED     Gotcha. JUNE     Oh, me?  Oh all right. SOUND      SHE CROSSES JUNE     What was it she was looking at, anyway?  [horrified gasp!] PLASMUS     What's wrong? JUNE     [too quick, very nervous] Nothing!  I just thought it - he - it - moved. PLASMUS     Nonsense.  I haven't even woken the unit yet.  Get along. JUNE     [still nervous] Yes, yes of course!  Come on! FRED     What's wrong? JUNE     [growl] Post traumatic stress!  Get moving! SOUND     THEY LEAVE PLASMUS     Some people simply cannot handle pressure.  Come have a look at my human automaton. CHAMBERS     [slightly suspicious] He looks ... fresh.  DILL     Nice physique! CHAMBERS     You didn't - uh - kill him, did you, doc? PLASMUS     [laughs flatly] No.  He was killed in a car wreck, this afternoon.  His legs sustained some damage, but mostly superficial, and his head was completely severed.  CHAMBERS     How did you get him so quickly?  The notice to the family won't even go through-- PLASMUS     [pissed]  I could not wait for petty family concerns when this perfect specimen fell into my very lap!  And he is perfect!  DILL     Ew. PLASMUS     So I snatched him out of the hospital upstairs.  Besides.  He is an organ donor.  MUSIC INSURANCE     Do you wonder about your insurance coverage?  Concerned that you may some day cease to be human, and therefore void your policy?  We here at Practical Undead National Trust can fix that for you.  For only a few dollars a day, you, too, can have coverage that extends beyond the expiration of the body. MUSIC SOUND     HALLWAY, DOOR SHUTS, FOOTSTEPS FRED     Whew.  Should we go back, do you think? JUNE     [still bothered] I - I don't know. FRED     OK, what's going on? JUNE     Oh, Fred!  This is horrible! FRED     It was just a gun.  I don't think she would have shot either of us anyway. JUNE     Not that. FRED     Then what? JUNE     That body back in the lab?  That perfectly sculpted torso?  Did you see that tattoo on the shoulder? FRED     Not my type.  Sorry. JUNE     [very important and horrible] THAT was‑‑ [cut off with a gasp] SOUND     DOOR OPENS MUSIC LANDON     [outside, loud over background noise] You would think this was a prime place for ambulates - garbage reclamation.  SOUND      CRUNCHING EQUIPMENT LANDON     They don't mind bad smells, can't catch diseases -- and yet, most of the workers hired on at this particular municipal tip don't stay.  Let's find out why. MUSIC CHAMBERS     [gritted teeth] What do we do if there's a lawsuit? PLASMUS     [shrug] If they push it, there is an incinerator in the basement, and as long as we first remove the computer unit, the organic evidence could be reduced to ashes in a matter of hours. CHAMBERS     [annoyed, but not knowing] Do you even know who this person - corpse - is? PLASMUS     [shrug]  I read the driver's license.  Why? DILL     [confident] We'll fabricate records.  Show it was cremated by mistake.  Apologize.  Give the widow some ashes and a check. CHAMBERS     Sounds like you've done this before. DILL     [smug] Things... happen.  MUSIC BOB     Come on down to Big Bob's bob-o-rama for the finest in pre-owed ambulates!  We have 'em all from this big brute for heavy lifting-- ZOMBIE     [deep moan] BOB     To this hot little number, [hinting] nice for in-house work. GIRL ZOMBIE     [sexy moan?] BOB     Come on down this weekend, and my own gramma, an ambulate herself, will be here with her special milk and cookies!  Trade-ins are always given full greybook value. MUSIC NURSE     I'm so sorry.  There's been a little mixup.  He's... um... missing. PAMELA     [low snarl] As god is my witness, if my husband's body turns up somewhere - anywhere - on a celebrity zombie show, I will personally sue you, the hospital, Tammuz, and anyone else our lawyers can think of! NURSE     But I-- DOCTOR     What seems to be the problem? PAMELA     Are you the person I should be screaming at? DOCTOR     Well, I don't know about that-- PAMELA     Then you best point me at the right one, since some screaming is well overdue. DOCTOR     Just tell me - calmly - what this is about. NURSE     It's her husband. PAMELA     My husband's BODY, you mean!  [starting to move from anger into tears] I was informed of his accident, that he was declared [suppressed sob] dead at the scene, and when I come to claim him... [deep breath, furious snarl]  He's missing. NURSE     I'm sure it's just a paperwork snafu. PAMELA     AND I know how some of you bastards are about selling celebrity corpses!  Don't think you can pull that crap on me! DOCTOR     Celebrity?  What was -uh, is - your husband's name? MUSIC SOUND     ZOMBIE MOAN LANDON     This fucking pisses me off no end - look at that poor bastard. SOUND     ZOMBIE MOAN LANDON     Look at this hand.  Three fingers gone, from a bloody hazardous environment.  [up]  They may not be human any more, but you sons-of-bitches still have to look after these beggars! MUSIC JUNE     Landon Frost! FRED     What? JUNE     I swear it was!  It's the snowflake on his shoulder.  He got it for his wife! FRED     Oh.  That can't be good.  Should we ... tell them? JUNE     Well...he IS dead.  Nothing'll change that. SOUND     DOOR OPENS, MANY FEET COME STORMING IN PAMELA     I already have Landon's private security at all your exits, and will personally go through each and every room until I find him - so you might as well hand him over. DOCTOR     But, but.. PAMELA     First, you are taking Big bill, here, and I down to your bloody incinerator -and don't try to tell me you don't have one. DOCTOR     Why? PAMELA     So no one has access to destroy the [falters] the ...evidence. SOUND     DOOR OPENS, THEY PASS OUT AGAIN FRED     Is that--? JUNE     [fatalistic] Oh boy! MUSIC LECTURER     We must stop treating ambulates as objects and start treating them as people - people very nearly like you and me.  With a bit of practice, anyone can speak clearly and slowly enough for a zombie to pick up on it.  SOUND     ZOMBIE MOAN LECTURER     If we could only follow the moans and groans of a group of zombies, I'm sure complete and fascinating conversations are going on, right under our disinterested human noses. MUSIC DILL     [on phone]  So soon?  Well, I guess we move on to plan B. [pause] She is? [upset] oh. SOUND     PHONE DOWN CHAMBERS     What is it? DILL     I - they-- PLASMUS     Quiet, please!  Time to turn it on! DILL     This may actually be a very bad... thing SOUND     A COUPLE OF ZAPS SOUND     RUSTLE CHAMBERS     Is that it? PLASMUS     Do you need me to shout "it's alive"? LANDON     [computer noise, not quite speech] DILL     Ohhhh boy. CHAMBERS     Does that thing make it able to talk? LANDON     [machine, more gobbledygook] PLASMUS     Ambulates have always been able to talk.  They simply operate on a much slower scale than we do.  It is something about the brain synapses, the ambi-twist simply cannot get them back to normal speed. DILL     [prompt] They're how much slower than humans? PLASMUS     I said not to do that. DILL     I was just asking,.  Really. PLASMUS     They operate somewhere between 20 and 50% slower than humans.  That is why they have to be spoken to slowly. LANDON     [machine] Fuck you! PLASMUS     [chuckles] Or not. DILL     [gasp] Is it supposed to do that? CHAMBERS     I thought you said that removing the head should negate the personality. PLASMUS     I'm sure it is just something programmed in.  My computer expert has quite a sense of humor. LANDON     [machine]  What the hell is going on? PLASMUS     [worried now] Or... not. DILL     This was supposed to make it docile!  CHAMBERS     At least the thing is tied down. SOUND     RIP OF RESTRAINTS PLASMUS     [frightened] Or... not! MUSIC TEACHER     Turn to page 40.  The chapter on the ambi-twist.  Amy, will you start? [grade school students, who read more or less well] AMY     The ambi-twist was a genetic modification first pioneered by Tammuz Corporation. BOBBY     With the best of intentions, this benevolent corporation was trying to help people. CORA     To overcome the issues with tissue rejection and make transplants one hundred percent successful. DESMOND     But the ambi-twist went a bit awry. [after a pause] ELLIE     [whispered] You have to read more. DESMOND     nuh-uh.  Not my fault it's a short sentence. ELLIE     Fine!  [ahem]  The ambi-twist altered the genetic makeup of the intended cells, yes, but it did not stop there, instead running amok through the entire body and giving the cells a life of their own. FRANK     Most of the population now carries the ambi-twist virus, which has little to no effect on them ... during their lifetime. DESMOND     [spooky noise] ooo-OO-oo EVERYONE     [joking zombie groans] MUSIC NOTE     LANDON IS COMPUTERIZED FROM HERE ON OUT LANDON     Why so gob-smacked?  Where the fuck am I? SOUND     THUMP GETTING OUT OF BED, FOOTSTEPS PLASMUS     This is very bad.  DILL     It's coming over.  Let me guess, it can see and hear through the computer unit too? PLASMUS     [wry]  Of course.  What use is a unit that bumps into walls and can't follow orders? LANDON     Is anyone planning to answer me? CHAMBERS     Look, you.  You've died and are now property.  Just lay back and shut up. DILL     Oh boy. LANDON     No, you look here, you lump of festering dog turd!  If I were dead, and I don't believe it for a minute - I have very specific contingencies in my will.  PLASMUS     [chuckles] Speaking of contingencies-- SOUND     SHOTGUN RACKING PLASMUS     I would call this experiment a conditional success. SOUND     SHOTGUN BLAST MUSIC HUSHED MC     And the ambulate "Gracie's darling" is now approaching the steps.  This is a level three hazard, since it typically takes an ambulate several tries.  Oh!  She's on the first step!  Very nicely corrected a stumble and managed to stick the second step.  Ah, but she's faltering -- Momentum can only carry one SO far, and this is where balance truly comes into play.  [gareth bowley] MUSIC SOUND     DOOR SLAMS SHUT CHAMBERS     Holy cow! PLASMUS     [gleeful] Did you see how fast it was? DILL     You mean when it walked off with your shotgun?  I thought we were done for! CHAMBERS     Looked like it nearly took your hand off, too. PLASMUS     [dismissive] It's broken,  It's fine.  [up] We must follow it! CHAMBERS     Get security on all the doors! DILL     On it. PLASMUS     Try not to hurt it! CHAMBERS     Belay that order.  Take that thing down at all costs.  And definitely before it leaves the building! MUSIC SURVIVALIST1     I don't care how many times they take this feed down and report me - I ain't gonna stand by and let them goddamn walking dead take over.  Since every one of us as dies turns into one of them, ain't no way we can keep ahead unless we thin the herd a bit.  SURVIVALIST2     Hell yeah.  Now on the chart behind me, you see a human-- SURVIVALIST1     or zombie-- SURVIVALIST2     right, "or zombie," body with various areas marked in red.  Those are your standard  targets, right there.  The head is, of course, the primary, since the bastards won't stop walking without that being gone. SURVIVALIST1     Even that don't put 'em down right away, but if you can get it GONE-- SURVIVALIST2     Sure is funny to watch them bump into walls, in't it? BOTH     [laugh] MUSIC AMB     HALLWAY SOUND     ALARMS, RUNNING FEET IN DISTANCE JUNE     Why do I suddenly feel like a job change? FRED     I'll help with the resume.  Let's scat.  SOUND     RUNNING FEET APPROACH JUNE     Oh shit! [dragging him out of the way] Over here! LANDON     Run, you little buggers!  I'll blow your fucking pop stand wide open!  FRED     Holy crap! JUNE     Ssh!  Maybe it won't notice us! LANDON     What are you looking at? FRED     Too late! JUNE     Please don't hurt us! LANDON     Hurt?  HURT?  I'm going to ruin you snotty little gits! FRED     Ruin, I can live with. SECURITY     Stop right there! SOUND     ASSORTED ZOMBIE MOANS JUNE     Sock troops! LANDON     [machine] Is this some kind of a sick joke?  Turning THEM against ME? SECURITY     Lay down the weapon and come along quietly, Top Hat. FRED     Top hat?  What is he, a Batman villain? MUSIC MOVIE ANNOUNCER     He was a normal boring man. NORMAL MAN     Hey honey - be late tonight. MOVIE ANNOUNCER     With a normal boring Life. NORMAL MAN     Yes, sir, I can get that done for you this afternoon. MOVIE ANNOUNCER     Until the day he died. NORMAL MAN     Excuse me - I feel - my chest - urk. SOUND     THUMP, DROP PHONE, ERROR TONE MOVIE ANNOUNCER     Now he was to work his way back to the top, against all odds... Coming soon-- NORMAL MAN     [zombie moan] MOVIE ANNOUNCER     --A NORMAL MAN starring Justin Bieber and an undead Jim Carrey. MUSIC JUNE     [up, yelling] We're not with him! LANDON     Toady. JUNE     We DO work at Tammuz. LANDON     This is Tammuz? SECURITY     You have a count of 5 to put down the shotgun.  ONE. [continues] TWO. THREE. FOUR. FRED     Haven't you noticed the logo everywhere? LANDON     My vision is ... strange.  [musing]  Tammuz.  The one place I could never get into... FRED     Not surprising. SECURITY     FIVE!  Get him! JUNE     They won't shoot in here - too many things  might blow up.  LANDON     What?  Helping me? JUNE     I love - loved your show. LANDON     Don't be surprised if I'm back on the air soon. SOUND     HIGH PITCHED WHISTLE FRED     Ow! JUNE     What the heck? SECURITY     I said get him, you maggoty turds!  Why are you stopping? LANDON     huh.  Funny how I knew to do that. MUSIC NOTE     Ad also plays, under, at very slow speed - for the ambulates watching. EDNA     Edna's chum on the go!  Whenever you're out and about, and no time to get home and feed the ambulate in your life, drop round to Edna's Chum.  We have the best quality, tastiest chum around - hot and fresh, just like mother might have made.  Available for dine-in, drive through and even delivery!  MUSIC PLASMUS     They have him cornered in sector five, west corridor!  Checkpoint X-14.  I must reclaim the unit after they take the body down. SOUND     PHONE RINGS DILL     I'll catch up.  You guys go on ahead. CHAMBERS     Hah!  You're not weaseling out that easily. DILL     One sec [to phone] Yeah?  Oh brilliant.  That's just the cherry on top. SOUND     HANGS UP CELL DILL     [annoyed] Guess what? PLASMUS     [threat] I have a taser here somewhere-- DILL     Okay! Okay!  There's a woman upstairs demanding her husband's body.  And because this night isn't deep enough in the shit, I have a feeling she's related to-- CHAMBERS     Oh IS she?  [chuckles]  We might be seeing daylight.  Come on. MUSIC NIGERIAN SCAM     With reverence I am contacting you.  I hope you will overlook my poor typistry.  I am a recently deceased individual that managed to conceal a large sum of money before joining rank one of the walking dead.  MUSIC SECURITY     Tell me you saw that, too. FRED     You mean how he just, like, whistled and all the zombies trotted off after him like the pied piper of Hamlet? JUNE     Hamlin. SECURITY     Yeah, that.  Good.  Now when I make my report, you two can back me up. FRED     Oh, uh-- We were actually leaving. SECURITY     I don't think so. JUNE     Not Leaving leaving.  We have to get back to our -uh- posts. SECURITY     That's different.  I'll give you an escort. FRED     Oh, boy. SOUND      DISTANT FOOTSTEPS PAMELA     You!  You there!  I want a word with you! FRED     Us? JUNE     Him.  you. SECURITY     Oh, me.  Yes ma'am? PAMELA     You look like someone in charge here.  You will tell me where my husband's body is! JUNE     Oh that.  He went thataway. PAMELA     WHAT? MUSIC ZOMBIE LIB     If you can understand this, you are one of us, my zombie brother or sister.  Come to the house with three crescent moons over the door, and we will guide you safely to our side of the wall.  Liberty for all! MUSIC SOUND     SHOTGUN SHOT INTO CEILING LANDON     I'm done fucking around.  You let us past, or the next shot brings you to OUR bloody side! COP     I can't!  I-- the door is on autolock!  Please, uh, mister - I got a wife and kids-- LANDON     You stupid little shit!  I have - had a wife to, but whatever genius did this-- PAMELA     [off a bit] Landon? LANDON     Oh my god.  Pamela? PAMELA     What did they-- [more concerned than panic] your head! LANDON     It's some insane experiment.  I'm dead. PAMELA     You can still see and hear me?  [wonder]  But you're not slowed? LANDON     Yes, I-- [REMEMBER STUPID ZOMBIE DOG ALL THIS TIME] COP     Sorry, sir, but I have to-- SOUND     SHOT ZOMBIEDOG     Leaps in the way of the bullet, body drops and hat goes flying, COP     Oh, shit. LANDON     Give me a minute, dear. PAMELA     [furious] Give me your gun. LANDON     No need. SOUND     WHISTLE ZOMBIES     [attack] COP     I was - I didn't - oh! LANDON     Poor stupid animal.  PAMELA     If not for that thing, you'd be dead. LANDON     I'll take this. SOUND     PICKS UP TOP HAT CHAMBERS     [coming in]  No, we'll take that.  Both of them, in fact. MUSIC ZOMBIE MAN     Look at me.  Now look at your zombie.  Now look back at me.  Your zombie will never look as good as me, but it can smell as good as me, with special deodorant soap from--[danar?] MUSIC FRED     [quiet] back away, quietly. JUNE     [quiet] If we can just get past the corner... LANDON     Who the fuck do you think you are? FRED     Helps that he's keeping their attention. CHAMBERS     We're the owners of that gadget you're currently wearing, and we want it back.  YOU, on the other hand, are expendable. LANDON     And you think I'm afraid of your gun?  If anyone knows how durable the undead are, I should bloody well think it was me. FRED     [quiet] I'm clear! JUNE     Just a bit more... SOUND     GUNSHOT CHAMBERS     The next one goes into HER. JUNE     [off] Her?  [gasp, then relieved] Oh - her - his wife. LANDON     You wouldn't. PLASMUS     You might want to consider-- CHAMBERS     Shut up - this is all your fault anyway. PLASMUS     But-- LANDON     Get behind me, dearest. PAMELA     He can't be mad enough to shoot me! CHAMBERS     Oh, I'm flipping furious, lady!  LANDON     She doesn’t mean that kind of "MAD", you festering moronic baboon! MUSIC INTERVIEWER     We have an interview with someone actually on the scene.  What precisely was going on? JUNE     It was pandemonium!  The ambulates were just walking away after the ... uh, stranger. Interviewer     Like the pied piper of hamlin? JUNE     Or like spartacus. FRED     And when Mr. Chambers - I mean the defendant - shot Mrs. Frost-- JUNE     We're not supposed to talk about that! FRED     That's why they're pixilating our faces, isn't it? JUNE     That's next week's interveiw - this one is live! FRED     Oh shit.  Oh! INTERVIEWER     Now that you've started, you might as well finish.  What happened next? JUNE     [exasperated sigh] There goes our exclusive! MUSIC SOUND     GUNSHOT LANDON     Bastards! SOUND     HIGH PITCHED WHISTLE SOUND     ZOMBIE MOANS IN RESPONSE LANDON     [snarl] Bring me THAT one! PLASMUS     Which?  Oh! CHAMBERS     Stay back! PAMELA     [expiring]  Landon?  It hurts! LANDON     Hold on, dearest.  Keep breathing.  SOUND     GUNSHOT SOUND     ZOMBIE MOANS CHAMBERS     Get out of my way, you maggots! FRED     Come ON, June! JUNE     I have to see how it ends! SOUND     GUN SHOT JUNE     [gasp]  Or not! SOUND     ZOMBIES MOAN PLASMUS     Let go! don't touch me!  Ew!  Does anyone have some purell? PAMELA     [very weak]  Landon?  What- [gasp] what are you thinking? LANDON     Is it hard to implant the top hat device? PLASMUS     It's quite simple really - the connections are made remotely inside the wiring, so the longer it is on, the more enmeshed the interfaces become-- LANDON     Take this. SOUND     CLANG OF DOG'S UNIT PLASMUS     What do you--?  [realizing] Oh. MUSIC INTERVIEWER     But the zombies didn't harm Mr. Chambers? JUNE     He wanted - Landon wanted for him to stand in a human court for trial.  FRED     He said something about rotting in hell, but his accent was getting really thick. JUNE     He was crying! FRED     He's a computer.  I mean, the voice, at least, is computerized.  Why would it get choked up? INTERVIEWER     [to camera] Even now, Chambers is standing trial for the murder of Mrs. Pamela Frost.  While the videographic evidence is very convincing, the lack of an actual body has been a point hammered on by the defense. MUSIC SOUND     CRACKLE of STATIC, THEN FOCUS SOUND     [both are clearly computerized] LANDON     Can't broadcast too long, don't want you to trace us. PAMELA     We want to reach out to everyone who has been affected by the blight that is Tammuz. LANDON     Know this - relief is coming soon.  For now, just walk away, wherever you are.  We'll find you. PAMELA     And Merry Christmas, everyone. SOUND     HIGH PITCHED WHISTLE SOUND     ZOMBIE MOANS FILL SOUNDSCAPE END

With a city manager (much like alexa/amazon prime - it delivers anything ordered) handling all New York City's needs, how can things go wrong?   oh, and it's Julie's birthday...

Ben and Mia, young zombies in love, search for the perfect xmas present in a world of the walking dead.    Cast List Mia - Brenda Dau Ben - Derek M. Koch                 of Mail Order Zombie Geek - Glen Hallstrom Tick - Frankenvox Chuck - Bob Noble Andy - Reynaud LeBoeuf Doris - Julie Hoverson Sheri - Crystal Thomson Ted - J. Spyder Isaacson Voicebox - Beverly Poole Fred & Bob - Big Anklevich           & Rish Outfield           of Dunesteef Audio Magazine Ben's Double - Danar Hoverson Mia's Double - Julie Hoverson Other zombies:  Al Aseoche, Jacquie Duckworth, Reynaud LeBoeuf, Jack Hosley, Sidney Williams, Glen Hallstrom, Bob Noble, Brian Weingartner, Ferguson and family, Robyn Keyes, Kim Poole, Michael Hudson. Music by Jason Shaw (Audionautix.com) Show theme:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it? Why it's an apartment on the wrong side of town, can't you tell?" ******************************************************************************************** GIFT OF THE ZOMBI   Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] Mia, zombie (20s) dating Ben Ben, zombie (20s) dating Mia Ted, zombie (30s), Mia's horny neighbor Andy, henpecked zombie (40s) Doris, Andy's wife (40s) Geek, a broker (30s) Sheri, a lovelorn friend (20s) Tick, an unscrupulous intact (human, 30s) Fred, a zombie (any) Bob, another zombie (any) Chuck, overseer zombie (any) Voicebox - mechanical translator   ALL ZOMBIES (unless noted as exceptions, below) have dual vocal tracks - the "zombie-voice" track, which is unintelligible, but vaguely mirrors the normal voice and events, and the "mind voice" (sounds like a voiceover), which is how they sound to each other.  /n = normal"mind voice" /z = "zombie voice" There are places where we only hear the zoombie voice.   Exceptions:  DORIS has no "mind voice", just incoherent shrieks GEEK only has a zombie voice, but he is clearly understandable, if still zombie-like TICK is human, and has no zombie-voice.   NOTE:  The zombie apocalypse has come and been dealt with more or less.  Zombies might still attack humans, if they see them, but humans tend to live in the walled cities and have become somewhat mythological to the zombies outside.  Zombies still are self-aware, but they think and speak so very slowly that they are difficult for humans to understand.  Conversely, to a zombie, humans seem to speak incredibly fast - almost incomprehensibly so.  That's why humans developed the voicebox to take what they say and slow it down enough for a zombie to understand. OLIVIA      Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a crumbling apartment building, can't you tell?  MUSIC SCENE 1.     MIA'S APARTMENT SOUND      WIND-UP ALARM GOES OFF SOUND     FLIES IN THE B/G THROUGHOUT MIA/Z     [distant moan of awakening, which continues, sporadically,  punctuating the narrative] MIA/n     I hate Mondays.  SOUND     ALARM SLAPPED OFF TABLE, STOPS RINGING SOUND     STUMBLING FOOTSTEPS MUSIC     VAGUE WARPED CHRISTMAS CAROL PLAYS SOMEWHERE MIA/n     It doesn’t help that it's two days til Christmas and I haven’t got Ben his present. MIA/z     [roar of anger] SOUND      SOMETHING CRASHES TO FLOOR, GLASS BREAKS. MIA/N     The holidays just bring out the worst in me. SOUND     DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE MIA/N     [sigh] Checking my stitches in the mirror - nice to see nothing weird happened in the night.  I love the hot pink against my pale skin.  [beat] I know I'm swimming against the tide, but I still like to look nice, even when no one else gives a hang.  They're welcome to run around unwashed, in raggedy-ass clothes, just leaves more Prada for me. SOUND     SPRAY CAN PSSHT, FLIES STOP, TINY DROPPING NOISES MIA/n     A little spray - no water, that's just asking for mold - and I'm ready to face the day. SOUND     [under the next] SHAMBLING FOOTSTEPS OUT OF BATHROOM AGAIN, STRUGGLES FEET INTO SHOES, NOW SHAMBLING FEET ARE IN HEELS.  MIA/n     Ben's gift is the big problem.  I know what I want to get him, but it won't come cheap.  There just aren't that many floating around out there. MUSIC       SCENE 2.     OUTSIDE SOUND     NO TRAFFIC. JUST BIRDS, SHAMBLING FOOTSTEPS, OR OCCASIONAL BREAKING THINGS. SOUND     STRUGGLE WITH OBJECTS, THINGS FALL AWAY BEN/z     [moans, fighting his way to his feet] BEN/n     [hungover sounding] Wow, what did I do last night?  BEN/z     [shake head noise] BEN/n     Oh, crap - Mia'll be expecting me-- SOUND     SHAMBLING FEET SPEED UP BEN/n     For all her persnickityness, Mia is totally the greatest babe around, and I am sooo lucky that I'm the one she's into.  I figured for the longest time that she was just slumming with a grot like me - right up until we really did it.  Went whole hog and did the handfast.  It's like always having a piece of her with me.  [note:  in this case, the handfast was actually trading hands.  zombies can buy and sell body parts and trade them with one another] ANDY/z     [morning] BEN/z     [yo!  How's it going?] ANDY/z     [falling moan, ending in a squeal] BEN/n     Don't I know it!  Man, if ever a guy was whipped, Andy is the poster boy.  He's gonna catch hell for not getting home to Doris last night.  Almost tempting to stay and see the fray, but meeting Mia is the only thing on my maggoty little mind right now. MUSIC   SCENE 3.     MIA'S STAIRCASE SOUND     BODY FALLS DOWN STAIRS, FOLLOWED BY THE CLATTER OF A SHOE. MIA/z     [distraught moan] MIA/n     Darn stair carpet.  Darn heels.  SOUND     FEELING AROUND FOR THE SHOE AND PUTTING IT BACK ON MIA/n     Alas, vanity doesn't come cheap.  Ben loves my little foibles.  He understands why it matters so much to me, to be beautiful for him.  Looking back at my pink stitches, almost tripping as I crane my neck to see, I wonder whether he will like them as much as I do. SOUND     SHAMBLING FEET IN HEELS AGAIN, ANOTHER SET OF FEET COMES ON TED/z     [moan approaches, vaguely suggestive] MIA/z     [dismissive moan] MIA/n     Not today, Ted.  I don't have time for any of your nonsense. TED/z     [moan ending in a squeak/question] MIA/n     I'm with Ben, Ted.  You know that.  I'm not giving up what I have with him.  He has my hand, and my promise.  He even has my heart ... just in the old-fashioned way. TED/z     [mournful and pissed moan] MIA/n     Yeah, yeah, yeah - if you were the last one on earth, maybe. MIA/z     [roar/moan as she brushes him aside] SOUND     STUMBLING FEET QUICKLY TO DOOR, SLAMS OPEN, TUMBLES THROUGH MIA/z     [roar of triumph] MIA/N     First time!! [made it on the first try!]  This is gonna be a great day! MUSIC   SCENE 4.     OUTSIDE, NEAR BEN ANDY/z     [cursing groan] ANDY/n     Come on, Ben.  Doris likes you!  If I say you needed my help, she'll buy it! BEN/z     [dismissive groan] SOUND     SHAMBLING FEET MOVING AWAY, STUMBLING AFTER ANDY/z     [dude] ANDY/N     Dude!  Come on-- DORIS/z     [distant strident squeal] ANDY/n     Oh, crap! SOUND     SOMETHING WET SPLATS ON PAVEMENT, THEN DISTANT FEET APPROACHING ANDY/z     [strange gurgling warble] ANDY/n     [sigh] I lose more tongues that way. DORIS/z     [strident squeal, closer] MUSIC   SCENE 5.     OUTSIDE NEAR MIA'S BUILDING SOUND     HIGH HEEL SHAMBLE MIA/z     [low moan] GEEK/z     [he speaks clear enough to understand, but still zombie-like] [hey, fingers!] MIA/z     [quizzical] MIA/n     Yeah, what's it to you? GEEK/z     [you got any to spare?] MIA/n     No!  I like mine right where they are. GEEK/z     [get you a good price.  Fingers are always top value.] MIA/z     [sharp moan of anger] MIA/n     Look - these five are my boyfriend's, and this one says-- MIA/z     [fuck you] GEEK/z     [you'll be back [louder] they always come back!!] MIA/n     Damn parts brokers - [jealous] always have the best tongues. MUSIC   SCENE 6.     OUTSIDE, ELSEWHERE [note:  throughout the rest of the show, unless otherwise noted, appropriate zombie noises play under] MIA     [calling]  Hey babycakes! BEN     [off]  Yo sweet thang! SOUND     PLODDING FOOTSTEPS COME TOGETHER MIA     Mm.  Missed you! BEN     Double that. SOUND     DISGUSTING SLOPPY LICKY KISSY NOISES MIA     [mild slurp, then hot]  You are such a good kisser.  BEN     Don't know how I'd get up each day without you to look forward to. MIA     [giggles]  BEN     Let's walk.  Want to show you something. MIA     Oh?  Well, I've got a little time before hitting the old treadmill. BEN     You know I'd support you if I could-- MIA     I like looking after my own needs.  [flirting] Leaves you to look after my wants. BEN     Ooh! MUSIC   SCENE 7.     OUTSIDE, NEAR STORE SOUND     PLODDING FEET MIA     I should have worn more convenient shoes. BEN     Sorry!  Almost there. MIA     What is...it...?  [awe]  Oh! BEN     I thought you might say that.  Just saw them.  Of course, they're not cheap. MIA     [drooling -- zombie noises under get really slobbery] Patent leather, thigh high - oh, I'd never have to take them off! BEN     The heels aren't too high, are they? MIA     [sigh of ecstasy]  I love stacks... MUSIC   SCENE 8.     OUTSIDE, Later BEN     [bummed] I was right, she loved the boots. ANDY     And how much did you say they were? BEN     More than I've had in living memory. ANDY     At any one time? BEN     EVER.  ANDY     Woah.  Well, suppose you can hit the mills like the rest of us schmoes - if you're truly that desperate. BEN     [scoff noise]  The mills?  It'd take me ten years - and they'd probably sell by then. ANDY     What, then?  Go out snatching?  That's pretty much your only other option. BEN     [sighs]  I thought I might ask around, see what I could borrow-- ANDY     Woah, there!  You know Doris holds the purse strings! BEN     If I was going to snatch anyone, I'd snatch her - she's got enough body for three. ANDY     [musing] You know...  That's not a bad idea. BEN     [disturbed] Serious? ANDY     Nah.  I'd fall apart without her keeping me moving.  I guess that's love. BEN     [agreeing hmph] MUSIC   SCENE 9.     TREADMILLS SOUND     HEAVY WHIRRING NOISE UNDER.  DISTANT NORMAL STREET SOUNDS MIA     Hey! OTHER ZOMBIES     [Morning!] [nice to see you!] [Mia!  Looking good!] SOUND     MANY PLODDING FEET MIA     Hey Chuck!  Got a space? CHUCK     For you?  Always, babe.  Wanna lose the heels first? MIA     Brought my work shoes.  Just need a moment at the bench. CHUCK     I'd offer to help, but...[chuckles]  Thank god for velcro, eh? MIA     Hah!  I have all my fingers. CHUCK     [chuckles] Coulda fooled me - [teasing] That looks like your fellow's hand...? MIA     [chuckles]  Jealous? MUSIC   SCENE 10.     OUTSIDE, ELSEWHERE [note - Ben has zombie noises under, geek does not - he always sounds like a zombie trying to talk] GEEK     [Psst.] BEN     What? GEEK     [heard you were having some money troubles.] BEN     What's it to you? GEEK     [I might be able to help you with that.] BEN     I don't think so.  I don't have anything I feel like selling. GEEK     [You got some extra fingers.  An entire hand that looks... spare] BEN     No way. Man!  That's - that's Mia's hand!  I should smack you with it just for suggesting that! GEEK     [Hey!  I don't want no trouble!  I'm just a businessman!] BEN     [spits out the word] Businessman.  You're a parts broker.  GEEK     [Yeah, and we both know you come to me when you need something, then you spit on me when I try to help you out.] SOUND     SHUFFLING FEET START TO LEAVE BEN     Wait. GEEK     [what?] BEN     What - what's in high demand? GEEK     [What?] BEN     I mean, if I was... going to sell something ...just if... what would you be [reluctant, forcing the words out] paying the best prices for? GEEK     [[chuckles] See?  When you need me--] BEN     Cut the crap and tell me. GEEK     [Appendages are always good.  Fingers, noses, ears.  And soft parts, like tongues and, uh.... [suggestive] you know.]  BEN     [gulp] GEEK     [Toes not so much - most just get by without - unless you have a complete foot somewhere - those are collectible, but only in pristine condition.  Eyes are pretty good, and you hardly need two.]  BEN     What about parts that - aren't mine? GEEK     [Stolen parts?  What makes you think I trade dirty?] BEN     Your type always does. GEEK     [[pissed again] My type?  My type?  I think you just talked yourself out of a good deal, pal.] BEN     Shit, I-- GEEK     [incoherent roar, as he leaves] MUSIC   SCENE 11.     TREADMILL AMB - underlying zombies moans, many many plodding feet MIA     [no specific moaning for this speech] Being on the treadmill gives you plenty of time to think.  You stare at the back of the guy in front of you and wonder what's going through his head.  Ben doesn't like the nine to five, but I figure - heck, you gotta do something, and if you feel the urge to walk, might as well get paid for it, right? SOUND     SOMEONE CLIMBS ON THE TREADMILL [vocals have zombie noises under again] TED     Hey Mia! MIA     [sigh] Hi Ted. TED     Funny running into you here.  Shove over? MIA     Right.  Like I don't do this every day.  No room. SHERI     Hey Mia! [warm] Hey Ted. TED     [dismissive] Sheri. [wheedling] Come on, Mia, squeeze in a little.  There's space next to you if you make room. MIA     Sorry, Ted [she's not].  Been saving that for... Sheri. SHERI     Huh? TED     Sheri won't mind - will you? SHERI     I - I guess not... MIA     Oh, no Ted.  We have girl talking to do.  Bye-bye.  Hop up Sheri. TED     Fine.  See you at end of shift? MIA     [muttered] Not if I see you first.  SOUND     TED FLOPS OFF MIA     [up]  I don't know what you see in him, Sher. SHERI     Neither do I.  Pheromones I guess. MIA     Well, he does smell. SHERI     [on an ecstatic sigh] Yes. MIA     [ugh]  Hey, Sher, I gotta problem. SHERI     Oh?  [horrified] You didn't... break up with Ben? MIA     No!  Why would you say that? SHERI     Nothing. MIA     Did you hear something, or are you just worried that Ted might somehow luck out and catch me on the rebound? SHERI     Um.  The second one. MIA     Kinda thought so.  O-K, passing over your insecurity, can we discuss my problem? SHERI     [relieved] Sure! MIA     I found the perfect present for Ben, and I don't know how I'm gonna afford it.  SHERI     You mean...um...what you said he's missing? MIA     Yeah.  All his fleshy parts haven't lasted so well - I keep telling him that sleeping rough isn't good for him, but he hates being cooped up.  Says being nibbled on by rats is preferable to a cage. SHERI     You live in a cage? MIA     He means an apartment.  SHERI     Oh.  Well, I'm sure he looks fine without one.  You see plenty of missing ones out there every day. [NOTE:  they're discussing noses, but it makes it sound like something more suggestive] MIA     I know, but he would - well, from things he's said, he would actually LIKE one.  Make him feel like a new man.  I thought I might get him one of those artificial ones - you know, cast in plastic?  In a skin tone, though - not one of those weird colored ones. SHERI     They're all the rage with the trendoids these days, the neon ones.  I guess they figure if it's gonna look fakey, might as well make a statement.  And some of them get freakishly big. MIA     Well, I found a place to get something real high quality.  Won't look fake at all.  They'll even tint it to match his skin.  And it won't rot or fall off.  Guaranteed to last.  Not even a nibble. SHERI     It won't make him smell any better. MIA     No, but I get the feeling he would be more secure in our relationship if he - well - if he fit more the image he thinks I'd go for. SHERI     Someone with all their parts? MIA     Oh, heck.  I'd love Ben with or without any number of parts, but he seems to think I'd like him better if he actually had a nose. SHERI     [hmm]  I could maybe loan you a little-- MIA     No, this guy charges a bunch.  I'm actually tempted to sell a part or two - something I don't use, or not so much, you know? SHERI     Don't go there.  Starts out simple, a finger here, an ear there, and then - voila!  You end up checking people in at work like "Chuck, the torso" - stuck in admin cuz you got no limbs left.  Or worse - that guy who talks out his neck since he woke up one morning and his head was gone. MIA     [sigh] You're probably right.  MUSIC   SCENE 12.     OUTSIDE, ELSEWHERE AMB     SLIGHT ECHO - AND A DRIP SOMEWHERE SOUND     FLOPPY STEPS IN WATER [note     Tick speaks slowly and has no zombie echo, Ben sounds completely zombie - no voice over - for this scene TICK     You looking for me? BEN     [gasp] [what?] SOUND     STUMBLE FLOPPY STEPS IN WATER TICK     Don't bother - just stand still. BEN     [you're a - an intact?] TICK     And you're a dead lump of shit, but maybe we can help each other. BEN     [moan of acceptance] TICK     Good.  Now stay quiet while I tell you what we're doing here. BEN     [slurpy gasp] TICK     That's disgusting.  But I need a heap like you to front for me.  I have some... parts... to be disposed of, but I can't just wander into maggotville myself.  BEN     [Why me?] TICK     My source says you're tough and desperate.  And stupid. BEN     [stifled annoyed noise] TICK     So maybe he's wrong.  BEN     [I am desperate] TICK     [snort]  Fine.  Here's the deal - I don't give a flying fluck about your crappy corpse cash.  On the other hand, I like having folks - dead or alive - who owe me. BEN     [What you need from me?] TICK     I'll tell you when it comes up.  Right now, I just need this bag of ... parts to vanish.  BEN     [It's illegal.] TICK     [cajoling] They're nice and fresh.  [impatient] Fine.  Clock is ticking.  Tick tock.  Tick tock.  You even remember what "time" is, maggot? BEN     [It's almost Christmas.  [beat] I'll do it.] MUSIC   SCENE 13.     TREADMILL SOUND     TREADMILL, FEET PLODDING SHERI     You ever wonder what they do over there? MIA     [lost in a daze] Hmm?  Over the wall? SHERI      Yeah.  The [awed whisper] In-tacts? MIA     Don't know.  Don't care.  Except for when they come over here and drag off my friends, I say leave them alone.  SHERI     But you do believe in them, don't you? MIA     Believe in them?  What's to believe - we see them marching on the wall, and they're the ones who shell out for us to walk on this damn treadmill day and night.  They're as real as ... as... shoes.  SHERI     Some say we all came from in-tacts, way back when. MIA     [lightly sarcastic] Yes, and a wasp nest in your head is a sign of good luck and not just poor hygiene.  I swear Sheri, you'll believe anything. SHERI     You believe they carry people off, though? MIA     Well, yeah - we've all seen that.  They appear from nowhere, in those dark helmets and suits, and by the time you catch your breath, someone's vanished. SHERI     [awed] I saw one once. MIA     A kidnapping? SHERI     An in-tact. MIA     [half-teasing, half worried] You know, they say if you mentioned them three times, they'll appear out of thin air. SHERI     [agreeing, distant] They are really fast. MIA     [exasperated] Sheri!  Don't-- SHERI     I did, though!  I really saw one.  Not just in a suit and helmet like they usually are, but one right... up... close. MIA     [sighs, feels her pain]  Tell me about it? SHERI     It was a guy, I think, and the funny part is he looked so much like a regular person.  Just that he was so fast and he was - well - he had everything.  His skin was perfect, no holes or anything, and it was this warm rosy color.  I... yearned to touch him, but when I reached out, he turned and ran away.  MIA     [uncertain] That...must have been ....weird. SHERI     [almost teary] It was like I saw an angel, and it saw something horrible in me. MIA     Oh, Sheri-- SHERI     Maybe that's why Ted won't love me?  Because I'm horrible inside? MIA     Aw, Sheri.  [reassuring] We're all horrible inside.  And if anyone's seen an angel here and not realized it, Ted's the one.  He sees you every day and misses out every time he turns his back. SHERI     [sniff sniff] MUSIC   SCENE 14.     OUTSIDE, ELSEWHERE SOUND     BAG PASSED WITH A SQUISH GEEK     [you sure you don't want any of them?] BEN     [upset] I... don't need any girl parts, thanks. GEEK     [Squeamish?  All you had to do was lug a bunch of fresh merchandise here to my humble workshop.] BEN     I've never.... felt... they were so [disgusted] warm. GEEK     [Fresher just means it'll last longer.  Nothing more.  You want your pay or not?] BEN     [down] Yeah. MUSIC   SCENE 15.     TREADMILL SHERI     --you know that guy Sam I was dating? MIA     [worn down] Yeah? SHERI     And how he was always mouthing off about-- SOUND     WHISTLE, END OF SHIFT MIA     [heartfelt] Oh yesss!  What a relief! SHERI     [not getting it] Yeah!  Let's go somewhere - I was in the middle of telling you about Sam. MIA     [almost panicky] Nah, save it for next time - I have to meet up with Ben. SHERI     It's so great to have someone to talk to while we walk - Tomorrow, same time? MIA     [transparently lying] Sure!  Oh, no - wait - I promised I would do this thing with Ben tomorrow. SHERI     What thing? MIA     [panicky, trying to cover] You mean I didn't mention the thing? I--uh-- SOUND     DISTANT ZOMBIE NOISES AND SCREAMS SHERI     What the--? MIA     Come on! SOUND     SLOW PLODDING.  LARGE GROUP OF ZOMBIES GATHERING MUSIC   SCENE 16.     OUTSIDE, ELSEWHERE SOUND      SLOW PLODDING, ONE SET OF FEET ANDY     [distant] Ben!  Ben! BEN     [sigh] SOUND     PLODDING STOPS BEN     Yeah? SOUND     ANDY'S FEET APPROACH ANDY     [panicky] Ben, man, am I glad to see you - it's Doris!  Jeez, she slipped and I think something's broken! BEN     [muttered] Lucky you. [up] What do you mean? ANDY     Her leg - it snapped and now she can't get up!  What am I gonna do, Ben? BEN     Andy, Doris is such a-- ANDY     I know I know.  She gives me hell and treats me like a dog, but what can I do, Ben, I love her!  You gotta help me.  I'll do anything! BEN     Let me take a look. MUSIC   SCENE 17.     ALTERCATION SOUND     LOTS OF SHAMBLING FEET, MOANS MIA     What happened? SHERI     Where's everyone going? FRED     It's one of the overseers! MIA     An in-tact?  What happened? BOB     I seen the whole thing!  He fell off the wall and someone made a grab fer him! SHERI     Oh no! FRED     Oh, yeah!  He's somewhere in the middle of the dogpile there. MIA     Isn't anyone helping? BOB     What are you, some kind of pervert?  This is an [spits out the word] In-tact.  [excited] They're tearing him apart! MIA     We should get out of here! SHERI     B-but - They're gonna kill him! MIA     [sad] I know, and there's nothing we can do about it.  And we want to be out of here before they bring out the big guns. SOUND     DRAGGING, SHUFFLING AWAY FROM THE FRACAS SHERI     But what if he's that same one I saw before? MIA     By now - you probably wouldn't know him.  MUSIC   SCENE 18.     ANDY'S PLACE DORIS     [squeals piteously] BEN     Yep, that's a bad one.  Twisted all up like this. ANDY     Can't we do anything? BEN     I'm no reconstructor.  Maybe some duct tape and a stick? DORIS      [Squeals angrily] ANDY     He's just trying to help, honeybuunny. BEN     Yeah, chill honeybunny. DORIS     [squeals again, sort, sharp, warning.] ANDY     [quiet] You gotta help me, Ben - you're the only one I can turn to! BEN     Jeez Andy... [sigh]  You'll pay me back? ANDY     You know I'm good for it!  Soon as that leg's on, we'll both hit the treads every day til we cover it. BEN     [down] Sure.  I-- ANDY     Yes? BEN     [muttered] I didn't like the way it felt anyway.  [up] Here.  SOUND     PACKAGE CHANGES SLOPPY HANDS ANDY     What - is it? BEN     Enough to get her fixed up - you might go ahead and get her a new tongue while you're at it. ANDY     [very quiet] Oh.  No.  Let's not go completely overboard... MUSIC   SCENE 19.     OUTSIDE, LATER, TOGETHER SOUND     OUTSIDE. SHUFFLING FEET APPROACH MIA     There you are - I was beginning to worry. SOUND     BODY FALLS TO THE GROUND "ben relaxes" BEN     [oof, then] It's been a really... weird day. SOUND     BODY FALLS TO THE GROUND "mia relaxes" MIA     [oof, then agreeing] Tell me about it. BEN     [muttered] I would if I could. MIA     Hmm? BEN     Nah.  Doris broke her leg and Andy needed help with getting her fixed up. MIA     They better get her a good big leg.  She goes through so darn many. BEN     Really? It's happened before? MIA     Every couple of years.  I think the last time was before you showed up here. BEN     I am such a sucker. MIA     Whenever you start thinking like that, just look at Andy.  That'd make anyone feel superior. BEN     You always know just the right thing to say. MIA     Can't help it.  We're in tune.  BEN     Yeah, I guess we are.  About Christmas-- MIA     Don't worry - I love the boots! BEN     Oh, the boots... MIA     But only if you can afford them.  If you can't, I might be able to get them myself.  [sexy] You still get to enjoy them, though. BEN     [grim] I'll get them-- MIA     [sorry] I was just teasing. BEN     Don't worry.  [softening]  Like I said, it's been a really strange day. MUSIC   SCENE 20.     SEWER AGAIN TICK     [really fast] Yeah what? BEN     [slow gasp] TICK     [fast] crap. [deliberately going slower, down to normal speed]  What do you want? BEN     Geek said you have another job? TICK     Not so much a job as a favor. BEN     Need money. TICK     What happened to the packet I gave you before?  Never mind - don't want to know.  [speeding up a bit] Look.  I'm not some magic money tree. BEN     Oh. TICK     [slowing again]  See right now, you owe me a favor - but I can be gracious about it.  You give me what I need, and I will advance you what you need against the next job I give you.  Sound good? BEN     [carefully articulating] You pay now for next job if I do favor? TICK     There you go.  [quick] not so damn stupid after all. MUSIC   SCENE 21.     MIA'S APARTMENT SOUND     ALARM CLOCK SOUND      KNOCKED OFF TABLE MIA     [just like at beginning]  I hate Mondays. SOUND     DOORBELL RINGS MIA     Huh? MIA/Z     coming! SOUND     BAREFOOT SHUFFLE SOUND      DOORBELL RINGS AGAIN, QUICKLY AND REPEATEDLY MIA/Z     Hold your damn horses! SOUND      DOORKNOB FUMBLES, DOOR IS SLAMMED OPEN. SOUND     BODY FALLS MIA/Z     [annoyed] hey! SOUND     FEET MOVE QUICKLY INTO APARTMENT, SLAM DOOR MIA/Z     [scared] Who are you--? SOUND     SUPER-QUICK WHISPERED VOICES IN BACKGROUND VOICEBOX     [mechanical voice]  You were at the altercation near the wall yesterday. MIA/z     uhhh VOICEBOX     Yes or no.  We ask yes or no questions.  Answer yes or no. MIA/z     yesss. VOICEBOX     Did you take part-- MIA/z     NO! VOICEBOX     Did you see any of those who did? MIA/z     [uncertain] no. VOICEBOX     There was another female with you.  Did it see anything? MIA     Sheri? MIA/z     No. VOICEBOX     Please identify this female. MIA/z     No. VOICEBOX     That was not a question.  Identify the female that was with you. MIA     Yeah, right. MIA/z     [incoherent moan] VOICEBOX     Speak clearly. MIA/z     Naaame isss [incoherent moan] VOICEBOX     We are prepared to remove parts if you do not cooperate.  SOUND     STRUGGLE, KNIFE SNICKS OPEN MIA/z     ohh! MIA     No!  that's Ben's! [the hand they're threatening] VOICEBOX     Last chance.  The name. MIA/z     Naaame isss shhh-jerry  VOICEBOX     Jerry? MIA/z     [reluctantly agreeing] Uh-huh. VOICEBOX     Good.  [commanding, disgusted] Let it go. SOUND     BODY FLUNG TO FLOOR MIA/z     [moans unhappily] SOUND     FEET MARCH CRISPLY AWAY MUSIC   SCENE 22.     SEWER BEN     You want WHAT? TICK     Not like you'll miss it. BEN     I-I don't-- TICK     Hey, take it or leave it.  You owe me, but not like I'm gonna wrestle you down and steal it from you.  I got people - and your kind - who can do that for me. BEN     When you need? TICK     [irritated, speeding up] What do you mean when?  You think I don't mean now? [like the crack of doom, slowly and clearly] Now! BEN     Now... TICK     Tick-tock. BEN     [moans uncertainly, then glumly] yeah... MUSIC   SCENE 23.     OUTSIDE, ELSEWHERE MIA/z      [muffled whispered moans] MIA      Psst! SHERI     Mia?  What's with the getup? MIA      Get over here! SOUND     SHUFFLING SHERI/z     [whiny querulous moan] SHERI     What? MIA      Ok, no one can see us-- SHERI     You look like a clown. MIA      Shh!  Sheri, have any of the overseers [gulps] "talked" to you? SHERI     In-tacts?  No! MIA      They found me.  They'll find you.  They want to know who killed that - in-tact - yesterday in the riot. SHERI     Gary?  Why? MIA      No-no-no-no!  I don't WANT to know who did it!  They're asking, and they threatened to cut... off-- [sob] Th-they threatened me!  SHERI     [still not understanding it] Why? MIA      They want to get the one who did it, I suppose!  They'll come after you! SHERI     How will they know to come for me? MIA      [evasive] Well - how did - how did they know to come for me? SHERI     Oh! MIA      So now you're warned - stay away from the treadmill! SHERI     [annoyed moan] MIA     Well, I wanted to warn you.  SOUND     MIA STARTS TO WALK AWAY, STRANGELY LIMPING SHERI     What's wrong?  Mia?  You're limping. MIA     Nothing.  Figured if I can't make the treadmill for a while, I'd need something to live on. SOUND     STUMBLING FEET APPROACH SHERI and MIA     [gasping moans] FRED     [gasp]  Oh, hey!  Don't tell anyone I'm here. MIA      They found you too? FRED     I - I heard they're coming - how'd you know? SHERI     We saw it happen. FRED     Woah!  You better hide.  Least for a while.  They're taking folks again. MUSIC   SCENE 24.     MIA'S APARTMENT  BEN     Mia? SOUND     TAPPING ON DOOR, DOOR CREAKS OPEN BEN     [worried now]  Mia? TED     [off, questioning moan] BEN     You Ted? TED     yeah [affirmative moan, voice getting clearer] BEN     Where the hell's Mia? TED     She took some stuff and left.  What's it to you? SOUND     SHUFFLE TURN BEN     I'm Ben. TED     Ugh!  What the hell does she see in you? MUSIC   SCENE 25.     OUTSIDE, ELSEWHERE MIA     [off a bit]  Ben? BEN     [phantom of the opera cringing noise] What? MIA     Ben - I'm over here. BEN     Mia - don't look. MIA     [almost laughing] What? BEN     Please. MIA     All right.  I'll close my eyes. BEN     Thanks.  SOUND     SHUFFLING STEPS TO MIA BEN     Why are you hiding? MIA     I saw something - there are in-tacts maybe looking for me.  I don't know. BEN     They're just full of surprises, aren't they? MIA     Are they? SOUND     MOMENT OF JUST PLODDING ALONG TOGETHER BEN     Helluva way to spend the holidays. MIA     It is Christmas, isn't it?  [beat]  Can I look now? BEN     No!  [short barking laugh]  I - I know it's silly for me to be vain, but, uh - I lost something. MIA     I got you something! BEN     Don't turn around-- Ohhhh. [disappointed] MIA     [concerned] What happened? BEN     Some guy named Gary needed a new face.  MIA     [concerned for him] I hope you got something good for it. BEN     Actually I did.  Take off your shoes. MIA     [more panicked than should be] No! BEN     Don't worry - I'll carry them for you. MIA     No - I...  I kind of needed to make a trade too.  BEN     Your leg--? MIA     I guess feet with toes are sort of collectable. BEN     Oh.  I hope ... [chuckles]  I hope you got something good for it. MIA     [laughs a bit]  SOUND     STICKY SOUND AS SHE STROKES HIS RAW FLESH MIA     At least you kept your lips.  BEN     Are you kidding?  Had to keep those - they're my best feature. MIA     Well, here's a new one, but I don't know how it will go on - you might have to wait until you have a place to hang it again. SOUND     PACKAGE UNWRAPS, OPENS BEN     It's beautiful. MIA     It's latex.  It won't rot or get chewed on by rats.  I think I got the right color, but now - BEN     It's a fine nose. MIA     Not too big?  I mean, I never saw you with-- BEN     It's perfect. MIA     We should get going.  If they're still after me, we'll have to ... find some place else to-- BEN     Waitaminute.  Now you have to open yours. MIA     Oh, you--! SOUND     UNWRAPPING OF PAPER MIA     The patent leather! BEN     Yeah.  You know, maybe you could brace and stuff them-- MIA     It's just the one foot. BEN     Ok, stuff the one, and still walk on it. MIA     Not if we're going a long way - I don't want these puppies to get worn out on any stupid road trip.  [ecstatic intake of breath]  This is the best Christmas ever! BEN     You know?  I think you're right...  Here, take my hand. MIA     [teasing sweetly] That's my hand. BEN     Come on.  [grunt to help her up] MIA     Which way? [their voices, along with their moaning and plodding footsteps, begin to slowly fade out] BEN     A wise man once said "the sun never sets on those who ride into it".  [the quote is from the end of Shock Treatment] MIA     Which wise man was that? BEN     Um.... MIA     Are we talking like "three wise men" kind of wise man? BEN     Um - no.  I think it was... Richard O'Brien. MIA     Who? BEN     You know, the time warp guy. MIA     Oh, man - I haven't been to THAT movie in months. CLOSER  "The Gift of the Magi" is a famous story by O. Henry where a newlywed couple (around 1900) each sell something to buy the other a present - He sells his watch to get her a fancy hair comb and she sells her long hair to get him a new watch fob.  The entire story is inspired by this.    

(sorry i missed a couple of weeks - been crazy busy)   Quail Seed A timely tale of marketing and social networking. [Saki was often way ahead of his time!] Announcer - Jennifer Dixon Mr. Scarrick - John Lingard Jimmy - Will Watt Lucy - Tanja Milojevic [Lightning Bolt Theater] Boy - Reynaud LeBoeuf Man - Anthony D.P. Mann [Horror Etc.] Miss Fritten - Robyn Keyes Mrs. Greyes - Jennifer Dixon Mrs. Gordon - Judith Moore Gloria - Beverly Poole Other women - Julie Hoverson Music by Kevin McLeod (Incompetech.com) Picture by lucias_clay, found with help from Bill Jones.   Quail Seed Cast: Announcer Mr. Scarrick, shopkeeper Jimmy, Assistant Lucy, Jimmy's girl Boy Man/Beard Miss Fritten Mrs. Greyes Mrs. Gordon Miss Jones Miss Smith Gloria Mrs. Lipping   SAKI OPENING MUSIC SOUND      SHOP DOOR, BELL, FOOTSTEPS LUCY     Hello?  Helloooo? JIMMY     [close]  Morning, Lucy! LUCY     [startled gasp]  Jimmy! There you are.  Bit... empty in here, isn’t it? JIMMY     [heavy sigh] A bit. LUCY     But where are all the Christmas shoppers? JIMMY     Shh!  Whatever you do, don't ask that in front of Mr. Scarrick.  You'll quite set him off.  LUCY     Oh! JIMMY     It's all right, he's out at the moment. LUCY     [impressed] He left you in charge? JIMMY     [heavy sigh, morose]  Only in the certainty that there won't be a stampede on our services. LUCY     That bad, eh? JIMMY     Quite. SOUND     DOOR, BELL, FOOTSTEPS Miss Smith     Hello? SOUND     QUICK STEPS JIMMY     Yes?  How may I assist you? Miss Smith     [nervous] Oh, I was -um- just looking for a railway timetable?  I'm going up to the city-- [breaks off] JIMMY     Sorry.  Clean out.  Perhaps next week. MISS Smith     Ah.  Thank you. SOUND     FOOTSTEPS, BELL DOOR LUCY     You might have made a sale! JIMMY     She just wanted to look. LUCY     You don't know that. JIMMY     [bitter admission] She's the fourth today.  Everyone would rather take the train to town and shop in a big department store than [quoting] bother to take advantage of the convenience-- SOUND     DOOR BELL MISS Jones     Hello? JIMMY     ...and that's five. MUSIC SOUND     PUB SCARRICK     The outlook is not encouraging for us smaller businesses. SOUND     POURING DRINK SCARRICK     These big concerns are offering all sorts of attractions to the shopping public which we couldn't afford to imitate, even on a small scale--reading-rooms and play-rooms and gramophones and Heaven knows what. BOY     [normal, commiserating] People like shiny objects. SCARRICK     And they don't care to buy half a pound of sugar nowadays unless they can listen to Harry Lauder and have the latest Australian cricket scores ticked off before their eyes. MAN     Seems like quite a trip for sugar. SCARRICK     With the big Christmas stock we've got in we ought to keep half a dozen assistants hard at work, but as it is my nephew Jimmy and myself can pretty well attend to it ourselves.  In fact, I've left him in charge.  I've never done that before. BOY     I'm sure he'll be fine. SCARRICK     [drinks] It's a nice stock of goods, too.  I could run it all off in a few weeks time, but there's no chance of that--not unless the London line was to get snowed up for a fortnight before Christmas. MAN     [musing] How you gonna keep them home on the farm? MUSIC SOUND     SHOP DOOR, BELL MRS. GREYES     --so tedious, but there it is, and what else is one to do? MISS FRITTEN     We shall simply wait for the next--  SCARRICK     May I help you ladies? MRS. GREYES     Oh!  [evasive] Really, we just stopped in to see about --- about-- MISS FRITTEN     Bootlaces.  MRS. GREYES     Bootlaces!  Yes!  I've been in dire need of some-- SCARRICK     [hearty] Of course.  Over on the left wall, near the back. MRS. GREYES     Of course.  [whispering]  You knew he'd try and sell us something if we came in here!  Bootlaces indeed.  I already have more laces than boots! MISS FRITTEN     At least if we do make a purchase, they're small enough to carry when we go to-- MRS. GREYES     Shh! SCARRICK     Finding everything? MRS. GREYES     Oh, yes.  This is the best ... um... anchovy paste.  Just what I was looking for. MISS FRITTEN     Just lovely! SCARRICK     Perhaps you ladies could help me.  I was thinking of adding a little entertainment to the shop. MRS. GREYES     Oh? SCARRICK     I did have a sort of idea of engaging Miss Luffcombe to give recitations during afternoons; she made a great hit at the Post Office entertainment with her rendering of 'Little Beatrice's Resolve'. MISS FRITTEN     [very uncertain] Oh, that would be ...just ... lovely. SOUND     DOOR OPENS, BELL RINGS ODDLY SCARRICK     What? SOUND     ODD FOOTSTEPS ENTER SCARRICK     [excusing himself] Your pardon. SOUND     SCARRICK GOES TO THE COUNTER MRS. GREYES     [whispered] Perhaps we should just do our shopping here. MISS FRITTEN     But I'm in my best hat! MRS. GREYES     Shh! Shh!  Look at that! MISS FRITTEN     What an odd looking boy.  Brown as a nut, but we've not had sun in weeks! MRS. GREYES     And those clothes.  Like something out of the Arabian nights! SOUND     CLANG BOY     [accented now] Six pomegranates, please, and a packet of quail seed. MISS FRITTEN     What's the bowl for? MRS. GREYES     To carry the pomegranates? MISS FRITTEN     Why not a string bag? MRS. GREYES     Allergies?  Shh! SCARRICK     [business as usual]   Here you are.  We have some lovely pomegranates. MISS FRITTEN     He doesn't even look surprised! MRS. GREYES     The boy must have been here before. SOUND     COIN SKITTERING, CAUGHT BOY     The wine and figs were not paid for yesterday.  Keep what is over of the money for our future purchases. SCARRICK     [formal and serious] As you wish.  SOUND     BOY LEAVES, DOOR SHUTS SOUND     SKITTERING OF LADIES FEET MISS FRITTEN     [to Scarrick, hinting] A very strange-looking boy? SCARRICK     [final]  A foreigner, I believe. MRS. GREYES     Does he shop here often?  Surely there can't be much call for ...quail seed... at this time of year. SCARRICK     It takes all sorts. SOUND     DOOR OPENS SOUND     HEAVY OMINOUS FOOTSTEPS MISS FRITTEN     [gasp] MRS. GREYES     Oh!  [covering her consternation]  Oh, I forgot those bootlaces!  [hissed] Come on! SOUND     THEY SKITTER AWAY MAN     [accented] I wish for a pound and a half of the best coffee you have. SCARRICK     [wary] Certainly sir. MRS. GREYES     Look at that beard! MISS FRITTEN     Like a comedy Russian. MRS. GREYES     No, more like an ancient Assyrian. MISS FRITTEN     Who do you think he is? MAN     [suspicious] Has a dark-faced boy been here buying pomegranates? SCARRICK     Can't say that I've seen anyone like that. MRS. GREYES     Oh!  [muffles self] MISS FRITTEN     [whispered]  How could he! SCARRICK     [offhanded] We have a few pomegranates in stock, but there has been no real demand for them. MAN     My servant will fetch the coffee as usual SOUND     COIN SKITTERS, HEAVY FEET START TO WALK AWAY, THEN STOP MAN     [very importantly] Have you, perhaps, any quail seed? GREYES AND FRITTEN [gasp] SCARRICK     [unhesitating] No.  we don't stock it. SOUND     FEET WALK AWAY MRS. GREYES     [whispered] What will he deny next? MISS FRITTEN     And I always believed Mr. Scarrick to be such a truthful man.  Heavens! He just presided at a lecture on Savonarola. SOUND     DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES MRS. GREYES     Don't let's bother about the 3.12.  Let's dash, and talk this out at Laura Lipping's MISS FRITTEN      Perhaps we should buy a few things first.  Since we're here. MUSIC SOUND     TEA MISS FRITTEN     [recounting lusciously] Turning up the deep astrakhan collar of his long coat, the stranger swept out of the shop, with the air of a Satrap proroguing a Sanhedrim. MRS. LIPPING     Do Satraps prorogue? MISS FRITTEN     [coldly superior] Have you ever seen one that didn't? GLORIA     I don't even know what a Sanhedrim is.  Is it a dance? MISS FRITTEN     It is a simile and hardly matters.  Or do I mean an allegory? MRS. GORDON     And the boy? MRS. GREYES     I should have though him Greek, but after seeing that beard-- MRS. LIPPING     They could have been unrelated. MISS FRITTEN     Unrelated?  And both asking for "quail seed"?  Mark my words.  There's something afoot. MRS. GREYES     What bothers me most is this unprecedented streak of falsity in our local grocer! GLORIA     I've never known Mr. Scarrick to prevaricate like that before! MRS. GREYES     It's the influence of that artist that took the flat above the shop.  Mark my words.  [importantly] Bohemian. MRS. GORDON     [tragically] I shall never again be able to believe what he tells me about the absence of colouring matter in the jam. MUSIC SOUND     DOOR, BELL SOUND     BROOM LUCY     Jimmy? JIMMY     Here. LUCY     Goodness, it looks like a tornado touched down. JIMMY     Fabulous, isn't it? LUCY     But, what happened? JIMMY     This afternoon, from tea onwards, we had a constant stream of shoppers.  LUCY     Is this something to do with the odd individuals who may or may not have been in this afternoon? JIMMY     [overly innocent] Whom do you refer to? LUCY     Come on!  It's all over town.  People talked about it at tea, and more people talked about it at supper.  I expect they're all talking about it over Bridge even as we speak.  The dark young man and the Beard.  JIMMY     Sounds a bit like a music hall act. LUCY     [speculatively] Yes... yes, it does.... MUSIC AMBIENCE     SHOP [MANY CUSTOMERS] MISS SMITH     Is this the freshest jar of pickles? JIMMY     Miss?  I suppose so. MISS SMITH     It looks a little dusty. JIMMY     That would be my fault-- SCARRICK     [commanding] Jimmy!     JIMMY     So sorry, must jump. MISS FRITTEN     [whispered]  Do you think they will return? MRS. GREYES     I have it on good authority someone's rented that house at the far end of Plummergen. MISS FRITTEN     But why should they come all this way to shop? MRS. GREYES     [knowing] Plummergen drapers don't stock quail seed.  MISS FRITTEN     [getting it] Ah! SOUND     REGISTER NOISE SCARRICK     That will be three shillings and four pence. SOUND     COINS MRS. LIPPING     I'm looking for something interesting for a savory.  Have you any-- SOUND     GENERAL HUSH MRS. LIPPING     [nervous] --any, um-- SCARRICK     [as if nothing is amiss]  I have some pickled olives.  Imported from turkey. MRS. LIPPING     Yes, anything. SOUND     JAR SET DOWN, CASH REGISTER SOUND     JABBER BEGINS AGAIN SOUND     DOOR OPENS, BELL, JABBER SLOWLY DIES AWAY. SILENCE SOUND     BOY WALKS IN. SOUND     BOWL SET DOWN. SCARRICK     [normal]  What can I get for you today? BOY     I require a pound of honey. SOUND     BREATH BEING LET OUT ALL OVER BOY     and - [quieter] and a packet of quail seed. SOUND     GENERAL INTAKE OF BREATH, GIGGLE QUICKLY MUFFLED SCARRICK     Very good, sir. SOUND     CONVERSATIONS, FORCED LAUGHTER, BUT MUTED, LISTENING MISS FRITTEN     [excited whisper] We might be living in the Arabian Nights. MRS. GREYES     Hush! Listen! SOUND     THINGS PLACED INTO BOWL, BOWL REMOVED, BOY STARTS TO LEAVE. SOUND     QUICK FOOTSTEPS JIMMY     [hurried, fraught with meaning] We have some very fine Jaffa oranges.  Around behind here. SOUND     QUICK SHUFFLE OF FEET SOUND     DOOR OPENS, MAN STRIDES IN. SOUND     GASPS SCARRICK     [unperturbed]  What may I get for you today, Sir? MAN     A pound of dates and a tin of the best Smyrna halva. MISS FRITTEN     Halva?  What is that? MRS. GREYES     It comes from Smyrna - that's figs, isn't it, Smyrna is? GLORIA     Who would want dates AND figs? MRS. LIPPING     Hush. SCARRICK     There you are.  MAN     hmm [evaluating noise]  Yes. SOUND     COINS DROPPED MAN     Has the dark-faced boy, of whom I spoke yesterday, been here to-day? GLORIA     [stifled squeak of excitement] SCARRICK     We've had rather more people than usual in the shop to-day... but I can't recall a boy such as you describe. SOUND     [gasps] MRS. GREYES     [satisfied] Didn't we say? MISS FRITTEN     It's too too terrible. MUSIC TEA MRS. GREYES     It is deplorable that anyone - particularly someone in a position such as Mr. Scarrick -should treat the truth as an article temporarily and excusably out of stock. MISS FRITTEN     More quail seed!  Those quails must be voracious!  [realizing]  or else... perhaps it isn't quail seed at all. MRS. GREYES     I believe it's opium, and the bearded man is a detective. MRS. LIPPING     I don't.  I'm sure it's something to do with the Portuguese Throne. MISS FRITTEN      More likely to be a Persian intrigue on behalf of the ex-Shah.  The bearded man belongs to the Government Party. The quail-seed is a countersign, of course; Persia is almost next door to Palestine, and quails come into the Old Testament, you know. GLORIA     [exasperated] Only as a miracle.  [knowing] I've thought all along it was part of a love intrigue. MRS. LIPPING     I distinctly saw a snarl of baffled rage as the man departed, sandwiched between that heavy moustache and upturned astrakhan collar. GLORIA     I can’t imagine that that boy is the guilty party here.  Much more likely he's simply perishing of love for someone - perhaps the daughter of the beard, but the match is quite unsuitable-- MISS FRITTEN     Honey and pomegranates - of course!!! MUSIC SHOP, NIGHT, QUIET SOUND     DOOR, BELL JIMMY     [calling from off] Closed! LUCY     I know, mutton head. JIMMY     Oh, Lucy! SOUND     BROOM DOWN, STEPS LUCY     Another busy day? JIMMY     The busiest.  Another day or two of brisk trade and we'll be--[cut off with a gasp] SOUND     KISS LUCY     [laughing] I was here today, you know. JIMMY     [uneasy] Oh? LUCY     [indulgent] You were quite the hero.  Hustling that poor young man off behind the biscuit tins in the very nick of time. JIMMY     [flustered] Well, I have a good view of the street from my post at the cheese and bacon counter. LUCY     [pouty] Jimmy.  Have you EVER known me to gossip? JIMMY     You, Lucy?  I don’t think so. LUCY     Quite a vote of confidence. JIMMY     I didn’t mean that-- [sigh] No.  No I've never known you to gossip. LUCY     Let me in, then!  Perhaps there's something I can do to help? MUSIC PUB SCARRICK     It was quite marvelous!  And we sold out of that blasted Halva. MAN     It looked crowded, but were they actually buying? SCARRICK      They bought and bought - some came back three or four times, just to have an excuse to linger.  BOY     "Oh, I forgot" and "silly me, one more thing." SCARRICK     exactly.  Even those women whose purchases were of modest proportions dawdled over them as though they had, uh-- MAN     Brutal, drunken husbands to go home to? SCARRICK     [chuckles] I've even had to take on a couple of extra assistants for tomorrow. MUSIC STORE - BUSY MISS FRITTEN     What do you think?  Is this bowl anything like the one that young gentleman carries? MRS. GREYES     Nonsense.  His is brass.  Or bronze, perhaps.  That one is copper. MISS FRITTEN     Still, it's got a lovely patina. MRS GORDON     Ducks? SCARRICK     [distracted] Pardon? MRS GORDON     Ducks?  I found a lovely recipe for Bombay duck, and was wondering if a domestic duck would suffice. SCARRICK     I suspect that ducks are much the same the world over-- [small gasp] SOUND     DOOR OPENS, BELL GENERAL EXPECTANT HUSH MRS GORDON     oh! SCARRICK     You'll excuse me. SOUND     BOY'S FOOTSTEPS, SCARRICK MEETS HIM SCARRICK     Sir?  BOY     Yes? SCARRICK     [overtly confidential]  I must warn you-- SOUND     [gasps] SCARRICK     [as if saying something else] We have run out of quail seed. MRS GORDON     Oh nO! BOY     [shocked and disappointed] Oh.  I should-- I must-- SOUND     SCUTTLING FEET JIMMY     [excited]  We do have some much finer oranges today, if you want to step over here. BOY     [dramatic gasp] SOUND     BOY RUNS MISS FRITTEN     [whispered] Watch the door! SOUND     DOOR SLAMS OPEN, BELL SOUND     OMINOUS FOOTSTEPS MRS. GORDON      [voice over] I found my self sub-consciously repeating "The Assyrian came down like a wolf on the fold" under my breath. SCARRICK     [very tense]  Ah.  Coffee again today sir?  Perhaps figs? MAN     I am looking for-- LUCY     [in disguise, foreign sounding]  Jaffa oranges, I think. MAN     What? MRS GREYES     [voiceover] She slithered out of the aisle like the lady in the lake. LUCY     Your Excellency does his shopping himself? MAN     [suspicious] I order the things myself.  I find it difficult to make my servants understand. MISS FRITTEN     [voiceover]  How ever did we miss a mysterious veiled lady, right in the midst of us all? LUCY     I was saying... They have some excellent Jaffa oranges here.  [tinkling laugh] SOUND     HER FEET TAP AWAY TO THE DOOR, BELL MAN     [considering] Hmph.  MRS. GORDON     [gasp] MAN     You! SCARRICK     [tense] Yes? MAN     You have, perhaps, some good Jaffa oranges? GLORIA     [voiceover] Everyone expected an instant denial on the part of Mr. Scarrick of any such possession, but before he could answer‑‑ BOY     No! SOUND     RUNNING FEET, DOOR, BELL MISS FRITTEN     [voiceover] Holding his empty brass bowl before him he dashed into the street. His face was masked with studied indifference SOUND     THE VOICEOVERS START TO FADE INTO TEA MRS GREYES     Overspread with ghastly pallor! MRS. LIPPING     I would call it blazing with defiance. GLORIA     How defiant could he be!  He was so terrified his teeth chattered! MRS. GORDON     I distinctly heard him whistling the Persian National Hymn. MISS FRITTEN     But the bearded man - his face was a mask of abject terror! MRS GREYES     I thought he would dash out after the boy, but he just paced to and fro like a caged animal - seeking an outlet for escape. GLORIA     He couldn't take his eyes off the door. MRS GORDON     Did he ever come back for his purchases?  Or send his servant? MISS FRITTEN     I've not had the nerve to ask Mr. Scarrick.  The whole thing was so ...  overwhelming. MUSIC LUCY     It was so overwhelming.  Trying not to laugh while watching all their faces. JIMMY     You did a fabulous job. LUCY     You like me in a veil? JIMMY     I can think of a veil I'd like to see you in. LUCY     [interested, pleased] Really? JIMMY     Mm-hmm  [yes] SOUND     KISS MUSIC PUB SCARRICK     I can never thank you fellows enough. MAN     We enjoyed the fun of it.  [laughs, then  talks like beard]  And the figs. BOY     It was a welcome vacation from posing for hours for 'The Lost Hylas' MAN     You just have to sit still.  I'm the one who has to make you look good. SCARRICK     What do I owe you? MAN     No, no.  It was far too entertaining.  BOY     We did get all those lovely pomegranates. SCARRICK     At any rate... I insist on paying for the hire of the black beard. END

A new story chased by our best friends at the Weekly Bugle. Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Leona  - Robyn Keyes Theo "Smoothie" Walsh - Henry Mark Chief - Julie Hoverson Forsythe Dickman III - Mark Olson Farmer Hadley - Garr Godfrey Daisy - Cailean Evedus Bartender - Charles Austin Miller Desk Clerk - Brown Monkey’s Old dude Second Demon - Sherman bear Reporters - Bryan, Wes, and Uncle Randy of Drunken Zombie, plus Brown Monkey Music by  John Woodward Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Les Clay   "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a familiar newsroom, can't you tell?" ******************************************************************** A Telegram ...to Satan! Cast: Leona Theo "Smoothie" Walsh Chief Forsythe Dickman III Reporters Farmer Hadley Daisy LuLu Reporters OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a tabloid bullpen, can't you tell?  MUSIC Scene 1.    SOUND     PEOPLE ON PHONES, moving through the room REPORTER JUNE    How many mummies? [dubious] Uh... we can't send a photographer for less than eight. REPORTER BOB    So can we quote you on the health benefits of nude white water rafting? REPORTER KATHY    We just want to give you a chance to tell your side of the story, doctor... REPORTER FRED    And when the wax was ripped away, it left an image of jesus in your chest hair? Scene 2.    CHIEF    Shut the door. SOUND    DOOR SHUTS THEO    Where's Leona? CHIEF    She'll be here in a minute.  Wanted to say something to you first… just the two of us. THEO     [a little worried] Yeah? CHIEF    You're a cute young guy, Theo... THEO    [starting to panic] Uh... CHIEF    You seeing anyone right now? THEO    I'm kind of ...married to the news. CHIEF    I know the feeling. THEO    Uh...! CHIEF    It's a nice sentiment, but you can’t let the news rule your life, sweetheart. THEO    Uh.  When is Leona gonna get here? CHIEF    What are you doing on Friday night? THEO    Uh... Uh... I ... CHIEF    Cause my niece really really needs someone to take her to her senior prom, and I figure if you're married to the news, you're about as safe as they get. THEO    [relieved] Oh!  ah!  I can clear Friday night. CHIEF    It's either you or Forsythe Dickman the third, and I really don't want that greasy bastard within a city block of my poor little Aida. THEO    Who? CHIEF    But you didn't hear that from me. SOUND    DOOR OPENS THEO    Dickman? DICKMAN    Yeah. THEO    [gasp]  Oh!  I thought it would be Leona. SOUND    DOOR SHUTS CHIEF    Smoothie Walsh, meet Forsythe Dickman the third.  His grandpa just picked up half the business. DICKMAN    Things are gonna run a little different around here. THEO    Oh.  Is that good? CHIEF    [insincere] Sure it is.  We're just tickled to death to have some new blood in at the managerial level. SOUND    DOOR OPENS LEONA    Oh. SOND    DOOR SHUTS AGAIN THEO    Leona--?  She left. CHIEF    Musta forgot something. DICKMAN    Is that Leona Pope?  [chuckle nastily]  I think she remembered something. THEO    Should I ...go? CHIEF    No, I was about to drop a lead on you.  DICKMAN    I hope you have something good. CHIEF    Oh, are you staying? DICKMAN    Gramps wants me to learn the tabloid business from the very bottom.  So yeah, I'm staying. MUSIC Scene 3.    AMB    ROOF SOUND    LIGHTER, SMOKING THEO    [off] Leona? LEONA    Are you alone? THEO    Uh, yeah. LEONA    Come on up, then. THEO    That's a little far out on the ledge, isn't it? LEONA    It's the only place for miles around that's far enough from a door to legally smoke. THEO    Oh.  [beat] We have an assignment. LEONA    We as in you and me, or is there more "we" than I'm aware of? THEO    Uh, no.  Were you expecting someone? LEONA    [sigh]  I'll come down. MUSIC Scene 4.    SOUND    IN CAR LEONA    What's the story? THEO    I was about to ask you the same thing. LEONA    [grr] The story we're supposed to go and get. THEO    Oh!  Cattle mutilation.  It's a bit of a drive. LEONA    And Dickman? THEO    No.  He's got a story of his own. LEONA    Which is? THEO    [a bit envious] The Weed-Whacker killer. LEONA    Figures.  Dickman gets the latest serial sensation and we get cow guts. THEO    Well, it's actually-- LEONA    That jackass gets everything he wants.  Almost. THEO    Sounds like you have a history. LEONA    Used to have an entire curriculum. THEO    Huh? LEONA    [getting annoyed] History.  Chemistry.  Biology...  [disgusted] Drama.  MUSIC Scene 5.    AMB    FARM LEONA    Bucolic. THEO    I've never been on a farm before! LEONA    I've worked hard to avoid them myself. HADLEY    Hallooo!  You must be the folks from the World Bugle! THEO    Must we?  Ah, yes.  We must!  I mean, that's us! LEONA    [flat] Show us the cows. HADLEY    I'm Mr. Hadley, and this is Lulu. LULU    [goat] Maaaa. LEONA    Don't try and tell me that's a cow. HADLEY    No, no.  Lulu's a goat. They're better than dogs.  They can stand guard, fetch, and they're very loyal GOAT    Maaa. LEONA    You tell him.  Show us the cows. HADLEY    She can even fetch – here. THEO    A ball?  Should I throw it? HADLEY    Nah – just hold it up.  Fetch Lulu! LULU    MAAA! SOUND    THUMP THEO    Ow. HADLEY    And now she gets the ball.  Just a little goat humor. SOUND    BRUSHING OFF, GETTING UP THEO    [sigh] Tell us all about this problem you're having with your cattles being... mutilated. LEONA    Cattle is already plural. HADLEY    Come along and you can see for yourself. THEO    Ew?  I mean - it's been a couple of days.  Won't they be a bit ... ripe? LEONA    [musing] Really quick shutter.  THEO    What? LEONA    Catches all the flies in mid-flight. THEO    Ewwww.. HADLEY    Oh, are you thinking my cows are dead?  Oh. No.  Come on. MUSIC Scene 6.    LEONA    [stunned] And WHEN did this happen? THEO    How many are there? HADLEY    Five.  Bessie, Buttercup, Wilamina, Miss Amoorica, and Fred. LEONA    You have a cow named Fred? HADLEY    She's had a hard life. THEO    And all five of them have these... HADLEY    Big tattooed triangles.  Yep. LEONA    Does it go underneath, too, or just end there? HADLEY    Nope.  Each one has her entire left flank covered in this...ink. THEO    And it's not just paint? HADLEY    Nope.  LEONA    Humh.  Punk cows.  Next thing you know, they'll be going for nipple piercings. THEO    That would really be -- LEONA    [trying not to laugh] An udder mess. THEO    Ew.  This doesn't look like something that happened overnight. HADLEY    Nope.  Someone's a-sneaking in each night and doing it. LEONA    And they got THIS much done before you noticed? HADLEY    What can I say?  I'm a right-sided milker.  MUSIC Scene 7.    SOUND    WALKING IN MUD THEO    Ah, nature. LEONA    One thing you can say for nature.  It stinks. THEO    That's the smell of life! LEONA    No, it's the smell of the cowpie you just stepped in. THEO    Ew.  Hey look!  Someone's coming! LEONA    Is it Lulu? THEO    No!  [excited] It looks like a girl! LEONA    Can't you tell?  DAISY    [off, calling]  He-ey! THEO    Hiya! LEONA    [hissed, hinting]  Interview.  Witness.  Stay on task. THEO    What? SOUND    SLAP THEO    Right.  Hello, miss--? DAISY    [running up, panting]  I'm Daisy! THEO    Yeah?  LEONA    [hissed] Does she live near here? THEO    Do you--? DAISY    I'm just one farm over. THEO    Oh.  Good. LEONA    Does she know anything about the cows? DAISY    Huh? THEO    HuH? LEONA    Tell you what.  We're gonna play blindfold questions. DAISY    That sounds like fun! THEO    What?  [muffled] Hey, what are you doing? [clear again] But I can't see anything now! LEONA    That's the idea.  DAISY    Who are you folks anyway?  I never got a chance to-- THEO    We're from the World Bugle.  Investigating the cows. DAISY    Oh!  The tattoos? THEO    Yeah.  Are they happening at your farm too? LEONA    Turn to the left, just a bit.  THEO    Huh? LEONA    You're talking to her shoulder. THEO    Ah. DAISY    Well, no, ain't no one else in the valley having the same problem.  And no one can figure out how it's happening, nohow! THEO    No one knows how he's doing it? DAISY    He?  Do you know who it is? THEO    Just reporter shorthand.  Playing the odds.  [serious sounding] Most of these kind of... uh "perps" are male.  82%, in fact. LEONA    Nice fake. DAISY    Wow! THEO    Not that we rule anyone out.  You could even be the one doing this. DAISY    Not me!  I can't even draw a cow.  [sudden interest]  Who's that? LEONA    Who?  Shit!  My turn for the blindfold. SOUND    WHIP OF FABRIC THEO    [Baffled]  Leo?  What? Why are you tying that over your whole face? LEONA    [muffled] Shut up! DICKMAN    [coming on] Finally some sign of life out here in the hinterlands. DAISY    I dunno where hinter's land is.  Is he new around here? THEO    [getting it]  Oh!  Hi, Mr. Dickman. DICKMAN    You can call me Ace, kid. THEO    [chummy] And you can call me Theo, Ace. LEONA    [muffled] "Smoothie" THEO    Shh. DAISY    Can I call you Ace too?  You look kinda familiar.  Have we ever met? DICKMAN    So, kid, who's the chick in the turban? THEO    Oh, she's my new ... intern.  Uh, she's -uh- devout.  Can't show her face. DAISY    But she had it off-- LEONA    [zhagareet - high pitched warble] THEO    [running over]  We're very equal-opportunity at the world bugle, you see.  DAISY    Say, you look kinda like Clint Eastwood.  Are you related to Clint Eastwood? DICKMAN    [ignoring Daisy] Does she speak English, at least? THEO    Only to people she's been... properly introduced to.  It's very ...protective. DICKMAN    Doesn't make for much of a reporter.  THEO    [warming to his lie] That's why she's learning to take photographs instead.  [talking loud and slow like he's talking to someone foreign] Take picture now?  Show? LEONA    [muttered and muffled] I got something to show you-- THEO    [snap] Jasmine?  Take picture! LEONA    [sort of vaguely pakistani] oh, yess.  Picture take i. SOUND    SNAP DICKMAN    Hey!  You didn't need a flash!  It's broad daylight!  Right in my damn eyes. SOUND    SNAP LEONA    Many apologies! DAISY    Wanna take a picture of me? DICKMAN    [stalking closer] Hey!  That camera - it looks kinda familiar. THEO    [covering] Oh! They all look alike. LEONA    [panicking] uh -- No more talk.  Time to pray.  SOUND    DROP TO THE GROUND LEONA    [muttering, muffled] THEO    You better not bother her now.  She gets these breaks a - a bunch of times every day.  It's freedom of religion, man. DICKMAN    I'm sure I've seen her before.  And she ain't no -- THEO    ACE!  Don't use that kind of language!  [whispered] You could get us sued! LEONA    [MUTTERS LOUDER] DAISY    Can she take a picture of ME when she gets up? MUSIC Scene 8.    AMB    QUIET HOTEL ROOM THEO    That was kind of... LEONA    Mortifying? THEO    Well...  You don't know much about other cultures, do you? LEONA    I only had to fool him, and he knows less.  [annoyed] It's kind of like if you and I ever run into a lion - I don't have to outrun the lion... I just have to outrun you. THEO    Are there a lot of lions in - [getting it] Ohhh... [moment of awkward silence] LEONA    I suppose you're wondering about all this. THEO    No. LEONA    It's the most embarrassing episode of my life. THEO    Oh.  I wouldn't want to pry. LEONA    Back when I was young and foolish. THEO    [astonished] You were young? LEONA    And that disgusting hunk of manhood swept me off my girlish feet... THEO    [getting a bit weirded out] girlish? LEONA    He was so confident... THEO    Uh, Leona... LEONA    So self assured... THEO    Come on, Leona. LEONA    And when he walked away that dark and stormy morning, leaving me lying in a puddle of my own tears...  THEO    Please stop. LEONA    [snarl] He walked away with the best scoop I'd ever had.  THEO    [relieved sigh] Oh! LEONA    That's why you can't tell him anything about our story.  Not one iota. THEO    Why would I, I don't plan to-- LEONA    He'll knock on the door any minute now. SOUND    KNOCK THEO    Wow! LEONA    Take him to the bar.  THEO    But what do I do? LEONA    Get him drunk.  Keep him talking. SOUND    DOOR CHAIN LEONA    [sharp whisper] Oh, and while you’re distracting him— THEO    Distracting? LEONA    Yeah.  See if you can steal his story! MUSIC Scene 9.    AMB    BAR DICKMAN    This is the life, eh?  Just us guys.  Us reporters.  No one understands the loneliness… THEO    Uh, yeah. DICKMAN    The mantle of responsibility we don every day--   THEO    Really? DICKMAN    Our responsibility to the public!  To keep them informed.  THEO    Oh!  Is that why your – uh – family bought into the World bugle? DICKMAN    Nah.  Grandad just loves Ratboy.  THEO    Oh.  [trying to be subtle]  So...how goes it with the weed-whacker? DICKMAN    [suspicious] Hey – you trying something? THEO    No!  Just  thought… uh… I might be able to [uncertain] Help? DICKMAN    I don’t need any help. THEO    But I might have heard something.  A lead. DICKMAN    [skeptical] Reeeeally? THEO    Oh, yeah.  [warming to it]  I overheard something.  Recently.  About –uh – [lost, then bright idea] about someone buying a lot of weed whackers! DICKMAN    Really?  And what could possibly make you think that he would need more than one weed whacker? THEO    He? DICKMAN    Playing the odds.  82% of these perps are male, you know. THEO    Oh, yeah.  I know. DICKMAN    [intimidating] But what made you say that? THEO    Its just what I heard!  Really! DICKMAN    [relenting]  Cuz that’s a detail the police have insisted on keeping back from the public.  THEO    Oh! MUSIC HOTEL CLERK    May I help you? LEONA    [talking in a fake deep voice] Package for Mr. Dickmam.  What room is he in? HOTEL CLERK    I can accept that for him. LEONA    No. uh – it’s special delivery.  From the head office. HOTEL CLERK    I can page him. LEONA    Can’t wait.  Must stay… refrigerated.  Plus, he’s probably out on assignment-- HOTEL CLERK    I think he’s just over in the bar. LEONA    [sigh, drops the voice]  Fifty bucks? SOUND    MONEY SLAPPED ON TABLE, SCOOPED UP HOTEL CLERK    [low response] Here’s the spare key.  Have a nice day! MUSIC Scene 10.    AMB    BAR THEO    --And he woke up with a donkey’s head! DICKMAN    What, like in the bed next to him? THEO    No, this is Shakespeare, not the Godfather!  Like his head was a donkey’s head. DICKMAN    [musing] Shakespeare WAS the original godfather.  I think you might have a story there. THEO    Still not as good as yours! DICKMAN    When you been in the biz as long as I have… SOUND    PHONE RINGS, ANSWERED BARTENDER    No, sorry.  We don’t serve those here. DICKMAN    [nasty laugh] Must be talking about your “sidekick.” THEO    Ew! BERTENDER    Oh, someone NAMED Smoothie.  I’ll check.  [up] Is there a-- THEO    [quick, sharp] It’s for me! DICKMAN    Smoothie? THEO    Code name.  Top secret.  [to phone]  Yeah?  Yeah!  Oh yeaaaaahhhhh. SOUND    HANGS UP DICKMAN    Yeah? THEO    Yeah.  Gotta go.  The –uh- cows came home. MUSIC Scene 11.    AMB    NIGHT, PASTURE THEO    We always seem to end up outside in the dark waiting for dangerous people. LEONA    That’s where the stories are. THEO    Did you find out anything? LEONA    Just that he’s got nothing.  [chuckles] THEO    Isn’t that bad for the paper?  I mean, they still need stories! LEONA    Puppy.  [gasp]  Look! THEO    Lights!  Is it aliens? LEONA    Coleman. THEO    Who’s Coleman? LEONA    A lamp.  It’s just the farmer.  He must have the same idea we do. THEO    We do? LEONA    To keep watch until the vandal shows up. THEO    Would this fall under vandalism?  Hmm…  I guess cows count as property. LEONA    Shh!  Look! THEO    He’s just going in to check on them. SOUND    Mooooo THEO    That didn’t sound happy. LEONA    They’re cows.  They don’t really “do” happy. THEO    Hey, where’s Lulu? LEONA    Lulu? THEO    The goat- he said she follows him everywhere. LEONA    I dunno.  Sleeping? THEO    Let’s get closer to the barn. MUSIC Scene 12.    AMB    BARN THEO    [whispering] I told you there was something wrong with a man who would leave his goat behind! LEONA    If I had a nickel for every time I've heard… SOUND    Bzz.  Mooooo! THEO    [standing up]  How dare you! LEONA    Oh, boy. HADLEY/DEMON    Who dares disturb me at my work. THEO    Uh… does he sound different? LEONA    I’ll be in the bushes – uh – stall. HADLEY/DEMON    Come forward, mortal. THEO    uh-- LEONA    He means you.  [uh - pushing him] SOUND    PUSH, HE STUMBLES FORWARD THEO    [whisered] What do I do? LEONA    Interview him.  It.  Nah, think of it as a him – less scary that way. HADLEY/DEMON    What do you want? THEO    [gulp] I -- want to hear your side of the story! HADLEY/DEMON    Story? THEO    Uh, clearly you’re doing something here – and very artistically, I might add – but I can’t imagine a … s-something, such as yourself doing it for no reason.  You must have a … a purpose.  The people want to know! LEONA    [hissed] step to the left! THEO    Huh? LEONA    You’re blocking my shot! HADLEY/DEMON    You think you will shoot me?  Muhahahaha!  Mortal bullets will have no effect! THEO    no!  no!  not shot shot.  Just picture shot. LEONA    [whispered] Stay in the light - in case he eviscerates you. HADLEY/DEMON    Pictures, yes.  I make pictures too. THEO    Right!  What are they for? HADLEY/DEMON    For?  They are a summoning!  When the ring is complete, he will come! THEO    [shock and awe] Satan? HADLEY/DEMON    [matter of fact] Nonsense, he’s much too busy.  That’s why I’m here.  [demony again] NO!  It is the renegade that I am here to summon.  I have been placed in his path and he will be mine!  SOUND    CAMERA CLICKS HADLEY/DEMON    [petulant]  If some people will go away and leave me to my work. THEO    maybe we can help? LEONA    [whispered] Ixnay!  Otnay our Objay! HADLEY/DEMON    Help?  You? THEO    I mean, if you will spend a little time maybe telling us more about what you’re doing? HADLEY/DEMON    Hmm…. [thinks long] Which do you think is my good side? MUSIC Scene 13.    AMB    OUTSIDE, DAY THEO    We should tell him!  He must have been drugged, or delusional, or sleepwalking! LEONA    [assured]  Possessed. THEO    or sleepwalking. LEONA    Possessed makes for a better story. THEO    Oh.  LEONA    Did you have the mini recorder with you? THEO    Uh, no. LEONA    Dammit Smoothie! THEO    I did ... something else with it. LEONA    What? THEO    Let me see if it worked first. LEONA    [sigh] whatever.  What’s important is to figure out what questions to ask this demon possessor when we talk to him tonight. THEO    Tonight? LEONA    Meanwhile, we can get some quality time with the girls. THEO    Girls?  You mean like Daisy? LEONA    No, I mean like Fred. MUSIC Scene 14.    AMB    BARN SOUND    Moos THEO    Oh, those girls. LEONA    Shh.  You’ll put them off. THEO    What are we doing here? LEONA    Getting glamour shots.  What else?  Move that one in behind the one with the white ear. THEO    Why don’t we ask farmer Hadley to help with this?  I don’t know anything about cow maneuvers. DICKMAN    [off, hding]  [Laughs] LEONA    [starts to laugh, then cuts it off with a snarl] THEO    Holy cow! LEONA    Five of them.  Come out, Dick. DICKMAN    Leona?  And here I thought you’d converted. THEO    Maybe I should leave you two alone? LEONA    Yeah.  I’m a transformer.  {nyea-uh-uh-ow – transformer noise]  Just call me optimus kick your ass. THEO    Help me out, Fred,  They’re not listeneing. SOUND    MOO, LICK THEO    Ew. [up]  We should go back to the – things to do – back at the hotel? LEONA    No.  I want to know why this notorious poacher is hanging around our story?  Could it be because he’s stumped on his own? DICKMAN    Im never stumped.  I’m [thinks, then nasty triumph] I’m multitasking! LULU    [outside]  Maaaaa THEO    Hey guys, here comes Lulu!  Better be nice. DICKMAN    Who’s LuLu?  Is she that dishy Barbie in the teensy cutoffs from yesterday? LEONA    [chuckles] Nah, she’s even more perfect for you.  DICKMAN    [suggestive] Hot, stupid and has a great story? LEONA    [taking it personally]  I was never hot – I mean, I was never STUPID! SOUND    DOOR OPENS THEO    [loudly, trying to break up the fight] Oh, Farmer Hadley!  Lulu!  How nice to see you both! LEONA    Here Dickman.  Hold this.  Lulu, fetch! LULU    Maaaa! DICKMAN    What’s with the ball?  Ow! SOUND    THUMP, BODY DROP MUSIC Scene 15.    AMB    BARN, NIGHT THEO    He said he’d explain the whole thing tonight. LEONA    Smacks of super villain rhetoric. THEO    Huh? LEONA    You know, all that “Before I kill you, Mister Bond” crap. THEO    Kill? HADLEY/DEMON    Oh, yes, I am here to kill. THEO    [gasp!] LEONA    [gasp] I’ll be in the hayloft. HADLEY/DEMON    {chuckles]  I thought you might like a sound bite for your show. THEO    Uh, we’re print news. HADLEY/DEMON    Too bad.  That would have been sweet. THEO    But we do have a website! LEONA    But he wasn’t recording. HADLEY/DEMON    [disgruntled] Well, stay out of my way, then. THEO    You said tonight you would reveal all. LEONA    I’ll get the wide angle lens. HADLEY/DEMON    Tonight I will return an escaped soul back to hell!!! LEONA    Is his name Dickman? HADLEY/DEMON    He’s not an escapee.  But we have him on our radar. THEO    Ew. LEONA    Good. HADLEY/DEMON    No, this is a soul that escaped and is even now cutting a swath across the country! THEO and LEONA    [unison]  The weed-whacker!? LEONA    [musing] Scooping him is almost better than sending him to hell… HADLEY/DEMON    These cows are the living, breathing summoning spell.  Watch as I circle them up, nose to tail-- LEONA    Facing widdershins, I see. THEO    Huh? LEONA    Anti-clockwise? THEO    Oh. HADLEY/DEMON    It’s a satanic thing. THEO    Ahh. LEONA    Omigod! HADLEY/DEMON    [slightly offended] Please! LEONA    Just an interjection.  I see it all now!  I relaly do need to get up into the hayloft! THEO    Why? HADLEY/DEMON    Why don’t you both go up there and observe? THEO    Uh, okay. LEONA    Come on! SOUND    CLIMBING LADDER HADLEY/DEMON    [begins the chant]  loren ipsum dolar sit amat… THEO    What am I supposed to see? LEONA    Look down! SOUND    SNAPPING PHOTOS, THROUGHOUT THEO    Uh...Cows. LEONA    and? THEO    Oh!  Oh, wow!  When they’re all in a circle like that, with the tattooed triangles on the inside, it makes-- LEONA    A pentagram.  Yeah.  Trippy. SOUND    DOOR OPENS, OFF THEO    Did you hear that? LEONA    Hear what? SIOUND    CAMERA STILL CLICKING AWAY THEO    I’ll go check. LEONA    [absorbed in her work] Yeah, yeah. SOUND    CREAKING AS THEO MOVES THEO    [muttered] I think it was over … here? DICKMAN    [muffled a bit, dictating]  Investigating strange noises in the barn, hoping that the killer was hiding out, I courageously – no, scratch that – with no thought for my own safety, just the safety of the world, I pressed on. THEO    [to self] Oh, heck!  [quiet, calling]  Leona? LEONA    [snapped hiss] Busy. THEO    Oh, boy… SOUND    OTHER DOOR SLAMS OPEN HADLEY/DEMON    [Cuts off in mid-sentence]  [dramatic] You! WW DEMON    [dramatic] Yes, it is I! HADLEY/DEMON    [matter of fact] I’m here to take you home, Jerry. WW DEMON    I don’t wanna. HADLEY/DEMON    Too bad.  Get in the box. WW DEMON    [huffy sigh]  Fine.  But I’m going because I want to and not because you told me to. HADLEY/DEMON    Yup.  Just like the last four times.  whatever. SOUND    SORT OF A WHISTLY NOISE DICKMAN    Is that it? HADLEY/DEMON    Yeah.   Why? DICKMAN    Seems anti-climactic. HADLEY/DEMON    Who do I look like?  Peter Jackson?  Gotta go, then.  [to Leona] One mor pic before I drop this carcass? SOUND    CLICK DICKMAN    [stunned] You! LEONA    [sneering] You!  THEO    Uh, guys--! SOUND    WEIRD SWIRLY NOISE DICKMAN    This is my story, Leo.  But I'll let you in as my photographer. THEO    Guys??? LEONA    I'll give you a shot.  But not from my camera! SOUND    WEIRD SWIRLY NOISE GETS LOUDER THEO    I'll be in the bushes. SOUND    WEIRD SWRILY EXPLOSION Scene 16.    EXPLOSION TURNS INTO "on tape" SOUND    CLICK, turns off CHIEF    [concerned] Is Leona's film okay? THEO    Oh, yeah.  It was the weirdest thing, too - no one was actually hurt, but they all had this weird blackout period.  I guess I got away early enough to miss most of it, but even I don't rmember everything on the tape. CHIEF    Waitaminute - didn't you say in there somewhere that you didn't have your recorder on you? THEO    Uh, yeah...  SOUND    DOOR OPENS, LEONA ENTERS LEONA    Here's those photos. SOUND    SLAPS THEM DOWN CHIEF    [going through]  yeah, yeah. Yeah - OHHH!  Nice goat.  Yeah, yeah.  Cute.  Holy crap! LEONA    [chuckles] THEO    Hwat - what was that? CHIEF    I take it this compromising picture of Forsythe Dickman the third has some little part in why you got his story without him arguing at all? LEONA    [overly innocent] Nah - he just admitted that it was all one story from the beginning, and since we did all the work-- THEO    [confidential]  It was really hard, getting the goat to stand still for the picture! CHIEF    you didn't- uh - I mean, that poor goat! LEONA    Nah, once we got her into the tutu - it's all in the lighting.  THEO    Was harder to dress Dickman. CHIEF    Well, get out of here and write up your story-- My personal shopper Pierre is gonna be in here any minute - Wednesday is intimates. LEONA    Going.  Now. SOUND    THEY RUSH OUT Scene 17.    REPORTER FRED    Oh, please, you're the fourth Hitler sighting this week! REPORTER KATHY    Are you sure these tiny people who appear when you drink from your magic bottle aren't just ...uh... D-Ts? REPORTER BOB    And you're willing to wear that fur suit and infiltrate the secret hideout?  Do you know the paw-shake? SOUND    HANG UP PHONE REPORTER JUNE    [excited yell]  Aliens are landing in Branson!!!  They're demanding tickets for Dolly! END