Podcast Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘My old dear doesn’t have the embarrassment gene. It’s a South Dublin thing’	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:48
Honor is staring at Brett like he’s an ATM and she’s sitting in a JCB, trying to work the levers	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:17
‘That picture The Last Supper is weird. They’re all sitting on the same side of the table’	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:33
Honor goes, ‘I’m editing the school yearbook photographs of anyone who pissed me off’	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	05:57
‘Imagine no possessions. I wonder if you can,’ the old dear sings. Her earrings cost more than my cor	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:15
‘I most certainly do have an American accent,’ I tell my supposed half-brother. ‘I’m from south Dublin’	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:13
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I hate my children too. Like, how could three kids of mine turn out to be such dicks?’	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:27
Most schools fear Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara like they would a typhoid outbreak	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	07:01
I’m there to Honor, ‘You’ve never been good at school. I always thought you took after me’	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:11
‘I haven’t come here today to listen to you badmouth my mother – the axe-faced old trout'	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:25
‘My old dear said you had a kid together. Well, I’m its half-brother. Or half-sister if it’s a girl’	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:19
‘Only cheat with someone who’s married. It’s the principle of mutually assured destruction’	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:16
‘I strip down to my boxers. I can always drive home commando. Wouldn’t be the first time’	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:06
When Ronan was 10, I said, ‘I need to have the chat with you about sex.’ And he said, ‘What are you wanting to know, Rosser?’	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:13
The dude goes, ‘The famous Rosser, what?’ looking me over like I’m a buffet item gone cold	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:02
‘You wouldn’t last one day as a girl,’ Honor tells me	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:03
‘You’re both loved and feared, Honor – and I’m so proud’	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:27
‘Why do you want to go disinterring the past, Ross?’	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:09
Sorcha is standing at the island with a boning knife in one hand and an espresso in the other, grinning at us like a serial killer	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	05:53
The old dear goes, ‘I don’t want my vital work on the campaign Move Funderland to the Northside to die with me’	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:20
‘I remember Past Ross thinking, you need to stort being nicer to Future Ross. He’s a genuinely good bloke’	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	05:50
‘Sorcha, I’m wondering is climate justice maybe a bit above Santa’s pay grade?’	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:22
Sorcha goes, ‘I make no apologies for saying it, Honor. You are a danger to democracy’	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:13
When they see the copper, the triplets think it’s about them gobbing on the cauliflower and turmeric latte crowd - which I’m not even sure is a crime’	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	05:53
‘We’ve no idea what caused the fire. And we’re sticking to that story’	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:02
‘People in the crowd are staring at Honor like she’s a cold sore on debs night’	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	05:50
‘The thought of booking a table for one at Shanahan’s on the Green got me through my prison sentence’	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:19
JP is staring at me like I’ve said I’m really enjoying his old dear’s OnlyFans account	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:41
‘A threesome?’ Sorcha goes. ‘Why would you think I’d be into having a threesome?’	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:10
‘Things have changed since you were at school, Sorcha,’ the old man goes. ‘We recognise that traditional media is our enemy now’	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:59
The competition gets under way. The entrants are each told to remove a sock and put it in the pint glass in front of them	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:56
‘Your father is a moral eunuch, Ross. Those aren’t my words. That was a main finding of the Mahon tribunal’	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:27
The porty invitations were returned with the words, ‘Honor O’Carroll-Kelly? Are you focking kidding me?’	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:13
A lot of things are storting to make sense, including the violin case Leo carries around with him like a Chicago gangster	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:34
‘Our daughter is nothing like Donald Trump, Sorcha – aport from the tan and the vengefulness’	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:34
Sorcha knows my game. She can read me like the instructions on an airplane vomit bag	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:11
It’s a miracle Sorcha’s old man has never killed me, though he did buy me a plot in Shanganagh Cemetery for my 40th	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:14
‘Are you aware that your children are Protestants now?’	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:29
How do you become a Protestant? ‘You have to drink the blood of a Sussex chicken on Dalkey Island under a gibbous moon’	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:16
Honor has picked a theme for her year as Mount Anville head girl: ‘Vengeance’	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:40

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘My old dear doesn’t have the embarrassment gene. It’s a South Dublin thing’

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

06:48

Honor is staring at Brett like he’s an ATM and she’s sitting in a JCB, trying to work the levers

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

06:17

‘That picture The Last Supper is weird. They’re all sitting on the same side of the table’

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

06:33

Honor goes, ‘I’m editing the school yearbook photographs of anyone who pissed me off’

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

05:57