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Christmas or no Christmas, I’m frankly disappointed by Sorcha’s lack of killer instinct	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:40
The old man goes, ‘I’m sorry. I just can’t muster any enthusiasm for Christmas this year’	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:25
‘We’re going to buy a sh**load of frozen turkeys - if there’s a shortage I can sell them for €500 each’	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:23
‘Ronan is hanging out with the absolute scum of the earth: my old man and Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara’	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:22
‘Dude, if you insist on coaching Blackrock, you can forget about me being your best man’	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:32
‘It’s all right for you,’ Honor goes. ‘You can have any woman you want’	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:09
‘I don’t like who my son has become since he started playing rugby. He’s full of himself’	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:29
‘There’s no such thing as academic-sporting balance. Not in schools that are serious about being winners’	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:18
This is my son now – north Dublin’s leading wine snob	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:55
‘I’m not going to call you Mister anything,’ I tell the deputy principal, and the boys all stort sniggering	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:40
Honor’s date for the debs is a looker. She clearly takes after her old man in that regord	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:46
Ronan pours the wine and goes, ‘It’s a surprising little number with notes of candyfloss, anchovies and balsawood’	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	07:02
‘You were mugged in Dalkey? Things like that don’t happen there’	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:02
‘I didn’t do a tap in school and yet life worked out pretty well for me’	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:05
‘The old man running a restaurant is like asking me to teach physics through Irish’	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	05:47
‘Rugby is the best idea we’ve ever come up with as a species,’ I go, channelling Fr Fehily	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:34
Sorcha goes, ‘The Dalkey Lobster Festival is this weekend. How am I going to show my face?’	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:28
‘I think you should have a conversation with Honor about her drinking,’ Sorcha goes	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	05:59
‘I got thrun out of Amedica,’ Ronan goes. ‘Me visa was revoked’	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	07:11
When Honor drops the news, I sit there with my mouth open like someone from Roscommon seeing escalators for the first time	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	05:40
The old dear made a seating plan for her own funeral. She didn’t want ugly people in the first three pews	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:14
I get this sudden flashback to when I was six or seven and I’d hold the wheel steady for the old dear while she drove home, half-cut	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:24
The old dear goes, ‘Sorcha? I don’t know anyone of that name. Is she one of your tarts, Ross?’	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:51
Oisinn goes, ‘Dude, you’re saying goodbye. You do realise that? You’re saying goodbye to your old dear’	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	05:57
Brett goes, ‘She’s close to the end, Ross. I was thinking we should arrange a living funeral for her’	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:19
I’m always telling Sorcha to tone down the southside when we come out to Bray but she never listens	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:53
‘I haven’t really been living before now,’ Brett tells his wife. ‘Ross has slept with more than 800 women’	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:16
‘I’m not even a bit stressed,’ Honor goes, ‘I haven’t done a focking tap for these exams’	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	05:42
He obviously decided that he’d wasted his life, focusing on career, marriage and family goals	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:20
We’ve been through so much. I slept with two of JP’s ex-girlfriends, and Christian’s actual mother and even that didn’t break us up	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:34
Honor goes, ‘People will talk about my speech for years to come. And that’s just in the libel courts’	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:35
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘My old dear doesn’t have the embarrassment gene. It’s a South Dublin thing’	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:48
Honor is staring at Brett like he’s an ATM and she’s sitting in a JCB, trying to work the levers	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:17
‘That picture The Last Supper is weird. They’re all sitting on the same side of the table’	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:33
Honor goes, ‘I’m editing the school yearbook photographs of anyone who pissed me off’	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	05:57
‘Imagine no possessions. I wonder if you can,’ the old dear sings. Her earrings cost more than my cor	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:15
‘I most certainly do have an American accent,’ I tell my supposed half-brother. ‘I’m from south Dublin’	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:13
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I hate my children too. Like, how could three kids of mine turn out to be such dicks?’	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:27
Most schools fear Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara like they would a typhoid outbreak	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	07:01
I’m there to Honor, ‘You’ve never been good at school. I always thought you took after me’	Ross O'Carroll-Kelly	06:11

Christmas or no Christmas, I’m frankly disappointed by Sorcha’s lack of killer instinct

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

06:40

The old man goes, ‘I’m sorry. I just can’t muster any enthusiasm for Christmas this year’

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

06:25

‘We’re going to buy a sh**load of frozen turkeys - if there’s a shortage I can sell them for €500 each’

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

06:23

‘Ronan is hanging out with the absolute scum of the earth: my old man and Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara’

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

06:22