Join therapists Jerry Sander & Kristy Gaisford as we look at both the hard truths, and joys, that accompany intimate relationships. Our perspective is personal, practical and based on experience: we've both been married, divorced, and married again after finding great partners for our second marriages. (Both of us had four children apiece in our first marriages; Kristy has four step-children in her second one). Both of us maintain relationally-focused private therapy practices, focusing on couples and individuals. ) We are both certified in Terry Real's Relational Life Therapy and are regular, authorized presenters of the weekend Relationship Boot Camp. We also offer a weekend workshop for those who are starting their lives again after the life-altering relational reset of divorce.
Send us Fan MailMost people grow up with wounds from childhood and/or adolescence, but only some come to have a long-term identification as a victim. Progressing into survivorship and learning how to cherish one's one life and to thrive is the challenge. The crucible for all this is often often found in adult relationships. What is to be gained from identifying with victimhood, and how do I leave it? Kristy and Jerry consider this together.
10/9/26 • 33:44
Send us Fan MailKristy and Jerry ponder the frustrations of disconnections and challenges that always seem to land in predictably annoying directions: why does it always have to be ABOUT you? We role-play the typical way this gets expressed and then do a healthy re-do of the same scenario.
9/22/26 • 34:51
Send us Fan MailJerry and Kristy consider the implications of A.I. for couples, their therapies, and for therapists. Positive and negatives are acknowledged, with all sorts of red warning flags flying.
9/1/26 • 40:17
Send us Fan MailJerry (solo) considers some of the common complaints about sex-within-long-term-relationships, with a focus on the messaging that we've internalized along the way. The distinction between seeking mutual sexual pleasures and some people's understandings of the responsibility to merely fulfill obligations are considered. An upcoming day-long Zoom workshop, Rekindling Sexual Connection, on August 15th, is offered to help people beginning talking about what they most need and haven't been able to talk about without shame.
7/20/26 • 25:14
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4/20/26 • 49:23
Send us Fan MailThe Wise Adult is the gold standard for the capacity for intimacy. In our 80th episode -- and that last one before a 8 month hiatus from recording -- we consider the beauty and optimism this layer-of-personality brings, offering us relief from the seemingly-automatic responses our other layers routinely present.
12/31/25 • 37:06
Send us Fan MailPoised in between the slings and arrows of early childhood (i.e., the Wounded Child) and the emergence of the Wise Adult, the Adaptive Child becomes our friend and our go-to personality more often than not. Jerry and Kristy pay homage to it, while discussing the real-life repercussions of your Adaptive Child for your relationships.
12/13/25 • 36:00
Send us Fan MailThis was a topic that was requested of us to talk about, and which resonated with both Kristy and Jerry as a worthy one. When couples therapy goes wrong, or is unsatisfying to the couple that searched for help, why is this??? What type of connection, process and set of skills are necessary to have things click and move forward with good feeling for all involved? Kristy and Jerry consider this (along with a fake fight in which one person argues about the couples therapist favoring one of them over the other).
11/14/25 • 53:54
Send us Fan MailAfter having previously considered how curiousity functions in a relationship, Kristy and Jerry take a look at how it also influences us as individuals, over our lifespans.
9/18/25 • 37:49
Send us Fan MailAfter a summer hiatus, Jerry & Kristy are back, talking about the curiosities -- or lack of curiosities -- we have about our partners. How does this affect intimacy? Long-term relationship habits can work to erode spontaneity, a sense of discovery and wonder and all the good stuff that was there in the beginning. Can curiosity be restored??? YES, and at any point in the life span of your relationship.
8/7/25 • 38:08
Send us Fan MailJerry & Kristy consider the ebbs and flow of attempted control of the other person within a relationship. What does it get you? What's so wrong about it, anyway?An epic fight about the way the other person loads the dishwasher is featured in the second half, as well as a better-way-forward illustrated.
4/19/25 • 40:08
Send us Fan MailSo what happens when BOTH of you have patterns of avoiding conflict and want to keep the peace at all costs, even if it means staying with an unhappy status quo? Jerry & Kristy consider this (a listener-suggested topic) in light of the rewards that can come from decidedly "rocking the boat."
3/28/25 • 31:37
Send us Fan MailIdentifying your feelings and then talking about them isn't enough. There is another person present in the relationship and reaching to understand THEM is the very challenge that we have to master in order for any progress to take hold. Kristy and Jerry consider how the search for understanding of "the other" usually presents itself -- either in its presence or its absence and show you how this often breaks out in fights. Alternatives are identified and practiced.
3/8/25 • 41:53
Send us Fan MailYou finally both get to the vacation destination of your dreams -- something you've been saving for the rest of the year and it seems just great. Until the third day, when you have That Big Fight. Why is this such a recognizable thing to most couples? What explains it? And what could help things be better?
2/15/25 • 34:57
Send us Fan MailSometimes it is hard to believe we are on the same planet, witnessing the same things as our partner but ending up with very different perspectives. Kristy and Jerry consider the "space between" and consider how best to handle differences about "Reality" when it comes to life in the here-and-now with a partner.
1/24/25 • 33:59
Send us Fan MailIs it possible? How can this be done? And what are the rewards? Jerry and Kristy consider the rewards and roadblocks to blazing new paths of discovery and adventure with your current partner.
1/8/25 • 30:49
Send us Fan MailTriumphing over technical difficulties for today's episode, Kristy and Jerry talk about that long ride home after couples' sessions. Variations on it are proposed, along with a reaffirmation of the purpose of couples' therapy. Hints are dropped about a 2026 event.
11/17/24 • 26:06
Send us Fan MailIn this conversation, Kristy and Jerry explore the concept of the 'adaptive child'—the immature part of ourselves that can dominate our reactions during conflicts. They discuss how to navigate situations when one partner is stuck in this state for an extended period, emphasizing the importance of self-care, compassion, and understanding. The dialogue highlights the significance of timing, safety, and the role of personal energy in communication. They also address the anxiety that can arise in relationships and the necessity of being able to choose to stay in a relationship without desperation. Ultimately, they provide insights on how to approach conflicts with curiosity and connection, while also recognizing when it may be necessary to step away for one's own well-being. In this conversation, Jerry and Kristy explore the concept of the 'adaptive child' and how it manifests in relationships. They discuss the importance of emotional awareness, recognizing when one is in a defensive state, and the nature of disagreements. The dialogue emphasizes the need for empathy, self-reflection, and effective communication to navigate conflicts. They also role-play a conflict resolution scenario, highlighting the significance of accountability and humility in maintaining healthy relationships.Chapters00:00 Understanding the Adaptive Child02:48 Navigating Extended Triggers in Relationships05:55 Self-Care and Compassion During Conflict08:52 The Importance of Timing and Safety11:55 Managing Anxiety and Relationship Fears15:00 Choosing to Stay in a Relationship18:09 The Role of Energy in Communication21:07 Curiosity and Connection in Conflict Resolution23:52 Knowing When to Step Away25:44 Understanding the Adaptive Child28:26 The Nature of Disagreements in Relationships29:52 Navigating Rabbit Holes and Emotional States31:54 Role-Playing Conflict Resolution36:09 Empathy and Understanding in Communication40:51 Self-Reflection and Personal Growth in Relationships43:24 The Importance of Accountability and Humility
10/11/24 • 46:25
Send us Fan MailIn this conversation, Jerry and Kristy discuss the importance of self-soothing in relationships. They define self-soothing as the ability to observe oneself and step in to soothe oneself before reacting negatively. They explore different techniques for self-soothing, such as deep breathing, listening to soothing music, spending time with pets, writing, taking baths, and going for walks. They also discuss the need for self-awareness and the importance of not reacting impulsively in triggering situations. They highlight the significance of finding a balance between self-soothing and nurturing the relationship as a couple.
9/20/24 • 36:29
Send us Fan MailJerry and Kristy discuss the gap that can exist between "having good sessions" and actual change taking place, for either an individual or a couple. Tips for bringing the best of therapy to your actual relationship life are shared.
9/1/24 • 35:49
Send us Fan MailIt's almost astonishing how -- after lamenting how little time we "get" to spend with our partner -- we routinely ignore the basics of positive connection in the time we finally set aside to be together. Kristy and Jerry review how some of these dynamics work and suggest corrective measures that can enhance your relational health.
7/27/24 • 45:17
Send us Fan MailThe perils and pluses of reaching a diagnostic understanding about your partner are considered. Voicing diagnostic lingo to your partner is considered in terms of being an usually-losing tactic. Of special consideration when one of the couple is a therapist her/himself....
7/1/24 • 32:25
Send us Fan MailJerry & Kristy take an extended look at the process of repair. Frequently misunderstood as a "moment" it is actually a relational project that requires vulnerability, bravery and follow-through. Specific applications of the process of repair to four different fight-scenarios are illustrated.
6/9/24 • 69:44
Send us Fan MailCouples usually stumble over this ever-present elephant-in-the-room; what if you have different backgrounds, expectations and habits when it comes to personal finances? What are the implications for the two of you as a couple? How do you even begin to talk about it? Jerry and Kristy ponder this out loud, with numerous common examples of disconnect. Hopeful strategies are identified.
5/22/24 • 43:55
Send us Fan MailJerry and Kristy consider the thorny impact of worldwide patriarchy on the way we function in our relationships. Alternative models are considered, as well as an understanding of how the status-quo we were born into results in a bad deal for both men and women.
4/27/24 • 42:01
Send us Fan MailYou know the feeling when you just want to throw things away? When one too many things have occurred and you would just love to get rid of things (or your partner?) instead of working to fix them? Jerry ponders the convergence of a number of mechanical breakdowns that came his way as Kristy puts it in context of the ever-present challenge of relational repair.
4/2/24 • 32:52
Send us Fan MailWhat role does our ego play in helping, or hindering, connection with our partner? Kristy & Jerry unpack some of this together. Jerry reports some about his travel to Southern India and how long it took him to finally unpack after returning.
3/14/24 • 46:53
Send us Fan MailIt's more rare than we would like that both partners in a couple approach "the work" of behavioral change with the same intensity, at the same rate, and in the same way. What happens if one person is much more enthusiastic about "doing the work" than the other partner? Kristy and Jerry consider this in today's episode.
2/23/24 • 37:31
Send us Fan MailMemorable, highly-charged words and phrases are frequently heard in couples' therapists' offices. What they mean -- how they are understood between people who claim to love each other -- is often highly debatable and unclear. Jerry and Kristy try to translate some meanings in today's episode.
2/2/24 • 36:40
Send us Fan MailAn addict's path to recovery necessarily involves making amends and becoming more relational to the people around you whom you've wounded. But often people get caught at the "dry-drunk" phase, don't do the relational work (despite 12-step groups' encouragement to do so) and the very process of recovery can attain a familiarly selfish flavor. Jerry and Kristy explore the relational damage addiction (and sometimes even recovery) can bring.
1/23/24 • 39:46
