Show cover of Baywatch Rookie School

Baywatch Rookie School

A podcast where 2 men—who have never watched Baywatch before—try and watch Baywatch!


Your Favorite Magic Crime
S4E17: Falcon ManifestoPsst Hey kid, you an elbow vegan? Well don't worry any longer, because starting today, we have a solution for you! It's BeyondWenus. Tastes just like real wenus, but made entirely from discarded Baywatch plot pointsMorgan's Rating: 4Michael's Rating: 4Episode discussion starts @14:06. Post-episode discussion starts @01:14:38.Assorted show notes:@06:32 Michael forgot he made a movie in college too. That brings the count up to 4.@12:55 A Geocities interview with Jacqueline Collen.@24:32 Please do not Google "Sonic Inflation" on a work computer.@36:40 The Dahir Insaat Earthquake Bed.@01:26:40 Peacock's Insane Christmas Movies.Art by Katie Rose @kilogramrose.
93:10 8/10/22
Two Other Jabroni Lifeguards (ft. Eric Maccoux)
S4E16: Mirror, MirrorWell I suppose it's time we finally tell you. Michael and Morgan are actually the same person. In case you haven't figured it out, Morgan is obviously the horny twin and Michael is the research twin.Eric's Rating: 6Morgan's Rating: 7Michael's Rating: 7Episode discussion starts @24:13. Post-episode discussion starts @01:28:11.Assorted show notes:@48:09 A reminder of what the octopus looked like@01:34:52 The Oreo burger@01:35:22 The banana pizza@01:36:01 Eric says that they don't eat the cannibal sandwich in Wisconsin but this twitter account begs to differArt by Katie Rose @kilogramrose.
109:12 7/27/22
A Folder in Firefox Called "Morgan's Mom" (Ft. Parker Phend)
S4E15: Coronado del Soul Part 2If there's horny ghosts, in your neighborhood. Who you gonna call? Baywatchers!Parker's Rating: 1.5Morgan's Rating: 2Michael's Rating: 2Episode discussion starts @06:47. Post-episode discussion starts @01:09:56.Assorted show notes:@01:17:03 The tweet in question@01:17:25 The recorded follow-up to that tweetArt by Katie Rose @kilogramrose.
84:52 7/20/22
The Wind is Just A Horny Ghost (Ft. Parker Phend)
S4E14: Coronado del Soul Pt. 1Beef boys! Exciting news! We're hosting our first Baywatch Rookie School Con at the Coronado del Soul. In order to register, you just need to become a ghost and buy tickets from the spooooooky gift shop. Don't worry, this gift shop does have an exitParker's Rating: 4Morgan's Rating: 5Michael's Rating: 6Episode discussion starts @27:11. Post-episode discussion starts @01:36:04.Assorted show notes:@49:53 Said montage. @50:51 Here is the debut. As well, here is the peak.@01:11:03 Morgan's choice.@01:11:27 Parker's choice.@01:12:05 Michael's choice.Art by Katie Rose @kilogramrose.
106:50 7/13/22
Wrap It Before You Slap It
S4E13: Red Knight  It's the end of Ben! We are not sad to see him go, even if this is a particularly bad sign off. Come and join us on the beach for a reunion of the Red Knights (or more like the Red Tights amirite???). Also Morgan finally gets a Godfather.Morgan's Rating: 5Michael's Rating: 2.5Episode discussion starts @22:49. Post-episode discussion starts @01:15:40.Art by Katie Rose @kilogramrose.
88:46 7/6/22
Cook According To Box Directions
S4E12: Second Time AroundWe're back! Morgan's back from vacation, so we're recording the episodes we don't have any guests for. Baywatch is hitting it's stride in Season 4, which means they've stopped writing interesting episodes and are just recycling their formulasMorgan's Rating: 3Michael's Rating: 4Episode discussion starts @18:39. Post-episode discussion starts @01:15:18.Assorted show notes:@22:55 Hasslehoff Devouring His Cheeseburger by Goya@23:48 Stills from Baywatch the Animated Series (if only it existed)@33:44 Conversion rates for 1993@01:08:11 Robert Kardashian's Cream of Wheat@01:09:22 Lauren Conrad's Tequila Shot@01:09:48 The Nicole Brown Simpson Chicken NachosArt by Katie Rose @kilogramrose.
76:57 6/29/22
Fishin' For Dick (Ft. Jon Brence)
S4E11: The Child InsideIt's time for a Very Special Episode starring a young Republican gymnast. Baywatch doesn't completely bungle depicting the Special Olympics, so that's nice. They didn't do a good job, but it's not as bad as we fearedJon's Rating: 9Michael's Rating: 7Morgan's Rating: 3Check out Jon's portfolio at: and watch their Twitch streams at: discussion starts @29:49. Post-episode discussion starts @01:32:23.Assorted show notes:@26:20 The Michael Phelps meal@31:01 The fakest rock ever@37:18 Hobie's tribute to vegetables@45:35 The Garfield Pizza as well as a picture of Garfield Eats@46:07: The founder of Garfield Eats@47:44 More pics from Jon related to Garfield Eats@54:17 The music from the original montage set to the video from the remasterArt by Katie Rose @kilogramrose.
107:35 6/22/22
He Who Should Not Be Wahoo'd (Ft. Homecoming)
S4E10: Tower of PowerBaywatch is back on it's racist shit, so that's fun. Homecoming is also back, that's actually fun! We talk about graffiti and introduce a new segment, our Pier ReviewHomecoming's Rating: 0.5Michael's Rating: 1Morgan's Rating: 1.5Episode discussion begins @22:34. Post-episode discussion begins @01:56:41.Assorted Show Notes:@01:05:37 The album Michael is referring to.Art by Katie Rose @kilogramrose.
127:36 6/15/22
Intersectional Cannibalism (Ft. Tristan)
S4E9: Ironman BuchannonIn a shockingly horny episode of the podcast, we spend far too much time (and also not nearly enough time) talking about old Nickelodeon Game Shows. #ReleaseTheSnyderCutOfBaywatch #PleaseDontActuallyDoThat #IDontWantSynderFansOnMyCase #NumberOneCheerWorthyMoment.Michael is drunk this episode. Please ignore how while he is drunk, he pounds the table a lot. Or just accept it. We're not your dad.Tristan's Rating: 3Michael's Rating: 6Morgan's Rating: 4Episode discussion starts @30:39. Post-episode discussion starts @01:44:38. Assorted show notes:@04:40 I am suspicious this is not Chip Hipkins@20:40 The Playboy cover that got this police officer fired from the NYPD@25:06 15 questions with Yasser Arafat@32:20 The Pam Anderson mixtape@01:18:43 The situation Mitch is in that Morgan is describing@01:35:36 This is the remastered montage with the music from the original airingArt by Katie Rose @kilogramrose.
116:15 6/8/22
Lars von Trier's Baywatch
S4E8: Submersion. CW: Talk of child death.Well, this is a heavy one, so it's a little hard to write a good joke description. Mitch deals with PTSD after almost failing to save a kid and we try to find ways to talk about it while making the show still listenable. How did we do? You tell usMorgan's Rating: 7Michael's Rating: 8Episode discussion starts @21:58. Post-episode discussion starts @01:13:09.Assorted Show Notes:@01:22:35 Picture Michael is referring to about SwedenArt by Katie Rose @kilogramrose.
88:18 6/1/22
Wet Scientist (Ft. Helen Herbst LaStar)
S4E7: Tentacles Pt. 2Well in theory this is a part 2, but let's be honest. It's not. The only thing that connects these episodes is the return of Helen! You gotta know when to Holden, you gotta know when to float 'em (the answer is don't float them because that's how you get the bends)Helen's Rating: 4Michael's Rating: 5Michael's Racoon Rating: 1Morgan's Rating: 4Find Helen at the Falling in Love Montage Podcast Helen's Twitter: @helenherbstlEpisode discussion starts @12:10. Post-episode discussion starts @01:12:40.Assorted show notes:@14:57 The album art for the Sun 60 album this is from@17:45 You're Gone by Samantha Ryan@52:55 Okay so maybe not a kid but he does look weirdArt by Katie Rose @kilogramrose.
91:13 5/21/22
Baywatch: Better Than Pee (Ft. Helen Herbst LaStar)
S4E6: Tentacles Pt. 1CW: ED/bulimia discussion Remember kids, never get a Goku cake, never get someone a book for their birthday, never go surfing without a leash, and definitely never try to cure your bulimia by almost getting eaten by an octopus.Why doesn't Star Wars have octopus aliens? 8 arms 8 lightsabers George Lucas call us.Helen's Rating: 5Morgan's Rating: 6Michael's Rating: 6Find Helen at the Falling in Love Montage Podcast Helen's Twitter: @helenherbstlEpisode discussion begins @11:04. Post-episode discussion begins @01:23:30.Assorted Show Notes:@28:46 This is shot that made Helen and Michael burst out in laughter@29:02 Here's a shot of the octopus's face@29:10 The trifecta of octopus shotsArt by Katie Rose @kilogramrose.
96:32 5/12/22
Telly Savalas Pooping (Ft. Bethany Sparkle)
S4E5: Sky RiderThis episode is just so full of hot air. Hot air balloons that is! Well, just one balloon, but it's in here like a lot.Sparkle's Rating: 5Michael's Rating: 5Morgan's Rating: 6Episode discussion starts @16:25. Post-episode discussion starts @01:47:00.Assorted show notes:@54:45 Telly Savalas beach photos 1, 2, and 3@01:35:45 Bill Pickett picture@01:43:24 VENGEANCE THE SHARK@01:51:28 The Nathan Fielder related tweetArt by Katie Rose @kilogramrose.
118:15 4/28/22
You Stupid Pelican Man (Ft. Reeves Richards)
 S4E4: BlindsideOops all Pelicans. Have you pet a pelican recently? Some of them are cops and we don't endorse those birds. Fuck those birds. Like Zeus would.Reeves's Rating: 1.5Michael's Rating: 4Morgan's Rating: 4Please check out Reeves at!Episode discussions starts @33:06. Post-episode discussion starts @01:57:18.Assorted show notes:@16:44 Pictures of Giant Gonzalez's suit, #1 and #2@23:14 Dave Meltzer's horrifying room@33:35 Michael forgot to record it but luckily he pretty much perfectly replicated his voice in his impression@47:39 Here is the video of Fraiser as The National Morgan was looking for@59:00 Okay so not on every action but there's a decent amount of farting!@01:17:30 Here is the shirt on Etsy. But here is where you can actually buy it@01:19:09 Morgan no@01:23:05 "I'm gonna murder this child"@02:02:29 The Garfield cup dramaArt by Katie Rose @kilogramrose. 
137:50 4/20/22
Ultra Ketchup (w/ Jami, Robert, and Val)
S4E3: Lover's CoveIn this very special episode, Michael and Morgan have been taken out of commission by a purple jellyfish, so we have to bring in some help to continue on with our mission.Stay tuned for our upcoming Disney+ Deal.Robert's rating: 6Valerie's rating: 2Jami's rating: 6Episode discussion starts @7:22. Post-episode discussion starts @36:01.Assorted show notes:@00:51 We're being held against our will. Send help@12:40 This scene is reused from season 2 episode 11 "If Looks Could Kill"@24:24 As much as we would like to skool these NEWBS, they are correct that CJ and Mitch have not dated previously. Good job guest hosts!@37:07 Michael and Morgan do not condone slander of Hobie 2@42:52 Michael and Morgan do not condone promotion of the band U2@44:56 We're being held against our will. Send help Art by Katie Rose @kilogramrose.
44:56 4/1/22
Mammary Mafioso
S4E2: Race Against Time Part 2Baywatch is the Koo-Koo-KookiestBaywatch is the Ki-Ki-KickiestBaywatch is the Groo-Groo-GrooviestBaywatch is the living end, friendJoin our watch along of Lidsville episode 1 here!Morgan's Rating: 2Michael's Rating: 2Morgan's Lidsville Rating: 9Michael's Lidsville Rating: 9Episode discussion starts @03:14. Post-episode discussion starts @29:57. Lidsville episode discussion starts @46:06. Post-Lidsville discussion starts @01:13:34.Art by Katie Rose @kilogramrose.
80:39 3/23/22
No Apologies To Your Mom
S4E1: Race Against Time Part 1. Welcome to season 4! Can you believe it? We can't. It's a part one, which famously has always gone very well on Baywatch.Morgan's Rating: 6.5Michael's Rating: 7Episode discussion starts @21:00. Post-episode discussion starts @01:28:52.Assorted show notes:@59:39 Iconic Thomas brand English Muffins@01:00:33 KAPSALON@01:16:32 Andrew said it checks out@01:35:02 You'll have to see the tweet to truly appreciate itArt by Katie Rose @kilogramrose.
102:08 3/16/22
Do You Know What I Sent Your Mom? (S3 Finale)
S3E22: Fatal Exchange. Can you believe it? We've finished season 3! Overall, it's been a season of ups and downs, but at least it's not season 2. The blood feud has escalated, Morgan's mom, you're on watch 👀We both recommend that you watch Pam and Tommy if you like our podcast and want more info about Pam Anderson. Also if you don't like our podcast, why have you listened this far?Morgan's Rating: 5Michael's Rating: 5Episode discussion starts @15:54. Post-episode discussion starts @01:28:26.Art by Katie Rose @kilogramrose.
104:24 3/9/22
Pastamania, Brother (Ft. Paul Agnelli)
S3E21: Kicks. Join us for a history lesson on wrestling and jello. Gene LaBell is here to save us from being stuck in Gene LaHell. The saga of Pilates continues, as we can never escape this curse.Paul's Rating: 8Michael's Rating: 8Morgan's Rating: 4Episode discussion starts @24:31. Post-episode discussion starts @01:30:34.Assorted show notes:@22:41 If you like hearing about the history of mixed martial arts, this video by Secret Base is a fantastic watch@46:45 We forgot to mention that Pam Anderson is Canadian so it's all sorts of geopolitically confusing@54:47 Please worry for Michael@01:21:57 Here is the Pastamania menu, BROTHER@01:22:50 Hulk Hogan shaped pasta, BROTHER@01:25:35 A pasta sandwich. As well, here is an assorted album of other spaghetti pics@01:27:11 Paul claims this is a meatball sub. He's not seeing the bigger pictureArt by Katie Rose @kilogramrose.
108:35 3/3/22
The Milpo Sclint of Murder (Ft. DJ Reeves Richards)
S3E20: Shattered Pt. 2. It's part 2! And once again we have brought back our guest from episode 1. Just like part 1, part 2 is bad. Join us for an exploration of the GCU (Grandpa Cinematic Universe) and discuss if we prefer our grandpas Dirty, Bad, or Warred On.This is a Milpo Sclint stan podcast #JusticeForMilpo.Reeves' Rating: 11/3Michael's Rating: 8/3Morgan's Rating: 4See Reeves' KEXP profile, along with his socials, here!Episode discussion starts @12:11. Post-episode discussion starts @01:51:27.@08:33 An extremely cursed image@19:20 The Google ad for searching Candy Corn@20:15 A tweet that captures Morgan's heart@53:10 Please view the visage of this man@53:44 An album of Milpo@54:24 "No more shitposting or schizoposting, time for Sclintposting. Post this image to instantly sclintpill yourself"@54:34 "everybody loves to powerscale anime characters but i dont see anyone talking about if milpo sclint would have survived on the eastern front"@1:40:19 "What about this picture?" Michael says he had to pick between that and: this one@01:48:28 A screenshot of Mitch's partyArt by Katie Rose @kilogramrose.
133:47 2/23/22
Dumb Edition (Ft. DJ Reeves Richards)
S3E19: Shattered Pt. 1. In which we discuss the appropriate amount of ham for a lifeguard for our least kosher episode yet. Also lots of wrestling talk, we're sorry.Reeves' Rating: 2Michael's Rating: 3Morgan's Rating: 3Episode discussion starts @35:06. Post-episode discussion starts @2:09:12.Assorted Show Notes:@01:15:56 Here is the picture of the senior home and the belly dancer@01:16:28 Morgan's horrifying picture@01:17:05 The terrifying hallwayArt by Katie Rose @kilogramrose.
143:29 2/19/22
Nether Region Interests (w/ Jon Brence)
S3E18: Stakeout at Surfrider Beach. On this episode we ask the all important question, who directs the directors? Join us for our sendoff of Guido. We will never forget the iduido of you.As well, we disprove a previous statement made on this podcast that there "is no Baywatch hentai". Jon found it for us.Morgan's Rating: 7Michael's Rating: 7Jon's Rating: 8Check out Jon's portfolio at: and watch their Twitch streams at: discussion starts @29:05. Post-episode discussion starts @01:47:27.Assorted show notes:@14:00 The picture of Darin Heams shared with Jon@1:02:38 Here is the article that Jon is reading from regarding Hasslehoff's chicken legs@01:24:38 Here is "The Guido Face"@01:56:33 I present to you Baywatch Hentai. Image #1. Image #2. Image #3.Art by Katie Rose @kilogramrose.
123:45 2/9/22
Blink With Your Special Ears
S3E17: The Tower. This is the buried secret of Baywatch. In our most M. Night Shyamalan episode, we talk about the right amount of ham for a Baywatch episode.Did you know how many surf terms could be a euphemism for sex? We try to figure out the answer to this age old question.Who guards the lifeguard's life when the lifguard's life needs guarding? Hmmm?Morgan's Rating: 9Michael's Rating: 3Episode discussion starts @06:54. Post-episode discussion starts @59:23.Assorted show notes:@37:16 The image Michael is looking for is the artwork for this episode!@41:15 I highly encourage you to go on your own Google Image search for this because you'll find some pretty great stuff@41:51 by Katie Rose @kilogramrose.
72:54 2/2/22
Hot Rocks! Get Your Hot Rocks Here! (Ft. Valerie St. George)
S3E16: Vacation Part 2We're back! It's our first time having a guest return for part 2 and it's a delight. We talk about the dangers of gambling and how badly the 90s handled the concept of addiction.Also if anyone has a hookup on a thermos of Sweet and Sour sauce, tweet at usEpisode discussion starts at 20:00Post episode discussion starts at 1:22:10Val: 8Morgan: 2Michael: 3.5Art by Katie Rose @kilogramrose.
99:25 1/26/22
Florida, Germany (Ft. Valerie St. George)
S3E15: Vacation Part 1. This is a real Sophie's Choice of an episode. Watch more montages or spend less time watching this episode? Norwegian Cruises sponsored a two-part-er and let me tell you, this is no pleasure cruiseValerie's Rating: 7Michael's Rating: 3Morgan's Rating: 3Episode discussion starts @30:01. Post-episode discussion starts @ 01:40:07.Art by Katie Rose @kilogramrose.
116:36 1/19/22
The Love Hole
S3E14: Strangers Among Us. This episode rocks, Rock's Hudson that is. If you're listening to this episode, you've got some real strange bedfellows. Unfortunately we are not cut out to be diamond thieves, but at least we have this podcast.If you want to see Michael's attempt at flipping text, click here's Rating: 4Michael's Rating: 5Episode discussion starts @11:13. Post-episode discussion starts @19:57.Assorted show notes:@02:55 The first ugly Christmas sweater Michael found @03:51 The second ugly Christmas sweater Michael found@45:31 Please refer to Michael's attempt at flipping text above@55:29 See-Saw LoveArt by Katie Rose @kilogramrose.
91:17 1/12/22
Weird Rule of Thirds
S3E13: Island of Romance. It's a back-to-back record so we are on one this episode. Some real season 2 racism in this one, but at least we discover that Baywatch is Feminist Actually. This episode was so bad.Morgan's Rating: 1Michael's Rating: 1Episode discussion starts @11:59. Post-episode discussion starts @54:38.Art by Katie Rose @kilogramrose.
72:39 1/5/22
Bave Dautista
S3E12: A Matter of Life and Death.  Hot take, Baywatch is better than Doctor Who. David Hasselhoff, you're on notice. Start streaming Fortnite!! This one has some secret content, so listen carefully.Episode discussion begins @9:58Episode discussion ends @1:11:13Morgan's Rating: 8Michael's Rating: 8Art by Katie Rose @kilogramrose.
83:54 12/29/21
Vanilla Starfish and the Semisonic Sausage Gazpacho
S3E11: Dead of Summer. Life Pro Tip: Grunge voice hurts your throat if you aren't singing it correctly. Please join us as we discuss punctuation in band names, nu metal, and just generally avoid talking about the episode.Morgan's Rating: 6Michael's Rating: 4Episode discussion starts @14:27. Post-episode discussion starts @01:09:44.Assorted show notes:@13:50 Here is the poster for Return of the Roller Blade Seven.Art by Katie Rose @kilogramrose.
85:03 12/22/21
S3 E10: Lifeguards Can't Jump. Baywatch. Basketball. ARGs. What do these all have in common? Better listen to the episode to find out! We're bringing you the premium 90s nightclub experience this episode. Loud music, plastic ferns, and combination fast food restaurants.Morgan's Rating: 2Michael's Rating: 2Episode discussions starts @10:36. Post-episode discussion starts @01:20:25.Assorted show notes:@1:03:50 This video covers the entire history of The Slipnutz.Art by Katie Rose @kilogramrose.
98:36 12/15/21